All or Nothing

Chapter Twenty

..

If you'd given Elsa a choice, she could have spent the rest of her life buried between Merida's legs, inhaling her scent, surrounded by her soft skin. As it was she only got to spend most nights there, and it was nowhere near enough to satiate her. Sex tended to drive every problem she ever had, big or small, from her mind.

So naturally she didn't hear Merida's question and responded with a muffled groan.

Merida's hands pushed her head away and she re-emerged from under her skirt, red-faced and irritable, aching with lust.

"What?"

"You never told me what Anna said," Merida prodded. "I haven't seen her since, what did she say?"

"Oh, that," Elsa muttered. "I haven't talked to her yet."

She tried to get back under the skirt, but Merida sharply pushed her away, sitting up. She looked furious (though it was hard to take her anger seriously with her bodice around her waist like that.)

"You haven't talked to her? It's been a week!"

"I know," Elsa huffed. "I've been busy..."

"You haven't been that busy," Merida snapped.

She began pulling her undergarments back on, to Elsa's dismay.

"Oh, don't," she pleaded. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to let it go on this long...I just don't know how to even bring it up with her..."

Merida paused in her buttoning (thank goodness) and softened a little.

"I know it's hard," she said. "But it'll just get harder the longer you let it go on. You have to talk to her some time."

"I know," Elsa groaned, as the full reality of the hole she'd dug herself into hit her.

She'd actively been avoiding Anna since she'd caught them in the office, taking on more and more work she didn't even need to do, taking her meals in the office, emerging late only to make love with Merida and sleep. Even the thought of bringing up the subject with Anna made her cringe in horror, desperate to fill her mind with something else, anything else.

"I went years without talking to her," she said hopelessly to the ceiling, flopping down across the bed. "And even when we did start talking again, we never talked about anything like this."

"How did she tell you about Kristoff, then?" Merida asked.

"She didn't," Elsa replied. "He just turned up the day after we unfroze everything and declared that he was in love with Anna...and it's nothing like what we have, he's not even allowed hold her hand in public before they get married."

Merida snorted, and Elsa looked up. To her distress, she found that Merida was fully dressed and getting up to leave. She attempted to pull her back down to the bed, but her hands were gently slapped away.

"Why are you leaving? We were having fun..." Elsa moaned.

"I'm just distracting you," Merida told her. "No more fun until you get this sorted."

"That's not necessary," Elsa grumbled. "I'll do it tomorrow, I promise."

"Good," Merida trilled pleasantly, opening the door of the sally port. "Then we can have more fun tomorrow night."

With that, she was gone, leaving Elsa unbearably frustrated. Huffing, she grabbed the decanter of wine off of the nightstand; it was the only way she'd get some sleep.

…..

Elsa was tempted to call for Anna at the break of dawn. She'd tossed and turned all night, dreading this conversation but also desperate to get it over with. She held off until close to noon, pacing the floor, unable to settle her mind enough to do any actual work.

When the door of her office was knocked, she jumped.

"Come in," she ordered, trying and failing to keep the quiver out of her voice.

At least when Anna did enter the room, she didn't look angry, or upset. Her face was strangely blank for someone who was normally so expressive. Elsa tried to smile reassuringly but it dropped when Anna didn't respond.

Elsa poured them both some tea, to give her nervous fingers something to do.

"Thank you for coming," she began, passing the teacup to her sister. "I'm sorry, I've been putting this off for a while..."

Anna's face didn't change, she sipped her tea and waited for Elsa to keep talking. It was unnerving, not at all like her cheerful little sister.

"We need to discuss what you saw in the office the other day..." Elsa began.

"Yes. Exactly what did I see in the office the other day, Elsa?" Anna cut in.

Elsa's mouth opened and closed at Anna's sharp tone, but no words came out.

"I can tell you what I thought I saw," Anna continued. "I thought I saw my older sister, the queen of my country, kissing a woman. And not just any woman, a refugee who happens to be a teenager..."

"She's eighteen," Elsa cut in, more than a little shocked.

"Just turned eighteen," Anna retorted. "What are you playing at? From where I was standing, it didn't look like the first time you'd been doing that...how long has this been going on?"

"Shortly after the Dunbroch natives left," Elsa told her. "We've been lovers since then."

"Oh my God," Anna groaned. "Do you realize how much trouble you'd be in if someone else had walked in instead of me?"

"Most people know how to knock," Elsa bit back.

"Yes, it's my fault for not knocking...how rude I was to interrupt you committing abomination!"

