All or Nothing

Chapter Twenty Four

…..

Apologies for the long delay in getting this latest chapter, I have two reasons besides my usual hectic schedule. One reason is that I fell down a fandom hole for a bit, a fandom I hadn't been a part of since I was a child, and I got caught up in that.

The other reason is that I finally finished and published a novel. I decided to go the self-publish route on Amazon, that way I could concentrate on writing more often for both original works and fandom works. I'm going to be a bit cheeky and post the link to my novel here, if you've enjoyed All or Nothing or indeed any of my other works I think you'd enjoy The Hothouse Princesses. For a limited time, you can get it for free, I only ask that if you do that you'd leave an honest review.

dp/B07BGSPPBY

And now, back to your regularly scheduled angst.

…..

Elsa thought she knew loneliness. She had been lonely for most of her life, she thought she knew it as surely as breathing, sleeping, walking.

But having someone so close and then having them pull away was a whole new kind of loneliness she had never experienced. It was like something had been torn out of her, as painful and visceral as a bloody wound.

At the same time, she felt awful for subjecting Merida to this confinement. She knew Merida missed her home and family, and she knew how much faith she put in the wisps. She was afraid that not following the wisp would anger the spirits somehow.

(Anna was the one who told her of Merida's worries, in a vain attempt to convince Elsa to let her go.)

As miserable as they both were, Elsa couldn't bring herself to even think about letting Merida go. However hard it was to be apart from her now, it would hurt much more to see her leave Arendelle.

…..

She'd been walking around the castle restlessly, while all the rest of the residents were sleeping, when she came across Merida in the library.

She was curled up on one of the window seats, an open book dropped on the floor beside her. What she'd been doing in there was achingly clear; the market was just about visible from the library's windows. How long had she been keeping vigil there?

Elsa tiptoed over to her; she was sound asleep. It was nice to see her without all the anger that had been written into her expression recently. It filled Elsa with longing.

She can't stay angry forever. She'll come around.

The heat from the nearby fire had burnished her cheeks pink. Her mouth was slightly open, her lips moving slightly in time with her breathing.

A kiss won't hurt. I won't even wake her.

Elsa wrestled with the urge for a moment, but it overpowered her. She supposed, having gone so long without the tactile pleasure of human contact, she was addicted to the way Merida made her feel. She leaned in gently and put her mouth on the sleeping girl's, barely touching her.

But...

Oh I have missed you so!

That barely-there kiss fired the longing in her more desperately than ever. Moreover, Merida had felt it but instead of curling away from Elsa she smiled in her sleep, turned over more onto her back. Almost like she was encouraging Elsa to keep going.

You can't think like that. It's not right.

Elsa dimly recalled that one drunken night when she'd gotten carried away and taken liberties she had no right to take. She recalled how awful she had felt the next morning, and if she went further she wouldn't have drunkenness as an excuse.

And yet...

She leaned in again, a deeper kiss this time, promising herself that she would be satisfied with just that. Oh, but Merida mumbled something under her breath, her eyes moved under her eyelids, perhaps she wouldn't push Elsa away. Perhaps she had missed Elsa just as much, in her own way.

Elsa ran her fingers through Merida's hair, trailed a finger down the curve of her jaw, traced the line of her collarbone, all those familiar places she had come to love so well. Merida's eyelids flickered, she mumbled something again. Elsa pressed a little more firmly, and finally her eyes opened.

Groggy, she peered up at Elsa, who smiled somewhat sheepishly down at her.

"Stop," she moaned, closing her eyes and turning on her side a little.

She said stop.

But she didn't push me away.

It was dangerous thinking, Elsa knew that. But...Merida was half-asleep, almost fully asleep again. If she was upset wouldn't she have protested more?

Elsa hovered over Merida, not close enough to touch but just barely. She pressed small, lingering kisses across her hair, her brow, her cheek, her neck. Merida made a sound low in her throat, a sound Elsa knew well. It was the kind of sound she usually made when she was thoroughly enjoying what Elsa was doing to her body.

You have missed me! I know you...

Reckless with longing, Elsa turned her just enough to bring their bodies closer together. Her lips fastened onto a spot at the juncture of Merida's neck where it tapered into her shoulder. She was particularly sensitive there. Her hands trailed over Merida's shoulders, down her arms, to her wrists, to thread their fingers together.

She knew Merida was awake now. She could feel her quickened heartbeat in the pulse under her tongue. She heard the hitching in her breath.

"Elsa, stop," she heard Merida say, but it was as if she was very far away, it was so quiet.

If you truly want me to stop, you can push me away.

Merida had never been shy about pushing Elsa away if Elsa's passions were overwhelming her. It was strange to hear her refuse with just words.

You're conflicted, I know. You can still be angry with me, just please let us have this.

Elsa's trailing fingers caught the edge of Merida's wool skirt and slowly pushed it up, just far enough to find her bare thigh.

Something's not right.

Usually, Merida loved it when Elsa touched her there. Even when she was angry, or not feeling well, or just too tired to fully respond. It was usually the one thing she allowed Elsa to do no matter what kind of mood she was in. But she wasn't responding the way she always had before. Elsa pulled away a little, moved her hands back up to Merida's arms...

Oh.

Oh, no.

At some point, probably just as her hands had been moving over Merida's wrists, she had manifested two rings of ice. Not particularly big or strong, but just enough to wrap around Merida's hands to keep them pinioned to the window seat. Elsa stared at the rings, horrified.

"Oh God..." she muttered, pulling the ice back into her hands as fast as she could. "I'm sorry, I didn't...I wasn't..."

She shrank back, still muttering platitudes and apologies. Now she could see Merida's face, and it was deathly pale. Her eyes were wide, unblinking. She rubbed at the spot where the ice had chafed her skin, absently.

