I can take one day to achieve my goal
Then it starts again
In this circumstance that I call my own
Dreams just don't deliver

Paradise Lost, This Cold Life

Erandur sensed Runa was embarrassed about baring her feelings to him. He understood and did not try talking about it. He learned long ago that the people of Skyrim never liked showing their weaknesses, as they were taught since childhood that such behavior was not honorable; even if she did not want to admit it, the Nord ways helped shaping Runa into who she was today and ran deep in her blood.

They broke camp early and he wasn't surprised when she said Whiterun would be their next destination. She didn't have her own family and judging by what she's told him, the Companions were the closest thing to a family in her eyes. He suspected that after last night, she needed familiarity and sense of companionship that he wasn't able to offer.

On their way to the city neither of them broke the silence for other reasons than purely practical, but from the corner of his eye Erandur saw her looking at him several times when she believed he could not see her, her expression unreadable.


Whiterun amazed him. The busy city was so different from the calm, vast emptiness of the Pale where he grew up; it was a mixture of various scents, noises and voices. It seemed chaotic at first, but then he started noticing a pattern in how seemingly different pieces made the city unique and whole. It felt refreshing.

He remembered how Runa described Jorrvaskr, the mead hall of the Companions, but he thought he would have recognized it anyway. It was a sight to behold, the huge building shaped into a longboat, standing out in the city's architecture, yet not out of place; on the contrary, it seemed to fit its surroundings perfectly, giving the impression that Whiterun huddled around it in respect.

Runa led him towards the back of the hall. It was a training ground; he noticed mostly Nords, practicing with axes or greatswords, but also a dunmer wielding a shorter blade. It surprised him that being known for their pride and mostly keeping to themselves, the Nords would allow one of his kin into their most honored circle of warriors; what did not surprise him, however, was the fact that the elf was the first one to hear them approach. He sheathed his sword and walked casually towards Runa. He raised his brows noticing Erandur behind her.

"Good to see you back, Runa." he said, his lips quirked in a mischievous smile "Missed me and decided to drag another Ashlander as a reminder, eh?"

Runa laughed.

"Athis," she replied with mock seriousness "Nobody could ever replace you in my heart."

"Erandur," she said, turning towards her silent companion "this is Athis. When he's not busy beating the hell out of practice dummies preparing to be the new harbinger of the Companions, he sometimes finds time in his busy schedule to grace me with his friendship."

"Ungrateful Nord, be happy that no other here is witty enough to exchange more than two sentences with." said the dunmer, mimicking her mocking tone and turned his attention to Erandur.

"Greetings, brother. It is always good to see one of our kind, especially after spending too much time in the company of annoying Nords, just like the one you are so unfortunate to travel with."

Runa elbowed him in the ribs, still smiling, and Erandur couldn't help a chuckle that escaped him watching the two of them interact. He was also not blind to the fact that although Athis was a dunmer like himself, Runa was behaving completely different with him, compared to how she acted during their travels. He knew he and Runa were close and could be considered friends; last night was proof of the deep connection they shared. Yet with him Runa was more reserved and come to think of it, she almost never touched him. At first he thought it was precisely because he was a dunmer, a stranger of another race, but watching her so relaxed with Athis proved him wrong.

He didn't have time to ponder this any longer; a giant man came running towards them and crushed Runa in a hug that seemed strong enough to break bones.

"Farkas, let me down! You'll break my ribs" she shouted and hit his arms, but Erandur could clearly see that she was happy to see the man. For some reason, it made him feel awkward and uncomfortable.

The huge man, Farkas, smiled wolfishly but did not comply.

"Yes, little sister, this is my intention." he boomed "At least then you will be incapacitated long enough for me to enjoy your company, before you storm off again and disappear for months."

"I'm sorry I was away for so long, brother." Runa said "But I will stay for at least a week, promise. But only if you let me down!"

"Very well, but I'm not letting you out of my sight. No running away before you and I have had a good deal of mead." Farkas agreed, and finally let Runa down. He didn't stop smiling when he noticed Erandur standing close by.

