A/N: Normally, I was planning on posting this chapter a week after I posted 20th one. But I was intolerably absent an wanted to give you an early present. I must warn you though, this one may contain excessive fluff, depends on how you look at it. Once I started writing, I couldn't stop myself- hope it's not too much. You may find it little instead, or just perfect. For I am the one writing it and I am the one constantly trying to limit myself, it felt much to me. Anyways, enjoy! It's been 21 chapters and they deserve it, don't you think?
Thank you for all the favorites, follows and reviews. I still find it amazing how you people like something that came from my mind! I've been checking my emails on a pathetic frequency from day one; and literally melt over every notification of someone's review, favorite or follow! Some of you even favorited me as an author, dammit, I sweat I can lose my mind by the ends of this story. Every interaction of you mean loads to me, you are the reason I kept believing in this story and continued writing. Thank you everyone, thank you for every single page view.
Alright, after this sentimental burst out; I can give you the summary.
Previously on The Great Perhaps; in which we were about to take our leave. It was the last night at Beorns, so insert many crying effects here because I admired Beorn. I loved everything about him. Fai was finally given the chance to follow the Thorin and Co. . Gandalf was acting strange and weirding everyone out about it. There was also a time where Kili hugged Fai and they both freaked out about it. Those two will be the death of me.
Also the two precious reviews wich were basically cookies to me. Michelle Lacie Kat: Honey, (hope it's okay to call you that cause I really wanna give you a Dwarven hug) you were amazing to me, I swear, my eyes were watered upon reading you quoting Thorin. It can be the most comforting words someone had ever said to me. Also, you're completely right about the inability to write when something bad happens. I was feeling literally paralyzed every time I tried to type a word. Thank you so much for being there, and I hope you enjoy this chapter! Guest: You are half the reason why this chapter is being posted early, so dig right in! :) Thank you!
Chapter 21.
It was finally time for the Company to take their leave, and Beorn's persistence about them staying for a little longer till Fai gets better had lead him in an unpleasant quarrel with Thorin. The King had no patience left and he was fully concentrated on speeding up the packing process. He was also having hard time believing the indolence of his men; given the fact that he'd been grumbling for the last two days about their departure. Despite all of his nagging and strict commands, he was the only one that was fully prepared.
Fai on the other hand, was just as grumpy for not being able to recall another time where she had to drink this much milk and curatives. It felt like an undeclared pact had been made among every member of the company on filling her glass immediately whenever someone sees it empty. Not that it didn't work, though. She was finally feeling a sweet, protective layer coating her battered throat and talking wasn't an activity as torturesome as before.
Kili was the only one who wasn't participating in that pact. After their weird encounter by the woods, him and Fai was in one of their let's-ignore-each-other-for-a-while phases. Yet, both parties couldn't keep their eyes to themselves end ended up sending glances to the other on the sly occasionally.
"Watch out lass!"
It was a total blindside by Bofur, catching Fai in the middle of a peak in Kili's direction. Fortunately, he didn't seem to notice for all he was interested in was giving Fai a nice Dwarven hug. She felt like her bones were crashing under his tight grip, but there was nothing to complain about; Bofur's hugs were like happiness shots that warm you up instantly. Holding her firmly from the shoulders, he slowly pulled himself apart a bit before giving her a huge, festive kiss on the forehead. For a quick second, Fai felt the eyes of a certain Dwarf stealing a quick glance at her with a moped, sulky face.
"I knew ye'd made it child!" Bofur then sang, still oblivious to the scene with his bright, sparkling eyes. Fai couldn't help but giggle.
"Well, I wasn't that sure about it. To be honest, I still don't know how I managed."
The joyous expression on Bofur's face soon got replaced by a rueful one as he let go of Fai and started tugging at one of his braids. The change in him was so radical that the girl didn't even understand what was causing it. Frowning, she looked at Bofur inquisitively as he lit up his pipe despite a very angry Thorin being on the verge of throwing another tantrum about how late they are. The Dwarf took a drag from the wooden pipe, then fanned the smoke away from their faces with his hand.
"Don't mind me dearie," he parried, slightly embarrassed about his reflecting grief. "I just sometimes think that it would have been better for ye to keep away from us. Ye shed've stayed with that Elf lord."
"Well, about that.." Fai responded, lingering on the first three words, "Without me, who would be causing trouble and using up all the Ointment stock?"
The cheering up skills she had picked up from Bofur himself was working nicely so far, as a little smile was started tugging at his lips. With his gaze on her, the Dwarf ruffled Fai's hair fondly and spoke with a fatherly concern.
