Trouble Brewing in the House of Sand
Chapter 3: Scenes from a Dysfunctional Marriage
A/N to impressionable readers: Drugs are bad for you, and I do not advocate them in any way, shape, or form. (Except Crack Pairings. Support your local crack pairing.)
One fateful day a year or so later, the Kazekage returned from a long business trip to find everything pretty much the way he had left it. The kettle was hissing quietly to Temari, who was babbling back to it while holding onto one of Kankuro's wings, keeping him near the ground while he played. The Kazekage assumed that Yashamaru had been commissioned to watch them and had promptly abandoned them, this having been the case when he last saw his children. Yashamaru, in the Kazekage's opinion, was the most worthless, unreliable bum on the face of the planet. Oddly enough, this was Yashamaru's opinion of the Kazekage.
Counting on unimportant flunkie Baki, or, heck, dare to dream, even Yashamaru to realize that the children were unattended and act accordingly, the Kazekage headed towards his bedroom.
Sure enough, Rosemary was lying on the bed, watching TV, exactly as he had left her two weeks ago. Occasionally, just occasionally, the Kazekage felt that his life was in a rut.
"So, you're back," his wife observed without looking up from The Days of Our Lives.
"I'm back."
"How were the Chunin Exams? Fun, I hope. Memorable."
"It is very important that I be present."
"So much more than our anniversary," Rosemary sighed. "Every year, Lamont. Every, single year."
"Don't give me that crap," the Kazekage snapped irritably. "You don't want me here for our anniversary any more than I want to be here. And look at it this way, everybody admires how understanding you are, how supportive," he growled with extra sarcasm dripping on the "understanding" and "supportive" bits. "A boost up the social ladder, ne?"
"For you or for me?" Rosemary snarled back. "Who's the one worried? The only person I'm trying to impress is my burnt-out brother who said I shouldn't marry you in the first place, and frankly, it's damn hard to prove him wrong."
The Kazekage paused for a moment. "By the way, is he supposed to be watching the kids? Because he's not out there..."
Rosemary shrugged. "Oh, Baki will get them."
This point settled, the couple returned to their argument.
"I don't need your lazy-ass attitude after this week," the Kazekage growled, turning to leave.
"Why did you even come in here to begin with?" Rosemary snapped angrily.
"I..." The Kazekage paused and removed his hand from the doorknob he was in the process of turning. He became quiet, almost shy. "I brought you this," he mumbled, tossing a bag of suspicious greenery to his wife and turning to leave once more.
"Hey," Rosemary stopped him, smiling self-consciously, and held up the bag. "Do you... want to split it?"
"Y'know, y'know what's weird," the Kazekage said to his wife when the two of them were quite baked. "You can grow pot without sun, but you can't grow it without soil."
Rosemary leaned on his shoulder. "What happened?" she asked sadly.
"Huh?" asked the Kazekage, the subject change too much for someone in his condition.
"What happened to us, Lamont? We used to be so happy."
"Well, for starters, Anita, my name isn't Lamont."
"And mine isn't Anita."
"I've been busy... I've been running a nation," sighed the Kazekage.
"So busy that we haven't made love in over a year," Rosemary reminded him.
"I know,"he whispered, holding a hand over her mouth. "... you know, this has to be some pretty powerful stuff, because you look as beautiful as the day I married you."
Rosemary giggled like a stoned schoolgirl. "Funny...I noticed you're just as handsome."
"Come here, you."
And, for the first time in quite a while, Mr. and Mrs. Of the Sand became... intimate.
"Oh, Anita!"
"Oh, Yondy!"
"Yondy?"
"I mean... uh... Oh, Lamont!"
Two weeks later:
The Kazekage was at an important strategic meeting. "So, if we increase the number of troops along the border, we can tighten defenses here and-,"
"LAMONT!" Rosemary burst in, holding a thin, medical-looking object, which she dropped down on the map in front of her husband. "Is that blue?" she asked.
The Kazekage held it up to the light. "That's blue," he confirmed. "Very definitely blue..."
"Oh boy."
"Does... blue mean what it did...um... the last two times it turned blue?" he asked in an undertone. Rosemary nodded. The couple considered the strip again.
"Definitely blue," they sighed to one another. They turned their heads to the side. "Wait...well..."
"Here, let me see," one of the advisors offered, moving to behind his leader so he could see the strip. The other members of the council crowded around.
"Yup, that's blue," they all agreed.