Elsa started, for these words sounded bizarre coming out of her little sister's mouth. She had never been particularly devout...in fact, she'd been scolded so many times for fidgeting in church that she used to make herself sick to avoid Sunday mass.

"Stop," she said, holding her temple to keep her temper in. "I know that's not you speaking...tell me what you think."

"Fine," Anna said, softening. "You know that's what they'd say if they found out...nobody's ever come back from that kind of disgrace...I'm scared for you!"

Elsa chuckled, a little grimly. There was the sister she knew...

"You know, in Merida's culture this kind of thing isn't even considered strange?" she said.

"Merida's culture is backwards," Anna retorted.

"Don't say that," Elsa snapped. "And don't ever let her hear you say that!"

"As if I would," Anna scoffed. "But while we're on the subject...how long do you think this is even going to last? She's going to go home eventually, and you'll have risked everything for nothing!"

That's not true. It's not safe there. This is her home.

"What do you want from me?" Elsa asked, shrugging helplessly. "That I should put everything I feel on hold because she might leave some day? The edict I signed said I could never marry a man, should I be happy to stay untouched by anyone forever?"

"There's no might, Elsa...she's going to go back to Dunbroch as soon as it's safe. You know that."

"For all we know, Dunbroch will never be safe," Elsa replied.

"So what, you're just going to keep her here as your dirty little secret? And she's happy with that?"

"Anna, I don't know what's going to happen in the future," Elsa sighed. "All I know is that I've never been happier."

"I'd like to be happy for you, I really would," Anna sighed with her. "But I can see it all going horribly wrong...I just don't want you to get hurt."

"If it does, I'll deal with it," Elsa promised. "You don't have to worry."

"I'm going to worry anyway," Anna replied quietly.

…..

Elsa still felt emotionally drained by the talk with Anna by the time she made it to bed. She thought she'd be too tired to want to do anything sexual, but as soon as Merida made an appearance she had a sudden burst of energy.

Once they had finished and were lying half-on and off the sheets, Merida asked how it had gone.

"I don't like being scolded by my younger sister," Elsa grumbled into the skin of Merida's stomach. "But she accepted it in the end."

"Not like she had much of a choice," Merida laughed. Elsa enjoyed the tremor rocking her aching head gently.

"How would your family have taken it?" Elsa asked.

"They'd probably have been delighted," Merida told her. "You're a proper lady...my mother would have loved you. And an alliance with Arendelle would have been better than anything the other suitors could offer."

That cheered her considerably. The people of Arendelle had accepted her powers...how hard would it really be to convince them that two women betrothed to each other was a good thing, especially if it brought a strong alliance with it? Dunbroch was unstable, but it could be strong again...

...and if it never became stable, it just meant that Merida would have to stay in Arendelle, with Elsa. Maybe eventually they could bring her brothers over, if that's what she needed to be happy...but she was happy, with Elsa.

Merida fell asleep as Elsa's mind mulled over and over. She had to consider her future some time, she couldn't keep putting it off. As the clock in the tower chimed for midnight, Merida rolled over in her sleep, away from Elsa, and Elsa's eyes followed her.

Her hair fell to the side, exposing her naked back to Elsa's sight. The last time Elsa had seen it, she'd been catching a stolen glance through a keyhole. Merida wasn't bashful when it came to her body, in fact Elsa envied how natural she was in a state of undress, but she was cagey about her back. Her voluminous hair acted as a veil most of the time, but even when they were having sex she tended to keep her back out of Elsa's hands.

It was strange to have such a full, clear view of the damage that had been done. The room was lit up by moonlight, dragging the scarring and the unmarked flesh into high contrast. Before she knew it, Elsa was brushing her fingers against the scars, feeling how deep they went, running her thumb against the healthy skin to feel the difference.

She had been touching the scars for some time, not even really knowing why, when Merida's breathing started coming out ragged. She mumbled something in her sleep, could have been Gaelic or gibberish. Elsa pulled back a little but did not stop.

She was sure the scars didn't hurt anymore; the whip had dug valleys into her skin but the nerves were dead and the flesh long healed. Merida's body was a map of scars, little and big, and it was fascinating for Elsa who didn't have so much as a childhood scrape. No scars bothered her so much as the ones on her back.

Elsa pressed a little more firmly at the base of Merida's spine, at the lowest scar. Merida flinched, and cried out. Shaking, Elsa pulled away and covered her with a sheet. She turned on her side, away from Merida.

Dunbroch was full of nothing but bad memories. Who was to say that Merida wouldn't choose to stay in Arendelle, where she was so happy? She had three brothers to take the throne, she could do as she wanted.

This is her home. She wants to stay.