Chapter 5: "This Is MY Land"
(((((Since doesn't keep the "enter" presses I use, here is the KEY to help you weave through the muddled mess:
Start of flashback or dream sequence
----- Next scene doing a part of the story.
Same chapter, not part of the block you were reading.)))))
Lois walks through the Living Room picking up dirty laundry and putting it up and placing it in the hamper she is holder with her free hand. She says nothing as she tugs tightly at a shirt sticking out from under Peter, on the couch. It won't come loose. She tries to lit his ass to get it.
"Geez Lois, why don't you just skip the foreplay all together."
"Peter-"
"We'll have sex later – right now I'm watching Miami Vice."
Cut to Crocket and Castillo, in Castillo's office. The door is open. Castillo looks down while saying, "Sunny, why don't you take Tubbs and-"
Crocket slaps Castillo's face and yells, "Say my name, BITCH!"
"Peter, I'm not talking to you after the way you treated Big Thinker yesterday. Let alone have sex with you."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa," he puts his hands, palms out, "let's not completely rule out sex."
"Is that all you can think about? 'Getting's some'? You should be thinking up an apology!"
"I did apologize! I tried to tell you last night, but someone locked the bedroom door."
"I did. Peter, are you telling the truth?"
Cut to past sequence of Peter and Lois sitting on the Living Room couch.
"Peter, did you try to rob a vending machine?"
"No…"
"Are you lying to me?"
"Of course not; what would make you say such a thing?"
Pull out: his hand is stuck up a vending machine door.
"Oh, that? It followed me home."
"Of course I am. You can ask him yourself."
"That's good. Now all you have to do is apologize to the REST of the family for your behavior."
"Man, I got to apologize to everybody? Geez, what do I look like? CBS? You want me to invite Joe, Glenn and Cleveland over and apologize to them as well?"
"Fine – watch re-runs while your family hates you."
"Hey, I have to live with my family forever – this re-runs only on till 11:00!"
Lois throws a pair of underwear at his head.
Lois walks down the long flight of stairs, into the basement. Big Thinker is sitting on a spare mattress.
"Excuse me, I just need to put some cloths in the washer."
"There is no problem," he replies.
Lois sets the basket on the dryer and speaks after raising the washer lid to load it, "So, did you sleep well last night?"
"Very well. Thank you Miss Griffin."
"Look," she stops loading the washer, "my husband said he apologized to you last night. So, I guess what I'm asking is – did-"
"Yes, Mister Griffin come to me and made his apologies."
"He did?"
"We are at one now."
"So, his apology didn't also offend you? I'm just assuming…"
"No. He was most sincere. He made it clear without offending me."
"He did!" she says somewhat shocked.
"We have reached an understanding and shall no longer quarrel."
"That's great! Hopefully now you'll be able to become part of the family during your stay," she looks over at a pile of stuff, "you and Chris can even go camping in the back yard. I kept the tent Chris and Peter used a few years ago."
Cut to forrest scene:
"You see Chris? You just use two regular sticks, rub them together, and there you have it – a fire. Now let's go back into the tent," opens the tent. A raccoon shoots out, grabs onto Peter's face and makes noises. Peter twirls and flails about, "Oh! Oh! Oh, god!"
"I'll ask Chris later if he's interested. I'm sure he'll be. I'll bet you two have a lot in common," she closes the washer and turns it on. As she starts up the steps, she sees a sign on the wall and reads it aloud, "Now leaving Mezzojaha Reservation Annex. Heh, how cute. See you later Big Thinker."
"As you Miss Griffin," he smirks.
Chris comes down stairs and stands next to his dad – still watching TV.
"Dad, I need … dad? Dad?"
"What? Did somebody mention "Daddio"? Cause for a second there, I was scared."
"Can you help me?"
"Sure Chris. Now what's bugging you?"
