Chapter 3: "How, Why & Introductions"
"Peter honey, Stewie's calling me. Can you entertain out guest for a moment?"
"Sure honey."
Lois goes upstairs. Peter turns to Big Thinker.
"Gee, I've never entertained a real live Indian before. Come to think of it, I thought Indians were something made up by Gunsmoke."
"Dad! Could you show some compassion?" says Meg angrily.
"What's that? A new program on CBS? Sweetie, we can't watch TV right now, we have to entertain out guest.
So, what do your people do for fun anyway?"
"The Mezzojaha sing and dance in a festic display of happiness and comradery."
Brian, who had just walked in, eyes widen and he runs to Peter, "Peter, no!"
"Oh, you mean like this?" he puts the couch top cloth rest, that has tassels on it's border, on his head and starts doing a stereotypical dance with words, "Hey ya, yah yah yah. HO, yah yah yah. Wawawawawawawa. Eh, I can't do that thing. You know? The Xena thing? When she makes that sound with her mouth. How's that for entertainment?"
Brian slaps his forehead and shakes it disbelief. Meg stands there with her jaw agape.
"You have greatly offended my people and their customs," replies Big Thinker.
"You hear that Brian? He said I did a GREAT job!"
Big Thinker continues, "And tribal people the world over, as a whole."
"Brian! I'm an international superstar!"
"Dad! H … how-"
Peter puts his hand up, imitating Big Thinker, "Well, 'How' to you to honey."
Everyone stands in stunned silence.
Lois comes down, with Stewie in her arms.
"Yes, well, if you think this deed will spare you … you are sorely mistaken women!"
Megan runs up to her and tugs at her shoulder, "Mom, can you make dad stop, like, saying things!"
"Oh," she laughs uneasily, "honey, mommies been trying that for 20 years…" she then trails off.
"Peter, I need to go for a walk," says Brian.
"Well, have at it," he replies.
"Can you take me for a walk, please?" he stresses the last word.
"Geez, you want me to watch you poop too? You're a grown dog, just go outside and let nature take it's course."
"Peter, I need to talk to you. OUTSIDE."
"Hey, why didn't you just say so? Gosh Brian, sometimes you can be so vague," he walks past Brian to the back door in the kitchen.
"Wow, just wow. It's not lost upon you – it's never found you. Fuck I could use a drink," goes out with Peter.
"So, Big Thinker, welcome to America. No, I mean, Indians are from America. Welcome to my home," says Lois carefully.
"Actually Miss Griffin, there are tribes in nearly every country on mother Earth."
"Well, welcome to out corner. So, who went to your tribe?"
Neil walks around shirtless, with a neck strap camera. He snaps pictures of various tribe people. They cry out in fear and hide.
"Walks Like Duck, I must ask you to stop. Our people believe that your white-man's device takes their souls."
"Really?" Neil snaps another photo. The person screams and runs off.
"Yes, really. Only National Geographic can have our souls. So, if you would…"
"Hey chief, where's those half naked Indian girls I see on The Discovery Channel?"
"Cooking and preparing tonight's food."
"Oh, cool. The Dark Ages," snaps another photo.
"I must insist that you-"
"Would you like a picture of some boobies?"
"You can do that?" a tribesman walks by. Chief eyes him and speaks to Neil as the guy walks by, "My people believe in love and trust; it's a sacred bond. We hold out women in," then man is gone, " how much?"
"Three beaded necklaces."
"Deal," says the Chief.
"I am unsure," replies Big Thinker.
"Meg, why don't you show Big Thinker around while I prepare his bed in the basement."
"Sure. Lets get the hell out of here."
"May you work well Miss Griffin," says Big Thinker.
They leave Lois.
Peter walks over to the hammock and lies in it.
"Peter, we came out to talk, remember?"
"Oh right."
"Peter, you can't just go around insulting other races like that."
"I didn't insult him. You heard him, he called me 'Great'."
"Remember what Dan Rather said to you?"
"Yeah, he called me great too!"
"No Peter, he said: 'You're the greatest fool ever.'."
"See! Not just okay, all right or even excellent – great!"
"No, before that."
"The greatest?"
"The whole thing before it."
"You're the greatest?" says Peter innocently.
"Now the end."
"Fool ever?"
"Now put it together."