"Ye just try to stay out of trouble the next time, alrigh'? There's enough of us to split yer share."
"Can't promise!" Fai winked elvishly and left Bofur's side to bid a backbreaking farewell. The hardest part of leaving was to leave Beorn behind, and from the moment she'd learned that her adventure will be moving on, the tears have been sneakily placed behind her eyelids to break through at the first opportunity. The duo had grown fond of each other rather quickly, and their relationship had gotten stronger with each day passed. It was never the plan to stay this long in his home, but Fai was glad that they did. Beorn had been an amazing friend. He was witty, frank and warm-hearted. The way he loved and nurtured his animals and the way he took care of Fai when she was sick; she would never forget a second with him.
As Fai walked towards him, the giant of a man sorrowfully came down to his knees for a proper hug, still, he was twice as taller than she was. She wrapped her arms around him even though her hands didn't meet at the back of his waist, and buried her head to his fury sweater. He was smelling of grass and honey. Good thing her head was hidden, that way her tears could stay hidden as well. She felt their warmness though- how they left her eyes and soaked his clothing.
"I'm going to miss you, you know." Her voice cracked through the end of the sentence.
"I too, dear friend, will miss you deeply."
His heavy hands were resting upon her shoulders, slightly patting for comfort every once in a while.
"It was the most peaceful I'd ever been in a while, so thank you for that. For all your amazing food, the company of your fury friends and for the company of yourself. You've been very kind to me."
"Just as much as you've been to me. You are always welcomed here, but I know what your mind is all set on.."
When Fai felt the tears on her cheeks coming to a drought, she slowly retracted back. She looked above to see Beorn's face, then smiled bravely.
"Promise I'll visit once we're done."
Once we're done.. Her own words sat heavily on her throat like a fist made out of stone. She had no idea how the journey would come to an end. What would happen to them? How many of them would survive? Would she survive? It was the thing she cared about the least actually. The thought of her friends' deaths had been poisoning Fai for a while now, and she was slowly starting to feel like someone else entirely. She was never fully happy, even when Bombur had stole a cake from her plate or Dwalin looked like a baby boy when she made those cookies. She didn't care about her physical death for something inside of her was gone already.
She blamed Tolkien every waking moment. For giving her a world that was seeming wonderful on the papers, yet being something completely different when you're actually living in it. This is supposed to be a child's book, for fuck's sake she revolted in her head for the hundredth time. How can a children's book be this sorrowful? She could hear Fili and Kili teasing each other about Mahal knows what, and she knew like the back of her hand where Thorin was. Impatiently waiting outside, pacing, cursing those lazy Dwarrows that just can't be ready. Being around them was no longer fun, it felt like being friends with corpses, corpses that could walk and talk. Fai wished to have never read the end of the book, so that she could be as cheerful as Bombur was.
She was hugging Beorn for the last time when felt another hand on her back.
"A word?"
It was Thorin, who was trying his best to not look around. His Dwarrows were still trying to get ready; trying to eat as much as they could before taking their leave. Fai didn't know what to say than to agree, for their former encounter was not quite a civilized one and basically she did't think she had another choice. She quietly followed Thorin as he walked out the door as quickly as he came in, and when they stood in front of the house, she did her best to not freak out during those endless moments he remained silent.
"Ironically, the only person I intended to leave behind is actually the only one who's ready." he smirked. What was that weird smile doing on Thorin Oakenshield's face? After arguing over Fai with everyone but her; what was making him acknowledge her being all of a sudden?
Regardless of all the thought-storm in her brain, Fai pulled a face reflecting none of her confusion and joked back. "Small stomach."
"It could be helpful for the rest of the journey, I suppose."
Fai just nodded. The girl had completely no clue about what was going on. Why was he talking to her? Her mind was invaded by too many questions for her own good. Anxiously waiting for the King to tell what was on his mind, Fai just stood there like a scarecrow in the middle of a corn field.
"Child." Thorin then said, looking like Fai had never seen him before. Was that affection? Definitely could not be. Then what was that? He had held her in his arms once, in that cave where they had thought the rest of the company was dead, and even being embraced by him was not as weird as the current events.
"I'm going to talk to you one last time about coming with us, if you're still willing to come afterwards, I shall say no further."
Going a few shades paler, Fai nodded again. She didn't want to have another argument with him. It was one thing standing up to him while being blinded by madness, and it was definitely something else when all she wanted was to crawl somewhere and pass out for ages. Her throat was suddenly dry as a piece of sandpaper. What more was there to talk about anyways, they'd talked about almost every rule when she'd rebelled against him earlier that day.
