Riker's Story: Mirror Cracked!

By Steve2

Disclaimer: I do not own the Star Trek series or Married with Children series. This is simply a story for fun. No profits are being made. Enjoy the humor.

Chapter 4: How Do You Expect Me To Get Any Fun Done When There's Work Getting In The Way?!

"Personal Log. I've finally learned how to use this stupid thing and I feel stupid talking at a computer screen and recording this garbage. But I was assured that this was the thing to do and all Starfleet type do it for some stupid reason or another. To sum up my impression of my situation: I can say I both like and dislike this universe. I like its one redeeming fact that all the replicators work and I can get just about anything I want. I also like it because the holodecks work here unlike back home which never seemed to work after the first couple days of having the ship. Ever since Peg found out that I ...well, never mind that. She did something and that was the end of that. But I've yet been able to get around some sort of safety some Federation pin-head put in these programs and recreate a nudie bar.

"Since being here for two days I've felt myself changing. I feel a longing for my wife, and even my kids which I never felt before. Hell, I didn't even feel this when I went off for my week on Risa when I swiped Bud's pass. But being here I feel not so much as a feeling that I've lost them, which I wouldn't mind, but I feel responsible for them. I'm not sure I like the sensations I am encountering. Huh. I wonder if this thing can get a good sports channel. This nob looks like it..."

Sssssssccccccccccrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeettttttttcccccccchhhhhhhhhh.

"Nope. That wasn't it," Al said quickly looking around to make sure he hadn't been spotted. As he was alone in the room, he gently picked up the computer terminal and shoved it under his bed until he could get rid of it later.

"Red alert!" barked Lt. Worf over the ship's communications system.

Brwaarp! Brwaarp! Brwaarp!

Captain Picard rushed onto the bridge from his office adjacent to it. "What is it, Mr. Worf?"

"A Borg cube has just moved into the solar system, sir. They are heading our way."

"Why didn't we know about the Borg earlier than this? It wouldn't have anything to do with the fact someone on the bridge is playing a video game on the main monitor, would it?" he asked as the ensign at Ops flipped a button which caused the Enchanted Spaceship Vs. Godzilla game to blip off. Without saving the scores, drat the luck!

"Uh, no, sir! That wasn't it at all. It was the sensor guys not pulling their weight, the slackers," complained Lt. Worf, quickly hiding his own joystick. "Yeah. That's it. That's the ticket." The slackers in question were busy putting their coffee break mugs and stained cups away in secret compartments on their consoles, next to their cleaning rags.

"On screen," grumbled Captain Picard.

Immediately, the screen blipped and a large view of the Borg cube filled the screen.

"Decrease magnification."

"We aren't using magnification," said the Ops ensign.

Picard looked startled. "Then that means they're already here."

The Borg cube zipped up to within 2,500 meters of the Enterprise and true to what the Federation knew of the Borg, they opened up with a barrage of missiles and lasers. It seemed as if they considered the Enterprise an especially dangerous ship to their assimilation of the universe and were not about to take it lightly this time.

The Enterprise raised its shields quickly, but they weren't enough to keep the barrage from causing the Federation ship and causing it to buck back and forth. And back and forth. And back and forth. Captain Picard, unable to grab onto anything or anyone to prevent his fall, fell and hit his head on a box hidden under the ensign sitting at Ops. The last thing he remembered before darkness hit was seeing the picture of a ship like the Enterprise zapping a space monster similar to Godzilla.

And as suddenly as the barrage started, it stopped.

"Damages," commanded Commander Counselor Troi.

"Lots," replied Worf. "Weapons offline. Engines offline." Gasp. "My Starship scores have been wiped! I don't even remember how I got to level 3 let alone level 7." He shifted his fury to the Borg. "Those bastards," he seethed.

"Our first priority is to get the engines back on-line and get out of here," said Commander Troi.

"We must remain and fight," countered Lt. Worf.

"I say we get out of here while we can, Lieutenant."

"And I say we stay and fight for honor."

"You're both wrong," said Commander Al Bundy as he stepped off the turbolift. "As senior officer on the bridge, I'm in charge, and we're doing things my way," he said unsure where that came from instead of his usual self-pitying persona and weaseling attitude.

Troi liked this as she had seen what Al had been like over the last 24 hours. He had even managed to hit on her in the bar last night while simultaneously complaining there were no tables set up for nudie dancers.

Guinan had walked up behind him, tapped him on the shoulder and when he turned around, she promptly smacked him across the kisser with a large, wet, fresh fish, saying, "This was for your own protection and you don't have to worry now as I've exercised the demons that were attached to your cranium. You should get back to normal any time now, sir. And if it happens again, come on back and I'll whack you with this fish again, okay, sir? There's a good boy. Here, why don't you have some beer while the pain subsides? And yes, the straw is for your own good."