"Remember that evil monkey, that lives in my closet? Well-"
"Evil monkies? Say no more son; I remember when I had an encounter with a whole planet of those bastards…"
CUT TO SIGN: Planet Hollywood of the Apes
"Hi," says the waiter, "I'm Doctor Zaius; welcome to Planet Hollywood of the Apes. Are you ready to order?"
Peter responds while reading the menu, "Ah, yeah. I'll have a Might Joe Young & Tender steak, six Orange-atanges, three Curious George Surprise Meals. Oh, and one King Kong Rib for my wife."
Scribbles on his note pad, "All right, I'll be right back with your drinks. While I'm gone, enjoy these complementary brownies," leaves.
-----
The waiter walks over to a second waiter and says, "Hey, Steve, bring that family over there six Orange-atanges; I got to do libratory."
"I'm still on break."
"Get them or you're fired," he walks off after saying.
The second waiter growls in anger.
-----
Peter scarves down the brownies.
"Peter, remember to stop and breath for goodness sakes," says Lois.
"Oh! Oh, Lois – I can't stop eating them; they're like little chocolate angels sent down from a Nestle Quick heaven!"
Stewie speaks from his booster seat, "Yes, eat up you foul little provider. I say – who's mommy's little piggy?" lifts the top of his nose and makes oinking sounds.
Peter starts shoving brownies into his pockets and the back of his pants.
"Peter, for crying out loud – someone might see you! I'm sure they'll let us have them for free," says Lois.
"Oh, do you want to ask them and tip my hand? They may not say yes Lois. Hand…" he looks deep in thought, and then starts licking the chocolate off his hands.
"Peter, waiter," warns Brian.
The waiter walks up holding a tray up with the palm of his left hand. He lets it down a little and starts removing the drinks.
One by one each one of them is disgusted as the waiter sets the glasses down – pulling his thumb out of each one.
"Hey! Get your goshdarn stinking thumb out of my Orange-atange, you damn, dirty ape."
The second waiter, looking through his ape mask, "Make me."
"Oh, that it!" he jets up and gives chase to the monkey-waiter. Jerry Goldsmith-like Planet of the Apes Chase Music plays and they run through the restaurant.
They cut through mazes of tables; zigzagging through patrons. A third waiter tags along with Peter, side by side.
The third waiter speaks feverously, "Has anyone taken your order yet!"
"Get the hell away from me, you freakin' weirdo!" he pushes the third waiter and he falls butt down. Everyone stares at him.
"It's my first day," he looks around and sniffs the air, "hey – there's no smoking allowed in – MY ASS!" he gets up, arms flailing about, ass on fire and runs around aimlessly.
-----
Peter and the second waiter dodge customers left and right and suddenly the theme from the "Gladiators" TV series kicks in and them big punching bag-like objects swing in and out, and they both have to avoid them.
The waiter bursts into the kitchen area, Peter, only a few seconds behind, enters as well. He looks around.
"Hey, do any of you even speak any English?"
The camera pans around to a bunch of Mexicans – who stare blankly at Peter. Peter slowly moves through the kitchen, searching for the waiter. He opens some top wall cabinets. Nothing. He swings open some bottom counter ones. Nothing. He grabs hold of a Mexican and forces his mouth open.
"Ay chiwawa!"
"Ah-ha!" he looks down the guy's throat. Nothing.
He moves back toward the kitchen entrance, opening some cabinets here and there. He opens a big pot on a burner.
Come out you bastard," he peers in. A raccoon shoots out, sinks it's claws into Peter's face and make noises.
"Oh! Oh! Oh, god!" he pulls the raccoon off and throws it back into the pot and slams the lid down. As he feels his face, he spots the second waiter look at him and dash out the kitchen.
Peter runs to the kitchen doors, is about to go out and stops when he notices they are labeled "IN" and "OUT". He ponders for a second, "In must mean 'Into the Dining Area'…" and rams into the "IN" door. It abruptly stops dead in it's tracks.
"Geez, what the hell was that?" he tries the "OUT" door. It works. He runs out.
