Hoooooooly smokes, you guys. Life got hectic and chaotic and writing fell by the wayside for awhile. I apologize for leaving this story without a new chapter for so long because I know how frustrated I feel as a reader when waiting for updates. I hope you enjoy this chapter. It's a bit heavy (well, the whole story so far has been so what's new?) and deals with the aftermath of the Naley encounter, but as you can see, each character seems to be making a more positive change. They still have a rocky road ahead of them but perhaps they see the distant light at the end of the tunnel?
Thanks for all of the lovely feedback-the reviews, follows and alerts. I really appreciate it and it means more than you know.
Again, I hope you enjoy this chapter!
It had been several days since his encounter with Haley and Nathan was just as confused as he had been when she abruptly left. As he sat in the darkened living room day after day, a beer always within reach, his mind was never far from thoughts of the petite dark-haired beauty who had managed to turn his world upside down in a few short hours. Nathan racked his brain in an attempt to figure out what had sent Haley running so suddenly but came up empty. It was as much a mystery to him as the woman herself.
For the brief time he was with Haley, Nathan allowed himself to believe that maybe, just maybe, she could be the impetus he desperately needed in order to change. He found himself opening up to her in ways he had never opened up to anyone before, not even Lucas. He felt something with her, a connection he never imagined possible, and he would have sworn she felt the same. The way her eyes sparkled and shone in the low light of the bar, the open and vulnerable smile she gave as she told him about her cheating ex-boyfriend… it had to mean something, right?
But the way she departed so quickly, without a backwards glance, told him she clearly believed otherwise.
"Fuck it," he muttered to himself as he took a drink of his beer. "I don't need her."
Liar, the voice inside his head taunted. You barely know her, but you need her, whether you admit it or not.
"I don't fucking need her," Nathan said, ignoring the fact he was arguing with himself. "I don't need anyone, certainly not someone who is as screwed up as I am."
She gave you a little bit of hope for the first time in months.
"Bullshit."
Such a fucking lie. She made you believe, even for just a couple of hours, that your life doesn't have to be this shit show you've turned it into. But I guess she saw what a lost cause you are and decided to get out while she was ahead.
"Ahh, fuck off."
"And hello to you too, sweetheart," his brother drawled, interrupting Nathan's internal and external musings.
Nathan swiveled his head around to face Lucas, who stood in the doorway of Nathan's house. "I guess you didn't hear me knock over your argument with," he looked around to make sure Nathan didn't have one of his female guests around and seeing no one, continued, "yourself? And who is this 'her' you're talking about?"
Nathan sighed, unsurprised his brother would pick up on that. He hadn't revealed any specific details to Lucas about his encounter with Haley, only that he had talked to someone at Tric one night. He was confused as hell about the entire situation; he didn't need to add Luke's unwanted advice to the already screwed up mess that was his life.
"Nothing, man. It's…. nothing," Nathan said as Lucas came to join him on the couch, accepting the proffered coffee from his brother with a grateful nod.
Eyeing the disaster that was Nathan's living room, and then looking over his disheveled brother (who Lucas figured was currently drunk, judging by the amount of empty beer bottles scattered around the coffee table), Lucas shook his head. It hadn't escaped his notice that Nathan was in an even worse mood than when he was first injured. It had taken all of Lucas's patience (as well as several overt threats of physical violence) to deal with his brother. Whenever Lucas asked why Nathan he was so pissy lately, Nathan would only mumble about a conversation in a bar. Lucas assumed his brother got into a verbal altercation with someone, a not too infrequent occurrence. As long as cops weren't called, Lucas was content to let Nathan handle his own business. After his talk with Brooke a few days earlier, Lucas was trying to step back and stop interfering in Nathan's life, no matter how troubled his brother was. Nathan had to make the decision to get his life together; nothing Lucas said or did would make any difference.
