Chapter 16 - It's our mess

She walked the few meters from the ute to the front door - Every step felt like she was being pulled under, like someone had tied a rock to her feet and threw her overboard to sink. She knew what she was going to say, what she needed to say but not how. She wasn't even sure how he would respond to it. He might even freak out, which she wasn't sure she could handle - She was freaking out enough for both of them.
She Took in a deep breath and rang the doorbell. It took awhile before someone answered, enough time to make her question everything, doubting whether or not she should tell him anything but she couldn't exactly keep it from him. Finally Liz came in sight at the door and interrupted her downhill spiral she was on her way down.
"Claire?" She said surprised. Claire smiled at her, not knowing what to say. She might have known Liz for years but she never really socialized with her. At least not more than she had to - And she hadn't really thought off running into her, when going through the scenario in her head. "Well, come in!" Liz said again, still surprised to see Claire there.
"Is everything okay?"
Claire snorted at her question. No, everything wasn't exactly okay but she couldn't tell her that. "Yeah yeah, I just need to see Alex" She said and tried her very best to seem collected. "He's just outside with Harry and Nick. We were about to grab some dinner, you want to join us?"
"Oh, no thanks" Claire quickly said and started to curse herself for going there doing dinner. Just the thought of it made her feel sick to her stomach.
"Look who's here" Liz happily said as they walked towards the others in the backyard. "What a surprise! What do we owe the honor?" Harry asked and got on his feet to shake her hand. "I just need to talk with Alex for a second" Claire answered and send them all a smile. Alex got on his feet fast and quickly made his way to her. He already had a worried look on his face, and she hadn't even told him yet. "Is everything okay?" Alex asked as he got to her side. He saw right through her smile - even if she tried, she couldn't fool him. "No, we need to talk" Claire almost whispered so the others wouldn't hear it.
He looked around for a moment to figure out where they best could talk, and then his eyes caught the house. They could talk in private there while the others enjoyed their dinner by the pool. "It'll just be a moment" He said to the others and guided Claire back to the house.

"What's wrong?" He asked and seeked her eyes but she kept looking anywhere but at him. Claire felt a few tears pressing to get out - She hated the fact that they had put themselves in a situation like this. All the way into her bones she hated it. Not Alex, and really not the baby either but the mess and everything along with it. "Claire, are you crying?" he asked surprised and made her turn his way. "I'm sorry" Claire snivelled and quickly dried of her tears. "Don't be, just talk to me" Alex said with a comforting voice and a smile to match.
She breathed out and shook off the last of the nerves before she dared to open up for it.
"You know that time, where things got a little heated and we got caught in the moment?" She asked, hoping it could lead his mind on the right track. Alex frowned at her, was she trying to tell him she wanted to pick up where they left?
"Do you?" She asked again, this time with a bit more harsh voice. "Well yeah, I suppose" Alex said and kept his confused look. "Claire, what's the matter? You are driving me crazy here" he continued as she kept silent.
Claire exhaled, she had no good way of telling him - Was there even a good way? The best she could do was just tell him as it was. So she pulled out the pregnancy test she had in her pocket. "This, is what's the matter" she said and showed him the result. He froze, making Claire's heart race for its life. She didn't know if it was a good thing or a bad thing - but at this point it really didn't matter, her heart would probably have been beating out of her chest anyway. "This is a pregnancy test" he said and took it from her hand. He looked at her and then back at the test, almost as if he was dealing with a very hard puzzle. "You're pregnant?" he finally asked and looked back at her with a face that only showed one thing. Shock. "How long have you known?" he suddenly asked and lowered his hand.
"I just found out, Alex" Claire said, almost as he was judging her or something. He looked back at the positive test in his hand, trying to progress everything.
"It's okay if you don't …"
"Don't what?" He cut her off and looked back at her with a firm look. "If you don't want to … be a dad…" the words killed her to say and the tears from earlier pressed to come out again. "If I don't want to?" he asked surprised. "Yeah, I mean - We aren't even together or anything" Claire said and started to cry. "It's all just one big mess" she continued sobbingly, making him draw out a tiny smile and pull her in for a hug.
"Just because we aren't together …" He stopped. It killed him to say the words out loud, he still secretly wanted to be with her, but he knew he couldn't act on it, not again. "Just because we aren't together, doesn't mean I won't own up to my responsibility." He continued and made her look at him. "It might be a mess, but it's our mess. Okay?" he said comforting, which made her slow down her crying.