"You're the greatest fool ever. He he he ….. oh. That bastard," he squints his eyes menacingly.
"And know think about the context in which Big Thinker used it."
"Oh. OH! Hey! That little sarcastic redneck."
"Wow."
"What?" asks Peter.
"You actually knew what "context" means. I was fairly certain," laughs, "anyhow, as I was saying, you offended him."
"How? I danced and tried to make that sound."
"Number one: You're thinking about The Wind And the Lion – Indians don't do that. Number two: You did that while doing a cheesy copy of their traditional Rain Dance.
That's not something they do for fun; they do that when there is a draught and their plants are dying and they are going thirsty."
"Oh, come on! I see the Cleveland Indians do it all the time. They even have chief Wahoo! Why don't you go bug them?"
"Peter, that's why the native Americans protested at the Cleveland Indians games.
They were angered over the Cleveland Indians using it as a stereotype."
"Well, if they needed a better stereo, then they should have sold more land to the white man."
"Gosh Peter, I … I don't know what do say."
"Shhh - speak not; silence says a thousand words ….. hey, wasn't it Sean Connery in the Wind And the-"
"You're a bigot."
"A bigfoot?"
"Bigot. Peter, America used to belong to the Indians. Then one day Christopher Columbus found America and discovered the Indians.
He killed their ppeople, raped their land and women and made them slaves.
To top it all off, he brought disease to them. They had never had the cold before."
"Oh."
"And slowly we took over their land. Either by force or trading them beads since they had no concept of ownership.
Now races that numbered in the high thousands, are either extinct or in the low hundreds.
So, you got to understand Peter – you offended Big Thinker. Would you want someone to make fun of the small size of your penis?"
"oh my goodness Brian – I AM a bigfoot!"
"Yes. Yes you are…"
"For now on I'm going to treat Big Tinkler with the respect his endangered people deserve."
"Good for you Peter."
"Right after I nap in the hammock," he lays back and starts humming Jerry Goldsmith's theme for The Wind And the Lion.
Brian walks off.
Joe pops his head over the fence a minute later.
"Say Peter – did you know there's an Indian in your house?"
Meg takes Big Thinker upstairs.
"Well, this is my house. Nothing much to see. It's pretty boring."
"I live in a tent on my reservation."
"I slept in a tent once. It was a sleepover with my friend Karen. It was inside the house though … and … Hey! This is my brother Chris's room."
"How, Chris Griffin," Big Thinker greets him.
"I don't know. What was the question again?" Chris fumbles.
"I am Big Thinker of the Mezzojaha tribe."
"He's here as part of my classes Cultural Exchange Program. Try not to insult him lardo," comments Meg.
"Why do you wear that over you eyes?" asks Big Thinker.
"It's a sleeping mask. I've been having trouble sleeping lately. There's an evil monkey in my closet keeping me up all night long."
"God, not the evil monkey. I'm gonna go pee," says Megan. She walks off.
"Allow me," Big Thinker walks to the closet and opens it. The evil monkey comes out, sharp teeth showing and points – it stops for a second, then continues as if out of habit.
"My monkey brother, you are a good primate. Why hold such animosity toward this man? Come – let us be friends."
The evil monkey sheds a tear and they both hug. He then walks over and hugs Chris's left leg.
"AH!"
"Do not be afraid Chris Griffin. You are enemies no more."
The monkey puts it's arms out in joy and goes back into the closet. Meg comes back.
"I'm sorry," she says to Big Thinker.
"For?"
"For whatever my brother said while I was gone."
"Your brother did not offend me."
"You're cool. I don't care what television says about you," says Chris.
"You like him? Look, I know there aren't many people in your tribe, but…"
"Here Chris Griffin," he takes something off from around his neck and hands it to Chris.
"What is it? An earring?"
"This is a Dream Catcher. It helps one to slumber more peaceably. And have good thoughts."
"That must be why they made that movie! Thanks Big Thinker."
"You are welcome Chris Griffin. Now, if you would excuse us, Megan was going to show me around your homestead."
Big Thinker leaves the room. Meg glares at Chris.
"You're still totally un-cool rhino butt," and she closes the door.
Chris sits down on his bed. The closet door opens and the evil monkey comes out. It points and smiles, then calmly shuts the door.
"Weird."
