Chapter 12
It has been almost two months since my incident with Emori. And it's been the longest two months of my life. I wasn't allowed to leave medical for almost two full weeks and when I was finally able to Nyko was checking in on me daily. His excuse was I was too important to loose but I think it had more to do with he truly thought I had been trying to get myself killed.
I may have been down but I didn't want to die, not anytime soon anyway.
It wasn't until I was out of medic that I finally learned the fate that Emori faced. Raven told me that if it had been up to her she would have gotten rid of the problem right then and there but Bellamy stopped her. I was surprised by that because I figured he would have been right there with Raven. But apparently Bellamy knew I wouldn't have wanted her dead so instead they banished her, if she could keep herself alive then she would live if not then it really didn't matter.
I don't know what it said about me but I didn't care one bit that she had been thrown out. Whether she lived or died really didn't matter to me anymore.
I had finally come to the realization that I wasn't to blame for Murphy's death. Did I factor into it, yes I still believed I did but I now know I didn't firsthand cause it. I now knew that nothing good could have come out of me staying with him when I knew my heart wasn'tin it.
Now that we're two months past the whole incident I finally feel like I'm getting back to myself. I've felt like someone else for so long I almost forgot what it felt like to be me.
I've seen Bellamy on a regular basis but only as a friend. After everything that happened I just didn't feel it was a good time to start something new and he agreed.
The only outings we had once the cold hit was to get extra wood to keep the fireplaces running. Another big difference was in the winter months we tried to keep everyone together as much as possible so we wouldn't have to be using so many of the fireplaces. All the main areas in the house had become designated sleep rooms along with my bedroom and my parent's old room. They were the two biggest bedrooms so including those we had four rooms that everyone piled in to sleep. It was awkward but it worked.
I was up roaming the halls which had become something normal for me. Ever since the incident sleeping at night had been a little difficult. It wasn't like I had nightmares or anything but sleep just never came.
I walked around the lower level of the house, knowing deep down exactly what I was looking for, or should I say who. I'd never admit it but I started enjoying spending the late nights with a certain someone who was usually on guard at night. I was almost to the entry of the house when I heard more than one voice speaking in hushed tones.
I quietly rounded the corner and when I saw who was sitting there next to Bellamy my heart sank. I stood there, trying not to eavesdrop but knowing that was the exact reason I was still standing there.
"I bet you're getting worked up being cooped up in this house every day." Echo said obviously flirting.
Bellamy let out a light laugh "you have no idea how right you are."
"Oh I bet I know exactly how you feel. Don't forget you're not the only one who's used to being out there." Echo was obviously using the, we were both in the service so were so much alike, to try and get with Bellamy once again. But I knew he would refuse her again.
"I do forget that sometimes." He turned and finally looked at her for the first time since I had been watching "I'm so use to it just being me and Miller."
"At least you had a safe place to go pretty much from the time this shit happened. I wasn't so lucky. I was stuck out here. Afraid that every day would be my last." She sat her hand on his thigh. "But when I met your sister, I finally had hope that I may actually survive this."
I really thought Bellamy would move away from her right about now or at least remove her hand from his leg, but he didn't. "I'm glad you and O found each other. I don't know what I would've done if something would've happened to her."
"You know she talked so much about you. I felt like I already knew you before I ever did." She slowly rubbed her hand further and further up his thigh as she talked.
"Echo." Finally he placed his hand on top of hers. "I'll never be able to show you just how much I appreciate everything you did. But not like this, I'm sorry but I'm just not interested in you like that."
A huge grin crossed my face. That's what I had been waiting for.
Echo laughed "Oh Bellamy I'm not asking you to be my boyfriend. I know that you're not currently seeing anyone and well neither am I. So I don't see the harm in us letting off some steam together. It's not like it'll mean anything."
I watched in horror as Bellamy seemed to actually be debating this. I knew technically we weren't together but I couldn't imagine either of us hooking up with someone else.
Echo stood from her chair taking a step toward Bellamy then straddled him. He didn't try to push her away. "You can't deny that you want me right now."
I should've walked away right then. Ignorance is bliss right. I remember always hearing that saying growing up. I never truly understood it until that moment. Not knowing what was about to happen would be a lot easier for me to handle then actually knowing that it did. I should have walked away, I shouldn't have kept watching but I did. I watched through the first kiss. I watched as the clothes were shed. I even watched as they started but that's when I finally took my eyes from them. I turned around and walked away.
It's not like I could really blame him. He'd been waiting so long for me and when he finally thought things were finally moving in the right direction they were slammed down by Murphy's death and then Emori trying to kill me. The thought of Bellamy being with someone else hurt but I knew this was something else that I would make it through. I was starting to wonder if everything that's happened is karma. Until I met Murphy I was a pretty shitty person. I may have changed but there are years in my past that I have to make up for. I guess slowly I am.
