Chapter 20 – A bitter cup
The guests were leaving Chateaux Lestrange after the weekend. Bellatrix and Rudolphus had been standing on the stairs taking farewell. Their lord had left first of all. As always, he was a busy man, but he had assured them that he had been very satisfied with the outcome of the meeting.
Regulus shook Bellatrix's hand firmly before he left. "I really must thank you, my dear cousin," he said. "If it wasn't for you, I might never have gotten the chance to meet Him and offer Him my services. I am forever in your debt."
To Bellatrix's dismay, the lord had chosen to accept both Regulus and his pack of friends. "Pure blood is what I value most in my followers, but willpower is a close second," he had told them. "And strength of will is something you all seem to possess. So I will give you all the opportunity to prove it. I will give you all a chance to develop under my leadership."
"I am happy for your sake," she told her cousin stiffly. "I just hope you will remember that it will take a lot of effort from your side."
"I am prepared to give my everything, just like my friends," Regulus assured her. "You'll see, Bellatrix."
"What a great success," Rudolphus remarked with deep satisfaction in his voice when they had seen off the last of the guests. He placed an arm around his wife's shoulders. "So many new members to our cause. This will make our opponents shiver!"
"Perhaps," muttered Bellatrix.
He gave her a look of surprise. "What's wrong? I know you don't believe too much in Regulus and his friends, but they will develop, just like my lord said. They will grow with his confidence."
"Maybe. But I also noticed that there were some people who didn't want to take the oath." She glanced sharply at him. "One of your friends."
"Lucius Malfoy?" Rudolphus shrugged. "He just said he wasn't ready yet. Besides, he was afraid that the mark would give him trouble in his post at the ministry. You know what a bunch of muggle lovers they are."
"That's just excuses and hypocrisy," decided Bellatrix. "Either you belong to the Lord or you don't. If he really wants to fight for our cause, he shouldn't be afraid to show it."
"Well at least he came," said Rudolphus resolutely. "I noticed that there are others who did not show up to honour the lord. It doesn't seem to matter to them that their pure blood is threatened. I saw none of the Weasleys here tonight for example. And no Potters, no Longbottoms, no Prewetts..."
"They are all unworthy blood traitors," said Bellatrix dismissively. "They will get what is coming to them."
"Yes well, but there were also some Blacks missing, if you don't mind me saying so..."
Bellatrix frowned. "Sirius is no better than the other turncoats. I wouldn't have expected him to show his face here and if he did, I would have hexed him. As for my sisters... I will introduce them when the time is right."
Madam Pomfrey had given Andromeda a strange look when she asked for the potion, but as the school's nurse, she was sworn to secrecy and it was obviously not the first time that one of the female students had made a similar request. "Just let me know if you need to talk," she had simply told Andromeda when she left.
Andromeda had nodded, though her mind hardly registered what her ears heard. She had went straight back to the dormitory and locked herself up in the bathroom. The goblet with the potion was standing next to the wash basin. She kept standing on the other side of the room, unable to bring herself to go and pick it up.
It's just a precaution, she told herself sternly. I just need to know for sure.
Of course that was true. She just wanted to rule out the possibility, nothing more. After all, there was no real chance that she could be, was it? They had been so careful. They had taken potions, both of them, to be on the safe side and they had never...
But even as Andromeda tried to convince herself, the memory from the Hogsmeade weekend came back to her. She was unable to block it. She remembered the blurs of alcohol, her strange excitement and exhilaration. The cold snow against her back. Ted's warm body over her.
She gritted her teeth tightly together. She had made a mistake. Just one. Everybody made mistakes. It didn't have to mean anything. The fates wouldn't be so cruel. They wouldn't punish her after just one time, of course they wouldn't...
She pulled a deep breath to braze herself and slowly walked up to the potion. Carefully, she took a long stray of hair from her head and dropped it into the potion. She took her wand and swallowed tightly. "Incinto?" she asked quietly, aiming the wand against the surface of the potion.
Immediately, the liquid started bubbling and spinning in the goblet. Madam Pomfrey had told her that it would change colour as an answer to her question. No, would make it green. Yes, would make it red. She had told her that it might take a few moments before the colour was established, but as Andromeda glanced down into the goblet, she noticed that it had already changed.