The third waiter, whose ass is on fire, slides down against the wall, to the floor. Unconscious. The fire from his ass catches the wall and starts spreading through the building.
Peter and the second waiter run by. The waiter that first served them exits the restroom. "What did I miss?"
-----
Peter starts loosing the waiter. He stops and shouts, "Hey!"
The waiter turns around; hearing Peter's voice from afar.
"You forgot your tip!" Peter yells and then reaches into the back of his pants, scoops out smeared brownies, and flings it at the waiter's face.
"Hummm, tastes like fudge," the waiter comments. Again and again fudge slams into his face – building like a vertical mountain. With each slam, the Walter Murphy led orchestra does a heavy, upward hit, until one last large chunk his him. He collapses, almost dead.
A dining patron looks over, "Now THAT is dining music."
-----
Fire roars throughout the building. Peter races to his family and they run out quickly.
"The roof! The roof! The roof his on fire!" shouts the manager.
The first waiter says aloud, "I forgot to charge them for those brownies. SON OF A BITCH!"
Peter and family race from the Planet Hollywood of the Apes, as it lights up the night sky and fire trucks sounds in the near distance.
"Wait – what the hell were we talking about?" asks Peter.
"I don't remember," replies Chris.
"Well, anyway, don't do drugs, lick toads, smoke crack, or go to Mr. Roger's neighborhood."
"Okay. Well, I guess I'm going to go back upstairs. Thanks dad," he runs back up.
He closes his bedroom door and realizes, "Owww…"
He hears the closet door open. The monkey, previously known as evil, comes out. It puts it's arms out in joy, smiles and runs over and hugs Chris' left leg.
"Ah!"
He looks down and sees the monkey smiling at him.
"Hey … ah … evil monkey. So, ah … how are you doing today?"
In a deep, manly voice it replies, "Merrily."
"You can talk!"
"Why not? The dog can. And I am substantial, by the way."
"So, what are you doing?"
The monkey looks up at him, still holding his left leg, "Enjoying the beauty and pleasure of this meager existence."
"Cool."
"Indeed."
"I need to, like, move my legs now."
"No problem," lets go.
Chris goes over and gets his pens and sketchbook.
"I just came to get some things."
"Where will you be going?"
"Ah, to a bridge. It's covered – just like the one in Sleepy Hollow. I go there and think about things."
"May I come?"
"I guess so…"
"Toasty," the monkey runs into the closet and then comes back out with a water bottle and a pair of sandals. He then runs down stairs, with Chris in tow, and out the front door.
"Hey Brian," Peter says without blinking, or checking to see whom it was.
"Chris heads for the front door, when suddenly Lois calls to him, "Chris, honey, where are you going?"
"To the bridge."
"Okay. Be back before six. And don't fall in again."
"Okay mom!" he closes the door.
Lois sets down the second load of dirty laundry in a basket, on the floor. She gives Peter a kiss on his left cheek.
He swats at his face, wipes his left hand on it and then checks to see what is was, "What the hell was that? Oh. Hey honey."
"I talked to Big Thinker, and he told me what you did."
"It's not my fault, Pandora wouldn't tell me what was in the box!"
"I'm so proud of you Peter – he said you didn't even manage to offend him."
"I showed him some of the old Griffin charm and naturally he came around."
"Well, what ever you did seems to have worked. Who knows? Maybe you two will even get to be best friends. Peter, where did you get those necklaces?"
"Big Tinkler gave them to me."
"Oh, how nice. Well, you enjoy watching TV; I'm gonna go upstairs and see how Meg is doing," she walks off.
Stewie opens his toy chest, sandwiched between two bookshelves. He pulls out a toy Star Wars Lightsaber. He thrusts it outwards; extending it's neon-red telescopic pole.