The upcoming weeks I acted like nothing was wrong and somehow everyone believed me. If the world wasn't what it was today maybe I could have become an actress. I still hung out with Bellamy everyday like I didn't have the images from the night etched in my brain. Sleeping was even harder now then it was before but I was also able to keep that hidden.
Bellamy asked me on several occasions why I hadn't come to see him at night anymore and without even trying I lied so easily to him, telling him that I had finally been able to get some sleep at night. He actually seemed a little sad but the moment the expression hit his face he covered it with excitement for me.
Raven knew I was still having the sleep problems, she was a little harder to lie to since she was one of the many bodies that slept in my room. I just asked her to keep it to herself. I made a pretty believable argument telling her that I was afraid that I was leading Bellamy on, making him think that I was ready sooner than I actually was. She didn't ask again.
I hated that I had become such a good liar but I knew it had to be done. It was better to keep this to myself.
It was going on about 6 weeks of keeping up this charade when Octavia pulled me into the guesthouse that she and Lincoln shared with the others that had come with her.
"Sit." Octavia ordered.
I followed her instructions, what else was I gonna do?
She stood staring at me. She paced back and forth before finally saying "I know you know."
I looked at her in confusion "Know what?"
She sighed before sitting in front of me. "About Echo and Bellamy."
I widen my eyes in surprise "how do you know?"
"No one can keep things from me." She said suspiciously then shook her head "Echo came running to me afterwards."
"So you've known the whole time?" I asked her.
She nodded "but it wasn't until recently that I started thinking you knew as well."
"I've also known the whole time." I looked down at the floor trying to keep my emotions in check.
"How'd you find out? I threatened Echo not to breathe a word of it." When I looked back up to her I saw her staring at me curiously.
I took a deep breath "I saw them."
"How'd you not beat the shit out her right then and there?" Octavia seemed like she was getting worked up.
I shrugged my shoulders "he's not mine. He's free to do whatever he wants."
"But I thought you two were moving in that direction?"
"We were. Actually we were there before everything happened with Murphy and Emori." I sighed "I shut down after that, he seemed to be understanding but I'm guessing he got tired of waiting."
"I don't get it." Octavia pretty much screamed "I've never seen my brother with anyone like he is with you. I can't see him just giving up all that time that he's already waited."
"I don't know what to tell you Octavia." I would also like to know that answer but I don't expect it "I watched and she didn't force him to do anything. He was into it just as much as she was."
She cleared her throat "did you watch it all?"
I couldn't help but let out a little laugh "more than I should have."
"Clarke why would you do that to yourself?" She took my hands in hers.
"I don't know. I felt so mad and so hurt but I couldn't move. Even though I didn't want to watch him put his hands on her, I didn't want to see him kiss her, I couldn't look away." I felt the tears falling.
Octavia wrapped her arms around me and pulled me to her. "He's an asshole. If you want I can kick his ass for you."
Her statement actually made he laugh "he didn't do anything wrong. So there's no reason to do him any bodily harm."
"We must think very differently because in my mind he did something very wrong." Octavia said in my hair as she still held me.
"Can you do me a favor?" I asked her and felt her nod "Don't say anything to him. I don't want him to know that I know. He has actually become a pretty good friend and I don't want to lose that."
"I've held it this long so you don't have to worry about me saying a word."
"Thank you."
As I walked out of the guesthouse and back into the main house I just had to pass Echo. I smiled in her direction but just kept walking. I didn't miss the smile she had plastered on her face. When I reached my room a let out a sigh of relief that I didn't see Bellamy on my way over. But that was crushed the moment I opened the door and saw him sitting on my bed.
"What are you doing?" I asked still standing in the doorway.
"Well I came to talk to you but you seem to have another life I don't know about. You've been gone for hours." He joked around.
I matched his smile "maybe I do. Wouldn't you like to know?"
He chuckled "well the weather will be breaking in the next couple weeks so were thinking of starting to get groups set to get our supplies restocked."
"That's a good idea. I've noticed we've been running low on things. Especially in medical." I couldn't help but think the medical part was partially because of me.
"Well were thinking of having four groups and after talking with Miller. We thought it would be a good idea if you lead a group yourself. Thought you could lead the group to restock your medical supplies." I didn't miss that Bellamy seemed like he was having a hard time getting this out.
"You sure you both agreed or was this Miller?" I asked curiously.
Bellamy sighed "I don't like the idea of you being out there without me."
I looked up and met his eyes the moment he stood. He started walking over to me and I had the urge to run away but I kept my feet planted.
"You know I can take care of myself." I finally said.
He nodded "I know you can, but I will still worry."
He stopped inches in front of me. He looked like he wanted to touch me but he never did. He sighed and walked past me. That was the first time since he and Echo hooked up that he looked guilty. I wasn't sure what it meant exactly but I had a feeling that the friendship that I'd been trying to keep intact may be hitting a bump sooner that I would like it to.
I hope you don't hate me for that...
