Chapter 21

Hurting Bellamy was the hardest thing I've ever had to do and that's saying something after everything I've had to do since the start of this zombie apocalypse. Even though this wasn't what I wanted, I knew it's what needed to be done. If Colonel Kane keeps his word and Bellamy and our people stay safe, it'll be worth the hurt.

It'd been two months since coming back to the base. Two months of slowly hurting Bellamy and spending as much time as possible with John to keep up our "relationship". I knew what the next step was, and I wasn't ready, but I knew it was time. I knew the guards have been giving Bellamy information about me and John and the time has finally come that I'd admit my "feelings" about him.

I sighed before walking in. Plastered a fake smile on my face and walked to Bellamy's now nicer cell.

"Hey" I said as I approached the cell.

He looked rough, not as bad as he did when he was first brought in but still not good.

"You look nice." He noticed I was dressed up right away.

"You think so? I'm actually meeting John after I leave here." I said like it was no big deal.

"So, you dressed up for John?" He didn't sound very happy.

"Uh... No... That's not what I meant." I purposely stumbled over my words.

"Is there something going on between you two?" He didn't hold his tongue, he came right out with it.

"No." I said a little higher pitched than normal "we're just really good friends"

"Don't lie to me Clarke. I've seen the way your face lights up when you talk about him." Just hearing Bellamy's voice break almost made me lose it.

"I'm not lying. Nothing has happened between us." I took a deep breath then finally said "but there's something there. I can feel it, I think he can to. But neither of us has acted on it because of you."

My heart broke saying these things to him. I just had to keep reminding myself this was the only way I could save his life.

He just stood there, not saying a word.

"I'm sorry." And that I really meant.

"You know they're never going to release me, right?" He sounded like he had finally started giving up.

"Yeah, I do." That was the first time I'd agreed with him.

When our eyes met that time, I knew that was it. He was ready to let me go.

"He's a good guy Clarke. I'm glad it's him, at least I know he'll take care of you." I had never heard him sound so depressed.

"Bellamy, this." I waved a hand between us "isn't over. I... I… love you."

I couldn't hold back the tears, I knew this was it.

"And because I care about you I need you to move on."

"I can't."

"Yes, you can, and you will." He had so much power in his voice "I have no choice but to rot in here, but you have a choice and you can be happy again. I need you to be happy again."

"No one can ever compare to you." I sniffled.

"That may be the truth, but I need you to try. Can you do that for me?"

I nodded "I'll try."

Bellamy took a deep breath before continuing "and can you do one more thing for me?"

"Anything." And that was the truth I would do anything for the man standing in front of me.

"Don't come back here."

"Bellamy." His words hurt, even though that was my plan. I wasn't ready yet.

He backed away from the bars "it'll be easier, for both of us."

I felt the tears freely falling. "I love you Bellamy and I'll never forget you."

"I truly never thought I could care for someone the way I do you. Take care Clarke, go live your life."

"Make sure you do the same. I'll do as you asked but promise me you'll never let your feelings for me hold you back." I knew I shouldn't have said anything, but I couldn't help it.

He looked confused "I don't know what you mean."

"just promise me, you don't need to know."

"I promise."

I walked up to the bars and put my arm through it motioning for him to come closer. He took my hand and we just stared into each other's eyes at first then I pulled him closer. I needed one final kiss.

I turned without looking back and walked out. The moment I was on the outside I broke down. I couldn't do this, it hurt so damn much.

I didn't know anyone was there until I felt their arms around me. I expected it to be John but was surprised to see my dad.

"What's the matter baby?" He asked.

"It's done. I'm never going to see him again." I cried out on his shoulder.

"You didn't want this?" He was trying to understand.

"Of course I didn't want it, but it had to be done. There wasn't any other way."

"I think what you did was very brave and selfless. I know your protecting Bellamy and the others."

I picked my head up to look at my dad "You know?"

"I suspected for a while now. I confronted Marcus a few weeks ago." He wiped the tears from my cheeks "you saved his life."

"I know and all I had to do was break not only his heart but my own as well."

"But at least he'll be alive because of you."

I sighed "sometimes I wish that I would have just told Marcus to shove his offer up his ass and just run away. But I knew he'd never stop until we were caught, and everyone would be in danger. I just wanted to be selfish, but I knew I couldn't."

"You've grown so much."

"Not by choice."

That night was by far the hardest for me. Knowing that I'd never get to see him again was really starting to sink in. Before I knew it, I was starting to fall into a state of depression. My heart hurt so much.

John came by each day and just sat with me. He didn't force me to talk.

A month came and went.

When I saw Marcus walk through my door I knew it was something serious.

"I'm sorry that your hurting Clarke. But it was either this or he would have died. You need to keep that in mind." He spoke like it was no big deal.

"You know what Marcus. Go to hell. He didn't hurt you or this shit place. The only thing he did was take the people out of here that didn't want to be here." I hadn't meant to yell at him, but I couldn't help it.

"He stole our firearms."

"That may have been the case but that's something you had plenty of. Think about what he saved this place. The food, the water, medicine. All the other resources." I finally stood for the first time in a week "you're nothing but a bully but I guess it makes sense, so is my mom. If you guys don't get your way you use your power to do it anyway."

He just stared at me.

"If you have nothing else to say you can go now. I did my part, so I'm done with you."

He stood and walked to the door "I actually came by to tell you that I kept up my side. Bellamy is gone, and he has no reason to worry about us unless he comes back."

I didn't respond. I couldn't. He was really gone. And I was stuck here.