"I must be honest with you. Had I known what I was getting myself into by swearing an oath to protect you, I would have never done such thing the first place. I never thought you'd come this far, never a notion had passed my mind that you would be willing to see the end of this journey. Frankly, when we arrived in Rivendell, I was guessing that it'd be the last we've seen of you."
His was being blatantly honest with her, and she still had no idea about what to say in return. Where did her wits ran into? Well, probably all used up on Kili. In a way though, keeping quite was the safest thing to do. Listen first, the poor girl thought, act later.
"However," Thorin pursued, "You are almost as stubborn as a Dwarven woman, which I couldn't foresee early enough."
Fai timidly smiled, being able to finaly show a sign that she was still alive.
"Well. What I'm trying to say is, as I've also said it earlier, things will change from now on and it is my responsibility to make sure you really know what you are involved in."
"Pretty sure I know the cruciality of the situation by now, Thorin, but you go ahead." Fai said with a sudden rush of confidence. If there was one thing she's certain; it was her knowledge of the Middle-Earth and the journey of reclaiming Erebor. Sure, there wasn't a way to make it clear how much she knew, but carrying such burden for all those time, she couldn't just handle being treated like a naive little girl. As a pleasant surprise, her jitters were slowly dissolving and she was feeling normal again; if not, nonchalant. There was not a single word Thorin could say that could made her more scared than she already was anyways. He had basically said everything back then: how he would leave her behind or how she should be protecting herself and everthing. If he was not suddenly decided on kicking her out, everything was fine and she could bear all of his grumpiness and tantrums.
"Once we take our leave," he reported almost in a professional tone, "You will no longer be facing extra precautions. You'll be just like any other member of the Company; if you hurt yourself in any way and there isn't a chance to save you, you will be left behind. You won't be asked to stand back, nor treated like a child and left waiting in a safer place. Protecting you will be no one's priority. You'll fight like one of us, and you'll die like one of us; if things come to that."
"To clear the air," Fai stated, still preserving her calm tone. "I've never asked for extra protection and I am alright with every word you said, it's nothing you hadn't said before anyways. Sounds fair to me. Just, don't let me get lost, alright? I'm terrible with directions."
The man seemed somewhat puzzled by her sudden aplomb and studied her carefully, as if trying to figure out whether it was an act. Couple of minutes had passed in silence when he eded up inquiring with an honest curiosity.
"Tell me Lady-"
"Fai. I'm one of you now, right?"
"My apologies. Tell me, Fai." he said, uttering her name clumsily. It was weird to hear Thorin speaking her name, she thought it was probably the first time he had ever done such thing.
"Why does your heart so persistently fixed on this journey? This is by no means your fight, we are not old friends, and frankly speaking; you don't have such strength and combat skills that could be of use."
What could Fai say? He was completely right, the Company wasn't in need of her; she was the one needing them. She could be of great use though, if Gandalf wasn't so paranoid about the fate of Arda and she were brave enough to actually change things. Even the inadvertent alterations in the continuum was freaking her out, let alone shifting things by will. She had come this far by not revealing anything, but the circle was tightening day by day, and making an explanation was slowly becoming mandatory.
Better do it now, Fai figured, then to do it when cornered.
"Look," she started, quietly clearing her throat. "I started remembering about my past after a while. I know that I've came from a life where I didn't have a family, not to mention friends. I grew up alone, by myself, taking care of only my needs without having someone else to see after. Not much to remember there is, really. When I came all the way here, I'm sure no one back home took notice. Cause there is simply no one to worry about me. I'm aware of the fact that you and I don't have a bond or anything, but you cared enough to take me with all the same. The Company had become friends of me after a while, each and every one of them. You've seen how they freaked out when they thought I wasn't joining you to see the rest. Honestly speaking, I felt the same way."
Thorin remained silent. He was doing the listening part and he was doing it with such interest, chances are, weighing her words and sincerity.
"Even though I've grown accustomed to a life alone, I've learned that I actually care for friends when I have some. I've became loyal. Of all people, you know the best that I have, Thorin, I endured Goblin torture for you without giving the tiniest bit away. I endangered my own life to save those of your family. And I've done all by heart. I'd do it all over again, you'll see that I will do it just the same the next time great trouble arises. Suppose we don't have to wait too long for that to happen."
Apparently, her words had gotten under his skin somehow. He was too stubborn and prideful to let a fraction of emotions reflect, but Fai could feel the difference in him. He was just standing there all quiet and buried in numerous thoughts and all, but it showed anyways. She wasn't waiting for a respond, to be honest she wasn't even expecting for what she had said to do any impact. After all, there he was, the King under the Mountain. His life was devoted to a legacy, there was possibly no room left for sentimentality.