Trying being the key word, which explained why Lucas found himself at Nathan's door this morning, two coffees in hand. Although his brother said it had been nothing more than a couple of drunks talking, Lucas suspected there was more to it to cause such a decline in Nathan. Nathan hadn't been the picture of emotional health the past several months, but over the last several days, Lucas noted a marked difference. Nathan was drinking more than ever and although he wasn't normally Mr. Pleasant, he had been downright bad-tempered and mean. It reminded him of how Nathan was when Lucas went to New York to bring him back home, only worse. If was almost as of if there was something else, some new pain, Nathan was trying to escape.
"Are you sure, Nate? You seem….," Lucas searched for the right word, "different," he finished lamely.
Nathan laughed, the sarcastic tone heavy in the air. "Different? I think you mean drunker, Luke."
Shrugging, Lucas could only nod in agreement. "Any particular reason why? Did something happen? I mean, it's not like you were Joe Sober before, but over the last few days, you seem hell-bent on drinking yourself to oblivion."
"Well, maybe that's what I want. Honestly, Luke, what exactly do I have going for me? I have no job because of my screwed up knee, my girlfriend dumped my ass practically the same day I got hurt, my friends, well I have none, and I sit alone in my house all day. Why wouldn't I get drunk?"
Lucas sighed, and Nathan shook his head at the sound. He knew that sigh; he knew what was coming next. First, Lucas would tell him that he wasn't alone. Then he would mention that if Nathan only listened to the doctors and rehabbed his knee, there was no reason he wouldn't be able to play basketball again. Next would come the guilt trip, about how seeing Nathan like this hurt Lucas but there was only so much more he could take. Finally, Lucas would end by telling Nathan that he could change, but only if he wanted it. It was practically the same script every time, so Nathan was thrown for a loop by Lucas's next words.
"You're right," Lucas agreed. "Your life is shit. I cannot think of one reason why you shouldn't be drinking constantly."
Nathan sat in stunned silence for a moment. He wondered if this was some new angle Lucas was working. Did he think if he got Nathan mad enough, he'd decide to stop drinking? Or was Lucas finally done with Nathan and all of his issues? It wouldn't surprise Nathan, he knew he had been nothing but a bastard to Lucas over the past several months, but his heart twinged slightly at the thought of his brother giving up on him. He deserved it no doubt, but the thought still stung.
"Surprised I'm not giving you the old pep talk?"
Nathan nodded. "Yeah. I mean, you've been hounding my ass for months about how I can do better, or that you're there for me, and other touchy-feely bullshit."
"Glad to hear that bullshit means so much to you," Lucas said, his words dripping with sarcasm. He waved off Nathan's mumbled apology. "Nathan, I can't fix you."
"Never asked for you to."
"I know, but you're my brother and as much as you may think I'm being overdramatic, it really does hurt me to see you like this. Whether you admit it or not, you're broken, Nate, but I can't, and won't, fix that. You're a grown man, capable of making your own decisions, and I have to let you do that, even if I don't agree with what you're doing," Lucas explained. "If you're going to drink, nothing I say will make you stop. If you want to sit here and wallow in your misery, so be it."
Nathan was confused. This is what he wanted, wasn't it? For Lucas to stop lecturing him every damn day and making him feel like shit? So why wasn't he ecstatic that Lucas was finally agreeing to back off?
"So, you're done with me?" Nathan asked.
Lucas shook his head. "No, Nate. You're my brother, and I love you. I'll always be here for you, but I am done interfering with your life. No more lectures, no more questions. When… if you ever want things to change, I'm here to help but it's gotta be your decision, man."
Nathan leaned his head against the couch, staring up at the ceiling. His brother's speech gave him a lot to think about. Lucas had always been his best friend, but even with that, Nathan still found it hard to confide in him about certain things. Growing up, Lucas had always been the more sensitive of the two, the one more attuned to his own feelings and the feelings of others. Nathan had been so bullied, so mistreated by their father that he had established a hard shell around his heart to keep out unwanted emotion. Girlfriends in the past had complained about his relative lack of feeling but Nathan always shrugged it off. Emotions were weaknesses, a lesson Dan Scott had drilled in his youngest son's head from the time he was a young boy.
