Chapter 8
A week had come and gone so fast and I still hadn't even gone by the hospital yet but with the weather changing fast I knew I would need to stock up. Our priority was getting our new guests set up here before anything else. I had to admit it was getting a little cramped but it was still manageable. Having the 3 bedroom guesthouse outback had really come in hand.
The first thing I decided to do was go to Bellamy about the hospital. I knocked on his door and when he didn't answer I went looking for him. I found him talking with Octavia and her "friend" Lincoln, I gathered that he was more than a friend but for Bellamy's sake they were keeping in quiet for now.
"Hey just curious if you think we might have some time to run by the hospital? I figured with this weather turning cold quickly were going to have a lot of people getting sick so the supplies will be crucial." Even though he already knew the reasoning's I figured I would remind him.
"Back to the hospital huh?" Octavia looked back and forth between us "I'm starting to think you two lied to me."
We both looked at her confused finally I said "what?"
"Is going to the hospital some kind of code word for going and hooking up?" She asked and very seriously.
"Why would you ask that?" I asked in a high-pitched voice.
"You seriously have to ask that?" Octavia looked at me like she couldn't believe I had asked that "oh come on you know if we couldn't have come up on you two when we did you would have probably done it right there on the ground."
My mouth dropped.
"We… We weren't…" Bellamy tried to say but Octavia interrupted him.
"It's ok big bro, were all adults here, I don't think anyone would mind if you and the hot blonde are doing it." Octavia had no idea just how wrong she was.
I looked up just to see Murphy glaring at me. I knew I didn't owe him anything but I needed him to know that nothing had happened. Murphy turned and left and I chased after him.
I heard Octavia say in the distance "ok maybe that guy might."
"Murphy stop." I yelled when I finally reached him.
"Why should I?" He did actually stop and turned and looked at me.
"I know I don't owe you anything but what she was saying it's not true. I just need you to know that." I said in a rush not knowing how long he would actually stand around and listen.
"You know what Clarke I don't care. If you want to go and sleep with every guy in this house, go for it. You're not my problem anymore." He said harshly.
"You know I wouldn't…" He didn't let me finish.
"Actually I feel like I don't know you anymore, you're not the same girl I fell in love with." That hurt.
"You did this Murphy, not me. I will not let you try to make this like it's my fault. You're the one who was telling me you were falling for me but going and screwing your girlfriend that I had no idea existed." I screamed at him. "And you know what if I wanted to screw Bellamy I would do just that and there wouldn't be anything you could do about it, but that's not me. But you are right about one thing I have changed, I've grown and I've learned that you should always rely on yourself before anyone else because sometimes things happen and people disappoint you but you need to be able to pick yourself back up and keep going. No matter how hard it is."
Murphy just stared at me. "I'm sorry I hurt you."
"It's alright, I've learned to get past it. Does it still hurt? From time to time yea it does but I'm working on it." I told him honestly.
"Do you think we could ever try again?" His question threw me, I hadn't expected him to ask something like that.
"Aren't you and Emori?" I really didn't want to ask but I couldn't help myself.
He shook his head "the kiss that you saw was the last thing that's happened between us. She knows I still love you."
I thought about how easy it would be to fall right back in that place, where I was before. But I realized right then that I may still love Murphy but I was no longer in love with him. He hurt me to bad. "I'm sorry but the only future we have is friends. You'll have to take it or leave it."
He looked hurt and I hated that I caused that but I couldn't lie to him. He took a deep breath than said "I understand. I'd be stupid to not take at least being friends with you that is where we started from."
Out of habit I hugged him, it didn't register what I was doing until after the fact but it didn't seem to make things awkward. It was just a quick friendly interaction. That was the first time in two months that I could actually see a future without us hating each other.
When I went back where I left Bellamy and Octavia he was no longer there. But Octavia stopped me and asked if we could talk for a minute. "I just wanted to say sorry about that. I didn't know about the whole Murphy thing."
"It's no problem, that's been over for some time now." I told her.
"It didn't look over." She responded a little harshly.
"Well it is, I just don't feel exes have to hate each other." I defended myself.
"I didn't mean it to sound like that, it's just I don't want to see my brother hurt."