"Also," she then piped up with a real smile to put a stop to this conversation, "I could be of use! Along with Bilbo's, Smaug is unfamiliar to my smell as well! I could be considered small, and I can be really quick to my feet. Can't hurt to have a back up, right?"
Nodding, Thorin seemed to find it logical enough and after surviving a not so uncomfortable silence, he turned his gaze away.
"If you are really not feeling well enough," he said flatly, without expressing any concern, "We could depart tomorrow. We are too late already, and you'll delay us even more by getting worse on the road. Do not make me leave you under a tree."
With Fai rejecting Thorin's offer, the Company was finally left a few hours before dawn. Among other things, a second farewell session with Beorn had worn Fai out which caused her to ride in the backmost with Bilbo and Oin. Gandalf had been dropping hints about his desertion all night yet, besides Thorin, Fai, Bilbo and Bofur none of the Dwarrows seemed to figure out his intensions. Ori was sensing something weird was about to happen on the other hand, which was leading him to a jittery and nervous mood. He had snapped at Dori a couple of times about some non-issues and seeing this; Nori was keeping his usual as much as annoying larks to himself.
It was still quite the way to go to the entrance of Mirkwood.
"Will we be alright?" Bilbo mumbled in a voice that only Fai could hear. Intentionally, the girl slowed down her pony so Oin would pass them by.
"Of course, my dear Bilbo, of course we will be alright. You're quite the burglar remember? And I'm trying to catch up with you so we can be this invincible team!" she sounded even more heartening than she thought she was capable of.
Bilbo reluctantly smiled but his nerves were taut with anxiety and he was also unhappy about leaving behind all the comfort that Beorn's place was offering. To be honest, the case was same for everyone as his delicious food and rather comfortable beds will be mourned deeply.
"Lass!" Oin called then, with his head turned towards Fai. "Come and drink this, it's been three hours since you last did."
Fai couldn't resist the urge to roll her eyes and rode faster to catch up with the healer. She was sick of liquids, then again, not sicker than she was of her sore throat. It wasn't impossible not to dream of a fine bottle of whiskey while drinking that nasty stuff Oin had given. A glass of melted caramel-coloured, good old whiskey. For the first time in a long long while, Fai got surprised by having finding a thing to miss about the Earth.
They rode for two long hours and as they proceeded, they observed the surroundings gradually changing around them. The soil that was welcoming all kinds of flowers and plants was going barren, and the trees had become this pile of dead twigs and branches attached to long and malicious trunks. The mood of the company was damaged by the depressive atmosphere and Fai didn't wanted to think about how things would be once they enter Mirkwood.
At least the sun was coming up and the sky was brightening with some shades of red and purple. The Company were riding with their heads up now, admiring the everyday miracle that they didn't know when will be seen again. Even Thorin was effected by the view, making him eventually slowing his pony down to savour the moment.
"We may take a quick break," he then said heavy-heartedly and turned towards the Company. "Durin knows when we'll see another sunrise again."
So they hopped from their ponies and started walking around to feel their rusty and numbed legs again. Fai saw Kili slowly bouncing up on down on each leg while chuckling at a thing Fili had said. She wasn't quick enough to look away though, and then their eyes met. Kili's chuckle froze on his lips as he stopped bouncing, and he looked at her back without even blinking.
What the hell was happening?
She hated it when they can't talk and realizing how rarely they had an actual reason to avoid each other, she couldn't help but sulk. Despite her former crush on him which was annoyingly developing to be genuine feelings, Kili also was a good friend to her and it was frustrating not to speaking to each other. And to make matters worse, she was constantly coming up with things worth telling him. Be it a weird shaped cloud or a squirrel on some tree, from a constellation to how Bombur's stomach grumbles every ten minutes; everything was seeming like things best be shared with him.
Fai noticed him wearing his well-known intense gaze as Fili asked him something, shortly afterwards, he broke eye contact.
With their weird glance exchange not escaping his attention, "What's wrong with the two of you again?" was what Fili had asked to his brother. "I thought you'd be like a dog with two tails once hearing that she's coming with us. Instead, you're literally down in the dumps."
Kili was physically tired of this weird war going on between the two of them. He couldn't be around her again, and too bad that she was the one he wanted to talk to the most. Their temporary peace was perfect while it lasted but since they were in a ridiculous phase yet again; the memory of good times did nothing but to torment him. Once knowing how his life changes dramatically when the two are friends, it was now twice the times painful not having her around.
