(One heavy duty wetting accident later, Mr. Hartford decides to let his son out of the vomit chamber so that he can live to continue the bet. The door of the sauna opens, and the Rangers run out.)

Mack: I'm gonna go to the bathroom for a few hours. (He starts retching and runs off.)

(The other Rangers don't say anything. They just run for the showers to get the smell of Mack-after-battle-in-the-vomit-sauna off of themselves. Mr. Hartford changes his undergarments, and by the time he gets back to the base, all of the freshly showered Rangers are waiting for him. They're none too pleased; in fact, they want to rip his head off.)

Mr. Hartford: (Acts like nothing happened) Hey, guys. What's up?

Will: You want to know what's up, you shit-sucking bastard?!

Ronnie: What the hell was that stunt?

Mr. Hartford: I'm not sure I know what you're talking about.

Will: (Screaming) Okay, as if it's not bad enough that you made a stupid fucking bet with your dumbass son who we have to fucking live with, but then you lock us in a fucking steam chamber with him after battle slogging dairy products and blowing ass and liquid laugh ON THE ROCKS!!!!!!!!!

Mr. Hartford: Well, anything sounds bad when you say it like that.

Rose: That was cruel, unusual and unhygienic. This little bet has gone too far. YOU need to call it off.

Mr. Hartford: (Suddenly concerned) Wait, did Mack shower after his sauna?

Will/Dax/Ronnie/Rose: NO!!

Mr. Hartford: (Mutters) Dammit. Well, you guys, I'm sorry, but you're just gonna have to live with it. Listen, I want this over as much as you do. Do you think I enjoy seeing you suffer?

Will/Dax/Ronnie/Rose: YES!!

Mr. Hartford: Yeah, I do. But if you want it to end, you'll just have to get Mack to bathe. (He leaves the room.)

Will: Well, not that I'm sticking up for Mr. Hartless over there, but that was my idea all along. Let's just TELL him!

Rose: But that would be selfish!

Will: Okay, let's take a moment to think about who's REALLY being selfish here!

Ronnie: Yeah, I'm kinda with Will. Mr. Hartford is being a royal asshole, and I say it's time we did something about it.

Dax: I have half a mind to stick it out the full month just to see Mr. Hartford lose.

Will: (Scoffs)You have half a mind period. Remember what your weakness was?

Dax: Hey, I'm capable of rational thought! When was the last time I fucked something up?

Rose: Let's see, you drove the Drive Mixer into a canyon while trying to prove that no one ever got hurt driving blindfolded.

Ronnie: You accidentally crashed the tracking system in a failed attempt to play video games on 'The biggest screen ever'.

Will: You dropped your Drive Tracker in the toilet while trying to piss in a handstand.

Ronnie: You started a grease fire in the Hartford's kitchen while making yourself a bowl of cereal.

Rose: You were so old when you were potty trained that your mom's home video of your first successful trip to the potty was seized by law enforcement as pornography.

Will: Then there was the time you thought Spencer was . . .

Dax: Okay, I get it! So I've screwed up a few times. But it's like my dad always said, it's not how many times you fall . . . (Dax takes a theatrical tumble.)

Will: It's how many brain cells die in the fall.

Dax: (Still lying on the ground) Yeah, kick me while I'm down.

Will: Okay. (Will rears back his leg to kick him.)

Dax: (Panicked) I didn't mean it like that! (Gets up) And how about YOUR weakness? Oh, look at me, I'm Will, the porkiest Ranger on the team! I weigh five ounces more than I did yesterday! Why don't you fucking join Curves?!

Will: You little bitch . . .

Ronnie: (Steps between them) Easy, guys. We need to stop fighting each other and figure out a way to . . .

Dax: Oh, sure! Let's listen to fart girl!

Ronnie: (Turns to Dax) WHAT?

Dax: You heard me. You're probably the only Ranger in history who has a phobia of shitting herself.

Will: Hey, back off!

Dax: What, is fart girl your girlfriend now?

Will: I'm gonna fuck you up for that! (Shoves him) Don't you EVER call her fart girl!

Rose: Enough! The immaturity has to cease. Now I have one more plan for de-funkifing Mack, but it'll only work if we work together.

Will: What if it doesn't work?

Rose: Then we'll tell Mack. In fact, I'll tell him personally. But this isn't gonna fail. That is, if we have full team cooperation. (She looks at everyone condescendingly)

(Dax pouts and looks at the ground like a five-year-old. Ronnie smiles gratefully at Will, who eagerly returns her smile, then takes her hand.)

