A/N: In this chapter, there is a HUGE SPOILER ABOUT THE ACTUAL BOOK & TRILOGY. I don't think that a single soul left on the World immune to this information, but if you don't know about the sad, sad truth about the end of the Hobbit, this chapter may be bad for your health.
Hey hey, my my! May I present to you yet another chapter! This is a placid and hectic one at the same time, promise you'll know what I mean after reading the entire thing.
Borys68: Sorry you had lost your interest on the story and thank you for reading for all this time. But I have to say that I don't lift dialoges from the movie except for the early couple of chapters. I try to keep it original, in a sense and you may find some events that I've made up. I think I don't have the ability to make the whole thing up, though. Just wanted to say. whiteredebony: oh, it's definitely not funny this time, her knowledge I mean. you'll see about that. :) also thank you, I love writing scenes with other characters as well, it's challenging. Phantom: welcome and thank you for your lovely review, I'm always worried about Fai's character development though, it's like not noticing how taller your child got because you see her every single day. Glad you think i'm doing well. :)
Aaaand previously on The Great Perhaps: In the 16th chapter, the company had made their way to Beorn's, making a hilarious entrance. Our poor characters got the chance to rest and tend the wounded, and there was also some Bofur-Fai bonding.
Enjoy my dears, and shot me a review if you please! :)
"Will you please teach me how to do it?"
"No kid, just give up. I've already done plenty for you by letting you have mead before breakfast time."
Fai had been begging Beorn for his secret honey cake recipe for almost half an hour. He was preparing the mixture and considering his height, the man was pretty good at hiding ingredients and the amount of them. On tiptoe, Fai was constantly whining and trying to catch a glimpse. He was right though, amazingly delicious mead was almost making up for the recipe. The pair had warmed to each other pretty quickly, for Beorn didn't have a thing for her kind like he did for Dwarrows. Seeing Fai curiously walking about despite her injured leg was amusing him, and how she cared for his animals was definitely earning her some brownie points.
As for Fai, she had been curious about Beorn right from the start. He was always one of her favorite characters and seeing him in flesh was absolutely fantastic for her. And being in his house.. She could live there forever. It wasn't clear to her if the Dwarrows were feeling the same, but she was definitely in love with Beorn's house and all of his animals. At first she was terrified by bees in abnormal size, but after a couple of days she even got used to them flying right next to her and carrying stuff around. Insomuch that, she could've sworn that one night the bees had draped a blanket over her while she was about to fall asleep.
The animals seemed to take a liking to Fai as well, for they have sensed Beorn's positive attitude towards her. The dogs were around her all the time, and cats were fond of taking naps on her lap. Everything was so beautiful, so soothing in fact, enough to cover the ominous absence of Beorn's at nights. Still, Fai couldn't help but feel restless after his midnight trips so she had waited for him to come back. And when he did, his ragged clothes and heavy breathing were making the brutality of his disappearances clear. The Dwarrows didn't seem to notice anything as they happily ate, sang and slept every night.
"Can I at least make some of my own? Some cookies maybe?" Fai tried again, licking her lips after a big sip of her huge mug of mead. The drink was amazing, and sharp enough to make her drunk, if she'd have another mug on an empty stomach. Beorn huffed impatiently and knowing that she would keep getting in his face, he finally gave up. In the mean time, he was kind of curious about her baking skills. Without a word, he put the mixture down and ambled towards the long dinner table to pick up a log for her to stand on. The kitchen was made for someone at his height, therefore Fai's shoulders were hardly reaching the countertop while on tiptoe. Beorn placed the log right in front of the counter for her to step on.
"Careful not to waste the ingredients. It'd be disrespectful to my friends."