It was red. Red like blood.
"Damn," she whispered. "And what does that mean? Is it quadruplets or something?"
She started giggling, almost hysterical and sank back against the wall as her legs gave way beneath her. She wanted to deny it again. It couldn't be true, it was too unfair. But Madam Pomfrey had told her that the tests never failed.
Andromeda pounded the back of her head against the wall. What a stupid idiot she was. She had risked everything for a moment of pleasure. She should have known better. She had heard Bellatrix's story about what could happen when you had too much to drink. She knew what might happen when you lost control. And still, she hadn't been able to stop herself. It seemed like she would have to pay very dearly for that.
"Fool," she mumbled quietly to herself. "You stupid, bloody fool..."
A cold hand grasped her heart and she felt a sense of panic rising in her body. She was a Black, a member of the pureblood aristocracy. She knew what was expected of her, even if she had always preferred to ignore it. She was supposed to preserve the blood line and make sure it continued. She was supposed to save herself for a marriage to some wealthy and pureblood wizard whose house she was supposed to keep and whose pureblood children she was supposed to bear.
Those demands were absolute. They were not negotiable. What would her parents do if they found out? How would the rest of the wizard community react? And what about Bellatrix and Narcissa? She swallowed and felt cold with fear. Would she be cast off just like Sirius? Would she be a disgrace to her family, someone whose name you couldn't even bear to mention?
No. No, no, no. She tried to calm her wildly pounding heart. She wasn't going to let that happen. She had made a mistake, yes, but it could be remedied. There were many different ways to make sure that no one would ever find out. Not her parents. Not her sisters. Not even Ted.
Perhaps that would be for the best. If he never knew, then he didn't have to worry about anything. Then she wouldn't have to talk about it and thereby acknowledge the existence of the problem. Then it would really be as if it had never been there.
But could she do that? Would it really be right to keep the truth away from him, to never even let him now? Would it not be terribly unfair and selfish? After all, it was his baby too.
Baby...
She glanced down at her midsection, awkwardly. It was the first time she had thought about it as a living creature. Actually, it was quite unbelievable. She had never expected that this could happen to her.
Suddenly, she remembered a time when she had been very young and she had been standing by Narcissa's crib with Bellatrix. They had been watching their sister silently, not to wake her. They had been amazed by the baby's rosy cheeks and her golden hair as she slept with little sniffing breaths.
"I want one of my own," Andromeda had decided. "Where do you buy them?"
Bellatrix had frowned, looking down at her sister with all of her five-year-old wisdom. "I don't think you buy them. I think it's some kind of spell and it's very difficult... I think mummy and daddy had to make it together."
"Well, I want one anyway. I guess I will have to find someone to make it with. Do you think you and I could make one together, Bella?"
Andromeda closer her eyes tightly, feeling torn apart by conflicting emotions. Oh Merlin, what in the world am I going to do?
Sirius Black attacked Narcissa the moment he saw her coming down from the astronomy tower. Her blonde head was bent over a book and she didn't see him. Not before they were alone in an empty corridor and he walked up to her. "I need to have a word with you."
Narcissa flinched by the sound of his voice and looked up. Her face turned pale as she recognized him. She could hardly believe that he had managed to walk up so close to her and that she hadn't noticed him. Quickly, instinctively, she tried to take a step past him, but he blocked her way. "Just a word," he added.
She once again tried to make it past him, but he stood his ground and she was pushed back again. She was appalled. She didn't want to see him, or talk to him. She was terrified that he would bring up the old and menacing feelings that were hidden somewhere behind the hard shell around her heart. She wouldn't survive that. She would drown.
She managed to control herself. "I. Have. Nothing. To. Say. To. You," she said slowly and coldly, giving him a look that she hoped would turn him into an ice statue.
"Well, I have things to say to you. And you would do well to listen."
"I am not interested."
"Too bad for you, but you don't have any choice. I am not letting you go before you hear me out."