"Are you saying you want his?" She asked both surprised and in tears. She wasn't sure what she had expected but she hadn't counted on it being this easy. "Are you kidding me? Yeah!" Alex said happily and a huge smile appeared on his lips. Claire couldn't help but match his smile - They were actually going to have a child together. They were going to be parents. It felt so surreal to think about but it filled her with a lot of warm feelings, but also a great deal of concern. It was the first time for them both, none of them would know anything about it and finally - They weren't a couple. She stopped and felt her stomach twist. Not in a pregnant kind of way, but because knowing that being with Alex wouldn't be an option was too hard to think about, when all she really wanted was to be just that.
As her thoughts about not being with him kept running on repeat, her smile slowly disappeared. Making it work, would be hard but they had to.
"Can we … wait before telling anyone?" Claire asked. "It's all very confusing and I still need to see the doctor. We also have to figure out what to say to everyone and ... "
"Claire stop" Alex said and held a hand up. "One step at the time. We'll get an appointment at the doctor and after that we'll figure out what to tell everyone, okay?" he asked and smiled at her gently. "We?" She asked surprised.
"Yeah - You didn't think I would let you go to these things alone, did you?" Alex asked and kept his stare at her. Just like everything else, she wasn't sure - She hadn't even thought about having him there but it made sense. He was the dad after all.
"Are you alright in here?" Liz's voice suddenly sounded from the garden door. It pulled them both out of the precious moment and Claire quickly dried her tears. "Yep, everything is fine" she said with a smile, hoping it would convince Liz - but it didn't. "I'd better go" Claire quickly continued and turned around. She couldn't deal with Liz right now and seeing the look on her face, she knew she would have to if she didn't get out of there in a hurry.
"Hey" Alex whispered and grabbed her gently by the arm. "I'm coming by later tonight, okay? we'll finish talking" he continued, making sure Liz couldn't hear anything. Claire nodded on her head and started to walk towards the door. She left Killarney, relieved, knowing that Alex was there, that he wasn't freaking out - At least not as much as she was. He made it feel like it was something they could easily work out, well knowing it would take a lot of hard work.

Later that night Alex dropped by as he had promised. He made his way straight to the back of the house, seeing Claire alone on the veranda. She hadn't noticed him yet, so he kept still and took in her presence, admiring her from afar. He smiled and felt his heart skip a beat. He wasn't over her, he didn't wanted to be over her but he kinda had to, he knew that - but for now he was still head over heels in love with her, and she was going to be the mother of his child - something he actually looked forward to. He was surprised, yes, and he hadn't expected it to happen but he felt ready, and he couldn't wish for someone else to be the mother of his first child than Claire. She was perfect in every way.
He sighed - The only thing that dimmed the happiness was knowing that him and Claire couldn't be together.
"Hey" Alex said with a low voice and started to walk to her side. Claire turned her head, a bit startled by him but then she smiled. A smile that filled him with more joy than he could dare to dream of. It was like he was back in the same state of wanting her, as he had been when they first started to get involved with each other - and that feeling both killed him and made him feel wholesome at the same time.
"Hi" she answered and studied him as he placed himself on the bench next to her. He let out a deep breath and placed his arm on top of the backrest. "So" he said and turned to look at her. Their eyes met and none of them pulled away from that moment that was capturing them. They kept sitting like that for a couple of seconds, just looking at each other. Both feeling the same feeling, only difference was that Claire knew she couldn't feel like that. The fear of getting that hurt again still lingered onto to her, it wouldn't let go.
Alex broke the stare and with a smile he looked out on the night sky, that was filled with stars that shined brighter than they had any other night the last couple of weeks. "We really gonna have a baby huh?" he finally continued and looked back at her. His smile was even bigger now and Claire couldn't help but smile back. "How do you feel about it?" she asked and watched how his face got more serious but yet still relaxed and calm.
"I'm surprised but also happy" Alex answered and saw the surprised look on Claire's face. "You are?" she asked and frowned. From their short conversation earlier she should already know how he felt, she just had to make sure he was really feeling it too. It wasn't something you could regret and if there was a chance he would, she needed to know now.
"Of course!" He stated and moved his upper body her direction. "Why wouldn't I be happy - We are going to have a child!" he continued making Claire send out a small laugh. He was really looking forward to this, wasn't he?