As Commander Al moved off to massage his sore face and guzzle some beer, Troi had moved to confront Guinan who had returned to her station behind the bar.

"Did you really manage to exercise the demons attached to Commander Bundy's cranium?" she asked.

Guinan had replied, "I might have. We'll just have to wait and see if he starts complaining about having a nudie bar. I've seen his like before and was glad when the owners moved off Earth centuries ago and settled Risa."

Troi understood the type. He was interested in one thing: himself. So naturally, if he were in charge, he would want to flee. Which is what she wanted to do anyway.

Lt. Worf didn't like this turn of events and had come to the same conclusion as Counselor Troi. "Sir, while you may hold a Commander rank, I do not believe you are in any shape to confront the Borg. I believe that I should be the one to take the Enterprise helm and attack the Borg straight on and go out in a blaze of glory."

"Forget it."

"Then I challenge your claim to the helm, sir. There is only one option available for us now." He stuck out his massive hand. "We thumb-wrestle for it."

"Forget it. "

"It is the honorable thing to do," insisted Lt. Worf.

"Forget it."

"Chicken."

Al's eyes narrowed to slits and he extended his right hand and gripped Lt. Worf's, who grinned triumphantly in the supremacy of a Klingon waging thumb-war. Troi glanced at the Borg cube on screen and wondered if she could get away in a shuttle if they were too busy assimilating yahoos like these two.

A CRACKED MIRROR REALITY AWAY

"Well, obviously, we have to pick them up. I mean, help them out by transporting them to their destination," Riker amended.

"I'm gonna get me some," Bud snickered, rubbing his hands together.

"Now comes the question of logistics," commented Jefferson, who rubbed his chin while thinking. "There may be more young waifs on that bus than our ship can comfortably hold."

"Obviously," Bud said, "everyone will have to double or triple up. And in his case, once they got a chance to see the incredible Bud-man. They'll be waiting to quadruple up in my room."

"The only thing they'll be waiting to do in your room is find the door out," jabbed Kelly.

"You'll do nothing of the kind," Peggy instructed.

"I agree," agreed Captain Marcy Darcy (hahaha). "Those hussies would only cause trouble for Jefferson and Riker. Oh, and Bud, too—heh, heh, heh, heh! Yeah, right. I'm sorry, I just couldn't help myself."

Peggy and Kelly also joined in the laughter.

Sigh. "Besides," Peggy said as she wiggled her way to stand next to Riker, kissing the other side of his face, again leaving red lipstick on his beard. "Why do you want to even pick them up when you have us on board?"

Capt. Marcy made her way to Jefferson's side.

Will turned away and looked pleadingly to Jefferson who had troubles of his own.

"Peggy's right," instructed Capt. Marcy. "No other women on board. Especially women in little tight bikinis."

"As a Starfleet officer, it is my sworn duty to rescue young women in need. After all, what's the harm? They're going to a little contest. All we need to do is rendezvous, transport them over, take a little detour to the contest staging area and beam them down. No problem."

"No other women on board. Especially women in little tight bikinis." Peggy and Marcy were adamant of no other women on board and crossed their arms in the non-verbal communication symbol of 'End of Discussion. You Dumb Male'.

"I don't understand what you have to worry about," Riker said smoothly. "After all, you and Marcy are the most beautiful women in the universe and have nothing to fear."

Jefferson snuggled up to his captain and kissed her on her ear lobe. Giggle, she liked it.

Peggy, smitten, smiled and said, "Welllll…"

"And if they try taking our clothes off against our protests, well, we'll just have to let them go through their own culture's rules and regulations," Ensign Bud licked his chops, still rubbing his hands.

"You'd better watch out, Spud, if those women have a ritual of sacrificing virgins to get Warp engines working. Ha-ha-ha." Direct hit No. 2 from Kelly.

Peggy snapped out of it. "No other women on board. Especially women in little tight bikinis." She crossed her arms again.

"Thanks a lot, Bud," Jefferson whispered while still under the stern eye of Captain Marcy Darcy (hahaha).

Captain Marcy was so sure she didn't want her ship going to rescue those floozies that she stormed over to Ops, flipped open a panel, and took out a key, saying, "This is the master key that controls the piloting of this ship, you got that, missy! And it's going in a safe place from you testosterone-plagued males." She stuffed it in her bra.

It was in a safe place, all right.

-o0o-

In a partially lit closet, Commander William Riker, Starfleet, pulled several more less-greasy wrapper to a lap table and began writing with a pilfered pencil.

Personal Log. Stardate something or other. Am finding it harder and harder to concentrate on showing these clowns... er... people what it am like to act like a good officer. It's almost as if I'm reverting to their mentality. Of course, if Peg and Marcy were ever to leave me alone for some food or some sleep I'm was sure I'd be in a better mood. Not that I could eat Al's food anyway. Damn replicators.