"Sister," he said, voice full of mirth "Have you suddenly become so pious that you need a priest to accompany you on your travels?"

"This is Erandur." she replied "He is a priest of Mara, yes, but also a very skilled warrior, and my friend. In fact, I bet he is at least as skilled as you, brother." Hearing the emphasis in her voice, the way she immediately defended him though there was no need to, Erandur felt warmth spread inside him.

"My little sister, always the jester." Farkas said, but his eyes narrowed when he looked at Erandur, like he was measuring him.

The priest sighed. Somehow he felt it was going to be a long week.


Erandur was glad to see Runa happy among her Companion friends, but he felt uneasy around so many people crowded in a space that seemed too tight for his taste. He missed the open road. He talked to Runa quite often, but mainly let her be and enjoy her time at Jorrvaskr. He walked around the city, discovering new things - Gildergreen, the Skyforge, Dragonsreach – they all left him in awe.

After first encounter with Farkas, he was sure that it would be only a question of time before one of the Companions would want to test his skills in combat. To his surprise, it was not Farkas to challenge him, but his twin, Vilkas, a reserved, grim man whose appearance was the only trait he shared with his brother. He approached Erandur on the fifth day of their stay at the mead hall.

"I would spar with you." That was all he said, skipping any greeting, straight to the point.

Erandur shook his head.

"I will not fight you." he replied.

"Are you afraid of me?" asked Vilkas.

"No. Why would you wish to fight me?"

Vilkas chuckled, as if Erandur asked him why the sky was blue or why the Stormcloaks hated the Empire.

"There is honor in constantly testing and honing your skill. Have you no honor, elf?" he asked.

Erandur sighed.

"You do not insult me. Now leave me be."

"You want the truth?" Vilkas' face twisted in anger. "I want to see if you are to be trusted and the best way to know a man is to see how he fights."

"You follow my shield-sister," he growled "and I will not have a liability endanger her."

Erandur smiled despite the situation.

"You wouldn't have said that had you seen her take down a dragon. And nothing you say will make me fight you."

"Then you are a coward."

"I do not care what you think." I only care what she thinks, he added in his mind. This conversation was beginning to tire him, and he wished it to be over, almost as much as he wished to leave Jorrvaskr, to leave all of the Companions behind and wander across the wilderness of Skyrim, once again only Runa and him. He understood that their stay here was beneficial to her, but also wondered if it might have somewhat distorted the balance between them and found that he didn't like that thought.

Vilkas clearly wanted to retort, but a heavy hand that fell on his shoulder stopped him before he could say anything.

"Brother," Farkas' voice sounded reproachful, but gave away the man's amusement with his twin's futile attempts to engage the priest in combat. "Leave him be and come sparring with me."

Vilkas snorted angrily, but eventually allowed his brother to escort him out to the courtyard.


Runa was sitting in Jorrvaskr sleeping quarters, reading a book. She enjoyed reading - it was one of the few comforts she missed during her travels.

"There you are. I was looking for you."

Runa's head snapped up, she was so absorbed in her book that Kodlak's voice startled her. The old man smiled.

"I am glad he follows you."

"What?" her brow furrowed "You mean Erandur. Why would you say that? Do you think I cannot handle myself?"

"It is all too easy for me to read you, lass. I do not doubt your skill, though your reaction tells me you doubt it yourself." he said "I merely meant that your elven friend seems to be of good influence on you."

Runa smiled and her features softened. She closed the book and carefully set it on the table.

"You really think so?"

"You are different when you're around him – calm, more confident. That is good."

"You notice everything, don't you?" she asked.

Kodlak nodded.

"Aye. You've become part of this place, and I have come to understand you, although you come and go as you please and never stay for long. You are a free spirit and you feel you have not found your place yet. But Jorrvaskr has become one of the constant elements in your life…" he stopped for a moment, looking at her intently "and so has the priest of Mara."

Runa's gaze dropped to the floor.

"Yes" she admitted "he has."

"I can see the two of you have grown quite close."