And it was ceasing to make any sense.
They'd held hands before -more than once for that matter- and they'd hugged each other also multiple times. They even shared a bed as he had cursedly blurted out like a bloody imbecile before, but none of those interactions had ended up drawing them away from each other. However, this one did. Maybe she didn't like to be touched by him, was that it? And the most annoying thing was that Kili could still feel how her heart had beat wildly when he was holding her close. Someone's heart could be beating fast out of annoyance, couldn't it? Or anger, yes, it would suit Fai much better. The ghost of her heart's throbbing was settled on his chest, and it wasn't going anywhere no matter what he did. If he had to confess, he even patted his chest repeatedly to make it go away. That being said; his life as he knew it was a total mess.
"I really don't know." he then answered Fili when his eyes finally left Fai's. Stooping like a mirthless little child, he gloomily gave his brother a little summary of the incident. "She told me she's coming with us and I choked up. Then she mocked me and I hugged her; aaaand now we can't talk."
"Would you hate me so terribly if I laugh?" Fili asked with a face got crooked by his repressed chortle.
"Go on, laugh. I don't even care anymore."
But instead, Fili hugged him.
"We'll talk." he said, patting him on the back, "Now is not the time, but we'll talk."
"She hates me, right? There's no other explanation to this. I hug her and she doesn't even talk to me anymore." Kili was whining cavernously with his face buried in Fili's vest.
"I'm not sure hate is the correct word here."
And in fact, the correct word was on the tip of Fili's tongue. Well, he surely knew better than just to blurt it out. He knew that dropping the bomb right before heading into a dangerous forest would do them no good. He knew how they were falling for each other more and more everyday; but the two being the most stubborn and bullheaded people that had ever walked on the face of Middle-Earth, telling them how they felt about each other would be in vain. Fai and Kili, they would only deny it till they ran out of breath and die, also everything would get even weirder with each other if they hadn't reached their limits already. As much as they amused Fili on a daily basis, he was also feeling sorry for his two favorite people and getting often worried about their possible future-relationship at times.
A constant danger was what they had to live with every day and Fai and Kili had both endangered their own lives for the other already, which was only proving Fili's point. He couldn't even guess what would become of them after admitting their hidden feelings. Ceaselessly going after one another at the times when there isn't even a threat, causing trouble when there is none in the first place. There was also the fact of them already turning into this nonfunctional creatures caused by their mind-wrecking feelings for each other, and Fili had no idea what would he do with the two if they ever got united and lost their so little left reasoning.
He got pulled out from his thoughts when Kili decided to whine some more. When did they even stopped hugging?
"Of course, it's hate." his brother almost squeaked with an assured frown. "She hugs you, she hugs Beorn, she hugs Bofur, pretty sure she hugged Dwalin, even! And I'm the only one out of you that's not allowed to go near her again."
"Shut it, bro." Fili alarmed then. His eyes were fixed on the figure slowly walking towards them. "Uncle's coming."
And he couldn't be more thankful to Thorin for showing up on the right time, Kili was becoming inconsolable again and Fili didn't know what more to say to him without actually hinting anything.
"We stopped so you could appreciate the sunrise," Thorin reminded them in a cranky manner, but the crankiness was only out of habit, it wasn't even reaching to his eyes. "Not so you two can bicker in peace."
Since he had learned that Gandalf won't be around to protect them anymore, he was acting differently. His concern was usually shielded by his grumpiness, but worried was the most he'd been. He was worried about their purpose, he was worried about his men, but they could hardly ever bother him like his nephews did. They were mostly happy, adaptable to any place they had stayed and getting along with every member of the Company; and it was making Thorin's heart sink. He was getting paralyzed at times by the thought of what would he say to Dis if something ever happened to her sons. Not only her sons they were, despite his distant stance and discretion the King was seeing those boys as his own. He had raised them as his own, fathered them as is own, loved them as his own and got angry at the times they didn't live up to their potentions, again, as his own.
He commanded them to get back on their ponies as soon as he felt the disturbing thoughts rushing in again.
While every other person among the Company got more excited as they were getting closer to the entrance of Mirkwood, Fai was the one getting grumpier. She didn't like the idea of Gandalf leaving them behind, for he was the only one who knew about her secret. With him leaving, the burden would get much heavier than it already was. And she definitely hadn't realized how much she'd gotten fond of him over time, the thought of him being not around anymore was heartbreaking. Two farewells in one day was too much to bear.
