A/N: Hey hey, my my! It's been a tormenting heat wave in where I live, and my laptop was no different than a stove. Hope you appreciate what I went through while writing this. :P Juust jokin' it was my pleasure.

biddle29: I'm feeling much better, thank you very much! whiteredebony: glad to see your review, you've been missed! :3 I tried to reflect Fai's knowledge better on this one, hope you like it. And oh, a mistake about that Smaug thing, thank you for the warning! Haru: I know, right? I wish I could write more fluff though, it was really fun. Lady Silverfrost: Thranduil will be a thrill to write! ElysiumPhoenix: Here's the next update, it makes me really happy that someone can not wait to read my story! :3

Also, Sybele, twitches456, .night, jacisnaps, Winter Elvish Rose, ElysiumPhoenix, welcome to the stooory!

summary: not much happened in the last one except for much needed fluff. :) we are in Mirkwood and things are getting bad.

Dig right in dears!

OH BY THE WAY: Here's some drawings I made of Fai! tinyurl com (slash) lkx4cj6 aaaand tinyurl com (slash) l23ypge


Chapter 22

Finally out of the woods.

Fai couldn't believe how quickly the days had finally come to an end, but considering all the frustration and constant lack of oxygen it felt like thousands of years at the same time. Once she was out in the clearing, the only emergency was to breathe. So she breathed, with eyes and mind closed to nothing but the fresh breeze that filled her chest up. No matter how deeply she exhaled it was still not enough. Her lungs were clinging on to every molecule of clean air for dear life, and soon, she was high on heavy breathing.

Her head was spinning.

So she lied onto the green grass with her eyes yet to be opened, and enjoyed the warm sun beams redeeming her pale skin. Oh, the sun.. It had been far too long since she last felt the sweet burn of sunlight on her face. Her body was loosened up with every cell she had drinking the warmth out of the light. It was even better than she'd imagined how it would be- back in Mirkwood. Her faith was getting weaker and weaker with the passing of time, and Fai was starting to think that she would never get out of there and would never, ever see the sun again.

After a long time, her face was crowned with a smile.

Gentle splashing of a river nearby was dancing in her ears. If there was something to make everything even better; it was the thought of a nice bath. Opening her eyes in excitement, Fai looked around. It was all green grass as far as the eye could reach, all green grass and nothing more. Not even a tree nor a mountain at her sight. Not a single bird in the blue sky, in fact, not even a cloud.

Not a single Dwarf.

It seemed like the broken pieces of a long forgotten memory. Thinking about the Dwarrows was like a song she used to know the lyrics to. Her mind was all over the place, and there was no way to categorize what, or how much she new. How many Dwarrows were they? Were they Fai's friends? Her memories was unresponsive to the questions. Something was weird but she couldn't care less. It was like that one time she had an operation back on Earth and felt dizzy for days because of anesthesia. It was a state of blissful oblivion, and Fai really wasn't willing to get out of it.

A part of her was annoyed though, a usual conflict within; a prerequisite of her very being. So she got up on her feet in the final levels of involuntariness, and looked around once more; this time with more purpose. The endless fields of green was making everything harder, without a difference in the landscape every direction looked the same. Everywhere could be the north as well as west, and Fai didn't have a single idea about finding directions according to the sun. The sun was right at the top for that matter, at least giving a little clue about how it might be midday.

Going towards the source of ripples seemed like the only reasonable option, so walk Fai did. Describe reasonable, she then said to herself, searching for something while you basically can see everything, now, is that your idea of reasonable really?

And she couldn't be more right. If there were a river, she would be seeing it already because from where she stood to eternity; everthing was pretty much visible.

But she walked all the same. Looking around in vain, trying to resurface the missing parts of the story in her brain and with the struggle of remembering all the names of each Dwarrow, she kept walking. On the contrary of the former joy it caused, the sun was beginning to annoy her. Heat wasn't going well with thinking and the more she walked, the more she needed to find that river.

Despite all the space, she was starting to feel claustrophobic again. She had never thought that emptiness could lead to the same panic that narrow and stuffed places does. Trying to keep her breathing in line, she repeated the kind of things that one of the Dwarrows once said to calm her down. She could remember where the memory took place but the face of the Dwarf in her recollection was completely blank, which was kind of scary.

"I'm not trapped here." she mumbled, her voice nothing more than a desperate wobble. "And I can breathe just fine."

She got better and she got worse. She toddled around for Mahal knows how long and when the river had finally decided to appear, she was on the verge of a total breakdown. There, the river was right in front of Fai. There was no way explaining how it came out of thin air in such short notice. Did she fell asleep at some point, or did it really happen in the blink of an eye?

