PHANTOM LIMB
"My regrets are many, true,
Still so much worse lies ahead for you.
Ego pulverised,
No better medicine,
Angels have been advised,
Don't want no requiem,"
"Upset? I'm not upset!" Ashfur spat. Squirrelflight wasn't sure if the tom's eyes were clouded with rage or grief. "You don't know how much pain I'm in! It's like being cut open every single day, bleeding onto the stones. I don't know how none of you have seen the blood..."
The smoke billowed around them, the fire surrounding them hungrily licking away at trees and bushes and devouring them all. The heat was unbearable and suffocating.
The speckled tom was blocking her way to her kits, his eyes piercing her soul. They held a longing in them, but it wasn't the same they held when they were young warriors. It was a different, darker longing. Ashfur wanted her to suffer.
Squirrelflight hadn't given birth to Jayfeather, Lionblaze, and Hollyleaf but she still felt the same fear and panic any mother would. She had raised them since their birth; as far as she was concerned they were her kits.
Her green eyes flickered between them and Ashfur. She could just see them over his shoulder, their eyes alight with hysteria. They were warriors, just as brave and as courageous as any of their Clanmates, yet so terribly afraid. Her kits didn't know what to do, they hadn't been trained for this; they needed their mother more than ever.
The dark ginger she-cat would have had a tough time fighting Ashfur under normal circumstances. He was more physically powerful than she was, and with the fire raging around them? The speckled gray cat could easily throw her into the inferno.
Squirrelflight knew she had to ignore her mind screaming at her to protect her kits and secret at all costs, no matter how loud it shouted she had to drown it out. Suppress it. She had to talk Ashfur down, clear the angry haze in his mind.
The lives of Jayfeather, Lionblaze, and Hollyleaf depended on it.
Ashfur's head turned briefly towards her kits, "I'll hurt you like you hurt me." He turned back to Squirrelflight. She could see now the venom in his eyes, hear it dripping from every word he spoke. "A mother's nothing without her kits, is she?"
He turned away from her, his tail lashing as he clambered up onto the trunk of the tree. It was supposed to help the three young cats on the other side to cross over - Ashfur had other ideas.
The she-cat felt alarm shoot through her and her heart beat against her chest like it wanted to break out. The easygoing warrior who loved her in their youth was gone, replaced by a bitter tom with a need for revenge. If she didn't do something, he would surely slaughter them.
"Enough, Ashfur, enough!" she cried out, "your fight's with me, right? My kits haven't done anything to hurt you. I'm the one you want, not them!"
Squirrelflight took a step closer.
"Stay put!" snarled Ashfur. "You're going to know what it feels like to suffer - suffer like I did!"
The dark ginger she-cat flinched, fear paralysing her. If she allowed herself to react with hostility, then the situation could turn from bad to worse. Squirrelflight could feel anger building up inside her, made only stronger by the maternal instinct roaring inside her. She could feel it clawing away at her mind, scraping at her judgment so that all she was impulse and instincts. Squirrelflight had to suppress these emotions.
"You're as blind as Jayfeather is! How couldn't you see how you hurt me!?" the speckled cat went on. "I tried to show you once and failed, but this time I'll do it right!"
Confusion set over Squirrelflight. "What do you mean you tried once?"
"Who do you think sent Firestar down to the lake, with the fox trap there?" Ashfur scorned. "I wanted him to die, so you would know what real pain felt like."
Everything made sense in that moment. Ashfur had been conspiring for moons upon moons, finding ways to try and make her miserable. He had been a distant and cold mentor to Lionblaze because he was her kit. He had tried to kill her father and was now going to kill her kits.
All because Ashfur was rejected.
Squirrelflight began shaking. Not from fear or from shock - but from fury. This tom, this selfish monster, had been terrorising her kin because he had been told 'no' and was convinced he was justified in his actions.
The dark ginger she-cat couldn't contain her feelings anymore. "You won't hurt my kits!" she screamed with a furious howl. She pounced on Ashfur, her claws sinking into his shoulders.
"You mousebrain! You're going to-"
"-Protect my kits!" Squirrelflight spat. With all her strength, she threw the speckled tom off of the log and down into the fire. Ashfur hadn't expected it, struggling in vain to grip the bark before he fell into the flames. As soon as he hit the ground, his pelt caught fire and it quickly enveloped his body. He was left a figure made of fire, dying as his flesh melted and bubbled.
Squirrelflight ignored the toms howls of pain and his promises of vengeance, shouting over him to her kits, "Come on! We need to leave!"
After a moment of stunned silence, the three cats nodded. Squirrelflight could see in their eyes that the ordeal had spooked them, even more so with Ashfur's screams of agony. Truthfully, it made her blood run cold too. "Just focus on me, okay? Don't look at anything else but me," she ordered, trying her best to keep her tone level and calm for their sake.
Soon enough, her kits made their way safely over to the other side. As they ran, Squirrelflight took a quick glance over her shoulder. She saw Ashfur, a quivering heap in the fire, giving her the most venomous glare. The fire may have blinded him, or maybe he was in his final moments, but she felt as if he saw staring into her soul and shredding it to ribbons.