Fai reassured him with a smile and rolled up her sleeves. Back in Earth, she was always cooking for herself. She loved baking and cooking, anything related to kitchen, really. Even though cooking for one was making her feel so alone, the kitchen itself was soothing and she used to find herself in there pretty often, making up new recipes. It was one of the rarest things that kept her away from the internet; hence from the endless fanfictions and chain-smoking, so although Fai didn't enjoy eating as much as cooking, she tried to benefit from the therapeutic atmosphere of the kitchen. The other part of this therapy was singing, to be honest she was constantly singing back on Earth. Music was the only thing she'd missed about Earth.
It was the most normal things she had done in quite a while. After shooting arrows and swinging blades, fighting Orcs and running from the Goblins, being in a normal kitchen blew her away. Well, normal, except for the dogs carrying plates around, and huge bees tidying up the house. A warm feeling coiled itself up in the middle of Fai's chest, and she quickly beat the eggs. A song was tugged at her lips without her consciousness and as she happily knead the though, Beorn watched her with the corner of his eye. He was kind of impressed of how she knew her way around what she did.
"It left the world and took its flight, over the wide seas of the night.
The moon set sail upon the gale, and stars were fanned to leaping light."
The song was something the Dwarrows sang over and over again the other night. It was beautiful, and the only music Fai had, so she held onto it. She didn't even know that it got stuck in her head, but there she was, singing the part about the dragon. The cats seemed to like her voice, for they were twining in between her legs, their furry tails elegantly brushing her knees.
As Fai kept on working, there was a secret audience she wasn't aware of.
The brown headed heir of Durin was lying in his bed on a wooden mezzanine. He was lying on his stomach and his chin was resting on his arms crossed in front of him. There was an admiring smile on his face as he listened how she sang a Dwarven song. And every time she had turned around to his side to get an ingredient, he quickly closed his eyes in fear of getting caught while peeking on her.
Kili liked watching her. It was the first time he had seen her doing something rather calm and it was interesting when she doesn't jump around. She was unarmed and again, after a long long time under only one layer of clothing. Her cloak was away somewhere, and he wasn't very used to see her actual body shape. He liked how Fai prepared the dough, singing and taking quick sips of mead in between. He wondered where she got the drink from in this time of the day and immediately craved for some of it.
"Alright, these are ready. Can you please take it to the oven, it's not made for a gnome like me."
Beorn laughed beatifically and leaned forward to pick the trays from her hands and soon whisked away to the oven in the garden. Thinking that she was alone, Fai started to clean around as she mumbled the lyrics to a song from the Earth this time.
"Found yourself in a new direction, aeons far from the sun.."
Up above in the mezzanine, with Fai's voice filling his head Kili slowly surrendered to sleep once more.
.oOo.
"Beorn will kick us out all!" Fai protested in disbelieve, "I can't bake more, it's the fifth tray!"
The company were gathered around the long table, trying to have breakfast for a full hour. They weren't filling up and Fai didn't know what to do, for Beorn was sleeping in the adjoint barn. Considering how his nights went, it was only natural. She was awake the moment Beorn crawled in last night, she had heard him panting and walking around wearily for a while, checking if the company was safe.
They were safe indeed, but when it comes to eating, the Dwarrows could get a bit of competitive. The cookies Fai had baked was somehow captured by a very happy Dwalin. Who knew such a tough Dwarf was all for cookies.
"By my beard, it's not even fair! Dwalin ate all of it." Ori complained with a cranky expression on his face. Other Dwarrows joined him with inaudible complaints, while Fai shot a glance around the table, her eyes twice the size.
"Wait, even Bombur didn't get one?"
"No, not even me." grumbled the red headed Dwarf, venting his spleen on a honeycake. Fai was about to burst into a long, striking laugh but she hardly restrained herself the last minute. She wasn't sure if laughing in hungry Dwarrows faces would be a smart move, but Dwalin's overly happy and mischievous smile was definitely not helping. With a voice that got distorted by her repressed laughter, she spoke without making eye contact with furious Dwarven faces around her.
"I'll made some for this evening, alright? I can't even reach the counter or the oven by myself, you'll have to wait Beorn."