His arrogance angered her and gave her power. She shoved her heavy book against him and managed to push him away. But as she tried to slink past him, he grabbed her arm and spun her back against the wall.
The sensation of his hand upon her body made her feel like something was burning on her skin, like a branding iron. It made her panic. "Let me go!" she almost screamed and jerked her arm away from him in a violent gesture.
Sirius' eyes widened. He looked astonished by her outburst. He took one step back and raised his hands in a soothing gesture. "I am not going to hurt you," he assured her gently. "I just need to talk to you, that's all."
Narcissa pressed herself as closely against the wall as she possibly could without shrinking through. She glared at him. "What is it?" she hissed.
Sirius pulled a hand through his hair, looking uncomfortable. "I want to talk about Malfoy."
She stared at him. "Malfoy? Lucius Malfoy?"
Sirius sighed impatiently. "Oh, please don't play games. You know who I am talking about. Your new boyfriend." He pronounced the last word in a voice that was full to the brink of contempt and mockery.
But Narcissa would not let herself be affected. "Who told you?" she asked him coldly. "Andromeda?"
Sirius shook his head. "No, not Andromeda, I swear it. But whoever told me is not the point here."
"What is it then?"
He watched her closely and she found it difficult to keep herself from squirming under his eyes. She wanted to get away from him. She wanted to flee from the threat he represented. "I am wondering what you know about him? About him and his... private interests."
"I know everything I need to know about Lucius," she answered flatly. She tried to seem as cold and uninterested as possible, as if the situation didn't bother her in the least.
Sirius raised his eyebrows. "Oh, he is Lucius now, is he? Somehow I doubt that you do. I think you are in trouble, Narcissa. And I think you should stay away from him."
Narcissa could hardly believe his arrogance. She wanted to tell him that he could shove his advice up his backside. That was what Bellatrix would have done. "And what exactly makes you think that I would care what you think?" she asked him harshly.
Sirius seemed to realize that his choice of words had not been the best. He looked embarrassed. "Please, don't take this the wrong way. I am just worried about you, that's all. I don't want you to be put into danger."
Narcissa's blue eyes were like spears of ice. "And why should you give a damn if I was?"
Sirius face softened. Once again, he reached out to put his hand on her arm. "You know I care about you, Cissy..."
"Don't call me that!" she spat, pulling away from him.
He sighed deeply and his voice turned harder again. "Narcissa look, I am not playing around. This is serious. I have strong reasons to suspect that Lucius is involved with the dark lord."
That was actually something that shook Narcissa and for a moment, she found it difficult to keep her cool poise. "The dark lord? Voldemort?"
He nodded ironically. "Yes. That freak who sent fireballs at the World Cup and who wants to exterminate every muggleborn wizard in the world. Does that sound like healthy company to you?"
Narcissa bit her tongue. "Whatever Lucius has done, I am sure he has good reasons."
"Oh come on, is that what you tell yourself? If you ask me, I'd think he and Voldemort should suit each other perfectly. Two blind, fanatical and overconfident..."
"Do you think I am going to listen to you insulting him?" she interrupted him angrily.
Sirius sighed and calmed down again. "I am just saying that you should be careful. If he belongs to Voldemort..."
"So what if he does?" she snapped. "It's his business, not mine. Besides, I can take care of myself."
He shook his head, almost in disgust. "I don't believe this. Doesn't it mean anything to you if he is with those lunatics?" He glared at her. "If I didn't know better, I'd say you choose him just to get back at me."
Narcissa's face turned white. "You don't know what you are babbling about..."
"Oh, yes I do," said Sirius sarcastically. "He was the perfect candidate wasn't he; rich, handsome, sophisticated and of the right blood. Your parents will roll out the red carpet for him, I am sure. And you knew I hated him. What an excellent way to take revenge."
"Be quiet," she whispered. It was a warning, but he didn't seem to get it.
"But do you really think that will make you happy?" he continued, looking sternly into her eyes. "Do you really want to end up like Bellatrix?"
As Narcissa looked into his challenging eyes, she suddenly realized that she hated herself. She hated herself for all the endless days and night she had spent mourning him, missing him, asking herself what she had done wrong, why he wouldn't love her as she loved him.
