The flashback starts where the last chapter ended.
So that was it! All of those secrets I had worked so hard to keep to myself were out and it was only a matter of time before everybody would know.
After talking to Mike and May-Li it was with heavy steps I walked upstairs and into mine and Candi-Rose's room. Then slumped down flat on my back on my bed and laid an arm over my eyes in a distressed move.
If I could only go back in time, make sure that I was being quiet so Archie wouldn't have followed me outside that night. Keep on doing what I was doing and made sure nobody knew. Then quit before anyone did and before it could hurt anybody else.
Actually, if I could only go back in time until when Mike and May-Li had called me in for that meeting and come up with some better answers. Something that wouldn't worry them so much- something like telling them my dad didn't have anything to do with it and I was just another normal teenager that was insecure about my body.
Well, of course so wasn't really the case though
Flashback
"Yes"
Mike and May-Li looked to each other when I gave them the answer that all of this had started with what my dad said. For a second it flashed by that I should tell them what he had said and it all. But I forced that thought away, took a deep breath and waited for the next question.
"Look. Maya." Mike turned to check something on the computer. May-Li turned to me and looked me into the eyes. I couldn't help but to look away. "I know that you know you are not the first or the only one dealing with… problems like these. And I'm not looking for a reason to kick you out of here or anything. But this might be more than what we can handle and it might be hard also with all the other kids here. We won't be able to keep it secret from them."
I just nodded, I couldn't figure anything to say that would help at this point. But of course, if it was to help them… I just didn't want to. If I just tried to get better it couldn't be so hard could it? I just didn't have to go into the bathroom and not shove my fingers down my throat?
Well, if it had always been so simple I wouldn't be in this position right?
Idiot!
"I'll do my best." I could hear the whiny tone in my voice, but I just had to say something. "I promise you. I really will. Just as long as you don't send me away or lock me in or anything. And you can tell anyone, anyone that needs to know or that will find out anyway. Just as long as you don't… kind of lock me in."
"It's not about locking someone in. Neither you, nor anybody else. And I'm sure you know that we will never force you to do anything you don't want to do. Unless it's getting into yours or somebody else's safety. Which it is right now. Because you can't keep on doing what you've been doing or you'll get very ill. And I know you know that Maya. But I also know that it's not as simple that you can just quit just like that."
"I'm kind of claustrophobic so as long as nobody locks me in somewhere- doesn't matter where. I'm fine with it. Just do what you want, okay?"
Silence fell over the room for a bit, Mike was still checking something on the computer and whispered something to May-Li that I couldn't catch as words. May-Li just nodded and the way she looked at me made something clench around my throat as if I was on my way to start crying.
"They have got a treatment program for this at the hospital. But that is one that requires that you go here…" Mike turned the computer screen and pointed. "And live there for at least a month or two." I felt something clench in my stomach. "Maya… As long as you're not in any immediate danger then we will not make you do anything that you don't want. But we have to think about now what is going to give you the best chance of becoming your best and healthy self."
I bit my lip and did my best not to start hyperventilating or something, a part of me wanted to break down and cry, another part scream at the top of my lungs. And another part of me wanted to grant their wishes and go to the hospital if it caused these two people in front of me less trouble than anything else.
"I think we need to make a few calls…" Mike turned the computer back so I couldn't see and pointed something out for May- Li. "…I think you most of all might need to do some thinking and sometime of your own. But I trust you to go to your room and not… not…"
"Purge." I finished the sentence for him. "Make myself barf, throw up. Whichever words or expression you want to use." Mike pressed his lips together as if to small, but it never reached his eyes. "It's fine." I stood up. "I'll just go to my room."
And with those words I hurried out of the office and up the stairs. Knowing that things were about to change- probably loads from now on. When all of my walls had just crashed around me. May- Li was right. There was no way to keep secrets around here.
End of flashback
I lowered my arm and stared into the ceiling. What else was I supposed to do? There was no way to change what already was and for everything I did I would sure as hell would only make matters worse- for everybody!
The thoughts and words that had been said earlier kept spinning in my mind. And I pressed my eyes closed and clenched my fists hitting them towards my forehead as if that would hit the thoughts out of my mind. If it only was that simple.
