A/N: Well well. Kept you waiting, huh? I know it has been forever, and I know most of you lost faith in this but I know some of you kept coming back to this story. This one's for all of you. A lot have happened in the years since I last updated, and it is safe to say that I'm captivated by a very stubborn depression. But thanks to that, I felt the need to escape to my own world, hence, wrote this chapter. I have missed Fai tremendously.
So where were we? The company was still in Mirkwood (I know, I know) and Fai & Kili were in a VERY deep sleep from the Enchanted River. A very confused Kili did wake up in the last chapter.
Thank you all for encouraging me to come back over the years, reading this even though it was incomplete, shooting me messages for me to keep going. This made me feel good, I hope it does the same to you. Sorry for the apparent rustiness, well, it has been a while. :)
Even though Kili's awakening lifted the weight from Gloin and Bombur's shoulders, it barely helped in Company picking up the pace. Every muscle in the young Dwarf's body was paying the price of not moving for an entire week. They seemed to have a competition of which one of us can get the stiffest. Every movement brought out a groan, but he could walk at least. Waking up for Kili was way harder than the Company would've imagined. The hardest part was the food -or lack thereof; for in his dreams he was served the best and most of everything. Describing the feast would be cruel notably to Bombur, though the poor Dwarf's ears had their fair share of sleep talking while Kili was out.
One would think taking a break from the relentless walking, at least for a week, would be good. Yet, he was deconditioned instead of being well rested. But there was nothing else to do than to keep walking; nothing good could come out of complaining in the presence of poor dwarrows who had to carry his dead weight for days. Well, to Kili's defence, Gloin and Bombur stuffed themselves with most of his and Fai's share of the food while they were out. He was feeling lighter, but Mahal forbid mention this to the carriers who were bot convinced an asleep Dwarf weighs at least a small mountain.
He did his best trying to hide the worrisome looks he was throwing in a certain human's direction. Though the success rate was questionable because he was receiving the same kind of glances from Fili himself. The fair headed prince was not convinced that Kili was alright. The contents of the Enchanted River was unknown to the Dwarrows, and anytime Kili zoned out or lost his footing the damned river was to be blamed. The damage done was not clear. Legend said that whoever drank or bathed in the water fell into a deep sleep, and suffered amnesia when they finally awoke. Fai and Kili had little contact with the water so it would be wrong to claim they bathed. They were having their precious bickering by the shore, and were knocked down by the water escaping from the ankles of their boots. When they tumbled down, fortunately it was in the opposite direction of the river where the ground was rather dry.
It resulted in different opinions amogst the Company. Some of them were questioning the integrity of the legend, whereas others were taking pride in the strong build of a Dwarf. Despite his slimmer frame compared to the elderly, Kili was a Dwarf nevertheless, and his body was not flimsy against the waters of a bloody enchanted river. This theory was deeply disturbing Kili, primarily because Fai was not a Dwarf. She was one of the most fragile beings he had ever seen. She was scrappy and definitely stubborn alright, but her biology was very likely to leave her in the lurch. Her memory was lost in the first place from a bloody fall for Mahal's sake, how would she survive a magical river?
Even though Kili's memory had some insignificant loops here and there, he could be considered alright. Indeed the tiniest motion in his body was torture, but he could do it nonetheless. He could eat properly (to Bombur's dismay), talk fluently again, and think. He would be much happier if Fili stopped looking at him like he was a ticking bomb.
"Stop it brother." he grumbled, failing to ignore the fourteenth glance Fili stole.
"Stop what?" Fili inquired oh so innocently. It would only take an idiot to see through his façade.
Kili rolled his eyes but hesitated to confront his brother, because he himself was the pot calling the kettle black. Taking his eyes off of Fai was gruelling. "If you are wondering," the brunette finally huffed upon a brief pause, "I am alright. In pain without a doubt, but fine."
"Of course you are," Fili started jokingly to lighten up the mood. "You are the chosen Dwarf afterall. The one who could withstand the Enchanted River. The one who is immune to black magic - "
"Ugh -" Kili tried to intervene but Fili could not slow down.
"The one, who inexplicably is still alive despite all the stupid shit he's ever done."
Kili ruffled his hair in exasperation and glared at his brother unamused. "There we go.. Are you done now?"
"Yes," Fili dropped him an overdone curtsey, "I am done your benevolence."
It didn't fail to raise a laugh from Kili, although not very loud.
Fili smirked, giving him a playful punch in the arm. "I missed you, you dumbass."
Trying to recover from the wave of pain that small punch sent through his weak muscles, Kili started laughing genuinely this time. "I missed you too."
Despite the race they were having against time, the disgust and the anger they felt against the freaking forest, they still needed to take breaks. The excitement Kili's awakening caused proved to be short lived as one by one the Company returned to their grumpy moods. Paranoia still reigned, hunger coming a close second.