At that moment, questionary was unfounded.

Of course, the river was just as weird as everything else in that place. Fai hadn't seen much rivers in her life to be honest, but she'd seen enough to tell that black wasn't the suitable color. For what she knew, water usually reflected the colour of the sky and there was only green and blue around. Keeping a safe distance in between, she got on all fours and leaned forward in the hopes of seeing her reflection on the jet-black water.

There wasn't one.

Despite being black the surface was smooth as newly ironed sheets, and the water was spotlessly clean. Fai could see the sand and little stones of all sorts lying at the bottom, but not the reflection of her face. Would it be wise to dip a fingertip? Just a little maybe, to see what's going to happen? In a ridiculous semi-coma of curiosity, she slowly brought her hand above the surface, testing her courage by lowering her pinky finger inch by inch.

Only an inch was left between her finger and the baleful mass of water when she heard the noise. Though, anyone would be wrong to call that scream just a noise. It was a short bellow that took her by surprise, a short, painful moan coming out from too many men at the same time. Yet, it could be so easily mistaken for a single man's wail.

Fai wondered who had cried in such unison and she turned around at rare bat to see.

After the first wave of shock kicked her right in the stomach, she wished for everything to turn back into what they were before; an endless gaze of green and blue. She wished for it with all her might. It wasn't only sky and the grass anymore, they had a bright, brutal companion. Crimson red, it was all there is.

The blood that once rushed in the veins of thirteen brave Dwarrows had turned into a thick, soggy fluid dripping down the grass. All thirteen had dropped dead on both sides of the river, cursedly lined up on the shoreline.

Fai bawled so hard and sorrowful that if someone were to pass by and overhear, he would sink into the ground right then and there to sob. Her lament grew louder and bitter as she remembered every one of their names. Her throat teared and her screams cracked as everything flashed before her eyes. The arrival, the journey and the how much she'd grown fond of them over time; she remembered everything.

They had came out of Mirkwood with no encounter with the spiders. No guard of the Woodland Realm had came to their rescue, thus none of them had taken prisoner in no circumstances. No barrel riding in the river, nowhere to run nor a help from the Elves they had taken when the Orcs happened to find them. They were out in a clearing, alone and outnumbered. They had fought till their last breath before meeting their eventual death.

Everyone of them fought, even the little Hobbit lying on top of one of the Dwarrows.

And Fai was to blame.

She was the one to help them out of the woods. She was the one to keep Dwalin focused so he wouldn't lost track of the path. She was the one to keep him calm, remotely happy and confident, so they could remain on the path and meet their horrible death.

She wasn't in control of her body anymore, and was crying like a wounded animal. Without the power to bring herself to look away from their corpses she thought her eyes would bleed. They had stabbed with Orc-made blades dozens of time and Kili and Fili were lying right next to each other and Ori was holding Dwalin's hammer and Dori was right on top of him and-


Fai woke up.

Rather woken up by the lack of air caused by the hand covering her mouth. She opened her eyes to the familiar, blue twilight, and felt every muscle she had burning under her skin like hot wires. When Fili realized that she was finally up and will not scream any longer, he slowly recovered his hand from her mouth.

She was panting and her face was washed up with tears, some of them already had dried and some are still streaming down with lots of new ones to come. Being tensed up like that had brought the old wounds from the Goblintown back from the fade, Fai was feeling every limb she had aching in the joints.

"Shh.. It's over now, alright? It was nothing but a dream."

With her back leaning on Fili's chest, Fai tried to move but her muscles did not obey. She heard his voice mumbling saying it was alright over and over again, but honestly, it didn't mean a thing. Half of her mind was still roaming in the nightmare and reality was still a distant concept. She didn't resist when Bofur tried to make her drink some water, but she didn't respond to any of their questions.

Most of the Dwarrows were still asleep but apparently she managed to woke some up, and there was no way avoiding their worried sick eyes. It became to feel more and more embarrassing as she collected herself and wanted to tell them all to go back to sleep. She wanted to say that it was alright make them all leave her alone. However, words are determined to remain within. She was still haunted with the flashing images of them dead, and apparently they were here to stay. The pictures were scraped on the insides of her eyelids and seared on her pupils, making it impossible to stop revisiting the dream time and time again.