Then there was just no way I could keep still, so I almost flew onto my feet and tried to figure anything I could do without having to keep still where all of what had been could catch me right up again.
I started pacing the few steps back and forth in the room I could take without hitting the wall- literally. I pulled up my phone almost without thinking about what I was doing. Then turned on a song, put in some earplugs and pulled them up and into my ears so I'd be the only one that could hear the music.
I hadn't exactly had any intention of starting to dance. Not even to move at all. But I was just so restless. As if I was trying to get away from the thoughts spinning in my brain I laid each palm on the sides of my head and ears, then kneeled and slowly moved upwards through the beginning of the song.
For every second I thought that I'd have to stop. That someone would hear and come to watch. That I couldn't dance anyway. But it was just that I hadn't been dancing for so long. Just when I'd started, I just couldn't stop.
It was not like I had to think about what I was doing and how I was moving. I had danced to this song a million times before and knew every single second of it to know where I would take a step, lower, rise, bow, spin. It all came without me having to think about it and when I was dancing I was left in a world of my own and it was like everything else just faded.
"You're a really good dancer you know." I hadn't heard anyone come. So when I heard a voice behind me I flinched and pulled my earplugs out of my ears just as the song had ended, then had to stop and wait for a bit until my heart rate was back to normal. "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you like that. You should join the dance squad. We could need someone like you, most of the others are like ballet dancers and sure they're good but…" Jody grimaced where she stood in the half-opened door. "I mean it- you should. I can help you."
The memories of one of the first few days at my new school flashed by. Walking onto the stage and hearing the whispers from the people already on the team. Feeling everybody's eyes on me as I searched through my phone for the right song and was on my way to plug it into the speakers before Miss Donoghue made her voice heard before I had the time to even start the song.
"I have to interrupt you right there."
Well, after everything I might just as well tell Jody that too. It was true what May-Li said anyway, there was no keeping secrets in this house and I if anyone would know that.
"I did, okay? Miss. Donoghue told me you were full before I had the time to show her anything."
"Of course it's not full." Jody snorted. "We're a dance squad. It isn't exactly like there are lines with people waiting to audition. Seriously, why don't you? I can help you if you want to. Whatever you were doing right now when I came. Do that and there is no way Miss Donoghue will let you join the team whether it's full or not."
"Don't you get it?" I fizzled, all of my walls crashing down around me so to the point I could almost hear them. "She didn't say that because you were full. You even joined after I met her. But someone who looks like a monster on the squad isn't exactly the best way of winning a competition."
I gestured to my face. And for Jody it seemed to sink in why it was I hadn't joined the team from the start. I could almost see the way anger was boiling up inside of her, then suddenly she span on her heel again and hurried down the hallway, down the stairs and out the door. Slamming the door after her without a word.
"Where's she going?"
I had barely noticed it but I had followed Jody out of my and Candi-Rose's room, then down the hallway and while I hadn't even reached the stairs. I could hear the door slam and Tyler's question sounding quite confused.
"I don't know…" I barely even got what had happened until I was on my way down the stairs and Mike and May-Li coming out of the office giving me meaning glances. "…I hope she's not going to cause herself any trouble because of me."
"What do you mean because of you?"
I glanced over Mike, May-Li, Tyler and also Archie who had gone back into the office to talk to Mike and May-Li. And they all looked back in me in each weird way that sent shivers down my spine.
Well, wasn't I just the best at getting anyone and everyone into trouble anyway?
"It's a long story."
Song: I see fire- Ed Sheeran
Random fact
After I started this story I actually did think about changing Maya's celebrity look alike (It's Chloe East) Except she doesn't have any burns so you'll just have to imagine that. I was thinking about a girl I read a book about- Sophie Delezio. She got stuck under a car burning after it drove straight into her daycare and among other things to all the burns, lost both her feet, some fingers and one ear. As well as scars over big parts of her body. Then I realized that Maya wouldn't have been hurt that much from getting hurt by her dad and since I didn't want to change the story or anything I kept Chloe East as portrayer.