Two days passed since Kili woke up, yet Fai didn't seem to be following suit. She was lying under one of Mirkwood's gigantic trees, all wrapped up in a cloak and fast asleep. Kili unlatched the flask from his belt and sat cross-legged by her side. Supporting her weight with his arm, Kili lifted her to sitting position. It was annoying how weightless she was despite the limpness. Being underfed seemed to take its toll on her, even though they have been trying to feed her with soup regularly.
He tucked away the stray hair veiling her face, and started studying her face. She seemed pale as paper with the faint light creeping in between thick layers of leaves. Her face devoid of any emotion made it harder to guess what she might be dreaming of. The only proof of her being alive was her chest moving slightly up and down.
Kili sighed.
He was feeling fully responsible for what have happened. If it wasn't for him desperately fighting for a response from her, Fai would be awake. Thinking upon the last memories he had before being knocked down by the river, a troubled look captured his face. It had all started with him catching Fai before stepping into the river. What in bloody hell was that? She damn well knew what the river would do. Why did she want to go under a coma? More importantly, what did she want to forget?
It was a glorious failure they both ended up in the river afterall. It infuriated him so much that he had set out to save her, yet they ended up going down together. That girl seemed impossible to protect, or he was doing a terrible job at it. Why was he even trying so hard? Why in hell he could not stand the sight of her looking barely alive? How would he answer the next time Fili pressures him over the matter?
He shook his head, and looked intensely at the girl in his arms. "Are you even trying?" he mumbled, "Bloody ashes Fai, just - just wake up already. Please.."
Knowing that the last thing she would want after their last argument would be to be in his arms, Kili smiled. Oh, the irony. He gripped the flask with his free hand, and with great care brought it up to her lips. Small drops of water on her lips was enough to notice Fai. She licked her lips while her body shifted in Kili's arms. The Dwarf loosened his grip and let her fidget all she wants, as he kept on making her drink.
The water escaped her lips and trailed down to her neck when Fai decided not to drink any more. Kili stopped in panic and got rid of the flask immediately, if she chocked on top of everything else Kili would walk into Erebor and offer himself to Smaug as dinner. Realising how disastrous everything had been so far, he chuckled to the irony and dried her lips with the cuff of his tunic. Upon contact Fai started mumbling in her sleep, to no one's surprise it was impossible to decipher.
Never in a million years could Kili admit to himself that he didn't want her to leave his arms. But with the water duty done there was no more stalling. He took a deep breath and got ready to lay her back on the ground. Why was he so careful with it no one would know, it was not like Fai could wake up with the movement. It was when Kili started lowering her down, Fai snuggled up against him.
He froze right then and there.
His cheeks instantly got redder than Mercury. Fai shifted under the cloak and moved closer to him, and when Kili rose her back to her former position not knowing what else to do, she buried her face to his neck. As her breath warmed his neck Kili started looking around in panic. He would not be able to offer any explanation if anyone else was witnessing this. To his dismay or his blessings, it was too dark to see. The silhouettes his eyes could pick were spread away from him, seemingly asleep.
Fai mumbled again, unknown words tingling Kili's neck. His body was stiff as a rock, he looked like someone who did not know how to hold a baby. His free hand was drawing nervous circles on the ground while the arm that was supporting her weight hovered in the air, clueless on what to do. He felt as if Fai was naturally sleeping, that she could wake up if Kili was not careful. This was the most alive the poor Dwarf had seen her since he woke up himself. After spending so much time trying to reassure himself that Fai was alive, it was a huge relief. Her body was warm against him, her lips so slightly touching his skin whenever she mumbled.
Kili let out the breath he didn't know he had been holding for a while. He didn't know how to feel. All he could realize was that he missed her voice. Even though for the life of him Kili couldn't figure out what she was saying, he wanted her to keep talking. It's been too silent without her in the past two days. Two days without talking to her, without nonsensical bickerings, without her sarcastic snarks. Although their interactions were often brief and highly weird, he realized he missed her terribly.
He remembered his dream where she was not there and the devastation it caused. What in hell was all that? Fai in his arms was the living breathing reminder of all the feelings Kili had been trying to avoid. It was easy to do so in all the chaos, the fighting and the running away. But the situation was different then. Life came to a temporary stop, offering no distractions. The Company was asleep or minding their own business with no immediate danger to be cautious of. Most importantly, Fai was asleep. Kili then realized whenever they became closer, one of the two did something to disrupt it. Whenever they could have a proper chat, one of them said something to turn it into bickering. Whenever they hugged, they avoided each other for a couple of days erasing little progress they have made in their weird friendship.
Kili was not used to being so close to Fai for a time span this long without something else happening to interrupt them. It has been very easy not thinking about it all when they were being chased by Wargs, captured by Goblins, thrown around by Thundergiants. It was impossible to do so however, sitting dead quiet on the ground with Fai in his arms. The thoughts he had been subconsciously pushing away started creeping back crawling, yelling inside his head.