The gate was only half an hour away when Gandalf had stopped riding. The ones knowing about his unfortunate decision sulked, as the ones weren't unaware startied looking at each other questioningly. What was happening and why had they stopped?
The Wizard got down from his horse and his eyes found Fai's. Without a word, she left his pony as well and walked towards him. Man, this is going to be hard.
Gandalf knelt beside her as she hugged him tightly. Leaning towards her ear, he whispered in a voice that no one else could hear.
"You've come quite far, I can tell you this much. But for the rest of your journey, you have to be more discreet. I'm sure you don't need to be told of the darkness lurks within Mirkwood, but let me remind you.. The air will change. The people around you will change even more. I'm afraid that, you may recognize the changes in yourself as well. Be careful, my dear child, and keep quiet."
"You be careful too," Fai answered, still in the arms of the old man. "I know your journey won't be a delightful one. Oh and.. Tell Radagast I said hi!"
Gandalf sighed as Fai impishly winked. Then, the fuss begun.
"What's going on in here?" Bombur inquired with pure panic. "Are you leaving us?"
Looking at him in great disbelief, Gloin grouched. "Traitor!"
"Ye've encouraged us, and now taking yer leave? Unacceptable, Mr. Gandalf, unacceptable!"
"Excuse me, but I knew something was up, see, Dori? I knew it!"
And it went on like that for a while. Took Gandalf a long time to calm the Dwarrows down, also another twenty minutes to win their hearts back. When everyone was finally convinced that the Wizard wasn't a bloody traitor by no means, most of them started crying. Gandalf took his time to say goodbye to each member, and strictly ordered them to send the ponies back once arriving Mirkwood. He also made a little speech about how they shouldn't leave the path no matter what.
Needless to say that the rest of the ride was rather unpleasant.
If Fai hadn't seen the bright golden sun on top of them before, she could've sworn that it was definitely midnight in the forest. They've been walking for a while now, surrounded by abnormally huge trees extending above for endless meters. There was no sky anymore; looking up, all they could see was darkness. Walking was a nice change at first, but soon they started getting weary. It wasn't the physical effort that wore them out, it was the struggle. Sticking to the path was not an easy thing to do, also Fai was getting more and more angry with each stumble. She seemed to forget how to walk, having tripped on literally every root. It was far more than anyone could tolerate.
They were walking in a single file that was a bit different than how they did before. Thorin was on the frontmost with Bofur and they were trying not to go off from the bloody path. Fai couldn't see them from where she walked, the line was maybe a bit too long for their own good. She started stomping in the hopes of not falling again, and tried to breathe regularly. The air was foul and much more heavier than when they had first entered Mirkwood. There was no colours left anymore, only the various tones of gray and a very dark tone of navy green. The more their eyes adjusted to the darkness, the more they despised the whereabouts. They were often hearing some threatening noises; a scuffling coming from here and a sinister grunt there. They were stopping to detect the source at first; but as they'd grown tired of it, ignoring and walking in a faster pace had became the informal rule.
The path wasn't following a reasonable aspect; they were often finding themselves in a tunnel out of a caved tree trunk, or drawing circles around the same trees instead of just walking straight as a shortcut. Good thing all fourteen weren't walking as a crowded group, for Fai didn't know if she could handle such chorus of whining all at once. For one thing, she wanted to complain constantly and it wasn't hard to guess how the others were doing.
The company had been walking for hours now, but Fai was feeling like it had been a thousand years. They took two breaks for supper that day, but everyone was in need of getting out of there as soon as possible; so no one whined when Thorin kept the breaks dramatically short.
Still, their first night wasn't as bad as the ones that'll follow, though there wasn't a way to tell if it was really nighttime. Even so, the air was still tolerable enough, and they had managed to find someplace to lie down without going out their way. They took turns to keep watch, and nobody was in favor of sleeping for more than three hours so they went back to their boring march rather quickly.
Fai lost the track of days after some point. It was dark anyhow, and there was no use in knowing the date. That trip would reach to eternity, that was how she felt. Yet, there were different theories about the time. According to Bofur it had been at least a week, but Nori was almost certain that it's been only five days.
It didn't matter to Fai, she didn't care. She was racing Thorin on the subject of ill-temperedness. There wasn't a single thing to love about the forest and she was spending her time cursing on even the smallest leaf around.
Was it normal to hate something this much?
Oh, and then there was the paranoia. Fai was doubting her every single thought at first, not knowing if they were natural ones or caused by some dark spell surrounding that damn forest. She was very frequently having a sinking feeling of being followed by someone, and feeling like Middle-Earth's biggest idiot when remembering they were moving in a file and being followed was actually what was supposed to happen. The poor girl wasn't in peace with her mind before with all the nightmares and all, but the forest-effect was definitely making things threefolds worse.