"Even .. " She wanted to ask about them and what happened but she stopped herself - she wasn't sure she would want to know the answer. "Even what?" he asked and seeked her eyes. "Even after everything that has happened?" Claire continued with a low voice and looked away from him. She couldn't look him in the eyes when he answered that - It wasn't like she wanted things to end, she actually wished it could have worked out, that she somehow could shake the feeling off that Peter had left her with. Alex sighed and kept looking at her - He understood why she had that barrier up, Peter had put her through hell and it was natural to be scared. But this was him, he wouldn't ever do that to her.
"Claire …" he said and reached for her hand. She slowly turned her head, looking alternating on their hands and at him. "You know. I should have told you this a long time ago but …" he stopped. He wasn't sure if it was wise to say anything but he felt like he had to. "I love you" he continued and felt his heart race. "I know it's not what you want to hear and that it probably won't do you any good. But I'm here, okay? I'm not going anywhere. I'm gonna take my share of this and we are gonna make it work. We are a family now and I'm not running away from my responsibilities"
His words had caused tears to her eyes. She loved him too, she really did but the same old voice inside of her kept telling her she couldn't. She sighed. If he had told her how he really felt before Peter came into her life, maybe things would have been different. "Since we are being honest" Claire spoke and looked away from him again. She hadn't planned on telling him, ever but it felt like she needed to. "I already knew you love me" she said with a low voice and looked back at him. "You know?" Alex asked surprised. How could she know when he hadn't told her? She nodded and looked out at the sky again. "I heard you and Nick talk" she continued like it was fine but it wasn't. Alex got more surprised and it took him a minute to process the fact she knew what had been a secret for so long. After a while he shook his head and took his eyes off her. If she knew, why hadn't she told him? and did it mean that she didn't love him?
"Why didn't you say anything?" Alex asked with a low voice, yet firm. Claire turned her focus to him again - The answer to his question was obvious but how she wished she had. "I was with Peter…" she said and felt a sting of heartache find its way to her. Alex snorted and looked at her. His facial expression had changed and he seemed genuinely mad and sad at the same time. "Just barely! You hadn't known him for more than a couple of months. You should have told me! I think I deserved that much" Alex said and started to raise his voice. "You deserve it?!" Claire answered with a voice just as firm and loud. If anyone deserved to know it, it was her. She could have been spared for so much hurt and pain if he had gotten his act together back when he had the chance. "How about I deserved to know, Alex? You had plenty of time to tell me but you didn't - You kept acting like those words never crossed your lips. How do you think it made me feel?" Claire continued. She was feeling a anger towards the fact Alex never said anything, a anger she had buried, a anger she thought was gone. Alex didn't say anything, he kept looking at her. Speechless - Mostly because she was right, he should have told her.
"If you had told me …" Claire stopped and looked away from him with a shook on her head. "If you had told me, I wouldn't have gotten this far with Peter" she continued and felt the old wound from the heartache show its face again. Her words came as a surprise to him and he felt more of a idiot now than he did before. He reached for her hand again, letting her know he was truly sorry without saying a word.
"I've been such an idiot" he said after a while and gave her smile begging for her forgiveness. "Yeah and a big one" Claire said and tried not to smile as the words crossed her lips. It made Alex draw out a smile, followed by a tiny shake on his head. One look at each other and they burst out laughing - The reason was unclear but everything that had happened the last months was just so out of this world and now this. It was almost too much to handle that laughing just seemed like the best way out of this.
"We really are a mess, aren't we?" Alex asked between his laughs. "Just a bit" Claire answered and kept laughing with a big grin on her face. After a while the laughing wore off and it was like the conversation never had happened but it had - They both knew it but somehow none of them felt the need to dig into it further.
"We'll pull through this together, right?" Alex asked, making Claire turn her face towards him. "Yeah, we will" she answered with a gentle smile and eyes to match. She was certain that they would figure out how to do this, the best way possible. Alex returned her smile and placed his arm around her and pulled her close. He kissed her on top of her head as it was natural and then he took in a deep breath, as he looked to the stars. "We are going to have a kid" he said, almost like it was the first time it really became clear for him. Claire smiled and tucked her head closer onto his chest. They were indeed going to have a child and somehow all the fear and doubt was starting to leave her body. Being here with him made it feel like it was destined, like it couldn't be any other way - no matter what the future held for the two of them.