Will: Let's do it.

Ronnie: I'm in.

Dax: Crayon make me shit rainbow.

Will/Ronnie/Rose: (Roll their eyes at yet another random neural firing of their dumb fuck teammate's slowly dying brain.)

Rose: Are you in or not?!

Dax: Oh, I am so in. It's on!

Will: So what's the plan?

Rose: Okay, we get every bottle of cologne in this house, and at the most opportune moment, we surround and spray Mack. After a while, he'll just smell like way too much cologne, instead of sunbaked chum from a rotting whale placenta.

Dax: Sounds like a plan to me.

Will: I hate to agree with shit-for-brains over there, but I like it.

Ronnie: Let's do it.

Rose: Okay, but we're gonna need a LOT of cologne.

(Meanwhile, Mr. Hartford is watching the Rangers from upstairs, on one of his many monitors. A slow, diabolical grin spreads across his face as a sinister plan is borne to his fertile mind. He drops to his knees and cackles like a squirrel on crack with a feather boa in its pants, assuming squirrels wear pants.)

(The Rangers meet back in the base one hour later, each with an armload of assorted colognes.)

Rose: Okay, the plan is set. Now we just have to wait for Mack.

Will: He's been vomiting up there for hours. He's lost so many fluids, he'll have to come down here for a snack sooner or later.

Rose: (Winces) (To herself) Poor Baby.

(In a stroke of perfect timing found only on kid's shows, Mack comes downstairs.)

Ronnie: Hey, Mack! You feeling better?

Mack: Yeah, I'm okay now. But suddenly, I'm really hungry.

Rose: Quick, huddle up!

(The Rangers assemble.)

Rose: Okay, I'll go with Mack and make him something to eat. You guys stay close by and watch for Mack to let his guard down. All right?

Will/Dax/Ronnie: Right.

Will/Dax/Ronnie/Rose: Break!

Mack: Wow, you guys do that a lot. Do you have some sort of suspiciously-huddling-and-whispering club that I don't know about?

Rose: Yeah, it's . . . the style now.

Mack: All right! You guys have got to let me join you sometime. But for now, I'm getting a snack.

Rose: Uh, Mack, how about I make something for you?

Mack: Wow, thanks, Rose. That's really nice of you.

(The Rangers all go into the Hartford's kitchen. Mack waits at the table while Rose makes him a sandwich. Ronnie, Will and Dax also sit at the table, far away from Mack. After a few minutes' Rose comes out with Mack's sandwich.)

Rose: Here you go, Mack.

Mack: Thanks! This is awesome!

Rose: What's so awesome about it? It's really nothing, just a regular peanut butter sandwich.

Mack: Well, yeah, but you know, it's always a little more special when it's made by someone you care about.

(Rose blushes, and her respiration ceases.)

Rose: (Stammering) Well, in that case . . . I-I mean . . . you're- . . . you're welcome, Mack. Excuse me for a moment. (Rose awkwardly leaves.)

Ronnie: (Whispers to the others) Doesn't that seem a little weird to you? Rose never gets flustered like that.

Will: Yeah, I wonder what's up.

Dax: Who knows? Maybe she likes him.

Will: Yeah, right. She probably just caught a whiff of the stinker. Did you see the way she was holding her breath?

(A few minutes later, Mack finishes his sandwich, around the time Rose comes back.)

Mack: Wow, I'm really full. I don't remember the last time I was so susceptible to suggestion.

Dax: Hey, Mack, let's all go into the living room for no particular reason.

Mack: Good idea, Dax.

(The Rangers now know that they have Mack, seeing as how he just acknowledged something that came out of Dax's mouth as a good idea. They lead him into the living room, discreetly grab their respected bottles of cologne, and close in on Mack.)

Mack: Hey, guys, what's going on?

Ronnie: We're sorry it had to come to this, Mack.

Will: But you left us with no choice!

Rose: This is for your own good. Fire!

(The Rangers open fire on Mack, but strangely enough, it's not cologne that comes out of their aerosol cans. A thick, slimy coating of creamy, processed spray cheese envelopes Mack Hartford's body. The Rangers cease fire.)

Will: The hell . . . ?

Ronnie: What happened?

Mack: What is this?

Dax: Oh, I know! It's spray cheese.

Will: (Whispers) No shit. But what the hell is it doing in our cologne cans?

Mack: You guys, I don't know what to say . . . This is- . . . The best! My entire body, covered in cheesy goodness! I'm gonna hug each and every one of you! (He advances toward Dax.)