The air wasn't lively anymore, it was like this damp and mouldy blanket draped on them. It was smelling of a mixture of cabbage and cauliflower that's been boiling for days. Fai often took quick breaks to squeeze her eyes shut and calm down, not that it was useful in any way. With the effect of constant suffocation, she leaned onto the first tree she'd found. Getting dizzy from all the deep breaths she took had surprised her, for there wasn't enough oxygen to make her head spin. Maybe it was the lack of it, maybe she was really suffocating.
She was going to die in that bloody forest!
"Calm your shit you dimwit!" Fai mumbled to herself, "Not the perfect time to have a panic attack."
This wasn't her voice, was it? She would never sound like that, it was like this stranger talking instead of her. The thought was so persuasive that she opened her eyes in panic, trying to figure out who was this woman talking to her, almost expecting to see someone. Of course there was no one but her. Fai made a sound again, just to be sure, and it definitely didn't sound like her voice no matter what. The next minute, she was enslaved by the lovely thought of having trapped in her own body. Her heart was caged under her ribs, and her skin definitely was getting tighter each second. There wasn't a single sound besides her bumping heart, and her pulse was hurtfully visible on her wrists.
Fai felt the cold sweat covering her skin in a thin layer and not wanting to see her shaking hands anymore, she desperately closed her eyes.
This wasn't a new experience to her. She'd been living with it for years now but never having been in a place like this before; her attacks were never been this monstrous. It was fine with the help of some medications for a while back on Earth, but feeling like a poor replica of herself, she'd dropped it after some time. He nightmares had won the most freakiness award anyway, being more terrified was out of the table. Also, not sleeping anymore was the simple solution most of the time.
The word panic comes from the ancient Greek myth of Pan, with half of his body being a beast, while the other a man. Ironically; he had a scream so terrifying that freaked the hell out of travellers, or herds of goats and sheep who'd stumbled upon him in a forest. Needless to say that they all died a terrible dead. With another soggy breath of foul air, Fai shook his head, trembling more than ever.
"HEY!"
She didn't even resist Kili when he took her in his arms. His timing couldn't be better.
"It's okay." he whispered and sat under the tree Fai'd been leaning to. He pulled her down to his embrace and rocked her back and forth slowly while stroking her back. "It's alright, calm down. You're with me, and you're safe."
With her eyes still closed, Fai heard the bells of paranoia again. Was it really Kili anyways, it could easily be someone else. It could be another game of her mind or this stupid, stupid forest. She pulled back to look who was holding her tightly.
"Are you really you?" she asked and instantly got embarrassed of her illogical question. It had sounded more sane in her head.
"Of course, it's me." Kil reassured and looked into her eyes, trying to convince her somehow that he was real.
Oh, it was him, it was Kili for sure. Not a single spell on this place could imitate this worried state of him. His intense gaze was right in place with furrowed brows and burning eyes. She let go and buried back her face to his neck, breathing his comforting smell instead of the decayed air for a nice change. She also thought that his smell wasn't imitable either, how the hell could he manage to still smell of lavenders and something else really nice that she just couldn't name? She could've sworn at times that he was using an after-shave lotion coming from Earth.
"Explain me what's making you like this so I can help." he whispered in her ear and Fai shivered, as if the attack wasn't enough. She raised her head to find his face like only ten centimeters away.
"I can't breathe," she started, and putting it into words made her breath go even shorter. "And my heart beats so fast and I can hear and see my pulse all the time and I'm shaking and my voice does not belong to me and-"
It was like a flood, those words pouring down from her lips. She got interrupted when Kili took control and placed his hand on her heart.
"Don't look away," he commanded and locked eyes with her. "Everything is fine, say it with me, alright, you're going to be alright?"
"Everything is fine and I'm gonna be alright."
"You can breathe just fine. The air isn't perfect, but it's still good enough for us all."
She repeated right after. He wasn't even blinking and his hand was still on her heart. It began to feel like he had a magical control over how it beats.
"You're not trapped at all. You are in a huge, huge forest."
She took a deep breath and admitting that she wasn't trapped anywhere made her feel a bit better. She wasn't trapped. That forest was bloody big.
"We know how to get out of this place. We're not lost, and you're not trapped."
"I'm not lost, and I'm not trapped."
He encouragingly smiled, and Fai smiled in return when feeling her breath getting under control again. How the hell did he know the exact words to say?