That was the last time she saw Ashfur.
Moons had passed since the fire and things had returned to normal for Squirrelflight. Mostly, anyways. The news of Ashfur's demise had shocked the Clan, which was to be expected. She had told ThunderClan about his intentions that fateful night along with his undetected treachery, though some cats found it hard to accept.
Squirrelflight looked over towards the nursery, seeing that Ferncloud was basking in the sunlight. Her expression was melancholic as she stared off into space. She felt a stab of pity for the queen. She couldn't accept what her brother had become or how he allowed such venom to consume him. The dark ginger she-cat couldn't blame her. If it turned out Leafpool had done heinous things, she doubted she could face the reality.
Ferncloud must have felt her watching, turning her head to meet Squirrelflight's gaze. The warrior quickly looked away, feeling the queen's eyes on her like thorns in her pelt. She didn't believe anyone could fault her for her actions, but StarClan, did she feel guilty for hurting Ferncloud.
The she-cat entered the medicine-cat den quickly, wanting to get out of Ferncloud's sight. Her nose was hit by the strong scent of herbs, surrounding her in its aroma. Squirrelflight was always fond of it, strongly associating it with her kin. Inside was Leafpool and Jayfeather, hard at work.
The blind tom's ears pricked up, showing he was aware of her presence. Her sister turned to face her, offering a small smile.
Squirrelfight did feel guilt for murdering Ashfur if only because of the suffering those close to him were enduring right now, but the weight on her shoulders become lighter when seeing the tom she raised. Knowing that the secret of his true heritage and the tom himself was safe, made it feel worth it.
"Squirrelflight, what can we do for you?" the tabby-and-white she-cat asked.
The warrior responded, "I was just coming for a visit."
"Well then, hello," Jayfeather murmured, "and now you've visited, so goodbye."
Squirrelflight cuffed the tom over the ears. "Don't talk to your mother like that," she scolded him lightly. The gray tom flinched, opening his mouth to make another quip but she spoke first. "Do you have something to add, Jayfeather?" she challenged.
He huffed, "Nothing."
"Mhm, I thought so," Squirrelflight murmured, giving him a small lick on the ear. She couldn't have been more proud of her kit. Being a medicine-cat wasn't his first choice, as he had been stubbornly chasing after his dream of being a warrior until he realised he was naturally talented in what was now his occupation.
Hollyleaf had the same situation, though she came through with opposite results. So they switched places. At the time, Squirrelflight had been impressed by their maturity in realising what they were good at and following that - even if it wasn't what they initially wanted.
Lionblaze turned out to be a fine warrior, maybe even the best despite his mentor being Ashfur.
Just the thought of the speckled warrior made her fur stand on end. Even though he was gone, it was as if he never truly left. Every time she closed her eyes, she remembered back to the fire where his hateful gaze was still locked on her. Sometimes, the dark ginger she-cat had nightmares about what could have been if she hadn't killed him.
Suddenly, Jayfeather spoke. "Are you alright, Squirrelflight?"
The she-cat was suddenly brought back to reality. She forgot how sensitive Jayfeather was to the emotions of other cats, even if he was a prickly pelt all the time. "Oh me? I'm fine," she lied.
"Are you sure?" Leafpool asked, her eyes glittering with concern. In a low voice, she added, "We can talk about it in private, if you want."
Silently, Squirrelflight nodded. Perhaps if she talked to her sister, then the memory of Ashfur would stop haunting her. They left the medicine-cat den and found somewhere quiet.
The tabby-and-white she-cat sat down in front of her sister, her tail curling around her paws. "What's wrong, Squirrelflight?" Leafpool softly asked.
"It's just-" the dark ginger she-cat sighed. "I keep thinking about the fire; it's like it's stuck in my head."
Leafpool nuzzled her. "It's okay, it's okay," she soothed gently. "It was… a really hard decision to make, but you didn't really have a choice."
The warrior could see that she didn't really think that, but she couldn't blame her sister. Leafpool was a medicine-cat, she thought of things differently.
Squirrelflight nodded. "I know, but I look at Ferncloud and Cloudtail and I see what I've done to them. Everything Ashfur's done, his death... it must have hit them like a monster," she sighed.
The tabby-and-white she-cat blinked sympathetically. Suddenly, she looked around before whispering, "Do they know?"
Quickly, the dark ginger she-cat shook her head. "No, that's why I had to kill Ashfur; so they wouldn't find out."
The medicine-cat shifted uncomfortably. "I… I think there would have been an easier way," she admitted.
The warrior met her gaze. She felt a flare of anger within her, but she kept it subdued. This was neither the time or place to be angry. All Squirrelflight had to do was tell Leafpool how she was wrong, her voice low. "Listen, Leafpool. Ashfur would have killed them just so he could get to me. If I told him that they weren't my kits, why would that stop him? I still raised them and that's all that matters. He would've killed them!"