Fili was constantly stroking Fai's hair and pulling her closer to his chest, while all she wanted was to be left alone. She wanted to get lost in that fucking forest and quit being a danger to them any longer. With the strength coming from self directed anger, she shook her shoulders and tried to get out of Fili's grip. He got the signal very easily and let her out of his arms. But no one was leaving her sight and Fili had already took his place in front of her, among a deeply shaken Kili, a perturbed Bofur and a very mournful Ori.

"You can go to sleep-" she started, her voice was still cracked as if she'd been screaming for hours in real life too. Cleaning her throat with some little, yet equally painful coughs, she pursued. "I am alright, Ori, I promise."

But they didn't go. Instead, they made themselves comfortable on the ground next to her. Bofur lit up his pipe, Ori started doodling and Fili tried to pull Kili into a casual conversation.

"We know ye won't go to sleep, so might as well do it together." Bofur said. He even offered her his pipe that Fai'd been banned for days of her sore throat. She got it in gratitude, and took a big, relieving drag.

Something was definitely off.

Seeing nightmares wasn't offshore among the Company, in fact one of them were definitely suffering from it in every other sleeping break. The victim was usually Ori and Bifur, but Gloin had a terrible one that one time, and she heard Balin talking about his bad dream while they were walking that evening. They knew how to deal with it, and the Dwarrows never prolonged the reaction once the dreamer had waken up.

Yet, this time was different. Fili wasn't no where near successful in his attempt of casually chatting with his brother, for Kili was too busy nailing his eyes on Fai like he had seen a ghost. She had no idea what Ori was drawing, but she was a hundred percent sure that his hand was shaking. It was unbearable. It was the most uncomfortable she'd ever been since the beginning of this adventure. Close your eyes? Not an option. Fell back into sleep? Not one either. Watch Kili sitting there all on pins and needles, definitely should not be an option, and somebody should really put an end to it.

It took Fai some time to keep her eyes close long enough to trick them into thinking that she was fast asleep. At first it was really hard because the nightmare was striking her as soon as she closed her eyes, then it got harder because every time she did, Kili was starting to talk about her.

"Her eyes.." he mumbled, hugely mistaken about his voice being quite enough. "They were vapid, Fili, her eyes were looking like ash. She's never like that."

Why thank you very much, Fai grumbled and fought herself to keep up with her pretend-sleep. It was really hard not to retort, and she deserved a medal.

But she did it, and at some point she heard the noises they made while going back to their bedrolls. She waited a little longer for good measure, then her eyes fluttered open to a supposedly solitude.

That damn Dwarf was sitting right in front of her, not one bit lost from his apprehensive gaze. He was all quiet and still. In contrast to Fai's dream Kili was alive, but might as well be dead because his looks could make a zombie jealous.

"What the-" she hissed in fury. "You look like a bloody boggart! Why didn't go back to sleep?"

"What do you think you look like? Your hair is almost white in this lack of light and there are livid circles under your eyes!"

Even though she managed to find a smart comeback, it had left unanswered. Kili had another things in his minds and apparently, he had no time to lose on bickering, which was once in a blue moon experience. He just looked her in the eye end asked what was bugging him. "Why did you say you're sorry over and over again?"

Oh, Fai definitely didn't like it. Why the hell did she take so little time to open her eyes anyways? There, she was up and ready to be interrogated by Kili right away. She was experienced enough to know that nothing good can come of it. He will be throwing a tantrum in the very least, or will not be acknowledging her very being for days. So, she did what she always does. Denied. "Now what do you mean?"

But Kili was more determined than ever. "While you were asleep," he shot back immediately, not wanting to let that slide over.

"I usually don't remember what I said when asleep." Fai snapped, and she was honest with this one. She had no idea what could she possibly have said, and the very idea was enough to break her into cold sweat. The nightmare was still vivid before her eyes, and on account of all the horridness she could've said too much.

In the meantime, Kili was loosing his patience with her, that she could tell.

"You screamed Fai. You cried. You cried a lot. You kept saying that it was all your fault. You were apologizing in between screams till Fili covered your mouth. There's no way you don't remember a dream like that."

Now she was the one starting to lack patience. Who was he to give her hard time after such horrendous dream? Who did he think he was anyway, to wait until she wakes up just so he could satisfy his curiosity? As if thinking about his death was not enough, she had actualy seen it and right now definitely wasn't the time to take someone's shit.

"Why do you care?" she said, whispering as sharp as she could. "Why aren't you in your bedroll already? I don't need anyone's sympathy Kili, it's not like I'm four and need to sleep between mom and dad."

Oh, it would appear that she managed to push a button there. The Dwarf's face shadowed with fury, and when he answered his whisper was just as edgy.