"Go." I screamed at him.

The moment I was alone I completely broke down.

Growing up I never really experienced any kind of lost. My dad leaving us was the hardest thing I'd ever been through.

I honestly didn't know if I could do this anymore. Ever since this damn apocalypse I have lost pretty much everything that ever meant anything to me. Now I'm stuck in a place that I don't want to be around a whole bunch of people I don't want to see. These aren't my people.

My people. I never really thought I could call anyone that but that's exactly what they are. They are my people and I am theirs and now because of my bright idea to help Emori I have lost them. I have lost everything that means anything to me.

Hours past, really, I had no idea how long I laid there when I heard a knock on the door. I didn't move, I didn't say a word, I just continued to lay there hoping whoever it was would go away. But when I heard the door open I turned to see Emori standing there. She didn't wait to be invited in, she let herself in and shut the door behind her.

She sat there silently for a few minutes before finally saying "I'm sorry."

I didn't acknowledge her.

She sighed "I know this is all my fault. If it wouldn't have been for me, you would've never came here and he wouldn't have followed you. I know we've had our problems, but I'd never wish this on you. You don't deserve to lose him to."

Finally, I turned over in the bed, so I could look at her.

"You have no idea how much I wish we could just go back. All I had to do is tell you I didn't want to come here and none of this would have happened." I have never seen Emori this sincere.

"It's not your fault." Were the only words I could get out.

I knew how that guilt could eat you up inside and I didn't want her having that on her.

"I know I'm not the one who physically killed him, but I can't help but feel partially responsible." She had so much pain in her voice.

"How did you… Uh… How'd you hear about him dying?" I asked her.

"They did it publicly for everyone to see. I kind of figured that's why you've been locked up in your room again." She shook her head "It was obvious they wanted to do it publicly, so everyone would see they won't deal with traitors."

My mind was racing. How could they publicly execute him when I was promised he would be released. I understood they couldn't publicly release him back on the outside, but I just figured they would have just done it quietly and just been done with it.

"How'd they…" I took a deep breath "How'd they, do it?"

I felt the new tears building up.

She shrugged her shoulders "honestly I'm not completely sure, it looked like some kind of injection. Your mom was the one that administered it."

The anger was building up. I needed to talk to Colonel Kane. Or my mom. Or both. I needed to make sure he really hadn't been executed.

I sat up. "I gotta go."

Emori looked surprised. "Where are you gonna go?"

"I need to see my mom." I said quickly.

"You didn't know, did you?" She seemed to pick up on my actions.

I didn't respond. I walked past her and out of the room. Leaving her staring after me.

At first, I started heading toward my mom's quarters but at the last moment I changed courses. I knew I wouldn't get any answers from her. I needed to speak with Marcus. I walked straight toward his quarters knowing the guards would not be happy for me, a civilian, trespassing. But at this moment I didn't care.

It took a little longer than I expected to be seen by one of the guards but the moment I was he pulled his weapon on me. "Stop right where you are. You have entered a restricted area. Please turn around now."

I looked at him and tried my hardest to not be a complete bitch "I know exactly where I am. I know that I am not supposed to be here, but do I look like a give a shit? I need to speak with Colonel Kane. Either you can run off and let me continue on my way or you can radio your boss and tell him Clarke Griffin needs to see him. Either way I will be speaking with him."

The guard just stared at me and I took that for him refusing to radio him, so I took back off walking.

"Miss Griffin please stop. I will radio him." He seemed uneasy about the choices I gave him, but I didn't care.

He took a step away from me, took his walkie out and the only thing I could imagine was that he was contacting The Colonel. He never took his eyes off me as he spoke into the walkie.

Once he put the walkie away he walked back my way and said "continue on your way. He will be waiting."

I didn't say another word to him. I just continued the way I was headed and saw Marcus was true to his word, he was waiting for me outside his quarters. He opened the door as I approached but didn't say a word.

I walked inside, he followed.

"What do I owe this visit Miss Griffin?" He sounded annoyed.

"I just want to make sure you really did keep our end of the deal. I have heard some very uneasy news going around and that's not sitting very well with me." I got right to the point.

"I can assure you I did." He didn't elaborate.

"How the hell am I supposed to believe that? You think I would've been given a heads up or something." I finally let the anger start seeping once again.

"When I came to see you earlier I was going to tell you, but you were in no state of mind to hear it then. I was going to give you a few days before attempting to speak with you again."

"I don't understand. How could it not have happened when the entire base saw it happened?" I wasn't understanding.

"It's why we did the injection. I switched the syringes. Bellamy was not killed. I just needed everyone to think he was including your mother. It sent a message to everyone else here that you'll be sentenced to death if you leave without permission." Marcus paused for a moment "also I used the injection to my advantage as well with Bellamy."

I looked at him confused "what'd you mean?"

"If he comes back here the only explanation for his survival would be your mother. If he returns, she will die."

It took me a minute to understand exactly what he meant but I when I did, it made sense. No one would ever believe Kane was behind him surviving the execution. The blame would be put on my mom, the doctor who performed the execution, the mother of the girl who loved him.

I nodded, letting him know I understood.

Everything made complete sense now. He used us against each other. He knew neither of us would go against the deal because it put others in danger.

I took a deep breath "thank you for sparing him."

I don't know why I thanked him. It was because of him that we're no longer together. But it's also because of him that Bellamy is not dead.

I had no idea what I'd do after this.

I guess I'd live day by day and hope like hell that one day the pain starts fading.