Bilbo came to her rescue, for he was happy just to be able to have breakfast; cookies, or no cookies. He poured more milk into the Dwarrow's mugs while Fai served some buttered breads. For a minute, she felt the quest vanishing again, making her feel like they were a big, merry family living in the woods with nothing to pursue. Fai didn't know about them but on her behalf, she could live like that. The story didn't have a happy ending after all.
The story didn't have a happy ending.
Then, it struck her.
After finding herself in Middle-Earth, Fai got used to live in the moment. She had fought when needed and ran when she was supposed to. Right before the dangerous events, she had tried to remember what was going to happen and that was all. She didn't think any further. She didn't think about the end of the story. She didn't think about Smaug much, and she definitely didn't think about the Battle of The Five Armies.
The men sitting around her, laughing around or sulking over her stupid cookies was going to be in a war and the realization just dawning upon her right in that moment. She, as a matter of fact, was going to be in that war, if something else won't kill her before. She couldn't bear to look at their faces, for all she saw was imaginary wounds and blood on them.
And she definitely couldn't look at the brothers, and their uncle.
Fai quickly head towards the counter with the empty basket dangling from her elbow, and the air left her lungs. She stepped on the log and got rid of the basket, then hold the edges of the countertop to get the support she needed. Suddenly, the room wasn't big enough and she needed out.
"I'm going for a walk," Fai mumbled, walking towards the door with her face curtained with golden hair. She wished for her voice to not give the crisis away. "I think I overdid the milk."
"Or mead." Nori joked from across the table, and they shared a smirk with Dori.
And with a convincing fake-smile, Fai dashed out.
...
Fresh air was less helpful than Fai had thought. Still, she took deep breaths while faltering towards a big tree way behind the house. The animals got more and more restless as she walked, and one of the dogs were devotedly following her. Nothing made sense in that moment. It was no way near sitting in front of a computer and imagining how sad the third movie was going to be. It was like a knife stabbed in her heart and someone kept twisting it.
She didn't know when she got under the tree, or wasn't aware of the dog poking her with his nose, trying to make sure if she was alright. Her hands were icy cold and gulping down was an issue, as if stones got lined up in her throat.
They were going to die. Thorin, Fili and Kili were going to die.
The brothers who were joking around in Beorn's house at that moment, were going to die. Thinking about how one couldn't find peace without knowing if the another one was safe shattered Fai. How was she supposed to live with them knowing this burning secret? And how the hell she didn't realize this way earlier? How on Middle-Earth, she couldn't come to think of that? Or was she in denial the entire time?
A bolt of agony tore through her heart.
The delusional rocks down her throat sank in deeper when she started to cry. There was no tears, she was hysterically rocking back and forth, her shoulders pushed forwards and her fingers digging the hollow of her collarbones. It was hurting so bad. And no way she could close her eyes, for the images burned in the back of her eyelids; Thorin and his nephews lying on the ground, soaked in their own blood. They were paler than the sands of Haradwaith deserts, and their eyes had lost its brightness.
"FAI!"
Crap. At that moment, she didn't need a living reminder of what was going to happen. All she needed was some solitude, away from the Dwarrows whom she loved dearly. In fact, too dearly for her own good. She glared at the golden head that was coming closer each second, but couldn't say a word. It was harder than she had thought. It was burning every inch of her body, to see him alive right in front of her, while she knew he probably won't be in the end of their journey.
"Dammit, Fai stop it! Put your hands down." the Dwarf yelled, and that was how she realized her fingernails was piercing her skin. There was blood pooled in her collarbones, some streaming down like narrow, unstable paths. With great panic, Fai retracted her hands. Blood had filled the gap between her fingertips and nails. Her head shaking to the sides, she tried to form words to shoo Fili away.
Beorn's dog darted forward and ran towards the house when Fai shakely stood up, trying to get away from Fili. She wished for the puppy to not wake Beorn up. Another witness was definitely redundant. Trying not to look at her bloody hands, Fai once again shook his head but Fili didn't listen, and in a blink of an eye, he reached out and crushed her into a hug.