"Oh get over yourself," he hissed, "Haven't you still figured out that it's my time to keep watch?"

Shit. Great, now she was humiliated. Getting into a fight with him was nearly as distasteful as the nightmare, but she couldn't help it. She wanted to punish him somehow, for making her act all stupid with just a touch, for making her heart ache when he smiled. Kili was making her feel things that could end up destroying her. She wanted to get rid of that feelings. She wanted to hate him so much that she could just walk away when he's dead. When he's dead. What was the dampness in her cheeks? Oh no- oh god no- fu-

"No no no no, please don't do- no- I'm such an idiot Fai, I really didn't mean it like that-"

She was crying and he had noticed. And on top of all, he was thinking that she was crying because of him. Well, it was true on some levels, but she definitely wasn't crying over what he said. Was there a way to die instantly at that moment? Was there a way for the ground to rip apart till magma, and suck her right in before closing back up eternally? Would she slip into comatose and never wake up again if she bumped her head against a rock? That idiot of a Dwarf was thinking that he made her cry, and he had ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHATSOEVER.

Almost scratching the tears away from her face, Fai looked at him in great rage. She was furious beyond her will, and actually it wasn't bothering her. Anger was so much better than other stupid- vulnerable feelings she had towards him. Anger was what she really needed to survive this journey. She could use that, being angry was so much easier than being in- whatever.

"Oh get over yourself," she remarked sarcastically. "It's only the nightmare kicking again, nothing I can't handle. I'm frustrated, DEFINITELY not hurt."

Kili felt dumber than a bag of rocks for letting his guard down like that. Just like that, slipping down so easily like it was fucking made out of butter. Of course, Fai had every right to retort like that, how could she not when he never ceased to act like a huge pile of foolishness? For a moment there, he actually thought that she cared. She cared enough to get upset over his hot-tempered respond but no, the case couldn't be more different.

Why on Gloin's beard would she care anyway? Just because he had managed to do the right thing for once and calmed her down lately, that wasn't enough to make them instant-best friends. Apparently, he was too eager to make sense out of things. Also, who the hell did she think she was to shut him down every time he showed affection? Every bloody time he wanted to take care of Fai, she was just freaking out on him. Why was he so desperately trying to be her friend anyway, why was he busting his ass over this seemingly one-sided friendship? Fai had made it clear more than once that to be left alone was all she needed. She had made it clear that she wanted no questions, and he should've taken the hint way sooner.

He was ready to punch himself.

He tried not to care about how wrecked she looked. He tried not to care about her silver eyes lacking every emotion but anger, and he tried not to care about her hip long golden hair wildly sprawled all around her face. Swallowing any sign of emotion, Kili just looked at her for one last time and deadpanned.

"A nightmare is a nightmare and it was yours alone. Sorry to question, wasn't my place. I'm going back to my thing now, without any distractions."

Kili's voice was flat as a wall and as soon as he finished with words, he turned around.

Well, at least it was shorter than expected. Trying to convince herself that it was what she wanted, Fai turned her back as well. Yes, it was what she wanted, but what about that sorrowful weight on her throat? Now is not the time for sentiments, you wuss. She bit her lower lip. Enjoy your rage while it lasts.

Needless to say that, the next morning they walked with great distance in between. It was rather easy for Fai for she had another reason to keep away. Dwalin. By all means, she didn't wanna see him. She didn't wanted to give him any ideas about path-finding, she didn't wanted to make them change the direction in any way. From what she'd seen in her nightmare, they had to get lost.

However, thinking where the path leads wasn't helpful at all. Walking towards giant spiders on purpose, she was starting to freak out more and more each day. She hated them in the movies. She hated their voices and she hated how fast they moved. John Ronald Reuel Tolkien. What a great writer, right? Giant spiders, wow. On a scale of one to WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, it's the perfect idea ever.. Thanks old man, really, thank you oh so much!

She had to kill a tiny spider back on her old room every once in a while, and she hated it every time. Even the friendly bees of Beorn was enough to give her the chills, and she was to fight GIGANTIC SPIDERS? Again, just to make it clear, she had to put a blade through a spider that was a bazillionth times bigger than a normal spider? Monstrous spiders that could make Aragog jealous, dammit.

Fai squeezed her eyes shot for a moment, then gulped. She had to sort her memories of the book out. She also had to work on her perception. She knew about the spiders from the beginning of the books, but yet, it was only kicking in right before she had to do something about it. Before then, they were still like words on the book Hobbit to her. It was dangerous. She had to prepare herself, she had to slap the truth on her face to make it alive this journey. She needed to remember things way before they happen, and when the time comes she needed to be ready.