Uber Captain Marcy Darcy (hahaha) took the keys to the controls, the Dodge 2610X "Dart" drifted for about five minutes which is when we got snagged into the gravity pull of an asteroid belt. And five minutes after that the key was back in place and the ship was creeping through the field at a crawl that an old lady with a walker could outdistance on a slow day. Peggy and Marcy stayed on the bridge to monitor us not going to rescue the poor girls in their skimpy bikinis.

Am on my way now to sekret meeting to discuss problem of Peggy, Marcy and even Kelly.

Sumthin must be done or else chance to meet bikini babes not of Risa slips through my fingers. Initially went to quarters to sulk at not being able to meet bikini babes, but Bud called meeting and raised hopes. He better have plan or will have to hurt him. Bad.

In one of the deserted staterooms Al used to store his spicy food, Ensign Bud, Lt. Jefferson, and Commander Riker plotted to overthrow the captain off her ship. At least for a while.

"Listen. we don't have much time," Jefferson said urgently. "It's only a matter hours before those cops fix their ship or other ships arrive to pick up the bikini babes. So if we don't want this chance to slip away, we have to unite for the good of all men everywhere who were under the thumb of women."

"Well thanks for the recap, Mr. Narrator," Riker replied sarcastically. "Well, Duh! Hello, that's why Bud called the meeting. Now, what's the suggestion?"

"Bribe them," Bud said succinctly.

"With what?" replied Riker, his eyes narrowing and his fists clenching.

"Well, Commander, you'd be surprised with what you could find in an asteroid belt. This is my plan..."

-o0o-

Roughly ten minutes later Riker walked onto the bridge. He looked around for a place to stand and found it next to the science station. He looked over Bud's shoulder to see a readout, nodded encouragement and walked off. He walked over to where Kelly was polishing her nails, nodded encouragement and walked off to stand next to Jefferson. As expected, he nodded encouragement and walked off to gaze out a space window.

A few minutes later Riker suddenly shouted, "Lt. Peggy! Captain Marcy! Look out the port window!"

Captain Marcy rushed over and looked out the window. "What? What is it?"

"Where? Marcy, would you get over so I could see?"

"Peggy! Ouch, quit standing on my foot! What did you see, Will?"

"I'm not sure, Captain. It looked like the form of a man with large sideburns. Ensign Bud can you scan the area, please?"

"Scanning," Ensign Bud responded. "There's something out there. Incredible! The scans have just picked up life signs of St. Elvis!" shouted Bud while looking over a cool scientific scanner device that went ping ping ping pingaponggong.

Captain Marcy Darcy (hahaha) and Lt. Peggy rushed to his side to see what he was scanning. "Sorry, Captain, but we've just passed beyond sensor range."

"Well, we just have to go back!" demanded Capt. Marcy Darcy (hahaha).

"Aye, aye, Captain," smirked Ensign Bud, nearly giving the plan away. Riker scowled him to silence as he skillfully turned the ship around and investigated a large asteroid.

"Sensors indicate St. Elvis, or possibly someone else from Planet Graceland, is in a natural air pocket on that asteroid, Captain," said Bud still looking at his pinging device.

"Ummm," Captain Marcy hesitated as she entered into new area for herself as a captain. "Commander Riker, you have the conn. Lt. Peggy and I will beam down to investigate this new and unusual find. Stay in orbit. C'mon, Peggy, let's go before they find out..." she stopped, noticing everyone's stare. "Uh... heh, heh. Bud, I'll need your help with the transporter. Let's go, Peggy."

Jefferson wanted to high-five William, but held off as Lt. Kelly was still on the bridge, doing her nails.

"Kelly? Don't you want to go along with your mother?"

"And see St. Elvis? Are you kidding?" she scoffed, blowing her nails dry.

"What are we going to do?" Will asked Jefferson.

"Trust me. I have a plan for this." He went over to Bud's pinging scanner, looked at it for a few minutes and said "Holy cow! Jefferson you won't believe it! There's some space Harley's on that asteroid."

"Space Harley's?" asked the interested blond.

"You know." Jefferson insisted. "As in space Hell's Angels."

"See ya," Lt. Kelly said.

Kelly took the lift to the wrong floor. As she walked down a corridor, she noticed a jelly bean on the floor. She picked it up and then noticed another one several meters distant. She went along and picked that one up and ate it. She then noticed another one. And another. And another. And...

...and another as she entered the transporter room. Bud, having been alerted by an alert Riker, hid behind the transporter console. And another jelly bean on the steps of the transporter. And another jelly bean on the transporter pad.

Bud beamed her down to the asteroid. Jefferson and Riker walked into the room as Bud stood up from behind the console. They high-fived each other.

"Bud. Set course to pick up the space babes," instructed Commander Riker.

Whooo-ooo!