That was it, no freaking out, no questions. An arm wrapped around her back while the other caressed her hair, Fili didn't say anything but sweet nothings. He tried to calm her down with his soft whispering, while Fai bursted into actual tears this time. She did her best to keep it quiet, her hands trapping his vest in a death grip, she just buried her head in the Dwarf's neck and cried. A part of her got embarrassed for the flooding teardrops on his skin, while the other got worried about smudging blood on him.
"It's alright love." Fili murmured, pulling her to a even tighter hug. "It's okay, promise."
Hearing his voice made everything worse but there wasn't a way for her to cry harder, therefore she just stayed like that and Fili didn't let her go until her trembling body was calmed and under control. When she came back to her senses, they were sitting under the ancient oak. She was sitting sideways in between his legs, still folded in his arms and her head leaned on his chest.
Now the explanation time, she bit her lower lip. I've screwed up big time.
But it was nothing like she expected.
"Will it make you feel better or worse, if I ask what's destroying you like that?" Fili required, there wasn't an alarmed tone to his voice, which made Fai feel a million times better. He was talking as if it was just an ordinary small talk, and that was all she needed.
"Worse," she mumbled, slightly jolting every now and then by the aftermath of her violent sobbing.
"Are you physically okay?" he raised a brow, asking again more seriously this time, he pulled her out of his embrace for a minute to make eye contact.
"Yes, yes I am." Fai reassured him with a weak smile. Couple of scratches were nothing compared to her former wounds.
"Then that's all I care. Unless you want to tell me, in that case I'm all ears."
With the most heartwarming smile, he pulled Fai to his chest again. She wished there was a way. A way to tell him about all the demons in her head. About how she was terrified, how small she felt and how hard it was to carry such knowledge. Unfortunately, there wasn't a way to tell someone you know how exactly they were going to die, so she kept her mouth shut and tried to stay calm. In point of fact though, if Fai were to tell him that she was going nuts because they were going to die, Fili would only laugh in return. He would say that such fear was only normal in the middle of an adventure like that, but he would swear oaths upon oaths that they would always protect each other and no one's going to be harmed.
If such thing was true.
If everything were that naive.
"There's one thing you can do for me." Fai then remarked, her voice making clear of the seriousness of what she was about to ask.
"Anything."
"You can't tell Kili that I cried. You probably tell each other everything, but you have to keep this one to yourself."
Fili opened his mouth to answer, but she didn't let him. Looking right into his eyes, she continued.
"Maybe this doesn't make sense to you, but if it were him instead of you, we would be fighting right now. He'd want an explanation, and I would've refused, then he would ignore me for weeks or something similar to that. And trust me, I really can't afford a quarrel with him."
The older brother shot a knowing smile and nodded in agreement, and they both kept quiet after that; each crashing under the weight of their own thoughts.
.oOo.
Hours later, Fai was still shaky from the horrendous epiphany of hers. Looking like a ghost of herself, she had spent most of the evening buried in her bed out of hay up in the mezzanine. Seeing the members of the Company was still a torture, and there was a certain someone she had been avoiding. She was feeling rather in a graveyard than to a house, for all she saw was corpses walking around; even the ones she knew to be lived for long years. There Ori was sitting, sketching peacefully; even so Fai couldn't get rid of his image, dropped dead in the middle of a battlefield.
She wasn't totally a nutcase though, there was a logic behind all the fear. She was thinking that more of them could die because of the disturbance of her unexpected presence. If I cause death, she thought, squeezing a fistful of hay, I'll throw myself in front of Smaug.
Her thoughts was nothing but torture to Fai. She was trying to sleep but even so, it was certain that some vivid nightmares would be welcoming her. But when she felt the ground was teetered by someone climbing the ladder, she closed her eyes. The last thing she had seen was the dark brown top of a Dwarf's head.
"Don't even bother, eh? I know you're not asleep, I've been watching you."