How he hated it whenever she got hurt -
"No." he whispered to himself, shaking his head side to side.
How his heart raced whenever she touched him for whatever reason -
"Mahal, no.."
How damn good it felt right then, her warm breath on his neck, her body snuggling up closer every now and then. How wonderful it was to hold her while she slept somewhat peacefully. How bloody damn much he wanted to hug her back, wrap his arms aro-
"Hell no."
Hitting the tree he has been leaning on with the back of his head, Kili looked up. It must've taken an idiot to not figuring this out for this damn long. Well, he was one, wasn't he? For all this time, how could he not realize that -
That he had feelings for her. That he always wanted her closer, to keep her safe, to have the ability to talk to her for hours without fighting.. Why the hell was she trying to snuggle up even closer now? Mahal forbid she made one single thing easy for him, no, it would definitely kill her to cut him some slack.
"Even when you're not awake, woman!" Kili grumbled quietly, not knowing how to even look at her face again he kept watching the non-existing skies. Looking down was lava. This was dangerous. This was the last thing anyone needed in a life or death quest. The danger was clearly implied by Fili the night before, proving he was well aware of the situation even before Kili figured it all out.
"Shit.." he whispered, trying to avoid the girl in his arms. This was horrible. Fai would kill him if she knew. Fai would slap him so hard for letting her cuddle him while he had all this stupid feelings. Fai would never even look in his direction ever again. Kili was convinced he would lose her if she knew his feelings. It was certain she did not reciprocate them. If she did, she would have shared whatever she was hiding from him. She would have opened up, she would have explained. She was having heart to hearts with Fili, with Bifur, with Bilbo, even with Ori for Mahal's sake. But for him, she seemed to have a lot of snarks and nothing's going ons in tow. Granted, she must have liked him enough to save his life but he didn't know what to make of it. He was very sure she would do it for anyone else in the Company too.
Great Kili thought. Unrequited feelings was all I needed.
He finally mustered enough courage to look down, and saw the top of her golden head resting on his chest. Her head fell behind when Kili shifted uncomfortably, exposing her face pointed towards him. Kili shivered. Her face was like the living breathing confirmation of his feelings. He stopped fighting himself for a moment, and drank her in. Fai's long eyelashes was trembling every now and then, covering her grey eyes. Those damned silver eyes. Her hair was everywhere again, their golden colour was reminding Kili of his brother so much. Her features were unusual to him. She lacked facial hair for one thing, the most attractive quality in a Dwarven woman. Even though she have learnt how to put up a fight, her build was as weak as a squirrel, even so after days of malnutrition. Dark circles ringed her eyes, her lips were dried up completely. She definitely did not look like any Dwarf he was attracted to before. But despite all, to him, she was beautiful. As if she knew she cuddled up to him again, burying her face back to his neck while taking a breath.
Kili sighed.
He was too tired to fight the urge anymore. Whatever he felt for her could be dealt with later. Whatever time they had left under that tree, he wanted to savour that, he wanted to be in the moment. It was selfish, but so be it. Be it so that she was unaware. Be it so, that she would kick his ass. At that moment, he couldn't care any less.
"Damn the torpedoes.." Kili whispered, and he gave in. His free arm stopped drawing circles and wrapped around her. Under his tight embrace, Fai murmured again Mahal knows what as Kili hugged her. Not caring about how it was the most selfish thing he has ever done, his fingers ran through her hair and gently supported the back of her head. With Fai's head buried to Kili's neck, he gently rested his chin on her temple and sighed once more. His treacherous heart was racing.
He was oblivious to his own feelings for so long, making impossible to stop his thoughts once he admitted. The realisation was sudden and strong, leaving him dumbfounded. Kili didn't know what to do with himself after this. What did it all mean, and what difference would it do anyway? He wished he never figured it out. He wanted to go back to the sweet oblivion where he felt simpler things towards her. Rage was easier, ignoring her although not as easy, was way more convenient for him. What would one do with these newfound feelings that he has?
To make matters even worse, with this quest they were probably walking towards their death. How could anyone manage it? Oh, he was going full mental. The emotional rollercoaster he was riding was messing with his head real good. He took a deep breath but it got hitched when he heard a familiar voice.
"So now you know."
It was no other than his brother. Of course Fili would be the one to witness it. Without a doubt he would not miss any chance to rub it in Kili's face till eternity. The brunette briefly considered denying it all but he knew it would be in vain. With Fai curled up in his arms and with Kili holding on to her for dear life, words that could save him were not invented yet, so he didn't even bother to pull himself together.
He just gave Fai a long and very intense look, then raised his eyes to meet his brothers. With desperation, he slightly shrugged and finally answered.
"Now I know."
E/N: Well it was about time, wasn't it?