"Hummm, yes, the plastic phallic symbol of the 70s. 'Use the force' … honestly Lucas, is this sci-fi of Hustler's Close Encounters of the Sensual Kind…" he puts the toy down and walks to the extended end. He pulls a small rectangular box from his red overalls. The box is jet black and has his initials in cursive gold on it. He opens it to reveal a row of shinny new hooks and sharp things. He picks out a small wall-screw hook, closes the box and pockets it. He lifts up the Lightsaber and screws in the hook into it's top.
He angles it up toward the window's first lock. He tugs at it hard. It pulls open.
"Ah, it's like taking locks from a … a thing … and … oh, screw it. I don't have to be witty by myself."
He tugs at the second one; it doesn't budge. He pulls harder. Nothing.
Looks at Rupert, "You know, you could be helping me damnit."
He goes back to his struggle. It holds tight.
"Maybe it I…" he puts his mouth on the end and starts sucking the air from the handle of the Lightsaber – in an attempt to de-extend it. He gets red faced and angry.
Brian passes by, then stops back.
"Keep practicing and maybe one day Jabba will have a position for you."
"Ha … ha," he tries to laugh sarcastically.
"Um, the force is strong with this one."
"Damn you. If I weren't lightheaded and gasping for air, I'd give you a good-"
"Oh, you're so cute when you're evil."
Stewie growls. Brian just walks off.
Stewie tries one more time and it loosens to an open.
"Rupert, my spindle of evil – bring it to me at once!" he looks at his unmoving teddy bear. "Fine then; some minion of darkness you are," he picks up a spool of electrical wire and walks backward to the window; the other end connected to his Frankensteined weather alternator.
He places the spindle on top the toy chest and then proceeds to climb atop it. He then pushes the window open and steps out onto the roof. He reaches back in and brings out the spindle. He reaches the top and sets the spindle on the obtuse edge where both slopes of the roof meet.
He opens a secret compartment, under a shingle, and pulls out a few hand tools – which he pockets.
Then he walks over to the satellite dish, with spindle in hand. He sets it down again.
He fishes for a pair of wire cutters and snips the cable feed. The cable goes out inside the house.
-----
"NOOOOO!" we hear Quagmire yell from next door.
Cut to Peter: "What the … now how will I find out what happened to Fred and Barney?"
-----
Stewie does some wiring and hooks the satellite cable to a two-way splitter. He connects the last wire and leads it back to the window. He puts the spindle back in and follows.
Lois knocks on Meg's bedroom door.
"Go away Chris!"
"Meg, honey, it's your mother," she opens the door.
"Oh, hey mom."
"I got great news sweetheart – I talked to your father and he said that Big Thinker and him made up. So, you can stop hating you father … about this incident."
"Yeah, this time, but what about May Sweeps?"
"Well, honey, I guess you'll just have to reserve the right to hate him at a later date."
"Okay."
"But that's actually not the reason I came up to talk to you…"
"Yeah … about the electrified doorknob handle, you see – Chris has been-"
"Nah, it's not that sweetie; though that was rather disturbing. It's about Big Thinker. I know he walks around shirtless a lot and that he's charming and in-touch with his feelings, but … I saw you checking him out the other day, from you bedroom window."
"You did?"
"Yes. So, I guess we need to have a talk about the birds and the bees then…"
"Ew! No, no, no, no, no – NO! We do NOT need to talk about it. The birds do it, the bees do it, stick your who-who-dilly in her cha-cha. I got it."
"Good," Lois pats Meg on a leg and gets up to leave. Meg lies back in bed.
"Oh, and Meg…"
"Yeah?"
"The light from his cooking fire reflected on your binocular lenses, onto him. Honey, try looking at something besides his crotch for exactly 32 minutes."
Megan smiles uneasily, "Heh, heh … wait – how did you know it was exactly 32 minutes?"
"Take care sweetie," Lois leaves the room abruptly.
Chris and the monkey sit on a big windowpane – one of four – on one of the sides of the roof-covered bridge.
Chris sketches in his art pad.
"What are you doodling?" asks the monkey.
"Those guys fishing down there at the creek. You know, they should really call those fish sticks."
"Say, that's pretty good; you mind if I take a gander?"