Then he met a spitfire of a woman in a bar and everything he knew suddenly changed. Haley awakened something in him, and he could feel the walls around his heart slowly crumbling; which was exactly why he was drowning himself in alcohol now, because emotions were pain and heartache and confusion and something Nathan didn't need.
Right?
The brothers sat in silence for a long while, both deep in thought, the stillness of the room broken by the occasional sip of coffee. Lucas was enjoying the comfortable silence while Nathan was considering Lucas's earlier speech, still unsure how he felt. On one hand, he appreciated Lucas's promise to stop interfering, but on the other, Nathan recognized that his own attempts at dealing with his problems hadn't solved a damn thing. Drinking didn't fix his knee, or bring Rachel back, or make him not less of an asshole. The only time he felt he had even remotely begun to deal with his issues was when he was with Haley. He found himself opening up to her, making himself vulnerable in ways he had never been with anyone else in his life, as if he had known her forever. It didn't feel weird that he was laying himself bare before her; if anything, it felt natural.
She left, though, with Nathan having no way to contact her. Leaving no last name or phone number, she disappeared into the night as if simply a lovely dream. The feelings she evoked in Nathan remained, however, the memories of the peace and comfort that rushed over him as he confessed his sins burning bright, so brightly that he resorted to drinking himself into oblivion in an attempt to forget.
But even the most potent alcohol couldn't completely extinguish those embers so Nathan, in the wake of Lucas's promise to leave him be, couldn't help but question whether he himself had the answers to all his questions. He had been taught by his father to not rely on anyone but himself, but his experience with Haley, no matter how brief, was making him believe otherwise. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to talk to Lucas about everything that had been going on the last several months. It was all so confusing.
Before Nathan could speak, Lucas slapped his palms on his thighs and then stood. "Well, as great as this talk has been, Nathan, I gotta jet."
Nathan merely nodded, unsure of what he should do. His life was a total and utter train wreck, and he sure as hell didn't have the answers, but maybe someone else did.
Ignoring Dan's voice in his head telling him he was being weak, Nathan took the leap. "Wait, Luke." He sighed; his next words were almost a whisper. "I…can you stay for a while?"
She moaned as he trailed kisses down her throat, the moan turning into a giggle when he hit a particularly sensitive spot. His lips tickled her skin and her giggles threatened to turn into full-blown laughter. But then he… and oh yeah, right there… mmm, just a bit harder…
Her hands fisted the sheet beneath her as he teased and loved her with abandon. She felt him smile against her breast before he resumed his slow torture. Her hands drifted to his head, her fingers running through the dark strands as silent encouragement to never ever stop. He sucked her nipple into his mouth, biting the hard point gently, and she arched her back at the slight prick of pleasure tinged with a hint of pain. It was an intoxicating feeling.
She could feel the slow warmth of pleasure beginning to build low in her belly. "More," she whispered when her lover paused for a moment. "I need you."
His husky chuckle greeted her plea and if she hadn't been so drowsy with contentment, she would have glared at his response. Her hands directed him to her other breast in a not so subtle request.
"Please," she nearly begged and had to hold back a cry of relief when his hot mouth closed over her neglected nipple. "Oh god, please."
"What do you say, Hales?"
She moaned at the loss of his mouth on her breast. "Please, more…"
He nipped at the tender underside of her breast. "Nuh-uh, baby. Now, what do you say?"
Haley struggled to open her eyes to glower at her teasing lover. "Please, baby. Suck. Please."
Grinning, he rested his chin on her sternum. "Tempting, but no. You know what I want to hear."
Raising her head from the pillow to meet his gaze, she stared into his crystal blue eyes, smiling at the love and want and need reflected back at her. She lowered her hand to run it down his stubble-roughened cheek, and he turned to press a kiss to her palm.
"I love you, Nathan," she whispered as she threw her head back onto the pillow.
"You're worthless and no good in bed. Why else do you think I cheated on you so much?"