There Kili was, sitting on the thin layer of hay on the floor.
he was lying on the ground with a fatal wound.
"You've been what?"
"Watching you, yeah. You floated around like an empty sack all day. Are you ill or something?"
there was a blade in the middle of his chest and he wasn't breathing.
Why he wasn't like his brother even the slightest? The way Fili had treated Fai was the best thing she could possibly ask for in that moment. He was there for her, without asking questions or anything. But there Kili was, interrogating the first minute. Trying to evade the inquiry, she closed her eyes and mumbled.
"My head is killing me."
the Orcs were killing him.
He pensively leaned forward to cage her head in between his hands, but with a shake of her head Fai quickly prevented him. Like seeing him was not enough, now there was touching? It was unbearable. It was too soon, she still couldn't dealing with the truth. To send him away, Fai then opened her eyes and snapped.
"Don't! Just leave me alone, alright? I'm fine. Stop spying on me."
And without waiting the answer, she turned her back to him and didn't open her eyes until Kili resentfully climbed down the ladder. She quietly huffed and cursed in her head, an offended Kili was the last thing she needed, and she felt beyond terrible for treating him like that.
...
It was the dead of night when Fai had woken up from another terrible nightmare, panting and having hard time shaking off its effect. Even the snoring Dwarrows couldn't help her get back to the real world. She took a look down at the company, some of them lied quietly while the most snored the place down. Gandalf was sleeping with eyes open, creepy as always. Bilbo was right next to him, avoiding the animals -especially cats- to the best of his abilities. He was allergic to fur and since they came to Beorn's, he was communicating with sneezes instead of words.
Balin's white beard was shining under the moonlight, he was lying right next to Dwalin. Ori had fallen asleep while sketching, so his head was resting upon his journal instead of a pillow out of hay. Dori and Nori were sleeping on sides of him, with empty mugs of beer around them.
Everyone seemed asleep, instead of one.
Kili's bed was empty. The hay was scattered around, and his cloak was also missing. It wasn't hard to guess where and why he took off, so without even hesitating for a second, Fai draped the cloak over her shoulders and climbed down the ladder. She had to find him and make sure he was safe, even though she still wasn't fond of the idea of seeing him.
She pushed the wooden door open by force and shivered under the chilly air of the night. The ponies were sleeping peacefully, and there wasn't a single voice apart from the hooting owls. Fai didn't want to call his name and alarm everyone, so she started walking around madly, trying to catch a glimpse of him. What she wouldn't give for a night-vision of a Dwarf at that moment. Everywhere seemed the same; pitch black. The crescent moon's faded light was definitely useless.
She fixed her grey eyes on a tree, trying to get her sight used to the darkness. Even when it got better, the girl had no luck. She rambled around the oaks, tried to see through the bushes and the rocks; but what she got was a total nothing. She even whispered his name a couple of times, but all her efforts were in vain.
There was only one thing left to do, and she cursed herself for not doing that sooner. It was a long shot, but if she'd known Kili even the slightest, figured her plan would work perfectly. With eyes shining in mischief, her steps headed towards the exterior door of Beorn's garden. The one that separates them from the dangers of the Arda. Without a rush, she slowly walked and tried to think what she would do if it doesn't work.
What if he was out there somewhere, breaking Beorn's most important rule?
Or what if he really didn't care at all?
Taking a deep breath, her hand reached for the lock of the door. Without having the chance to open it, she got startled by a noise of something, or someone hitting the ground very hard.
"For the sake of mighty Mahal, are you nuts?"
When she heard his voice, her face got captured by a incontrollable smile. She even forgot about the horror scraping her heart for a second.
"The man said it's dangerous outside, what are you trying to do?"
Kili was standing behind her, quite away, under a tree. He was wearing the very intense gaze of his, glaring at Fai with all the feelings he had. His cheeks were red, either by the cold or the anger. The prince didn't move an inch, clearly waiting for an explanation.
Oh boy, Fai thought, right before snapping back at him.
