Andrea laughs, understandingly, though what she understands about me, I don't know. This is all a mask- I'm not this cold person, though I can be. "We need you," I wonder how much that sentence kills her. "Our coach doesn't like our sound, and our assistant coach keeps recommending you." She smirks at me, like she has me by a string.
"It seems everyone is wanting me nowadays." I fake and raise my eyebrows, unimpressed. They all look at one another, waiting for an explanation I won't give, don't have. I'm tired suddenly of being this hateful girl and all I want is to slip into comfy clothes and watch a long marathon of something mind-numbing- but I have to win, for New Directions. They can't break me.
I look to him sitting in the audience chairs, waiting for me to slip so he can take me back- but he's too late, there's nothing here. Ugh, I'm so confused today. My show face falters and he sees it, I know he did because he stands, taking the attention of the group with him and I'm suddenly thankful. I had imagined a lot of different scenarios of running into him again but nothing compares to the real thing.
Jesse was still commander of charisma, handling an air around him that intrigues everyone. He was still confident to a fault and yet did not bow to anyone, blame anyone for his mistakes. His icy eyes still held his soul in them, covered to those he didn't need and yet bare to those he knew. There was a part of me that was still cold to him, for what he did, but also amazed that he went through with it. I'm still caught up in him, though I don't want to be, but also can't help it.
I decide to turn away, and he slides into the aisle, cutting off my retreat and he is so close to me now. He's still familiar, and I have to remind myself that I hate him. "I'll explain." He says, looking at me.
"Oh, trust me, I think I've put it together." I respond, ice coating my voice. I'm so out of character, so far beyond myself and it scares me, to know I can be this person that qualifies in Vocal Adrenaline, that can hurt someone like they do. I look straight at Jesse.
"Where's the trust, Rachel?" He says, the words easily floating off his tongue and into the air, his smirk not reaching his eyes.
I feel my lips turn up as a response, and he waves his hand, the team dispersing with grumbles and sighs. They all look at me in turn, until it's just two standing in the empty auditorium like we had once a long time ago. I can finally drop all pretense and I feel exhausted.
"Trust?" I laugh, "The people who egged me or the jerk who broke my heart?" He winces and I go to a chair, needing to sit down. "I know you guys want something," I say, "What? Leaving New Direction," He watches me with grim face, thinking of the ways this will play out, "and join you, right?" He nods, giving in to my theory and I'm actually surprised by the audacity. "Is your title in jeopardy?" I ask.
"Yes." He says it simply, not looking at me anymore and I sit for a second, wondering if this was a dream or a nightmare.
"I don't want to." I get up and walk past him, leaving him. After everything he has done to me, that they have done, they come to me begging to say their precious title? I don't want to think of the benefits of their team, knowing there were many. How could i possibly entertain the idea of switching after all I had put into the New Directions. I grab my keys out of my purse and they clatter onto the tile. I'm shaking, i realize as I stare at my hands, willing them to still and a hand swoops in, grabbing my keys from the ground
"I'll take you home." He says dryly.
.
I don't protest, knowing it's for the best that I don't drive like this. We walk to his car in silence and he opens the door for me and even though I fight it, a part of me is happy to see him. It makes me want to relax in his presence and cave to him- maybe not switching schools but just him. "So, you want me on Vocal Adrenaline." I say when he settles in and turns on the car. He nods. "That's going to be a problem- I have friends in New Directions, we are in the competition, and we won't fail out this time." I said with confidence in my voice.
He shakes his head, "You look at it as what you're leaving, but look at it as what you're gaining." Jesse says, focusing on backing out of the lot.
"Okay, what would I gain?" I say a little mockingly, "Let me think," I say, shrugging, wondering what he plans to offer.
"You'd be the lead, talent appreciated, no bullying, no name calling, friends who are like you and love some competition," He replies, his signature smirk adorning his features again.
"Your offer is seriously tempting," I say with zero feeling, "but I have to get New Directions past Regional's. They need me more." I look at Jesse, I don't know how it happened but I knew I would forgive him. I lean my head back and stare up, my eyes finding a mark I thought would be long erased. "These are still around." I wonder at the two gold stars stuck to his roof. "It was supposed to represent you and me, on the top of the world," I say in a small voice, mostly to myself.
"I couldn't bear to take them off," His voice is wistful, "it was a piece of you that I could keep, without being criticized about going soft," he replies. I raise my hand and brush my fingers over them, carefully, as to not pull them up. It was hard to keep my heart hard toward him with this, something I did one night when we were discussing him leaving for college. It was silly and immature of me, but he kept them, because he like them… me.
"How can you be co-coach if your college is out of state?" I ask looking at him. His jaw tightens, the hand that was on the steering tightens, and his voice is very controlled.
"I flunked out." I gasp and look at him, without thinking I grab his hand resting on the console. Some things are hard to break. He holds my hand in return, squeezing it for reassurance. I know how it must be if he flunked out with his parents. His dad must be furious and his mom probably is giving him the silent treatment.
"I forgive you," I don't know if I really do just yet but it's all I can think of to say, to try to comfort him and maybe to comfort myself.
"You shouldn't, you don't know the whole story," With a sad gleam in his eye, he looks at me for a moment, then returns his hand to the steering wheel, focusing back on the road.
"Can't we leave it in the past?" I ask him. I don't really want to get into again and think about it at all. It's an old memory to me and I want to leave it there. "I know it was a set up, whether for Vocal Adrenaline or for Shelby, I don't care anymore." I lean my head on the window, looking out as the cars race by in the opposite direction.
"Can we do that?" He asks me, as we pull into my driveway.
"It's a start," I say, opening the car door and feeling the breeze on my skin. "Come eat dinner." I say as I get out of his car. He hesitates, "We have to start from somewhere." I tell him as I stare at him from the other side, "I get why you did what you did. I don't like it- I don't even know if I like you, to be honest," He nods, "but I don't want it like that, so come eat." I close my door and he opens his, jumping out.
"You're wrong about one part," He stops me on the porch as I reach for the door, "I still love you." His eyes are sincere, but I don't want to fall for the pretty words he says. I been swayed by these two men back and forth for a year. I don't know how to reply to him so I just walk inside. All the lights are off and I know they left again. I slip off my shoes and walk into the kitchen where a note rest by a plate of fake fruit.
Gone on Caribbean Cruise, money in the drawer, love you!, yeah, love you guys too. I hold the note in my hand, staring at the words. So many pretty words around me tonight. Since I became old enough to take care of myself, they have been leaving on trips and tours around the world; they don't bother to ask me about it or how it makes me feel. This time they'll be gone for 6 weeks. Most girls would dream of this, alone with a guy who just confessed his love, for many nights possibilities ran endless with no chance of interruption, but for me- this is hell. I'm alone and lonely. I lay my head in my hands, feeling his hand on my back, curving over my shoulder. He knows they've left again, too. It was something I confided in Jesse, thought he might understand.
"My own Dads don't even want to see me- why would Vocal Adrenaline want me?" I know I'm whining but how can I not? I won't let people see me weak and cry, not usually- but Jesse isn't other people, he's just like me.
"I know your worried about the offer and all," I'm actually not, "but let's not focus on it, okay? I'll cook us dinner and we can watch a movie- like old times?" I laugh with little emotion, still hurt that my Dads left without even a phone call but I don't stop him.