Expecting to feel the gentle pressure of Nathan's mouth on her breast, the words were like a bucket of cold water. Shocked at his response, she opened her eyes to find her ex-boyfriend looking down at her, a cold grin on his face. "I mean, face it, Haley. You killed your mom. I'm surprised I stayed with you for as long as I did after that."
"What?" she gasped as she scrambled to sit up. No longer was she in Nathan's comfortable bed, but in her former room at her parents' old house, dressed in a pair of her old, worn pajamas. "Chr—what is going on?" She looked around frantically as her ex-boyfriend continued to torment her.
"Did I ever tell you about the girl I slept with in your bed? Oh, that's right, you walked in on me," he taunted as Haley struggled to escape this nightmare. "Then you went and killed your mom. For shame, Haley."
"He's right, Haley-bub. You killed me." The voice of her mom floated over to her and Haley couldn't hold back her gasp of surprise.
"Mom? Wha—what's going on?"
Her mom smiled as she walked over to the bed, the familiar grin nearly causing Haley to cry. It had been so long since she saw her mom's warm and loving smile, though the harsh words blunted the expression. Her mom sat next to her on the bed, running her hand through Haley's hair.
"Oh Haley-bub, I know you don't want to hear it but it's because of you that I'm gone. You're the reason your brothers and sisters don't come around anymore."
"Mom," Haley cried. "I didn't mean to, you have to know that." Her words were punctuated by heavy sobs, her grief sounding loud and clear in the hushed room. Her mother's words echoed a deep truth within her. Her mom was dead and it was all her fault. There was no sugarcoating it. No excuses or apologies would ever bring her mom back.
"Haley, how could you kill your own mother?" Chris taunted next to her. "All the woman did was love you and that's how you repay her?"
Haley's sobs increased at Chris's cruel mocking, her pain deepening at the truthfulness of his words."Mom, I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry."
"That doesn't bring me back, hon."
"I know, Mom," Haley sobbed. "But I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry." She repeated her apology over and over as her mom continued to sift Haley's hair through her fingers, a move reminiscent of the times her mom would comfort Haley growing up.
"You can't change the past, Haley. What's done is done," her mom said.
"Yeah, Haley," Chris said gleefully. "What's done is done."
Haley curled into a ball, tears running down her face. "I'm so sorry," she chanted in an endless refrain. When her sobs eased slightly, she looked up, startled when she found her mom and Chris gone. She glanced around and couldn't stop the small sigh of relief when her gaze landed on Nathan. Scrambling off the bed, she rushed over to him and grabbed his hands.
"Oh Nathan," she said, hiccupping slightly from the aftermath of her crying. "I'm so glad you-"
To her shock, he roughly pulled his hands from her grasp. "Don't touch me," he growled, disgust painting his words.
"What? Nathan?" she questioned, her voice cracking. She reached for him again, only to be rebuffed.
His eyes darkened, no longer full of love. "Why would I want to be touched by a murderer like you?" he spat out.
Haley reeled back, stung as if he had physically struck her. "Nathan, please. Don't say that."
"Why not? It's the truth, Haley. Why would I ever want to be with someone who killed her mom?"
Haley shot up in her bed with a strangled cry, tears streaming down her face as Nathan's last words echoed in her mind. She looked around, expecting to see the familiar surroundings of her old bedroom, but was relieved to recognize her own room. It had been nothing but a dream, but it had seemed so real. Chris's cruelty, her mom's admonishments, Nathan's hatred… it all seemed too real.
Since the night she ran from Nathan, too scared of the feelings he stirred inside her and the consequences that could bring, she had had similar dreams every night. They all started the same—she and Nathan were in the middle of making love, two familiar lovers teasing and flirting without a care in the world. Being with Dream Nathan felt so comfortable, so right and natural, like it was the place she was always meant to be, living the life she was always meant to have. She was happy, happier than she could remember being in the longest time. Then the dream world would turn into her nightmare reality with reminders of the blood on her hands. Sometimes it was just her mom berating her, other nights it was her mom and Chris. The worst was when her dad joined her mom in asking what Lydia did to deserve Haley killing her.
