A/N: I mention self-harm scars in this chapter, so be warned (it's not graphic, promise). Also, the whole fic is literally about depression, so please don't read it if it'll put your mental state at risk.
If you or a loved one is experiencing suicidal thoughts, please call a suicide prevention hotline for your country.
(More at the end)
Adrien popped his head in her trapdoor, hiding his panic from Tikki's message. "Hey, I heard you weren't doing well today."
Marinette jumped and looked over at him. "Who told you that?"
He waved his phone at her. "Tikki."
"Mm. I forget she knows my password sometimes."
He sat next to her on her bed. "Well, I know your password, too. Doesn't Alya?"
"And Nino does, too." She made room for him next to her, draping the blanket over his legs when he settled down.
Plagg emerged from Adrien's pocket. "Am I the only one who doesn't know it?"
"Yes, now go get some cheese. The grownups are trying to have a conversation." Adrien shooed him away.
"I'm five thousand years old, Adrien. Your measly eighteen years mean nothing to me." Plagg flew off in search of Tikki (and Marinette's cheese stash).
Marinette stared up at her ceiling. "So, what brings you here, exactly?"
"You weren't doing well, so I wanted to come check on you."
"Why do you even care? I'll be fine. Just having a rough day is all."
Adrien looked over at her. "And you're saying you wouldn't come see how I was doing if Plagg sent you a message that said I was having a bad day?"
Her brows furrowed. "Of course I would, but it would probably be serious if Plagg were sending you a message. Not doing well is my standard anymore; it's not that big of a deal."
"Well, I beg to differ. Your standard should be better than that."
"Well, gee, I'm sorry it's not."
Adrien frowned; she was being mean, but he knew it was because she was hurting. It didn't make it right, but it wasn't worth the trouble at the moment. He took a deep breath, deciding to let it go. "Marinette, I didn't mean it like that. I just mean that I want you to be well."
She bit her lip. "Yeah, I know. I'm sorry."
They laid in silence for a few minutes, idly playing with each other's fingers until Marinette broke the silence. "I don't know, Adrien. I guess I just think it shouldn't be a major point of concern because it feels like a character trait at this point. You know, like it's something permanent. 'Hi, I'm Marinette. I'm a fashion designer, I'm Ladybug, and, oh, I'm suicidal!' Fuck, that sounds pitiful. I'm sorry."
"May I share something with you?"
She shrugged. "If it'll make you feel better. Sure, go for it."
"Okay, so, the easiest way to show you is to, uh…" His face turned red. "So, I'm going to take my pants off, but I'm not trying to do anything weird, I swear."
"I believe you."
Adrien stood up and let his pants fall to the ground at his ankles. He shuffled over and sat next to her. "Hey."
"Hey."
"Is this making you uncomfortable?"
She shrugged. "We've slept in the same bed before."
"Okay. Um…" He mentally bit the bullet and rolled the hem of his boxer shorts up a few inches, revealing a small pattern of scars. "I have them on both legs."
Sympathy panged in her chest. "Oh, Adrien, I had no idea. I'm so sorry."
"It was years ago, right after Maman...anyway, there was nothing you could've done. I just...wanted to share this with you. That feeling, the one where you're all concerned about me? That's how I feel about you all the time."
Marinette reached over and grabbed his hand. "Does anybody else know?"
"Nino. Oh, and Bethany."
"Who?"
"Uh, The Shredder. The akuma victim from a few weeks ago."
"You told her?"
"To comfort her and to let her know that, as cliché as it sounds, things can get better. It's hard, but it can get better if you work for it."
"Yeah." She stared at their hands, not really taking it in.
"Mari?"
"Yeah?"
He squeezed her hand. "Things can get better. I promise. I won't pretend to understand it, but I do know that it's possible if you really want it. That came out wrong, shit. I mean that, uh...dammit."
She gave a small smile. "I understand, Adrien. You're not offending me by saying it that way."
"Okay." He stood and pulled his pants back on, curling next to her when he was done. "You okay, Bug?"
"I don't know."
"That's okay. You don't have to know right now." He held his arms out to her. "Cuddle?"
"Yeah, I will." She scooted closer and got comfortable against him. "I'm sorry."
"What for?"
"That you have to put up with me."
Adrien frowned. "I don't think of it that way. I want to spend time with you. You're not a burden." He kissed her head. "I promise."
"Okay. If you say so."
Marinette believed it with her head, but she wondered how long it would be before she believed it with her heart as she eventually drifted off to sleep.
A/N: Well, it's been a bit...I do apologize for the delay; I've been having an interesting few months. Without oversharing, I'll give you all an update on some things:
Therapy is going well, I think. I feel like I have a grip on things more often than I did before (which still isn't a lot, but improvement is still improvement). We've discussed putting me on medication, which I'm all for, but I'm having a hard time getting that done for lots of various reasons. So, that sucks, but that's the way it goes, I guess? (I suck at staying positive, by the way. Basically anybody can attest to that.)
When things are tolerable at home, they're getting more tolerable. When they are not tolerable, they're getting worse. Does that bother me? Yes. I can't do anything about it yet, though. It's a lot of hurry up and wait business, which I'm not good at, either.
I had a verse in my Bible study this week (Romans 5:1-11, in case any of you churchy people want to read it) that says to "Celebrate in seasons of suffering," and I guess I'm trying to do that? I don't know. I feel obligated to, but not in a bad way. I'm slowly trying it out. No idea if I'll be successful or not. (Positive me says yes; unfortunately, most of me is a realist, and she says no.)
I've gone and overshared anyway. Your prayers and support are always appreciated, and feel free to let me know if you need anything. (And don't be afraid to comment!)
Love you all
xoxo -wwot
