Surprise! ;)
His heartbeat thundered in his ears. Blood was burning in his veins and an iron vice was wrapped around his head, squeezing and squeezing, until he thought his brains would leak from his ears. Again and again his fists lashed out against the punching bag and he revelled in it, in the pain, the impact, the scrape of worn leather against his burning knuckles, the hot sweat pouring down his body.
The dull thuds of his punches reverberated in the empty training room. It was late, the sky outside a black that had been polluted into a dirty, washed-out orange because of the street lights. Ichigo had been there for a while now, but the exact amount of time that had passed escaped him. In any case, he didn't care. He didn't.
With every punch, another doubt was crushed. He was going to be a father. A good one. His girlfriend– his fiancee, and soon to be wife – was going to be a mother. Yes, this was happening.
Anger rose like bile at the back of his throat and he forced it down. No, no, not now.
Don't think about it, Ichigo.
In this world there was nothing but now, this physicality, the burn of muscle and the sting of his eyes as sweat dampened his hair and dripped from his forehead.
I can't-
His breath came out in short gasps as he stilled, arms wrapping round the punching bag in a desperate embrace. Ichigo pressed his face against its cool surface, closing his eyes and letting his racing heart slow down.
Don't think about it don't think about it don't think about it-
But he couldn't help it. How could he not ? The promise of a new life, one created in a simple act of physical pleasure, had shocked him to the core, slicing right through him like a strike of lightning and changed his life. Senna was pregnant, and he had asked her to marry him.
What am I doing ? he thought, desperate. I can't do this. I'm twenty three, I'm engaged, I'm gonna have a kid-
His chest was heaving. The adrenaline was still pumping through his veins but slowly he was coming back to reality, realizing that his shirt was soaked through and that he probably smelled like a goat. At the thought of Senna his stomach did a slow, painful flip; he hadn't seen her in almost two days.
Give me time, he'd said, just a few days. I…I need to think about this…
She nodded, but he didn't miss the glaze of tears in her eyes. It broke his heart: he didn't want to hurt her. He had never wanted to hurt her. But-
"Ichigo, you OK there?"
He jumped, turning round to see his boss standing at the door, watching him with a raised eyebrow.
"You've been in here a while now, and it's late," he continued, "I mean, if you wanna stay…"
Rose stood at the doorway, dressed in his customary ruffled shirt and immaculately tailored jacket. His long flowing hair had always reminded Ichigo of some kind of Victorian hero, from a Dickens novel maybe – or perhaps Bronte, the blond (and in fact Japanese) version of Heathcliff. He had a casual, laid-back air to him but Ichigo had seen the man angry and it had shaken him slightly. He wondered where the hell Hirako Shinji had managed to meet a man like this.
"You surprised me," Ichigo muttered, slumping to the ground bonelessly. His breath still came in pants. His orange hair, grown to shoulder length, clung to his skin with sweat.
"Ichigo-kun?" Rose stepped closer, now looking concerned. "Are you all right?"
Ichigo meant to laugh, but it came out so bitter he wasn't sure he could call it that. Rose raised an eyebrow and sat down beside him, cross-legged.
"You look like you have a problem," he said, "they say sharing a burden makes it lighter...or is it that many hands make light work? How does it go? Never mind. Anyway, if you're having trouble with anything it is my responsibility as your employer to find out and take appropriate measures." At Ichigo's wide-eyed stare, he raised his hands. "No, I'm not going to fire you. But...whenever you struggle with something, Ichigo-kun, it always affects you very deeply. I've seen you train here and I've heard about your martial arts skills so I don't doubt your physical ability in any way, but every time you get into a funk like this your work suffers. Your language skills are impeccable and I know you work very hard and I want to give you a chance. So...I want you to tell me, is there any reason you haven't shown up to work these last two days?"
Ichigo's jaw dropped, "Two days? No! I didn't...I didn't mean to...what day is it?"
He looked so bewildered and contrite that Rose only shook his head and sighed. "It's Tuesday evening. You called in sick yesterday at least, but didn't even do that today...and then just turn up here at the office gym." He shook his head again. "Kinda shameless, if you ask me."
"No! No, I promise, there's...I just...I just got some really bad news recently." Ichigo flinched as soon as the words came out his mouth – any other person would have considered this as more of a celebration.
"Bad news?" Rose prompted.
"I..." The words were stuck in his throat, his voice trapped in thorns. He breathed in and out, slowly and deeply, until his heart was beating at its usual pace. "I found out that my girlfriend is pregnant. And I proposed."
"Oh, marriage? A baby? Congratulations!" Rose's face lit up. He was, strangely, a sucker for love stories, and had made a name for himself as a prominent translator of both English and Japanese literature, including manga. He loved the idea of romance, passion, weddings and children – Ichigo knew at once that he would suggest himself as godfather.
"But it's not mine."
The smile wiped itself from Rose's face, transformed into shock and then horror. "Senna did what...? No! How? But then...why...?"
