The Lost but not Forgotten
16 April 2007
Timeline: Rizenbul, Edward has stepped out of the outdoor shower and Winry confronts him about the 'note' engraved into the lid of his pocket-watch.
Disclaimer: I do not own Full Metal Alchemist, although I really wish I did. Being poor, I cannot afford to pay for your emotional therapy should you find my work distressing in any way.
Rating: PG
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"It's because you won't cry that I cry for you," Winry sniffled.
Edward Elric looked down at the pocket watch in his hand, guilty at having made his dearest friend cry. The wind blew softly, chilling the water still dripping from his hair and skin but he ignored it.
Closing his auto-mail hand carefully around the intricately crafted status symbol, he asked softly, "Does it bother you that Al and I have returned?"
Winry's eyes widened at the question. She understood, of course she did, for no one knew Edward Elric any better than Winry Rockbell, save for Ed's brother Alphonse. Not even Colonel Roy Mustang could truly fathom this young man of a child prodigy.
Edward worried that returning to Rizenbul, as he had promised himself not to, re-awakened memories for Winry and Aunt Pinako that he and his brother did not wish them to bother themselves with. Hell, they didn't want to remember either. So much for promising never to return…
"No!" she exclaimed vehemently, stepping forward to lay a hand on his auto-mail arm.
Ed glanced quickly up at her, noting that she, the only one who ever did, did not flinch at the chill of his fake limb. She, his mechanic, would never consider his prosthetic as anything less than part of the Edward he had become since that stormy night years ago he had been brought to her and her aunt incomplete and bloody.
"I… we missed you. We never thought that you would not come back, never mind you burned your house down. We are your home now Ed, Aunt Pinako and I." She tilted her head at him, a ghost of a smile, flitting across her lips. Ed figured she was aiming for reassuring but the actual expression seemed somewhere nearer forlorn and sad. "You can come home to us, if not the house you grew up in."
Ed looked away, his eyes seeking the landscape of rolling hills and grassy lands between where he stood and the horizon. This really was his home, house or not, Winry and Pinako or not. That really would never change, would it? He had been born here. Alphonse had been born here. Here, they had taken their first steps into becoming the infamous brothers they were today. Shit, he thought, I am never going to escape this place.
Frowning a little, he looked back over at Winry. She had pulled her hand back; it curled on her chest above her sternum. He wondered when she had pulled away, when it was that she had curled her shoulders this way looking so defeated and worried.
For him.
"Winry," he muttered, "I don't have to come back anymore after this."
Tears came to her eyes and Ed wondered if she perhaps might be relieved. He would be, were he in her shoes. He could understand it if a peaceful civilian saw no more of his face, would suffer no more of the calamity and crises he brought down around him on a weekly basis. Heck, if he could escape himself, he would. He just wanted the damn Stone and this would all be—
"You're such an idiot!"
"Huh?" Ed started violently, blinking. She had such a way of exploding sometimes that even he, with his tuned battle senses, could not always anticipate her tempers. Well, anyone female and he always lost all sense of how to deal with them…
"You think that leaving is going to make things better?!" Winry asked, red creeping up her neck and into her ears. Uh oh. "You think never coming back is going to stop making me miss you or worry about you?!"
The colour bloomed across her cheeks and Ed knew he was in real trouble this time. He put up his hands and grinned sheepishly, making placating gestures but Winry Rockbell was having none of it. As even her forehead turned a dull red, Ed began to back away.
"You idiot!" She repeated loudly, clenching both fists at her sides, advancing. Ed found himself eternally grateful they hadn't had this conversation as she'd worked on his auto-mail earlier… when she'd have had tools near at hand for ammunition.
He backed warily away, "Winry…?"
"How can you even think that after everything I just said?" She shook her head and huffed with annoyed disbelief. "You really have no idea, do you? Edward," she waved a finger under his nose, "I always thought you knew when to back away from something but I didn't think you had descended so far all the way to cowardice." She smirked evilly, "For you, that is too low…"
Edward saw red. He yelled back, "Who are you calling smaller than an auto-mail bolt?!!"
"Your brain is smaller than an auto-mail bolt!" She shouted, throwing her hands up into the air. "Aunt Pinako and I love both you and Al, Edward!! Do you remember how much? Do you even remember what our love IS?"
Ed paused, anger fading. He suddenly felt rather embarrassed…
"How dare you insult us by saying we would be better off without you!!" Winry snarled. "You think you're being all noble and heroic!! But all you're really doing is running away!"
Ed looked away.
"I am your auto-mail mechanic! You can't not see me ever again! And forget about what happens after you get Alphonse's body back, when you don't need my auto-mail anymore," Winry warned. "Did you ever even think about that? Because where are you going after you're done with that mission of yours?!"
Ed stiffened, glad he had looked away earlier and not at that question. It hit him then, really, the end truth of it all. He was to blame. His selfishness had started all of this, had made them do what they had done that terrible night. It was because of him they started this journey, the reason Al had become part of his everyday and every mission's suffering. And Ed did not care if he had to pay the price for it.
This was his fault, all of it, and he damn well would pay for everything he had done.
But he did not want Winry, or anyone else to know that. He always said that he and Al were looking for what they had lost. People, including Al, thought he meant what they had both lost of themselves; Al, his body and Ed, his limbs. But Edward had always meant what he had caused Al to lose.
His missing arm and leg… they had never truly mattered. He had used them each to pay the way for the attempted restoration of Trisha Elric and Al's soul-binding. They were, to his way of thinking, the truest equivalent change and which he was had never regretted paying. That night had been what drove the truth of 'Equivalent Exchange' firmly into his head. And heart. He had known then that he would never get his limbs back… and there would be a price, a terribly price, to pay in order to restore his brother.
But no one needed to know that.
He turned to Winry, summoning all the strength in his heart, mind, and soul… and smiled. She hesitantly smiled back, a tentative happiness in her smooth features. She hadn't noticed his pain, Ed thought, both hurt and relieved at the same time.
Yes, no one needed to know.
Not ever.
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