Spiders are real, and you are going to have to deal with them.

That dragon you were so eager to deal with, is also real. A dragon. Real. He is not like Drogon, Rhaegal or Viserion in Game of Thrones, and he definitely is not like Norbert from Harry Potter. She was also sure that he was nothing like Toothless from How To Train Your Dragon. He was a living, fire breathing dragon who just happen to talk too much and fancied himself some Dwarven flesh.

Thinking about all kinds of nonsense for a while, she thanked the forces throwing her into this world and not Hunger Games, but she also felt a bit bummed out that she didn't get to play some Quidditch. You are where you are now, she said, and realization punched her once more. She'd been living with the Dwarrows for a long while now. She'd seen them in flesh, she'd shared a pipe with Bilbo and she also had become friends with Gandalf the Grey.

It was beyond ridiculous. She was in Middle-Earth, which happened to be at least thrice more dangerous when you're living in it instead of reading. And last night, she had gotten into a huge fight with a Dwarf she once was drooling over. In fact, she'd also snuggled up with him at some point, but that wasn't the real issue at the moment.

Suddenly feeling like a newcomer again, she began walking in awe. She was so concentrated on hating it that she didn't come to realize she was actually in Mirkwood. She was walking in Mirkwood, she was walking with the Dwarrows. It was like an epiphany. How didn't she realize it sooner that Bilbo was acting like a total weirdo? His hand was hardly leaving his left pocket, and he'd been real jittery lately. Beorn's place must be comfortable enough to not seek some ring's comfort, but in Mirkwood he definitely wasn't feeling safe. He was keeping the ring in his pocket. The ring that will cause great trouble to everyone, some of it to Gloin's child actually, who was in his sixties at that moment. GIMLI EXISTS NOW, Fai freaked out. And he is yet to live the adventure of his life.

She wondered what would happen if she'd just stole the ring from Bilbo and give it to Gandalf. Man, it would be trouble on a whole another level.

Bilbo was on the list of people she shouldn't disturb for he was going to be the one to save them from the spider webs. Yay, there will be webs, and she will be wrapped up in one. Oh, it would definitely be a nice panic attack to have, she just couldn't wait.

Ah, Mirkwood.

As if everything was a setup to figure out how more Fai's nerves can be wretched.

Remembering that she was by no means in a fairytale, she stopped fangirling and went back to her usual annoyed self. The forest was once again just as disturbing as it was five minutes ago. As she dragged her feet through sick trees and rotten bushes, a familiar voice approached her out of nowhere.

"So," he piped up while dropping an arm over her shoulder. "I wanted you to be my sister for a reason you know, I already have one Kili, and Mahal forbids have a second one!"

"Me and your brother are nothing like each other Fili, if that's what you imply." she said dryly. She had no limits to her grumpiness after that nightmare, and it wasn't certain but she was almost sure that they'd been keeping away from her on purpose. Fili was the one to break this untold rule, and he immediately had his share of her attitude.

"Then I shouldn't mention that he had responded this question exactly the same earlier in the morning."

Shit.

"You don't need to make mention of him at all."

"As you wish, love." Glad that he was willing to drop. Or was he? "I worry about you, you know. We all do."

"You shouldn't be. My agreement with Thorin strictly says that none of you should be paying me extra attention." she remarked, and jumped on a root. She was good at walking in the forest now, at least some problems were our of her plate. Before Fili could respond, she released herself from under of his arm.

"You said it yourself, it's your agreement. On the other hand, my oath says that I should worry as much as I please. You saved what's most precious to me Fai, and my sword is still yours, even at the times you don't want it."

He sounded hurt, and Fai hated to be the cause. Fili had been the kindest to her without any smothering so far, he was always there when she was down, and he did everything without asking questions. It meant a much to Fai, yet, she shouldn't allow herself to get closer to him anymore. Not after that nightmare, not after she knew the bitter end. She shouldn't have loved him this much to begin with, but what's done was done and she had to take precautions, even if it was quite late already.

So she sucked it up and kept with her spiritless talking. "So good thing that your sword is not needed at the moment, Fili. It was just a nightmare, which doesn't involve fighting at all."

"What about my feelings then, Fai? Are those also unnecessary?" he asked. It was literally killing Fai to sound that heartless, but she had to. Trying to avoid his persistent gaze, she begged Mahal to be left alone. Would he listen to the prayers of a tiny little human, the girl wondered.

Apparently not.

Fili was still trying his best and Fai couldn't bring herself to say the words harsh enough to make him go away. So she kept silent as he walked beside her, and after a while he was the one to talk again.