"Yes, I guess we did. What of it?" she looked up, staring at the old man defiantly, remembering her last conversation with Delphine; her calm was gone and suddenly she felt on the defensive.

But Kodlak only shook his head.

"Nothing, lass." he replied "From his stance and the way he walks, I deduce that your friend is used to fighting and I can't help thinking that priest robes are like a second skin that doesn't truly fit him. He seems so overzealous in the worship of his goddess that makes me come to a conclusion that he believes he has something to atone for. Am I mistaken?"

"No" she whispered, but added nothing more.

"His eyes always follow you, even if you do not see that" the old man continued "He is rather protective of you. And if I am right about the darkness in his past… Everybody deserves a second chance, child, and finding someone truly loyal is a precious gift."

Runa visibly relaxed.

"Thank you." she said.

"Ah, but you are loyal to him yourself, lass." Kodlak said, his eyes sparkling with humor "Immediately ready to defend him, even if only from the words of another. You call some of the Companions friends, always eager to listen and help with whatever troubles them, but not so willing to share your own thoughts and feelings in return… Your face tells me that with him, it is different. And I sense the connection between the two of you runs deeper."

Runa looked at him; her mouth opened, closed, and opened again, as if she was looking for the right words to say. Kodlak lay his hand on her forearm.

"Don't overthink it. Let it go as it will and see where it leads you."

Runa's eyes were shining with laughter.

"I did not expect the harbinger to give me that kind of advice."

Kodlak threw his head back and laughed.

"You didn't think I've always been old, did you?" he said and winked.

"About second chances…" his voice changed all of a sudden, the smile wiped from his face by hesitation "I have a task that I would like to appoint to you, if you would bear with an old man who'd like to tell you a story and ask a favor."

Runa listened without interruption, her gaze thoughtful, as the harbinger told her how the curse that affected the Circle first came into being. She has never seen him so open before, but revealing his deepest fears did not make him vulnerable in her eyes. She understood what it meant to be afraid of your own fate. He was certain his beast was slowly taking over, and while old age slowly took him closer to his end, his fear of being forever doomed to Hircine's hunting grounds grew steadily.

She refused the wolf blood, even if it meant she wouldn't advance to become a full member of the Circle. Aela's disappointment stung, as did her sudden distance from the dragonborn. But when Skjor died, it was Runa that Aela turned to, even though she did not approve of her refusal of what she believed was the greatest gift that could be offered to a warrior. Runa agreed and helped her carry out the revenge, ignoring her conscience telling her firmly that bloodshed and death would lead to repercussions none of them could predict. But Runa felt sorry for the huntress, and part of her wished to erase Aela's earlier disappointment with her. She was now made aware that Kodlak knew about Aela's quest of revenge all along, just as she suspected, and his views on the matter mirrored hers.

She was surprised when the harbinger revealed that he had seen her face in his dream long before he met her, that in his dream she was the one to save him from his beast and help him reach Sovngarde, that he recognized her the minute she set foot in the hall of Jorrvaskr.

"Is that why you were so eager to recruit me?" she asked.

"Yes," he admitted "I would lie if I said otherwise. But I would also lie if I said I didn't notice your potential. Regardless of my reasons, you have only proved me right – you are worthy of being a Companion, if it still means anything."

She nodded.

"Thank you for being honest with me, harbinger."

She has never been on good terms with the gods and despite stories that every Nord child was told, she wasn't sure whether she believed Sovngarde even existed. But just as Farkas had been a substitute for a brother she never had, this old, wise man had been a substitute for a father that died too soon for her to have known him.

"I will help you," she said "I promise, I will do what I can to rid you of this curse."

She stayed with him for hours more, talking or just sitting in silence that none of them minded. She left at dawn, towards the Glenmoril Coven.


They were getting closer to Whiterun with every minute. As Kodlak wanted, Runa has disposed of the Glenmoril witches with Erandur's help but could not help wondering how the members of the Circle would react to the news that their harbinger would be rid of wolf blood and what would they think of the role she played in his recovery from the curse.

