Trigger warning- purging and binge eating.
Thanks to Maleeha x and x snow-pony x for reviewing.
"What are you doing?"
"AH."
I jumped, dropped the bucket and span around all at once. Then jumped again when there actually was a person standing there. A small, dark-skinned boy standing in his Lion King Pyjamas and slippers.
"God Archie, don't scare me like that."
At the same time I was relieved it wasn't one of the older kids, Mike or May-Li, Archie wasn't old enough to understand what I was doing yet and he was little enough for me to manipulate him into not telling me.
"What are you doing?" He asked again, but continued before I had the time to say anything. "You're being sick. I'll go get May-Li."
"NO." I shouted and grabbed his shirt before he had the time to run away. "No…" I said, calmer this time. "Don't. I just ate a bit too soon after being ill and it did not agree with my stomach. I went out here not to wake anyone up and I thought a bit of fresh air might help. I do feel better already actually. I'm just going to clean out this bucket and then go inside again. You just go back to bed…" Archie nodded slightly and started to turn. "And Archie. Don't tell anyone about this okay? They'll only worry about me and I don't want them to have to do it. So don't. Never tell anyone that I was throwing up again, okay?"
"Okay."
"Promise?"
"Okay."
"Goodnight."
I drew a deep, relieved breath when I could hear Archie's steps continue over the grass and up towards the house again. But waited until I had heard the door close after him before I left the shed and cleaned the bucket with some leaves as good as possible.
What I had done would never show now.
If only Archie hadn't been there to see it.
Well, now he was too little to understand what had been really going on. But I couldn't help but wonder if he'd ever know or if he would believe what I had told him. At the same time I couldn't help but wonder if all of this secretive about what I was doing would ever change and the secrets would come out. Or would I ever be able to stop it myself or…
It wasn't as if I- or anybody else would ever plan to be that person who ate God knows everything then to go stick one's fingers down one's throat to throw it all up. But it had sort of happened. And even with the promise to myself that this was the last ever time I had done it. At the same time from what seemed another direction- the knowledge came that this was an endless story and unless anything changed, like really changed, there would be no way out.
With thoughts spinning in my mind like that I laid on that sofa in that attic and stared into the ceiling all night. A few times I tried only closing my eyes and calm down. But sleep wouldn't come, while those thoughts were wilder than ever. Stuck in my mind with hatred for myself and God knows what else this was.
Well, whatever it was it really did feel like there was not a chance in one million to get away from it.
"Are you hungry?" May-Li asked when I came down for breakfast on Sunday morning and I nodded, more not to worry anyone than for that I actually was. "Well… here we all just choose what we want from the table and then eat and leave as we want. Dinner we eat together but you'll learn our routines today and this week. If you see something missing on the breakfast table then just tell us and we'll try to solve it somehow."
"Have you got any Weetabix?" Tyler held them up. "That will be enough thanks. I think someone said yesterday I'm going to share with somebody." I sat down next to a girl dressed in pink. I couldn't remember her name but I did remember it was a stupid one. "I think it was with you."
"Yes it was. I'm Candi-Rose."
Oh… I didn't remember it quite that stupid.
"I never got around to do it when I arrived." I said while we were walking away from the breakfast table ten minutes later and forced myself to smile while we continued towards our rooms. "But I guess it's time to unpack and everything. Which one of these is my bed and where can I put my clothes and things?" Candi-Rose pointed it out while I closed the door. "Great."
"I think Maya's a really great name by the way." Candi-Rose told me and sat down on her bed while I opened the lowest drawer of the dresser and put underwear and socks in. Neatly folded and in three different parts of the drawer (underwear to the right, bra's in the middle, socks to the left). "It's so beautiful. I like my name too only it's kind of… Well I don't know really. But a girly name like that does suit me since I'm so girly and wear dresses and love pink and all of that. My mum always told me she'd always imagined having two twin girls and naming them Candi and Rose. But then when she only had me she didn't know what to do. Then she got ill and even though she lived she wouldn't be able to have more children, so she put those names together and here I am. I don't understand how dad could agree to it. He's so… what do you call it… macho? What are your parents like?"
"My mum died when I was eighteen months old." I said shortly and without any feeling put into my voice. "I don't meet my dad."
"Oh…" Candi-Rose's voice had lost its happy tone. "I'm sorry to hear that. What about your dad? Have you been in care for long? What hap…"
"None of your business." I interrupted with my back against her still. "And I bet if I told you the truth it would give you nightmares."