"You can't just cry out in your sleep and expect me to not feel worried about you. I've been worried sick for a while now, don't you remember how I found you there at Beorn's? Crying under a tree with your fingernails sunk into the hollows of your collar bones. You were bleeding, Fai, and crying senselessly."

Seemed like there was a time limit for everything, and they'd came to an end of their no-questions-asked deal. She was starting to have a good idea about where Kili got his ways. There Fili stood; looking like a more civilized version of his brother with all the inquisition.

"I'm alright, Fili." she then had to say eventually. "It gets a bit too much at times, that's all. You seriously don't need to worry. You just don't. All I need is some solitude and it's the only thing I just can't have in this ridiculously big jungle!"

Through the end of the sentence, she sounded more aggressive then she aimed for. Fili's gaze lingered on her for a while, and for a brief moment he looked like he was going to leave. But for whatever reason he stayed by her side this time avoiding eye contact.

"Hear yourself Fai, this is the forest talking."

"Trust me, the forest talks even worse than I do."

He let out a defeated sigh as Fai got buried in her frustration more and more. She kept repeating that the action she'd taken was necessary, but a part of her wondered if Fili was right. The forest hadn't done its job on any of them yet, there was nothing more than regular grumpiness. The Dwarrows were so hungry, and it was one of the worst things a Dwarf can be. Bombur wasn't himself, she heard him mumbling names of food in his sleep a few times. But it wasn't just him, even she was hungry. The supplies Beorn had given was slowly coming to a close, and she had no idea what would they eat once they're finally out of honeycakes and breads. Her mind was often wandering around the feast in Rivendell, and food wasn't the only cause. They didn't seem like easy back then, the days she lived, but reminiscing now after a long time she regretted not enjoying them more. She wished she had sung one more song with Bofur, had one more glass of wine in Rivendell, taken her time to have one more bath instead of stressing over her fate.

It was all in the past, and all she had was slowly breaking relationships with the ones she cherished most.

And an eternal struggle.

"Fine then, Fai. I'll leave now. That doesn't mean you can come to me whenever you need. Will you promise?"

Fai had managed to make Fili give up, and she never thought that such thing was possible. Trying not to sound too eager or too depressed, she just nodded and promised. Good thing he started walking ahead without looking back because at that moment, her face was giving everything away.

But the temporary peace of loneliness burned out pretty quick. She couldn't find peace, not with the regret swarming in her stomach. Her mind was wandering around disturbing thoughts and she had no clue why it felt this bad. Snapping at Kili came naturally, but somehow she couldn't handle being on bad terms with Fili- he was the one who always understood. And before she could get a hold of herself, Fai heard her wobbly voice.

"I'm sorry, alright?"

Damn, what happened to the pushing-everyone-away-plan? It was unbelievable.

But it was all it takes. Fili turned right away with a concerned smile on his face, and waited for her to recover the distance. When she caught up they started walking side by side once again, with his hand brushing hers occasionally.

"Maybe it was the forest, you know."

Fai didn't know where she was going with that conversation when breaking down and telling everything wasn't even near being an option. Biting the inside of her cheek, she slipped her gaze and wished she'd never apologized in the first place. Her plan was good. Heavily faulted, but still, serviceable. However there was something about this Dwarf that Fai just couldn't let go. And then she figured; even though she had resisted a few times in the past just to protect Fili, the feeling was mutual. Fili was really a brother to her, and after struggling with the lack of it for years, family was her biggest weakness. As selfish as it may sound, she couldn't bear the thought of losing such affinity. At the expense of endangering his life, Fai wanted him to be there for her. She wanted to talk to him, to hug him, to cry on his shoulder and so many more cheesy things one could imagine.

Fili's broken smile was replaced with excessive worry but Fai was feeling good already. She was feeling good; because when he stopped her and got a grip on her shoulders, she saw sympathy in his eyes. She felt that as always, he completely understood what she'd been going through, even though it was only possible to a certain extent.

He was standing right in front of her, with his hands gently squeezing her shoulders.

"I'm sorry too, dearest. I shouldn't have pressure you like that. I care deeply about you, but you don't have to carry its burden."

Fai nodded in gratitude. They quietly remained as they were as Fai tried to find a way around sharing her nightmare without revealing much. Choosing the words very carefully, she started talking after a while, in great hesitation

"The thing is, I've seen you dead. All of you. I guess I was showing you the way out of the forest, but I guess I took the wrong exit. Orcs came and killed you all. I was crying by your corpses, hence all the screaming you tried to block.."