"I didn't realize...that's never happened before, please believe me...I would have stopped if I..." Elsa sputtered, wanting to say a hundred things but only managing a scattered few.

She told me to stop.

Why didn't I stop?

She'd been kidding herself, waiting to be physically pushed away when subconsciously she had prevented Merida from pushing her away.

"Please say something," she begged Merida. "I didn't mean for this to happen, please believe me..."

It was amazing how calm Merida was, she sat up slowly and adjusted her clothing, but wouldn't look Elsa in the eye. She didn't even seem upset. Right up until she put her feet on the ground, and then she bolted for the door.

Elsa just meant to reach out for her, nothing more. The ice had other plans.

It caught Merida's hand at the wrist and formed a pillar around it, anchoring her effectively to the floor. A fresh wave of horror washed over Elsa; once could be called an accident, twice looked very deliberate.

"Okay, let's not panic," she said in what she hoped was a soothing tone. "I'll just..."

"Let me go!" Merida cried, digging her heels into the base of the ice pillar and kicking at it as hard as she could. That high frenzied note in her voice hurt to hear.

"I will, I will," Elsa nodded so hard her teeth clattered. "I'm sorry, I just...I'm sorry..."

She took a step forward, and Merida shrank back as far as the ice would allow.

"Don't touch me!" she growled. "Let me go!"

Just then, the door to the library opened and Anna's head poked in, her head messy from sleep. She was carrying a cup of cocoa.

"I heard noise, what's going on?" she asked innocently.

Perhaps the appearance of Anna had affected Elsa's control of the ice, or perhaps Merida had broken through most of the ice already, but whatever the cause before Anna had finished her sentence Merida's hand was pulled out of the ice and she was gone, leaving a glittering trail of ice shards behind her.

Elsa sank onto the window seat and put her head in her hands.

"What did you do now?" Anna asked, not unkindly.

…..

The merchants had set off, without Merida, exactly as Elsa had wanted. The Belloza brothers had even called by the castle to see if Merida was still going to take them up on their offer, but they were sent away.

Elsa could not bring herself to be happy about it. She hadn't seen Merida at all since the night she had betrayed her trust (without meaning to, but it was a betrayal all the same) and Anna, when asked, just said that she was understandably upset. She didn't join them for meals anymore, and only ever left her room to feed the hawk.

The overheard gossip from the castle staff said she had reverted back to how she had been in the first few weeks she'd been at Arendelle, back to the 'little red ghost.' The staff openly wondered what she had done to deserve house arrest at the command of the queen, but none of them seemed to think their was any kind of romance involved. That was fortunate, at least.

Painful as it was, Elsa knew now it was over. There was no way to go back to how they had been, and to keep Merida here any longer under these circumstances would slowly kill her.

She called Merida into her office late into the evening. Merida came without a fuss. She didn't look good. She looked exhausted, drawn, too thin. All the same, Elsa's eyes drank her in greedily. She would never be any less than beautiful to her eyes.

"New house rules, I'm guessing," Merida croaked, her eyes fixed on the edge of the table.

"Not quite," Elsa replied, trying hard to keep the tremor out of her voice. "I've arranged for the captain of the guard to escort you out of the city. Word has been sent to the Belloza convoy to wait for you at the next trading post."

Merida looked up, caught Elsa's eyes, and oh, that hopeful glint was wonderful to see but hurt like hell.

"You should be able to catch up with them if you leave in the next hour," she continued, swallowing down the lump in her throat. "I've had the staff pack a travel bag for you, all the essentials. A travel cage for Lua. We could only give you a rouncey to make the journey, but you may be able to trade it for a more suitable horse once you're past the Rohiman trade gate. There's enough money in the bag to pay mercenaries if you need them, but as long as you stay close to the trade caravans you should be safe."

As long as I keep talking, I won't cry.

"I know I have no right to demand anything of you after what I've done," Elsa said, tearing a little hole in her sleeve. "But I want you to write to me as often as you can, so that I know you are safe. Please send a hair if you can, so I can see for myself."

A tear managed to squeeze its way out from under her eyelid, and she let it fall.

"I don't expect you to forgive me," she said as more tears threatened to fall. "I just want you to know that it was never my intent to hurt you the way I have. I am so sorry. I will never stop being sorry."

She broke off with a sob, and pushed it back harshly to regain some composure.

"You will have to make your goodbyes quick, the sun is setting..."

She was abruptly cut off by the suddenness of Merida's mouth on hers, and her arms clenched around her. It was so unexpected Elsa nearly collapsed. Then, just as suddenly, it was gone.

"I will come back," Merida told her fiercely, holding Elsa's face in her hands. "I promise you."

It was better than Elsa could have hoped for. She had been forgiven.

…..

Merida was gone before the sunset. Elsa managed to hold herself together through a tense, emotional dinner with Anna and Kristoff, through an adviser's meeting, through half a dozen reports that tied up all of the loose ends from the three years Merida lived in the castle. In another twenty-four hours, it would be like she had never been there.

As midnight approached and the last of the castle staff went to bed, Elsa wandered out of the castle. She stepped onto the ocean, freezing a path for herself over the waves. She walked and walked until she couldn't see land anymore.

There, she lay fully down with her face on the ice. She cleared a little hole there, into the ocean, and pressed her face into it. Staring into the inky black depths, she let herself scream.

She screamed and screamed until her throat was on fire. A spike of ice ran from her body down through the water into the deepest reaches of the ocean and still she screamed. She screamed until the pain in her heart was matched equally with the pain in her body.

…..

Note: this would be a very depressing place to leave it, right? Good thing I'm not finished.