Chapter 14 - She wants to but she can't
He left. He actually really up and left. She kept her stare at the door, too in shock to really understand it. At this point she didn't even care about the girls, if they saw him or not - She just wanted him back. She never thought he would be the one to end it between them, she always imagined she would be the one to do that.
It wasn't until she heard the car take off outside, that she was brought back from all the thoughts that kept racing in her head. She felt so stupid and angry with herself, for not being open with Alex. She had the chance and she blew it, just because she had to be so scared of feeling something ever again.
She moved her focus from the door and to the bed, they had been in minutes ago. She had it all there, or at least the opportunity to have it all and now she was left with nothing. It almost felt worse than her break off with Peter, and her and Alex wasn't even dating.
"Claire?" Tess's voice reached her from behind. She turned around with tearful eyes and Tess knew something wasn't right. She made her way to Claire and placed a comforting arm on her shoulder. "I messed up, Tess" Claire said with a low voice, trying not to cry. Tess smiled at her, a smile telling her everything was going to be alright. She was surprised her instinct had been right - She just knew something was up. Alex was over way too much.
"What about…" Tess said and guided her back in bed. "We have a sister day today, starting in this bed, with our pj's on and then you can tell me all about what happened with Alex" Tess continued and crawled up in the bed with Claire. She wasn't sure if Claire agreed with it but she had to talk about what just happened, and why Alex stormed off without as much as look at them downstairs, and why she was trying to hide them being together.
Tess tucked the sheet around Claire's legs, making her frown at her. "Sorry" she said, knowing she was pampering too much. Claire kept her displeased look and moved one of her legs out of the sheet, almost as if it was some kind of protest. Tess couldn't help but smile with a shook on her head. That was Claire for you alright.
"So, let me see if I got this right" Tess said and looked very intensely at Claire. "You and Alex wasn't dating, you were just …" she stopped, trying to process what Claire just had told her. "just having sex" Claire finished the sentence for her and sighed. But it wasn't just sex, she knew that and she had for a while - It was exactly what Alex had been saying to her this morning as well. Tess still looked speechless at her sister, having a really hard time understanding that she would have that kind of a relationship, it was so unlike her.
"But why did he rush out of here this morning?" Tess asked, remembering him coming down the stairs in a hurry. Claire sighed again and looked away. Why was it hurting so much? Claire shrugs her shoulders, as to say she didn't really wanted to talk about it - but Tess wouldn't let her get off the hook that easy.
"Claire" Tess said with a firm voice, letting her know she wouldn't drop this. "Because we got in a fight about this whole arrangement" Claire said and looked away again. They shouldn't have started anything to begin with, she just felt so safe, so protected with him. She took in a deep breathe, somewhere deep down she had hoped for the exact same thing to happen, as he did - That she would open up and learn to trust again. Why couldn't she? He had done nothing to make her not trust him. She closed her eyes - It could all be traced back to Peter.
"And what was this arrangement exactly?" Tess asked wondering. "I mean, was it because one of you wanted more or was it the terms of the whole thing?" she continued. Claire finally looked at her again. She could see it bothered her, that she didn't feel like talking about it but she had to.
"We agreed that anyone of us could end it at any given time, if we couldn't do it anymore. I guess he couldn't" Claire finally spoke, trying her very best to keep the sadness at a distance. "But why?" Tess asked with the same wondering voice. "He doesn't strike me as someone who would say no to sex - He's Alex"
"I know!" Claire hissed at Tess. Could she just stop with all the questions already, it made her even more sad. "He always has it going with someone. So why, there must be a reason for it?" Tess continued, ignoring the fact Claire was getting more and more upset. "Because he loves me!" Claire said and looked at Tess with firm eyes. "He loves me, okay?" Claire spoke again, this time in a much lower voice and a couple of tears had found their way to her eyes. Tess's surprised look from Claire's outburst slowly started to turn into a comforting one. Claire shook her head, feeling a light stream of tears escape. Saying it out loud made her realise what she had thrown away.
"He said that?" Tess asked gently and put a arm around her shoulder. Claire shook her head. "No" she snivelled and tried to dry away the tears and collect herself again. "I overheard it a while back. I had just started seeing Peter. Alex and Nick had a talk outside on the veranda. Alex told Nick how much he disliked Peter, and that he loved me"
Tess sighed in compassion with Claire. "And you love him too, don't you?" she asked and made Claire turn her head. She nodded, unable to say the words out loud. "But why the big fight then?"
"Because I couldn't tell him, Tess" Claire said and felt the lump in her throat grow bigger. "What, that you love him?" Tess asked and moved herself to the middle of the bed. "Why not?" she asked again, seeking Claire's eyes.
"I couldn't tell him because I'm scared - I don't want to have to deal with everything all over again" Claire said and even heavier tears started to fall down her cheeks, making small marks of water on the sheet. Tess gave a her comforting smile and took her hand. "That's silly Claire. Alex isn't Peter - Just because Peter wasn't a great guy, doesn't mean all men are bad" Claire shook her head - She knew that, which made everything much more painful. "I think you should tell him" Tess suddenly said, made Claire look at her again. "No, it's too late to tell him now. He made his choice, Tess"
"You didn't give him much of a choice, did you?" Tess answered, feeling like Claire was being stupid. Of course she couldn't begin to fathom how she felt and she couldn't tell her how to feel, but she was being stupid. Alex was a really great guy.
Claire snorted and moved to the edge of the bed. She stayed there for a while, thinking about what Tess had just said. She was right, she didn't leave him with any choice but to end things - Not that she would let her know. And it was too late. She knew plenty of the girls Alex had been with, and there only ever was one chance with him. He was probably already thinking about his next encounter - If she knew him as well as she would think she did.
"This is stupid" Claire said and got out of bed and made her way to closet. She pulled out an old shirt and a couple of jeans. "We can't stay here all day" she said and started to get undressed. Tess looked both annoyed and worried at her sister. She was doing it again. Running away from her problems, like she always did - but she knew nothing good would come out of pressuring her to talk. She had to see it herself before she would listen. Tess got out of bed with a sigh and walked to her sister's side. "I really do think you should tell him" she said before she left the room. Claire looked her way and then back at the reflection staring at her. The same old fear wouldn't let her, even if she wanted to - and she wanted to, oh so badly.