Squirrelflight felt a shiver suddenly run down her spine. The air around her turned cold, frigid even. The she-cat felt like someone or something was staring at her, a hateful glare burning through her pelt. She turned around, scanning their surroundings. Out of the corner of her eye, Squirrelflight saw a figure. It was a gray speckled tom. The blood in her veins went cold, her pelt bristled. It couldn't be him, could it?
When she blinked, the figure disappeared.
"Squirrelflight?" Leafpool mewed.
She snapped back to reality. "Oh! Did you say something?" the dark ginger she-cat asked.
The medicine-cat slowly shook her head. "No, it's just that you look like you saw a ghost. Are you okay?" she asked tentatively.
"...I'm fine," responded Squirrelflight, "Just tired, that's all." To emphasise her point, she yawned. The warrior then gave her sister a loving nuzzle, bidding her farewell before she retired to the warriors den. That night, Squirrelflight dreamt. Perhaps 'dreamt' was a word too kind to describe the reality.
The she-cat jolted awake, finding herself in a familiar place which filled her with dread. It was the scene of the fire - the night she killed Ashfur. Except she wasn't surrounded by the raging infernos so brilliantly burned into her mind. They were out. The terrain around her was smouldering, dark embers floating in the air. Everything was covered in soot and ash if it wasn't burned black. The baked earth underneath her paws was warm, uncomfortably so.
The air in ashen forest was dead. There was no wind, no prey, nothing. The only sound present was Squirrelflight's uneven breathing. She didn't like this; something was wrong. It was a nightmare, she acknowledged that, but her terror still filled her being.
"Are you proud of what you did?" a voice sneered.
Squirrelflight's heart stopped, her eyes widened, and her pelt bristled. Slowly, she turned to face the owner of the voice and there he stood; Ashfur. His patchy pelt was covered in ash, parts of his scarred and melted flesh exposed to the air, and his eyes held as much venom as the night he died.
"The heartbreak wasn't enough, was it?" Ashfur leered. "You just had to let me burn alive for good measure."
"I don't have to justify myself to a fox-heart like you!" she objected. She repeated over and over again in her heard that it was just a nightmare, that she would wake up soon.
The tom began to move forward. "I hate you so, so much - but you did me a favour. Since I died, I've been stuck here. I didn't go to StarClan or the Dark Forest, so obviously I've got some unfinished business with you."
Ashfur was close enough to where it made Squirrelflight anxious. She took a step back, her hostile gaze fixed on him. "So that's what I'm doing to sort out, I'll take everything you ever loved away from you!" the tom hissed, pouncing on Squirrelflight.
The she-cat quickly pushed him off before he could do anything damage. She ducked under his swing along with his follow up. Ashfur may have been bigger than her, but he was slow and sluggish in his movements. With all of her strength, Squirrelflight bowled him over.
"This time, stay dead!" she bellowed, slitting open his throat.
Ashfur's eyes widened in shock as he began to choke, his eyes staring directly into the she-cat's soul. In her mind's eye, she could see his gaze from the night of the fire and she shivered. Suddenly, a smile slowly crept up onto his muzzle.
"You mousebrain," he weakly laughed, "you actually did it."
"Of course I did, any cat would." Snarled Squirrelflight.
"Did you even consider how easily you just 'killed' me? You couldn't best me in a real fight. I wanted this, Squirrelflight."
Her features twisted in confusion as dread slowly crept into her heart, like a fox stalking its prey. Why would he want her to kill him? Ashfur couldn't gain anything from dying a second time if he wasn't a product of her nightmare anyways. Which is all he was, she told herself. The world around them then suddenly began to fall apart. The sky darkened as the trees and ashen waste began to liquidate into nothing.
But Ashfur's dying body stayed, his pelt changed colour as his scars seemed to miraculously heal. The shifting body suddenly became recognisable and her despair overtook her. "Nonononononono..." she sobbed. Her heart was beating madly against her ribs, like a bird that wanted so badly to break free.
She was back in the warriors den, surrounded by fellow cats who all wore the same shocked expression. Their eyes were fixated on her and their mouths agape, all of them filled with denial if they weren't still processing the scene they just woken up to. She felt the same, mentally screaming that this was just another part of the nightmare. This wasn't reality, she refused to accept it!
Even now, as Brambleclaw's betrayed gaze was fixed on her and blood pooled from his cut throat and the corners of his mouth. Squirrelflight refused to believe it. "S-Squirrelflight?" he weakly mewled.
"I said I would take everything I loved from you, didn't I?" Ashfur's cruel voice came from somewhere, though it felt like he was right beside her, breathing in her ear. "I suppose I should've said that you would."
Aaaaand there we have it after a near enough three month long hiatus. Due to college and then a family grievance I lost some interest in writing and now hopefully I'm back at it again and under a new name because I started to dislike the old one.
Sorry for the long wait for this, but hopefully a nearly 3000 word oneshot should make up for it. The best part of this one, imo is that it deviates from the formula starting to emerge in these oneshots so it's a breath of fresh air and hopefully I'll be able to pump out some more oneshots that break the mould like this one!