To her surprise, she sounded ice-cold. The sole act of thinking was enough to bring tears in her eyes just the night before, but there wasn't tears and shaky voices this time. She'd been thinking about their death for quite a long time now, constantly animating the scene in her head, thinking about every single detail.. She'd been driving herself insane. Verbalizing the dream however, hearing them spoken with her own voice wasn't as painful as expected. It didn't even sound real. In the name of a much needed self-defence, her mind must've clamped that vein and trapped all the emotions and sorrow within. That was really weird and Fai wasn't even feeling any stronger, she just wasn't suffering anymore.

On the other hand, there is a dirty end of the stick; Fai wasn't feeling anything. A part of her heart had stiffened.

Fili wrinkled his nose listening about her frightful death, and gently put his hand under her chin to raise her head.

"You know sweetheart, no need to worry about that. If all of us were to die, then you'll probably die with us, so.."

His reaction was one of a kind for sure, and completely out of the blue that Fai couldn't hold her chuckle in. "Nice one Fili, ground-breaking point of view really."

"It got me what I wanted." Fili remarked, referring to the amused expression on her face. "But. If you're so desperate to see what's behind my smile, I can tell that you are not the only one with haunting thoughts and displeasing dreams."

"Really?"

"I've lost count of how many times you died. Don't even make me started on Kili, I almost see him dead way more than I see him alive."

A sigh left his lips before he started talking again.

"Look, this is our life now, okay? Not being scared would be absurd, but you can't let it paralyze you. We're all here, and we're still alive. None of us are in the mood to celebrate, and I'm pretty sure Bombur thinks that being hungry is worst than being dead, but it is what it is. I'll do my best to protect you guys. And even try harder to protect myself, because I know, in the split second I got in trouble you and Kili will wage a war on who gets to save me."

Normally, she would joke back but even though it didn't work on Fili, her strategy was still valid for his brother. So she let that one slip and acted as if he didn't mention Kili's name.

The two started walking again, and heard innumerable complaints here and there about being tired, hungry and thirsty. On the sunny side, their sacks and bundles were much easier to carry since they had so little supplies left; on the bad side though, the Company was growing insufferable with each day passed. As they got deeper in the Mirkwood the nights got distinguishable from the days. At nighttime, they were surrounded by an intense darkness, so intense that if one of them to wave a hand before the eyes of another, he couldn't be able to tell. So their pace got slower for they were spending nights stuck at some point of the path, and they weren't prepared for such long trip.

Thorin was often waking someone up because of the intense sleeptalking of food, and they began wanting to sleep more and more for it was the only time they get to eat until it comes out of their ears. It wouldn't be right to call what they did in the mornings walking, more precisely they were dragging each other along through the path. The promise of Erebor was what kept them going at first, but it slowly turned into a faint light at the end of an infinite tunnel. There was occasional breakdowns, quarrels starting in the morning and lasting till nighttime, excessive thirstiness and worst of all, the hallucinations.

Oh, it was the worst.

One morning Balin got captured by the delusion of Smaug being inside the forest, and he refused to go any further. He tried to make Bilbo go and steal back the Arkenstone instead, to the point of pushing him forward gruffly from the shoulders. The miserable Hobbit did everything in his power to oppose, but finally he had to go wait behind a tree upon Dwalin's secret request. In forty-five minutes, they were good to go after Thorin's endless wheedles served the purpose. Needless to say that the King didn't talk to any of them for the rest of the day, all he did was to curse to the baloney forest in Khuzdul.

Another hell broke lose when Gloin tried to chew on Bombur's beard. To his defense; they were looking like fresh tomatoes at the moment. Fai tried her best not to burst into laughter at that one, and she made the best choice for it was the first time anyone had seen Bombur this furious. "If there were tomatoes dangling down my neck," he roared senselessly, "Then I'd be the only one to eat them for Durin's sake!"

Still, it was a rather calm afternoon when the Company came to a stop. Fai didn't notice the reason at first, she only saw them standing in the edge of something as a crowded group. Like always, she was walking at the backmost and when she had finally caught up with the Company, she wondered what was the cause.

"What's going on?" she asked Dori, but did not hear from him back. Inbetween Dwarrows she made her way forward and saw a very frustrated Thorin, and a fully concentrated Bilbo quietly discussing something.

They were standing on the edge of a black river.

Her breath went away for a moment, it was the river itself from her very nightmare. Though the nightmare had mixed up the geography a little, for the river was out of Mirkwood back there.