Now I was confused "why would your brother be hurt?"
She shook her head "even if you don't want to admit it there is something between you two. He acts differently around you."
"What do you mean?" I was curious.
"He cares about you. He hasn't actually told me but I'm his sister and there are just somethings that we know." She was confident.
"He seems to like someone else to." I don't know what it was about the situation but I felt like I could talk to her.
She laughed "You talking about Echo?"
I just nodded.
"You don't have anything to worry about there." Octavia informed me. "But it's good to know you noticed. It tells me that I wasn't wrong."
"I'm still hurting and it wouldn't be fair to Bellamy to try something when I'm not completely ready." This was the first time I admitted out loud that I had feelings for him.
"One day though and I better be the first one you two tell." She ordered.
I smiled at her "you and Raven will be the first to know. She'd kick my ass if she knew I just admitted to you that I have thought about him like that, she's been trying to get me to admit it forever now but I wouldn't."
"Baby steps. Just take baby steps." She smiled then got all serious "but if you hurt him I'll be forced to kick your ass."
"I wouldn't dream of ever hurting him. It's why I haven't acted on my feelings." Now that I finally spoke about my feelings I couldn't seem to shut up.
Octavia's arms were around me pulling me into a hug. "Welcome to the family."
"Your speaking a little soon aren't you?" I questioned.
"You two may need time but I don't." She laughed then released me.
After talking to Octavia I went to look for Bellamy, out of habit I knocked on his door and just opened it again. But this time I was welcomed by a surprise that I don't think I was ready to see yet, Bellamy was in the middle of changing and he stood there in just a pair of jeans.
"I uh… Uh… I" I tried but failed miserably to get anything out so I tried again and the only word I got out was "hospital."
Bellamy looked up and smirked when he saw my reaction. "You alright there?"
I just nodded knowing my face had to be bright red finally I said "sorry."
"It's alright, I don't mind seeing you struggle for words."
As much as I tried not to look at his chest I couldn't help it. I had only noticed one guy before with his shirt off and he looked nothing like the man standing in front of me. To say that Bellamy was muscular was an understatement, I had never saw anything sooo… Oh what's the word? So beautiful.
"You like what you see?" He asked in a joking tone.
"Maybe." I said as I finally met his eyes then I smiled.
His expression was priceless, he hadn't expected me to be so forward and I could tell he was trying to decipher if I was being serious.
We just stood there staring at each other for what seemed like forever. I honestly didn't know if it was incredibly sexy or just weird as hell.
Finally I cleared my throat "you uh about ready to head to the hospital?"
Finally I saw his signature smirk return to his face "yea as soon as I get this peeking tom outta my room."
"Hey I wasn't peeking, I was being very obvious about what I was doing and you weren't complaining." I told him confidently.
"Yea I don't mind a hot blonde checking me out." He chuckled.
"Good cause I wouldn't stop, even if you asked." I winked at him before walking to his door, I looked back at him before making my way out the door "I'm going to grab my gear, meet you back here in 5?"
"Yup."
I walked as quickly as I could back to my room closing the door behind me. I let out a silent scream. I can't believe I had just stared at him like that, what's wrong with me?
I hadn't even realized Raven was in the room until she cleared her throat.
"Sorry didn't know you were in here." I told her as I walked to my bed and sat.
"You looked like you were lost in thought." She observed.
"I think I just made a fool out of myself." I wouldn't lie to her.
"What'd you do now?" She asked with a laugh.
"Oh you know the usual, just pretty much got caught staring at Bellamy like he was a piece of meat." I shrugged my shoulders.
Raven busted out laughing. "So who caught you?"
I looked at her with sad eyes "him."
She jumped up excited "you have it so bad."
"I think I do." I said softly.
Raven's eyes got huge "did you?" she paused "did you really just admit that you have feelings for Bellamy Blake?"
"Ah!" I screamed into my hands "it's too soon Rave."
"You and Murphy have been over for more than 2 months. I think your way past that ready stage." Raven looked at me telling me the same thing she's told me time and time again.