She stole a quick glance at Erandur; he was walking next to her, apparently deep in thought, his eyes set on the horizon, hand absentmindedly caressing the hilt of the blade she'd smithed for him, the blade he now preferred to his old mace. She kept looking at him and caught herself thinking she liked the way his dark skin contrasted the canvas of bright, morning sky, that she liked the way his hair was flowing down his back, that she liked the red hue of his eyes and how they shone when he talked about his goddess. She stumbled across a rock on the road and muttered a curse trying to regain her balance and not to fall to the ground.

She was steadied by a pair of strong, firm arms.

„Are you allright?

She looked up, saw his lips twitch in a small smile and felt herself blushing. What was happening to her? They have grown close, yes, but ever since that night when he held her, comforted her when she needed comfort so desperately, it felt like she was aware of him on a whole different level.

„I'm fine."

He nodded and released her, resuming his trek and she quickly followed, shaking her head and feeling irritated with herself. They did not speak until they finally reached Whiterun in the evening, but her mind kept replaying the events of that one night in a loop that made her wonder what was the true nature of her feelings towards her companion.

Nearing Jorrvaskr, she was torn from her reverie. There were signs of struggle everywhere in front of the hall, bodies spread on the ground, blood pooling on the stone steps. She ran towards Aela, who was standing nearby, her posture tense and predatory.

„Aela!" Runa shouted "What happened here?"

„The Silver Hand finally decided to attack Jorrvaskr" the redhead replied, her voice weary "Go inside."

Runa did as she was told, Erandur following her closely, remaining silent. She was not prepared for what awaited inside: blood, death and overwhelming aura of grief. She also did not expect being assaulted barely after setting her foot inside the building.

„YOU! Where have you been?!" Vilkas was furious, dashing towards her, his voice shaking with anger. She sensed instinctively that he was barely holding his inner beast at bay and backed away slightly.

„I was tending to the task Kodlak appointed to me… I had no idea they would come…" Runa held out her hands and spoke, trying to reassure him, to seem much calmer than she really was.

Her attempts clearly failed. Vilkas grabbed her by the neck, pushing her hard against the wall.

„I hope it was important" he spat "because you failed to be here to protect him! He is dead, and you were not here!"

Kodlak was dead? She felt a sudden wave of grief overtaking her, too shocked to defend herself. Then everything happened in a flash. One moment her shield brother was pushing her against the wall, and the next one he was shoved down the stairs, landing heavily on the floor. She turned her head and saw Erandur at her side, flames pooling around his palms, his face contorted in anger. He was gone from beside her in an instant when he started towards Vilkas who was gathering himself from the floor. Her mind replayed in a flash what the priest told her once.

I've never admitted this before, but I've killed more than I care to admit. I'll just leave it at that.

Runa was torn between two feelings – fear for her shield brother and mute fascination when she watched Erandur, now fully understanding what he meant. During their travels, he followed her lead and in a fight he usually stayed back, supporting her with his magic. This was different. He was quick and efficient, not one move out of place, as meticulous in rage as he was with his words. Vilkas was a great warrior, she has witnessed his battle prowess herself many times, and it was almost eerie to see him on the defensive, not being able to react other than trying to protect himself from the blows he kept receiving from the dunmer.

Vilkas fell to the floor again. Erandur stood over him, his sword caught up in flames, pressed against Vilkas' throat, burning him and instantly cauterizing the cut that formed under the pressure of the elf's hand. He looked like embodiment of wrath, his red eyes blazing in the glow of his flames. Runa watched him, eyes wide, her mind stuck on one unconscious thought.

Beautiful.

Vilkas' pained grunt brought her back to reality. She knew what he did was wrong, but she didn't want him hurt. He lashed out in grief, he did not truly hate her, he did not really blame her for Kodlak's death. At least she hoped so. Kodlak's death… it hurt. She has grown to love the old man, and she couldn't begin to imagine how his passing must have felt like for Vilkas who had known him almost all his life.

She walked towards Erandur, calling his name, but he did not react.