No matter the players in the dreams, they always ended the same: Nathan declaring that he could never be with her. Each morning she awoke, tears streaming down her face and a deep ache in her heart. The only thing that surprised her was how much that ache was for Nathan and what could have been, if she wasn't so scared.
Taking a deep breath, Haley wiped her eyes and prepared to face the day. A quick brush of the teeth, followed by a hot shower, gave her a chance to settle her nerves after yet disturbing dream. With no job to get ready for, she wasn't sure why she spent the effort but she supposed that she wasn't quite that pathetic enough yet to lay around in her own filth all day. As she showered she attempted to put the latest dream out of her mind, but like with everything else in her life, she failed.
When her mom died, and Chris left, her entire world shattered. She was left alone to pick up the pieces but she was too emotionally numb to do anything. She found false solace in the bottle. But the bottle was no friend and soon, it destroyed what little good she had left in her life. Her job, her family, her friends… everything disappeared in the haze of drunken days and even drunker nights. The only thing that remained was the broken shell of the woman she used to be.
But then, a few days ago, she met a man who, for the first time in months, gave her a reason to hope. That she could be better, that she could be healed, that she could be found worthy of love again. The little voice inside her head that taunted her unmercifully had been silenced completely, and Haley finally felt the peace she had been searching for since her mom's death. It was exhilarating and terrifying and wonderful and Haley sensed that this man held the key to her happiness. However, that happiness remained out of reach as Haley let the feat that had controlled her life for the last six months rear its ugly head again. Scared of what Nathan would say if he ever found out her role in her mom's death, and unwilling to believe he might not blame her, Haley did what she did best: she ran. She ran so fast, so quickly, and tried to shove thoughts of Nathan from her mind so far that the entire night seemed like some hazy dream.
Reaching for the faucet to turn off the water, Haley resolved to not think about Nathan any more. Whatever had happened between them, whatever quirk of fate brought them together that day was of no matter. She had to move on from that night.
Grabbing the towel she hung over the shower rod, she wrapped it around herself and pulled back the curtain, only to let out a startled shriek.
"What the hell, Brooke?! "
Her best friend was sitting on the closed seat of the toilet, intently reading a magazine. "Good, you're done," she chirped as she flipped a page. "Oooh, they're saying green is the new pink and that yellow is the new red."
"Brooke! What the hell are you doing here? In my bathroom, waiting on me to get out of the shower? Kinda creepy, don't you think?" Haley asked as she stepped out of the shower.
"Tutor Girl, please. We lived together for how long in college? You forget I've seen you naked," Brooke retorted as she continued to flip through the magazine.
"Still doesn't make this less creepy," Haley muttered as she walked out of the bathroom. "Why are you here anyway?"
The cheerful brunette bounced into the bedroom. "I thought we could hang out today. You know, have one of our girlie days."
Weakly smiling, Haley only shrugged. "Yeah, maybe."
"Don't sound so enthused, Haley," Brooke drawled, crossing her arms over her chest. Quirking an eyebrow, she continued. "Look, I know I've been pushing you to talk to me about what happened with your mom and with Chris but no more, I swear."
Haley couldn't hide her surprise. "What changed? You've been hounding… I mean, checking on me practically every day. What gives?"
Brooke walked over to Haley's bed and sat on it, reclining against the headboard. She patted the space next to her, silently asking Haley to join her. Grabbing a robe she had hastily thrown over a chair, Haley wrapped it around herself before sitting beside Brooke.
"Will you listen to me for a few minutes? I mean, really listen and not walk away or change the subject?" Brooke asked.
Haley slowly nodded, unsure of what her friend was going to say. "Br—"
"I mean it, Haley. Just… listen, okay? After I say this, I promise I won't bring it up again and no more lectures from me."
"Okay, Tigger."
Brooke sighed and Haley felt a sense of dread wash over her. She had only seen Brooke this serious a handful of times over the course of their friendship so she braced herself for what was to come.