"I get that we've been over for some time now but it doesn't seem to matter." I looked her straight in the eyes "I try each and every day to just put everything behind me but I cant. I still love Murphy. I'm afraid that it won't matter how much time passes, I'll never be fully over him."
"Clarke I get it, he is the first and the only boy you've ever loved." She put her arm around me "you need to decide if you want to go back to him or not. If so you need to make sure you're not leading anyone else on, I see the way you are around Bellamy. There is major chemistry there and not just from your end. I haven't known him a long time but I've gotten to know him well enough to know he don't just let anyone in and obviously he's let you in. If you want to eventually work things out with Murphy you need to stop messing with Bellamy's heart."
"But I'm not…" I sighed "At least I'm not trying to. I'm so confused Raven. I have no idea what to do."
"All I can say is don't wait too long to make your decision. The longer you wait the more invested they both become." I knew I really needed to think about what Raven was saying.
I really thought I couldn't trust Murphy again after learning about what he did but am I really willing to throw away everything because of it?
I heard a light knock on the door and it opened the rest of the way, Bellamy stood there "you ready?"
"Sorry got distracted with girl talk." I put on a forced smile.
"Figured as much. We need to get going." He seemed impatient.
I grabbed my bag off my bed then said "let's get this show on the road."
I followed him down the hallway, down the stairs and we was almost to the door when I heard Echo say "hey you guys going out on a run?"
Bellamy turned around and looked at her "yea gotta get some supplies, you wanna come with?"
I turned and looked at him, I couldn't believe he had just invited Echo.
A huge smile crossed her face "yea let me grab my stuff, give me just a minute."
I thought about keeping my mouth closed but before I knew it the words were coming out "really you're just going to invite others?"
He wouldn't look at me "why does it matter? You want to see if Murphy is free, we can wait on him to."
"Why would you say that?" I didn't know what was going on with him but I wasn't liking it very much.
"It doesn't matter." He said before Echo came running back up. "Let's go."
The entire time we walked I couldn't help but feel like the third wheel, they were in front of me walking side by side talking while I walked behind trying to figure out what had happened in the last 20 minutes. Bellamy almost seemed like he was mad at me.
I couldn't help but feel relieved once we made it to the hospital. I wasn't going to go out of my way to figure out what the problem was, if he had something to say to me than I expected him to be an adult about it and come out and say it.
There was a few of the undead that we had to kill before we made it inside, it wasn't nothing to major. We have been inside the hospital numerous times and even though each time we've been here we kill as many as we can find there is always more. I don't know where they come from but I always expect to find at least a couple and this time was no different. The moment we opened the doors two came right at us but because they were so slow they didn't have a chance.
I'm not trying to brag or anything but I think I've become pretty damn good at killing these already dead things. It's still hard to think I was the person I was when we first got here.
I knew I was acting childish but since Bellamy was acting the way he was I decided to do the same. Once we cleared out what we needed to in the main entrance I just continued without even checking on them. I knew exactly where I needed to go and I didn't need them to get there.
I was almost there when I ran straight into a pack or herd, whatever you call a bunch of zombies together. I was doing the one thing I knew you were never supposed to do, I was walking by myself distracted. I was so worried about what was going on with Bellamy that I wasn't paying attention until it was too late. I knew I was in trouble, this was too many for one person and I had no idea where the other two were.
I attempted to turn and run back the way I came but one was closer than I thought and it came at me pulling me down with it. I kicked my feet and was able to kick it far enough back that I got out of its reach but the others were now right on me. I scrambled backwards trying my hardest to get back to my feet but was unsuccessful. I cried out. I felt myself giving up.
I should have never left without making sure they were right behind me. All that kept going through my head was I was going to die because I let Bellamy get to me. I let my feelings for him get to me. It may have been too late but I realized right then the reason I let him get to me so much was because I really cared for him, more than I had originally thought. I knew I would always feel something for Murphy because he was my first love but just because I still felt something doesn't mean I'm not ready to move on.
"Clarke." I heard Bellamy shouting from behind me.
I don't know how they did it but they made it to me just in time. The moment they made it to my side I jumped up and helped. I felt like such a failure. There's no way I'll ever be able to act like I hadn't just given up.