She reached out to him, wanting to put her hand on his shoulder, when he turned towards her, quick like a snake before it strikes, and grabbed her arm.

„ Erandur…" she said quietly, trying to ignore the pain when his flames crept on to the skin of her forearm. "Please, don't hurt him."

Runa saw Erandur's eyes widen in horror when he realized it was not another Companion trying to drag him away from Vilkas, that it was her. His gaze fell upon her burnt hand. The flames died out instantly and the sword fell from his hand. He let go of her arm quickly, almost as if this time it was him who got burned. There were marks on her pale skin, burns that were already starting to swell and ooze blood.

I did that.

He briefly touched her hand and muttered a quick healing spell that would ease the pain. He then turned from her and left the hall in a quick pace.

Runa started after him, but was stopped by a heavy hand on her arm. She turned to see Farkas standing behind her.

„Let him go, sis." he said.

Runa looked at him. As always, the man she treated like her older brother understood what she feared. People were often mistaking him for simple, and she was one of the few who knew how wrong they were. He was always sensing her moods, and was wiser than many gave him credit for. He put his arms around her and hugged her.

„Don't worry. He will come back."

Runa hoped her brother was right.


Evening turned into night and Erandur was sitting on a hill above Jorrvaskr, restless, not daring to venture any further for he would not leave Runa alone, but hesitant to go back either. He felt a wave of nausea and the familiar feeling of hate, only now it was directed at himself. He thought he found calm in embracing Mara, but this calm dissipated in one quick moment – seeing Runa in immediate danger from someone she trusted. In that moment, his calm was replaced by overwhelming anger, instincts kicked in and his control was shattered. In that moment, he felt fiercely protective of her, but even so, he knew he wanted to kill the one that hurt her. He was struggling to understand himself. It wasn't like him; even in the dark days of his past he would not let his emotions rule him to such extent, to shake him to his core, to blind him so. How well he did… He swore he'd protect her. He couldn't even protect her from himself. And now he didn't have enough courage to face her.

„I thought I'd find you here" he heard a deep voice "I like coming here when I want to hide."

Erandur looked in the direction from where the voice came from, and saw a huge man standing few steps from him. Brother of the one that he almost killed. His muscles tensed, anticipating the attack. It never came.

„I'm not sure you want to know my opinion" the man started "but I think you did right to beat the crap out of my brother. He shouldn't have treated Runa this way. He was hurt, but this is no excuse."

„It was darn impressive, by the way" he added, his lips crooked in a small smile.

Erandur looked at the man, Farkas, if he remembered correctly, in complete surprise. The man's smile grew wider.

„I would have gotten to him myself, had you not beaten me to it. He will come around and understand, and they will make amends. So should you."

The priest shook his head.

„I hurt her."

„You protected her. Vilkas was barely controlling his beast; it would have surfaced in a matter of seconds and she was too shocked to defend herself. Gods only know what would have happened then. If he hurt her, Vilkas would hate himself. So in a way, you protected them both."

„I burned her!"

Farkas sighed.

„My sister is not an idiot. She knows what you did, and why. She is not angry with you. She is now sitting there as I left her, trying to play brave and in reality afraid that you left her alone and you will not come back. So I was thinking… you either go to her yourself, or I'll haul you inside on my back, no matter how much you resist."

They stared at each other for a while, before Erandur eventually got up and headed towards Jorrvaskr. Farkas watched him go, still smiling despite all the grief that fell upon Jorrvaskr that night, thinking there were still things strong enough to dull the pain and lift the veil of sadness.

Upon entering the hall, Erandur still had no idea what to say, how to apologize to her for what he did. He saw Runa sitting in far end of the room, staring into space, deep in thought, her face worried. She turned her head in his direction when she heard the door close behind him and immediately ran in his direction; she grabbed his forearms in a vice grip, holding him as if she was scared he'd leave the very same moment. She hid her face in the crook of his neck.

„I know what you are thinking," he heard her say "Don't. Just… don't."

His fingers locked around her arms just as fiercely, mirroring her gesture, and they remained motionless for a long while.