Well, I knew for sure it gave me nightmares.
It's okay, it's just a dream.
The night until Monday was like so many others before it filled with flashing lights, shortness of breath, blood and boiling water. Then the picture of my mum standing right in front of me, blood covering her face. And without words telling me that her death was all my fault.
Wake up Maya, wake up.
But those words were no way out. They never were, and while voices about everything was my fault. And my dad would come and get me, and mum hated me. And that I made everybody else hate me with all I did. And there was no way out of them, nowhere to run and nowhere to hide. And so at last, dad was standing right in front of me, reaching out his hands to grab me around my throat.
This was always the scariest part. It was always the one I woke up at, but that didn't matter. It was still as scary at that point when I couldn't tell what was real and what was dream and that burning anger rage in his eyes and…
NOW I'VE GOT YOU
With a hyperventilating breath I flew up into sitting position. I was breathing fastly, only barely getting enough air in to get it out again. And it felt about a million times a second that it started all oveover agair again.
But still, I was clear enough to know that when I fell asleep Candi-Rose had been here too. And now she wasn't. And I needed to figure something out soon of how I was going to do this or the others would have left the school before I got out of bed.
"I got my uniform from this school last week…" I tied the neck tie just as I walked into the kitchen. "…But you should have woken me up. Now I won't have time to even eat breakfast before I have to go."
"We thought it would be best for you if you stayed home today." Mike said with a distressed tone in his voice (Like I already knew he would before he said it) and felt my forehead. "Since you were ill this weekend. Keep still… No. I don't think you have a temperature."
"Well I never had one. And I have to go to school. That's kind of the law and there's no way to get away from that…" I said as if I even cared about stupid classes. "…And I'm fine. And I promise you I'm fine Mike. I don't know what else you want me to do. I just had those bad sausages on Saturday morning. I only started going to this school last week and I need to find out more about a test. I have to go to school." Mike winced and rubbed his neck.
"Okay." He said at last throwing his hands out to the sides in a given up move. "But then promise me you'll call if something happens or you don't feel well." I nodded- well, dream on Mike Milligan! "Have you got our number?" I nodded. "Fine then."
"Well are you coming?" Suddenly, Jody was right by my side. "Mike drives the younger ones. Us older ones take the regular bus. You have got a pass right? Great. Anyway. I checked and you are in my homeroom so if you just follow me around then everything will be fine. We have got English for first class. Mr. Stevens always makes the best classes and assignments. But if we don't go now we won't be able to catch the bus and then we'll have no class at all." Jody laughed at her own bad joke. "Come on now."
I shot Mike a glance and made sure he wasn't changing his mind. Then grabbed my coat and took my backpack. On the way to the bus stop Jody and Tyler were chattering on about whatever, I just walked silently a bit behind them.
I never even got a chance to tell anyone that I had been to this school only last week to get to know everything before I'd be a student.
Although. They might not have to know that anyway…
"And our homeroom is over there." Jody pointed when we came into the school a quarter of an hour later. "Your locker is number seven. That's' over there. I just need to get some things from my locker. Then we'll be in the same class. Meet you there." Before I had anything to say Jody had turned in the opposite direction from me while I stepped over to my locker and looked down on the small paper with the code for the lock.
"Hey look." In the moment I finally got the locker open I heard one girl say something about me as she snorted. I turned and like I thought, she and her small group of friends all looked at me. "It's Scarface." I shook my head so my hair hung over the side of my face that was burned and scarred and the girls screamed with laughter. "Scarface you are, Scarface you'll always be. Shake your head all you want. You can never trick me."
The girl's stupid rhyme and the other girls calling me Scarface (oh how imaginative. As if I hadn't heard that one before!) rang in my ears while I turned and stomped down the hallway. Knowing very well I was in the wrong direction- I didn't care about class anyway. Neither with Mr. Stevens nor with any other teacher.
I knew when I turned left and then right Jody wouldn't be able to see me. So maybe that was why I turned in that direction, walked up all the stairs I could, and then sunk down by the wall and put my head in my hands.
If only there had been a way out of this.
Archie found Maya purging, but she lied to him and he promised not to tell. Maya and Candi-Rose share room, Maya has nightmares and she and Jody goes to the same homeroom in school. And that's kind of it. See you next time!
Random fact
I have had a case of writer's block this weekend. So if you think this sucks it probably does and I'm sorry.