He was not worth it. He was not worth the adoration she had wasted on him ever since she was a little girl. He had never been serious with her, only used her as a way to appease his parents until their opinion finally didn't matter to him anymore. But she had fallen for it, because she had so desperately wanted to believe that it was for real. Her sisters had warned her. But she had not wanted to listen.
He had crushed her. He had broken her heart along with all of her naive, romantic dreams and hopes. It was his fault that she was a cold shadow of what she had once been. She hated him for that. Almost as much as she still loved him.
Narcissa suddenly forgot her cold, Black control. She raised her hand and slapped him hard across his face. She put all of her anger, confusion and grief in the strike. Sirius' cheek turned red and he stared at her in absolute disbelief. She knew that he would never have believed her capable of that kind of violence; not Narcissa, the sweetest and most timid of the Black sisters.
"Stay away from me," she growled and when she moved past him this time, he didn't try to stop her. He probably didn't dare.
"And then the crazy woman asked me to read in that coffee mess and she actually expected me to make some sort of conclusion out of it. She told me that she had predicted that I would receive some shocking news that would change my world. Can you believe that? As if anything even remotely exciting has happened in this place for weeks and besides..."
"Ted, I am pregnant."
It was not until afterwards that Andromeda realized that she had really said it. The words were out of her mouth. They were out in the open. They were no longer just a knot in her stomach or a painful awareness in the back of her mind.
Ted immediately stopped complaining about his divination class and stared at her. Even the birds seemed to stop singing around them in their shock. They were sitting by the lake at Andromeda's favourite place, beyond the reed, where they had once bumped into each other for the first time. She supposed it was quite fitting that she would choose this place to tell him. Not that she had really planned it. The words had just fallen out of her mouth.
Andromeda waited for his reaction, but he just kept gawking and said nothing. His blue and greenish eyes looked like they would jump out of their sockets and his jaw was hanging in line with his chest.
"What?" he finally blurted out.
"Pregnant," Andromeda repeated. "You know, a fertilized egg..."
"I know what it is!" he snapped. Then he pulled a deep breath and looked as if he was trying to keep his mind from getting over heated as he took in the news. "Are you sure?"
"Pretty much, yes. I have been feeling quite sick lately. And my period has stopped."
Ted swallowed tightly. "But you can't be... We have been careful... the potions..."
"Yes, I know. But there was once when we didn't use them," said Andromeda gloomily.
"But..." Ted suddenly flinched and Andromeda could see the same shock reflected in his face as she had felt when she recalled their Hogsmeade visit. "Oh, no..."
"Sometimes once is all it takes," she mumbled.
"Oh God," whispered Ted, looking as sick as Andromeda felt. In his horror, he called out to some muggle saint. "Oh my bloody Jesus Christ. What are we going to do?"
Andromeda shrugged. "I don't know..." Her throat felt constricted. She had hoped that Ted would have an answer; she had hoped that she would be able to lean against him and that he would calm her angst. But his panic and fears actually seemed worse than her own.
But why should he worry? He wouldn't have to take the blow if he didn't want to. He could just walk away if it pleased him. She could not. She would be forced to carry the burden.
Her body started shaking. She had never felt more confused and afraid in her life. It was as if she had been playing a game that suddenly had turned deadly serious. She had a baby inside her. It was an uninvited guest, a parasite. She didn't want it there. She couldn't be a mother, she was just seventeen! And in any case, she hardly knew how a mother was supposed to behave. She had hardly grown up with any warm and affectionate parental relations.
Tears started running down her cheeks and she couldn't stop them. Ted noticed that she was trying to hide her sobs. He suddenly seemed to be ashamed for his lack of support. He wrapped his arms around her and held her tight.
"Don't worry," he mumbled, stroking her hair. He tried to sound as calm and manly authoritative as possible. "Please don't cry. We'll think of something."
But what for Merlin's sake? Andromeda asked herself.
His arms around her were comforting. He wouldn't abandon her. But what could he do? What help could he give her? He didn't even know what he was up against; the powerful Black family and with them the whole pureblood wizard elite.
But at least Ted had said we will think of something.
