Chapter 11 - No one can know
She startled as she felt a warm breath on her neck, followed by a small kiss. She turned around and got met by Alex's big smile. His smile made her smile back but she also felt anxious and nervous. It had been the first day of them working together, also seeing each other since that day in his bedroom and like last time, they hadn't talked about it. They had managed to spend the entire day together and avoid that exact topic - Which made her relieved in a way, because she wasn't exactly sure about what they were doing, if they were doing anything but still. She kinda liked it - and she knew he probably liked it just as much. She had one fear, one remaining thought that kept haunting her. She had a feeling that Alex, was putting more into this than she did. Not because she didn't wanted to, but because she couldn't. Whatever there was going on, needed some strict lines.
"Can I see you tonight?" he asked hopeful and made room for Claire, so she could shut the gate to the paddock. "I thought that was the plan all along - Go through the budget and everything?" she asked, knowing that wasn't what he was asking for.
"Yeah, but after" he said and placed his hand around her waist. "mmh?" he said with a low whisper and it made Claire send out a shy smile before she backed away from him. "People can see us" she said and picked up a bucket of curry combs, trying her very best to draw a line between them. "But yeah. We have to talk anyway" she said and looked over her shoulder as she walked by him. Talk, about what? he thought to himself and followed her back to the stables. "What do we need to talk about?"
"This!" Claire said with a frown on her face, like it was the most obvious thing that needed to be talked about. "But we did talk" Alex said and smiled as he remembered where that talk lead to. Claire snorted and shook her head "Things are different now, I guess" she said and put the bucket back where it belonged. "They are?" he asked and put his arms around her from the back and kissed her on the cheek. It made her smile and feel all warm inside, but it scared her so she pulled herself away from him and turned to look at him. "I'm gonna go now" she said with a half smile and walked passed him. "See you tonight, okay?" she asked, still with her back to him. "Yeah, see ya" Alex said feeling a little low. He was constantly getting mixed signals from Claire, or so it felt anyway and it confused him a lot. He had to know what they were doing, what this was, but he also knew how much she was struggling with everything that had happened with Peter - but he wanted to show her that he was different, if she would allow him to, which he wasn't quite sure she would.
After having worked on the budget for a good hour or so, Claire still hadn't started talking about what she thought that needed to be discussed - And it was starting to irritate Alex a lot more, than he would have thought. She could at least be up front with what she wanted, was that too much to ask for? He didn't think so. But he knew he couldn't march up to her and demand anything, it wasn't his right. She was still hurting and he had to accept that, if he wanted this to go anywhere - but that all depended on Claire of course.
Claire got up from the dining table with the worksheet in her hand, stretching her legs as she ran through all the numbers. She tried really hard to understand every written number, but there was a lot of them and the amount wasn't all that small either. "Are you sure we need this?" she asked and pointed on the worksheet but took it away from Alex's sight before he could see what she was looking at. He sighed and shook his head at her with a smile - She wasn't really looking for his opinion. He got up and walked to her side and studied the sheet over her shoulder.
"Are you sure this is calculated right?" she asked and pointed on one of the larger numbers. "Claire .." Alex said, knowing money wasn't exactly something there was a lot of on Drovers at the moment. "Stop worrying so much - That is why we are two in this. We'll figure it all out, okay?" he said but he only got a hmm sound from her, too busy with going through everything on the sheet. "Okay" he said and took the worksheet out of her hands and threw it on the table. It finally made her turn around and face him. At first she looked a bit annoyed by it but then she softened up as saw the look on his face. It wasn't anything in particular, just a simple smile but it was enough to make her just a tiny bit weak in the knees.
"I think you have something to say" Alex said and placed himself on the edge of the dining table. "Yes" Claire said and started to walk back and forth nervously. She had done a lot of thinking the past days, about them and this - but she wasn't sure she was ready to share her thoughts with Alex, if she even had come to a conclusion as well.
"Claaaire" he said and stopped her from walking around any longer with his hand. "Right" Claire said and cleared her throat. "I don't really know how to say this or if it's going to make sense but .. " She stopped, trying to figure out how to get the words out. "That night in Adelaide, was clearly a mistake but then it happened again, and .. Well, it felt kinda good. Or, really amazing actually." She stopped again, feeling her cheeks go red and she instantly felt shy from saying it, as Alex kept looking at her with a big weird smile on his face. "Anyway. You know what happened with Peter and I'm not in a place where I can even consider going into anything, at all. But I also have this … feeling of being better when I'm with you"
"Claire, what are you trying to say?" Alex asked confused and crossed his arms, trying his very best to understand where she was going with all of this.
"I guess I'm trying to say, that I like being with you but that I can't be with you. I mean, maybe we could continue doing what we are doing now and just see how it goes down the line?" she said and looked hopeful at him. "I think I need to understand this correctly" Alex said and got on his feet again. "You are asking me, if we can have casual sex now and then?"
"Well, yeah. I guess. No strings attached, just you and me" she said and waited for him to say something. He took a moment to grasp his head around what she had just asked him. Normally he was the one asking such a question and hearing it from Claire, felt really weird. He frowned at her, really going through pros and cons - but he quickly came to the decision that were more that talked for it than against it. He loved her after all and he would take anything he could from her.
"Well" he said and walked to her with a teasing smile. "If we are going to this, I need to know, no - I demand that we are inclusive. No sleeping with others, just you and me. Alright?"
Claire thought about his demand, it seemed fair. Not that she had planned on sleeping around with anyone else and it was a good comfort knowing he wouldn't be doing it either. "Okay" She said and nodded. "But, this isn't a relationship. You don't owe me anything and I don't owe you anything, just that we don't sleep around. If some of us feel like it needs to end, it ends, okay?" she asked and got a nod from Alex. "And no one can know"
"Yeah yeah" Alex said and took a step towards her, pulling her in. "Alex I mean it" she said as he started to kiss her on the neck. "No one can know, I heard you" Alex said and repeated her own words and then he continued to smother her neck with kisses.