The Stream was wide enough to prevent them from jumping over, not that anyone would give that a try. It was looking even more baleful than the dream-version. Then, it hit her.

It was the Enchanted River.

The river made so that whoever dips a finger in it would fall into a delusional coma. Fai remembered what she'd read from the book, how Bombur nearly drown in it and how he had forgotten everything but the feast in Bilbo's house at Bag End. Over the thought of carrying Bombur for days Fai let out a deep sigh. Was there a way to prevent it, and would it be wise? She had no idea.

Bilbo on the edge was trying to see if there was a boat around and from what Fai had read, there was one. But the afternoon was quickly turning into night, taking away their already limited sight. Her eyes were not good at nighttime, when it's dark the only thing she could see were eyes, and she had a sinking feeling that most of the eyes she'd seen didn't belong to a Hobbit, or any of the Dwarrows for that matter. That was the reason why they rarely set up a campfire. It was a festival of moths and bats when there's light, and unfortunately none of them were regular sized. Bofur had to cover Fai's mouth the first time she saw a palm-sized moth, and Bifur was also not fond of the bats constantly fluttering their wings around his head. So just like that they gave up on fires after a while.

Yet Bilbo, despite the darkness dawning upon, had managed to see the boat.

"It's far away though," he reported in distress "Not so much, but still requires one of us to leave the path. Also, it's on the opposite shore."

"No one leaves the path." Thorin commanded, and squinted to see where Bilbo points. "Not now, not ever."

"What do we do then?" It was Oin who asked, in the meantime he was sticking the ear trumpet literally up to his brains. His ears had gotten worse since they first entered the forest, for he was barely using it anymore in order to avoid the terrifying noises around, well, that, and the quarrels within the Company.

"I say we call it a day." Bofur suggested, his eyes in the shape of a paperthin line to see the path ahead, and Dwalin concurred. "I don't think I can find the way even if we cross the stream laddies."

They heartily agreed even though taking breaks weren't pleasant anymore. They were usually nibbling on some stone-hard breads and force themselves to sleep without much talking. As Bilbo and the Dwarrows moved away from the river to spread their bedrolls, Fai remained by the edge.

Anyone who drank or bathed in the water fell into a deep sleep, and suffered amnesia when they finally awoke, her inner voice reminded. She repeated the sentence over and over again as if it was a mantra. Hypnotized by the black currents, Fai couldn't find the strength to move.

She knew what would happen if she were to fall in. Would she forget everything, or would she forget only to some degree? Another question begged the answer; would she remember again, after a while?

Anyone who drank or bathed in the water fell into a deep sleep...

When was the last time she had a nice, long sleep? When she was two or three, maybe. Apart from the time she had fallen asleep on the couch of Bilbo Baggins, she couldn't recall another time she wasn't dealing with trouble sleeping. She knew the book like the back of her hand, and the lines where Bombur described his dreams after the Enchanted River was crystal clear in her head. He had said that he'd seen the best dreams of her life. Not that she could settle for a dreamless, quiet sleep, though anything that didn't involve nightmares was fine by her.

...and suffered amnesia when they finally awoke.

Amnesia.. The word represented things that Fai had been yearning for. The word offered ignorance, it offered oblivion. She couldn't remember what was it like to not have fear. To not feel depressed, to not be suffocated by her own mind.

The River was calling for her.

Would the Company carry her while she was asleep? It had took four men to carry Bombur in the book, and they were damning his existence constantly. So, could they carry Fai and Bofur at the same time?

Why was she thinking about these stuff?

Fai then realized that she didn't care at all. Her throat was no different than a sandpaper from lack of water, and even though she wasn't a big fan of eating like the Dwarrows, being hungry all the time was consuming her. Lack of food, lack of water, lack of sleep, lack of peace.. It was all too much. If she wanted to throw herself into a river, she would do as she damn please. They could leave her behind for all she cared.

It was like this other person talking in her head, and she was listening obediently. Every time she was about to collect herself and got away from the River, the thoughts of being mentally free was drawing her even closer like she was attached to a hook. Just one drip of that water, and she would be thinking about death no more. A nice dive, and if she was lucky enough, she could even forget about who she was!

Fai's inner voice got louder and louder to the point of becoming a scream in her head. She was on the edge of the river, all it would take was one more step. A step between her and freedom, sweet oblivion, an endless serenity..

And finally, she couldn't resist the urge.

She took that step.


E/N:

woops, cliffhanger! can't wait to hear your thoughts. oh by the way, did you notice that it was a dream, or were you like what the- upon reading the sentence "finally out of the woods."

let me know!