"Think about water, I don't know, but it always soothes me somehow." he said, then realizing where his hand was still standing even after her heart stopped throbbing, his cheeks rapidly blushed.
She wasn't fully aware of the situation till he blushed, and her heart started throbbing again almost instantly. His face was too close for Fai to handle, his scent was everywhere, and every part of her body was touching some part of his. She was leaned flush against him, sitting sideways between his legs with her legs lying over his knee. It was the closest they'd ever gotten. Even sharing a cloak, they had done a good job at not making any physical contact.
Yet there they were in a damn corner of Mirkwood, sitting all snuggled up after spending some weird days apart from each other again. There wasn't a midpoint between them, they were either throwing themselves in each others arms, or not speaking a single word for days on end. It was ridiculous really, constantly trying to survive their friendship on two different poles of the scale of human interaction.
"Maybe we should get going." Fai suggested without showing a sign of will.
"Maybe we should." Kili nodded, but he didn't even move a single muscle.
After staying like that for a while with their eyes locked, Fai's head took her place on his neck again and she secretly smiled when Kili pulled her even closer. Her face was no longer in her control so she blushed like an idiot again.
"Bilbo was on the backmost." Kili murmured. "We'll follow after, once he passes."
This does not mean anything Fai was assuring herself in the meantime, I was out of my mind and he calmed me down, because he's nice. Maybe I'm still having an attack, hence all the blood rush in me. Dude, drop the fangirl attitude right away and get a hold on yourself!
She was lying like a Goblin to herself and worst of all, a part of her knew it damn well. This was dangerous. This was even more dangerous than the journey itself. What she was hoping for anyways, he was to be a Prince as Thorin so harshly reminded and also, he'd soon be head over heels in love with Tauriel. Tauriel.. She'd actually never considered the possibility of her showing up before. She wasn't in the book but she was definitely in the movies; being painfully beautiful and strong and stuff.. Thinking about how movieverse Kili lost her shit upon seeing her, Fai desperately sulked.
It was one problem coming after another without a single one of them being solved.
The forest being dark enough and wearing some darker clothes even, Oin and Gloin didn't notice them as they paraded with some heavy grumbling after a while. Kili chuckled at Gloin's curses but Fai was too lost in her head to take notice. Her mind was invaded by spiders, frightening yet unbearably sexy Elvenkings* and annoyingly perfect Elven girls that soon Kili would be got stuck on. Her mind was also wandering on the possibility of Kili taking and arrow to the knee, or all of them getting killed by spiders with no one coming to their rescue.
It all came to a mandatory stop when Kili brought his hand to her face and started stroking her cheek so softly. He'd clearly must've thought that she fell asleep. She was thorn in between running away like a mad person or sinking her head to his neck even deeper but with both options being equally irrational, she just stood there trying to find something to think about, anything but him, really.
Think about all the Wargs you had killed, she begged, think of that ugly Goblin King now, how about that? Think about your first kill. Think about the head of that Dunlending. Think about all the scars you had. Think about Thundergiants and how you freaked out over thinking that Kili was-
No, NO- Don't think about that! What's wrong with you?
Too late. Think about how he crashed you into a hug after coming back to the cave-
"WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP?!"
Accidentally uttering the wrongest words out loud, she caused them both to jump out of their skin with her sudden scream. If there was a numerator embedded in Fai's brain, it would break down from all the curses she was mentally throwing at herself. The device couldn't do its job and count. It would blow up.
"I'm- I'm sorry-" Kili stuttered while having the most ridiculous facial expression on his face. He instantly retrieved his hand and froze up like an ice sculpture, not knowing how not to touch her when sitting that close.
"No, no- I was not- it was not- It was a nightmare Kili, I wasn't talking to you."
"Well, you freaked the Durin's blood out of me woman!" he remarked, and there was a somewhat relieved yet still nervous smile on his lips.
Fai didn't know what to do but smile back all tensed up, and -thank God if there is one, thank Mahal, thank Eru Ilúvatar and all the Gods in Game of Thrones- she heard Bilbo's shaky whistle and footsteps. Just in time.
Having heard the same thing, Kili immediately shut his mouth and they sneakily waited till he passed by. When the Hobbit walked enough not to be freaked out by their sudden presence, the pair stood up and started walking in that awkward distance between them again. Same distance that followed the times of them getting too close to one another for their own sake.
E/N:
"*" being my little kinky comment squeezed in between about Thranduil, well, ladies and gentlemen, I had to and none of you one can blame me!
Well, this was my favorite chapter to write so far. Can't wait for your reactions! *insertsomecasualfreakingouthere*