"I don't know. I just..." Ichigo rubbed his temples. The adrenaline had temporarily taken the edge of his growing migraine, but now he could feel the storm gathering in his head and he didn't want to stay longer than he had to. He wished that the story got easier to tell the more he recited it, like a regurgitation of information that no longer really had to do with him, but it never did. Each time he said those words he felt a cold, sick feeling in his gut. He still couldn't comprehend what she had done. Well, what they had both done – really, he had been just as bad. The more Ichigo thought about it the more he sank deeper into a black poor of guilt and despair. He should have been there more. He shouldn't have kept so much from her. He thought he had been protecting Senna, but really he had been protecting himself at the cost of their relationship and the thought sickened him.
He drew in a deep breath and began: "Well, I've apparently always been distant and kind of cold even since before I was with Senna, that's...that's basically what she said. I'm paraphrasing. She felt the more she tried to know me the more I pulled away. I didn't..." Ichigo paused. His voice had caught in his throat. "I told her I didn't do it on purpose. I told her about, um, my past..." Here he stumbled, never having told Rose himself about his relationship with Grimmjow and its outcome. "So I guess she kind of understood but she...she said she was drunk, and lonely that night, I think I cancelled dinner again 'cuz of a migraine or something, she saw some guy she knew, they..." His voice broke, "well I guess they had a good time while I...didn't. And she...ended up pregnant. And I thought, OK, I can prove that I could be a good, you know, husband and stuff. I wanted to close the gap between us."
The silence hung heavy in the air, Rose staring thoughtfully into the middle distance. Then he said, "Ichigo-kun, you really need to stop blaming yourself for everything. The more you try to hide, the more you end up showing. I...," he paused, looking as if he was considering something, continued, 'my thoughts on the matter is that you seem to be running away from something. I don't know whether it's a person or a place or an event that happened in your life, but obviously it affected you badly and you-"
"I ran from it," Ichigo said bitterly, "like a coward."
"You protected yourself," said Rose gently. "It's understandable, Ichigo-kun. We all do it. It's human nature."
"It doesn't matter anymore, I don't need protection, I never did!" There was wild desperation in his deep brown eyes. "I should have protected him, I didn't...I shouldn't have..." Ichigo felt once again those storms brewing in his head. He could see clouds of fire when he closed his eyes, the pain was so intense. the fire storm burned brighter The harder he struggled to suppress his tears, but he felt them trickle down from the outer corners of his eyes anyway. The fell down to his ears, and it tickled slightly, causing him to rub them away from his face, sitting up. He had somehow ended up lying on his back on the floor, the squishy mats underneath him providing a comfortable alternative for the psychiatric chair.
"Here." Rose pulled a bottle of water from somewhere, and tossed it at Ichigo who caught it reflexively. It was ice cold and felt delicious when he held it to his forehead. He sighed.
"Can I tell you something?"
Rose nodded calmly. "Of course. I presume it's something you wouldn't want me to share?"
"I..." Ichigo found himself nibbling at a nail, wishing desperately for a cigarette. "No. I mean...it shouldn't really be a big deal but you know, it was Japan so I really didn't tell a lot of people, just super close friends and family. I, uh...when I was in high school, I had a boyfriend."
He blushed heavily, even the tips of his ears and the back of his neck turning tomato red.
The only response he got was a laugh. "Oh, is that it? Ha! Oh Ichigo-kun, that's adorable."
His blush deepened. "Shut up!"
Rose chuckled once more and then composed himself. "All right, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make fun. Of course, you must have been...careful about who you told. I'm happy you told me. So. What happened to that boyfriend?"
And there is was. The exact question Ichigo had been dreading the entire time, ever since he had left Japan years ago and started working here. He had escaped to a strange land with strange people, who had never heard of Grimmjow Jaegerjacques, hoping to outrun the memories still engraved, vivid, in his mind. Memories – places, smells, touches, blue hair and demon blue eyes. They had been one shade away from being downright dangerous. His heart ached.
"I love Senna," Ichigo said suddenly, "I do. But I...I don't love her as much as I still love..." He stopped himself there. He couldn't say that name out loud.
Rose waited, silent, patient. Never once did he try to speak, instead giving Ichigo his fullest attention, but Ichigo felt not as if he were being dissected but as if he and Rose were the only two people on Earth. When he tried to speak again the words came out a little more organically, telling the story of his childhood bully, his mother's death, that fateful reunion and the evolution of a relationship he never expected to happen. Rose listened. And at the end, he said,
"Listen, Ichigo-kun...what you went through...it sounds painful. I couldn't imagine. Clearly, you feel a need to protect the ones you love. But it comes at a cost, and you suffer. You don't need to marry Senna just because you want to protect her or the baby. I know you love her but no one is asking for you to shoulder responsibility for what happened. Senna is a young woman and she made a mistake. You're a young man and you're still hurting from the past, but you haven't..." Here he paused, pondering "hmm, what should I call it? Allowed yourself to grieve for him?"
"I don't want to think about it." No one could imagine. No one could imagine how that would rip his heart into shreds. "I can't."
"You're strong, Ichigo-kun," said Rose, "surprisingly so for someone so young. But you can't live in this world without getting hurt if you really want to live, and not just exist. You need to at least confront the past. Accept it. Don't try and forget – remember the good times and the happiness they brought you. Everything you shared together..."
Rose's voice was low and soothing. Ichigo felt drained, aching to the bone. He knew that the only cure for his growing headache would be painkillers and sleep but his body refused to respond as his eyes drifted shut, everything turning into an indistinct blur as he fell asleep for the first time in two days.