Dax: It was all Rose's idea!

Mack: (Turns to Rose) Rose, you did this . . . for me?

Rose: Mack, it's not what you think . . .

Mack: This is the greatest thing anyone has ever done for me. My own, cheesy adventure. I don't know how to thank you.

Rose: You really don't have to . . .

(Mack gets down on one knee and takes Roses hand, then delicately kisses it. The Rangers are stunned speechless.)

Mack: Thank you.

Rose: (Breathlessly) Mack, I- . . . it's really nothing . . .

Mack: (Gets up) I'm gonna give you a hug. (He closes in on her.)

Rose: (Thinking fast) No, Mack, wait! Um, you don't want any of your cheese to rub off, right?

Mack: Oh, right! Anyway, thanks again, Rose. It really is the best. I'm gonna go document this! (And with that, Mack runs off.)

(Suddenly, Andrew Hartford appears from around the corner.)

Mr. Hartford: Dammit! I can't believe this! This was the biggest failure of my career!

Will: Wait, I thought you liked it when we suffered.

Ronnie: And since when were you in on our plan?

Rose: Wait a minute . . . Mr. Hartford, it was you who put the spray cheese in our cans, wasn't it?!

Mr. Hartford: Yeah, I forgot that cheese is Mack's favorite food. Dammit.

Dax: Wait, I thought Mack was lactose intolerant.

Will: (Ignores Dax)You asshole! That's fucking cheating!

Mr. Hartford: Well, in case you haven't noticed, I'm fuckin' loaded. The rules don't apply to me.

Dax: That's not fair to the rest of us!

Mr. Hartford: What do you know?

Dax: (Heroically) I know that pie . . . tastes like crayons.

Mr. Hartford: Wait, didn't you say that already?

Dax: Say what?

Mr. Hartford: That pie tastes like crayons.

Dax: (Scoffs) That's a totally random thing to say.

Mr. Hartford: (Shakes his head) I guess this goes to show that you should never mince words with a dumbass.

Dax: Huh?

Mr. Hartford: What's the matter? You don't know what the word 'mince' means?

Dax: (Indignantly) Of course I do! It's the end-y part of a word that means it tastes minty, like peppermints. But I've never had a nevermint. That sounds like fairy food. Hey, I bet Spencer would like some.

Mr. Hartford: (Rolls his eyes) You dipshit. Although he is the biggest fucking fairy currently lameing up this house.

Will: (Mutters) Fucking hell . . .

Ronnie: Please, you guys, I think we've already established that Dax . . . (Looks at Dax, only to find him picking his nose, eyes crossed, completely delighted by the sensation it is bringing him) . . . is, for lack of better words, a dumbass, but we're still no closer to our objective!

Will: She's right Rose. Mack is still a reeking, ass-blowing, shit-scented, Kenshin worshiping, cheese-wearing, cottage cheese spewing fucking time bomb to our demise with a couple of dumpster-diving racoons slowly dying in each of his armpits. If we can't fix this soon . . . we're gonna fucking die!

Rose: (Whispers to Ronnie) What does liking Kenshin have to do with this?

Ronnie: (Whispers) I don't know, but we should just listen, Will is monologing.

Rose: (Still whispers) Okay.

Will: And Rose, if I recall correctly, you made a promise. Your plan failed, so now, you have to just fucking tell him!

Rose: Okay, first of all, you're a potty mouth, and second of all, my plan did not fail. It was sabotaged, so technically . . .

Will: Is Mack de-funkified?

Rose: Well, no.

Will: Then technically, this is your responsibility. Now just do it!

Dax: Perhaps I can be of assistance here, Rose. I happen to specialize in this sort of thing.

Rose: Really?

Dax: Yeah. When Mack knocks all your teeth out because you broke his little Mackie heart, I can chew you food for you!

Ronnie: You asshole . . .

Rose: What is wrong with you?!

Will: (Steps in between them) Now, ladies, I'm sure there's a more mature way to handle this. That being said, let's avoid that option at all costs. (He socks Dax one in the jaw, and Dax crumples limply to the floor, unconscious.)

Ronnie: It's about time!

Rose: Yeah, but what are we gonna do with him now? We have to get rid of the evidence somehow.

Will: Hey, I've got it. Let's just stash him in Spencer's bathroom.

Rose: Okay, sounds good to me.

(The three Rangers drag their useless teammate away, toward the bathroom of the King of piss-babies.)

Authors' note: Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed it enough to stick around for the next and final chapter. Please remember to leave lots of reviews!