"Sure," he hands the monkey his sketchpad. The monkey slowly flips pages.
Chris ads commentary, "That's my dad when we went camping once. That's my mom after the doctors drugged her up one Christmas. That's the evil monk-" he stops.
The monkey quickly turns the page.
"And this individual?"
"That's Sam – a girl I fell in love with once. And that's some creepy old man I used to deliver newspapers to."
"They're very nice. What are you doing?"
"Spitting into the creek."
"Aren't there people fishing down there?"
"Yeah, but I try to avoid them. Besides – it looks so cool when the spit hits the water. It's like a miniature atomic bomb and the fish are all people and they run and scream when it goes off, but no one can hear them scream cause only bubbles come out and they look like farts. Screaming farts. It's easy, just look before you spit."
The monkey spits, "Ah, it's a wonderful like," puts his arms up in joy.
"Ha ha, that was a itty-bitty loogie. See?" Chris hocks up a big one and lets it rip.
"Retry," monkey spits quickly. It lands on top of someone's head.
"Hey!" the person yells out.
"Oh my goodness – you spit on J-Lo! That's a switch."
"I am most apologetic, ma'am," says the monkey.
"You bitch! When I get done beating up this fan, I'm gonna come up there and spit on YOU BOTH!"
"HUH!" they both exclaim.
"And then kill you!" J-Lo yells in anger.
The monkey turns to Chris and says quickly, "I think we should make haste."
"Okay," they both get up and take off to Chris' bicycle. The monkey hops into the bike's basket.
"Here, hide under this blanket so my mom doesn't see you – she hates it when I bring animals home."
CUT TO: Chris walking in the house – a man follows in.
"Hey mom, I'm home."
"Chris, honey, who's that strange man?"
"This is Professor Ward Churchill."
"Hello Miss Griffin. Nice house; want to use it as a terrorist training camp?"
The monkey puts on a blue blanket and Chris peddles the bike off.
"Hey! Come back here! I haven't spit on you yet!"
A quick secondary theme plays as Peter walks out into the backyard. Big Thinker is sitting at a small fire, cross-legged and chanting with his eyes closed.
"Whoa! Kemo sabe – fire!"
"Wait-"
Peter bends over, grabs the water hose and sprays the fire out.
"What the heck were you doing?" asks Peter.
"I was praying to the Great Spirit."
"Geez, I hope it wasn't the sun god, cause it looks like he tried to kill you."
"The Mezzojaha use a form of meditation to reach a relaxed state of consciousness, in order to communicate with out Great Spirit."
"Great Spirit? You are aware there's no such thing? Like gremlins, elves, Unbervamps, and contact e-mail for the I.R.S.."
"The Great Spirit is invisible to the common eye, but he formed the land, breathed in air and cried an ocean."
"No, god did that – and in seven days; talk about your work week. It's okay, you blasphemous little heevan," pats Big Thinker on his head.
"You have again offended my people."
"Oops – I did it again. Look, couldn't we just forget about it this once?"
"I could tell your wife…"
"Lois? She'll kill me if she fins out I insulted you again. Please don't tell her, I'll do give you anything you want."
"Anything?"
"Yeah, you name it. Except head."
"Give me the Dining Room."
Big Thinker gets up and walks into the house. Peter follows.
"The Dining Room?"
Big Thinker stops at the Dining Room entrance.
"It is right next to the basement entrance," Big Thinker persuades.
"Gee, I don't know…"
"Here is another beaded necklace."
"All right! Now I got a collection going. I guess you can take the Dining Room; we've barely used it in the last five years. Besides, we got a table in the kitchen anyway."
"Big thinker walks over to the door less Dining Room entrance, pulls out a hammer and nails a sign to the left side of the arched entrance. He walks away.
Peter reads it, "Now entering Mezojaha territory…
Damnit – my Batman coffee cup is in there," he reads the sign again – he catches small print: NO TRESPASSING.
"Ohhhhh….."