"Haley, I think you need to talk to someone. You won't talk to me, which I admit, that hurts because you're my best friend, but I guess I can understand. I'm not exactly biased here—I loved your mom and I was never a fan of Chris. So maybe you feel like I can't understand or I'm too close to the situation, I don't know," Brooke said as she played with the hem of her shirt.
"Brooke, I—"
"Haley, please. Just let me finish. You owe me that."
Thinking of what she had put her best friend through over the last six months—the fights, the drunken tears and recriminations, the casual disregard of their friendship—Haley nodded.
"Thanks," Brooke said. "For whatever reason, you can't or don't want to talk to me but I think you need to talk to someone."
At Brooke's words, Haley immediately thought of Nathan and the peace and contentment she felt when she was with him. She wanted to think that he could help her but she knew if she was wrong, if he walked away from her once he knew what she had done, that would be the final blow to her already fragile psyche.
Determined to finally say what she had wanted to say for months, Brooke pressed on. "Maybe someone who didn't know your mom or Chris. I think it could really help you, but it has to be your decision. Just think about it, okay? The next thing I want to say is this: your mom's death is not your fault."
At the mention of her mom's passing, Haley instinctively shrunk away. Brooke grabbed her hand and held it between her own. She gripped Haley's hand tightly and tried to get her friend's attention.
"I know you blame yourself, Haley, but listen to me and listen good: Lydia's death? Was not your fault. At all," Brooke said, her tone vehement. Haley had spent too many months blaming herself for the accident and Brooke was determined to stop that.
"I don't know how to make you believe that. Tell me what to say and I will. You weren't the one driving the car that hit your mom. You weren't the asshole who decided to get drunk and run a red light. You didn't kill your mom."
"But Brooke, she was-"
"Haley, I know she was coming to see you but you couldn't have known what was going to happen that night."
Sometime during Brooke's speech, Haley's eyes filled with tears and she couldn't stop them from falling. Part of her wanted so badly to believe what Brooke was saying, but the broken girl inside of her was resistant. She shook her head as a way to blunt Brooke's words as her friend continued.
"Your mom wouldn't want you to blame yourself, Haley. She loved you so much," Brooke said quietly, her voice cracking with pent-up emotion.
Shaking slightly from the force of her sobs, Haley leaned into her best friend, resting her head on Brooke's shoulder. The two girls cried together for long minutes. After the tears had stopped, and the duo composed themselves, Haley sat up, her mind overloaded with images Brooke's words evoked.
Her mom laughing as Haley's dad twirled her around their old kitchen.
Nathan's smile at Haley's confusion over the sport he played.
Her mom singing softly as she made supper while Haley sat at the kitchen table.
Her brothers and sisters laughing at her dad's poor attempt at karaoke on a long-ago Thanksgiving night.
Nathan's bright blue eyes that made her believe there was something better out there for her.
Haley was feeling raw, her emotions a jumbled mess. Part of her rejoiced at Brooke's passionate speech on her behalf, but that troublesome inner voice was telling her that Brooke was simply lying. Her heart was telling her to trust that Nathan wouldn't hurt her, but her head was shouting how Chris had betrayed her and broken her heart. She was torn and scared that whichever path she followed would be the wrong one. But maybe it was time to make that decision.
"So do you hate me now, Tutor Girl?" Brooke's soft whisper broke the stillness.
Haley did the only thing she could at that moment: she laughed. Brooke looked shocked but after a moment, joined her.
"No, Tigger. I know you mean well and I also know I haven't been the greatest friend lately. I…I appreciate the words and I so badly want to believe them, but…" Her voice trailed off.
"It's the truth, Haley," Brooke insisted.
Haley nodded. "It's your truth, Brooke. And I'm not saying it won't ever be my truth, but right now?" She took a deep breath before continuing. "I've done a lot of things over the past several months that I'm not proud of. I've spent so long punishing myself for my mom's death that it's not going to go away just like that. I want to believe you, Brooke, I really do, but it's going to take some time."
Brooke nodded, unsure of what to say next. "So, will you? I mean, talk to someone?"
Nathan's smiling face flashed before her eyes. Haley nodded slowly. "Yeah, maybe."