"I was looking for you. And I guess you've seen me rambling around for quite a while, didn't you?"
Her words seemed to have no effect on Kili's nervous gaze. Shrugging her shoulders in a supposedly careless attitude, he shot back.
"Yeah I've noticed. I just didn't think you were so keen to see me, after telling me off like that."
"Oh, I'm sure you didn't hear me calling your name then?" Fai inquired sarcastically.
There it was, the sight of defeat on his face. He was stooping, and his eyes were tormenting Fai. He started walking, more like lumbering towards her. Not wanting to be close to him, she set a couple of step back but all in all it was meaningless. She knew she had to deal with it somehow, she had to find a way out either with a story or a good lie. When he came close, right in front of her actually, looking at him was the hardest thing Fai had ever done that day. He looked genuinely devastated.
"What's wrong?" he asked with a broken voice, trying to find her eyes. "I thought we were getting along. What is this all about?"
Fai felt guilty for messing him up like that, but in the meantime confused at how bad he had gotten with just one harsh snapping. It wasn't their first fight and she couldn't recall another time he was this affected by it.
In that moment if she could have any superpowers, she would've chosen the ability to avoid any questions.
After gathering enough strength, she looked into his eyes and mumbled. Her voice was much weaker than it sounded in her head.
"I'm just having a bad day, alright? It has nothing to do with you."
"Alright, but why am I the one being neglected? Bloody ashes Fai, it's the first time you're looking at me today."
"Maybe what I need is to be left alone."
What followed next completely beat up Fai, not leaving a single way to respond evasively. Without waiting a split second after Fai's recent snap, Kili shot the question right into her face.
"Then why in Gloin's bloody beard that you came looking for me? After kicking me out like I'm a filthy Orc Fai, why did you come after me? You're turning my mind upside down, and I'm hating it. Give me a damn answer, now."
The intensity was floating around in the air, like she could almost reach out and touch it. She didn't like him coming at her like that, the feeling of being trapped was squeezing all her blood in one point and she felt like a biological bomb. With ringing ears she opened her mouth and from that moment, the word flow was out of her control.
"Because I'm so afraid you're going to die that even looking at you right now kills me, you idiot. You, Fili, Bilbo and the others, I'm scared to death that you won't live to see the end of this adventure."
It was the best she could do, and she was surprised that even in the middle of a nervous breakdown, she had somehow managed to keep the important details out. The expression on Kili's face changed dramatically as he opened his mouth, but no words came out. He took a step forward and closed the gap between them, and Fai couldn't find the strength to step back this time. Then he cupped her face with his palms, leaving her in a state where she couldn't dare to breathe.
They were standing way too close.
"Look," he said, fondling her cheekbones with the tips of his calloused thumbs, "Trust me, I know. I'm paralyzed by it all the time, and I was trying to explain this when we were on the Eagle. I'm not even sure if we'll live to see the next day, and it kills me too. I see nightmares where Fili is dead all the time. And Thorin, in his grave, buried with his sword."
Mentioning the imaginary death of his relatives, his grip got slightly tighter. And then he continued, the words leaving his lips in shape of a confession, a very discrete one.
"And I," he whispered huskily, "Lately I've began to see you. Lying on a rock with all of your blood poured out of your body."
Fai wished for her heartbeats to be unnoticed to him, for they definitely weren't so for her. They were so close that even the slightest change in Kili's face was visible. She could see how his eyelashes trembled when he blinked. And she could count her own pulse beating in both of her ears. Even though they were talking about death, and even though she had just kind of lied to him, Fai couldn't help but think about how weirdly romantic that moment was. Or maybe, she was officially insane. She wanted to know what was in his mind, she wanted that so badly.
They were standing there, looking into each others eyes without a single word.
And she could literally die, when the garden door behind them smashed open and an abnormal sized bear bellowed with all the ferocity on Arda.
E/N: Till a new one, take care! Hope you enjoyed the chapter.
R&R if you will.
