AUTHOR: Glinda
TITLE: No, you're not are you.
CATEGORY: angsty, past story, some present day action and romance in future chapters if my dear readers want it
PAIRING: S/J – I'm a shipper so sue me!
WARNING: Swearing, a little (not too much – couldn't bear to hurt my two favourites that bad!) graphic violence
SEASON: Before the series but after the movie
SPOILERS: The Movie, The First Commandment
DISCLAIMER: Neither the song or the characters are mine. Merely borrowed for the benefit of the story. No money is being made from them
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Be gentle it's my first! If you want more let me know. Hope you like. Finally continued this one…Its sort of pre-series & post-movie! Sam's just broken up with Jonas…dredged up Jack's number and telephoned him drunkenly to talk. Jack's thoughts on the path that her life's taken since he last saw her. He's not long back from Abydos and Sara's gone. Ooh and plus I think it can also be an answer to Challenge 1,765 on Heliopolis so I'll send it there when it's complete. Oh yeah and I nicked some of the actual dialogue from the episode so muchus gratius to and the stargate compendium for that. If you want to publish it other places just let me know and send me a link – always on the lookout for more fanfiction!
It's not been the best of years for Jack. First loosing Charlie and sinking into that bottomless pit of depression, then the whole life defining experience of the Abydos mission. And leaving the man who'd literally saved him from himself on an alien planet with no way home: even if that was what Jackson had wanted. Then coming home determined to fix things with Sara, understanding that even though they could never go back they might just be able to move forward: only to find that she'd gone. And now the message on his Answering machine was the last thing he'd needed.
He'd walked into his house that evening to find it flashing at him. Which was rare in itself.
# You called me from the room in your hotel #
An all too familiar voice echoed through the quiet room. Rough with alcohol and tears, faint music in the background. Pain assailed Jack like a sandstorm. He could hear the catch in her voice as she babbled about something.
"I'm so sorry bout this"
"Calling you at home – out the blue."
"I just . . .needed to talk to you."
"You know, I've had your number for months. I found it by accident and I just – kept it. Since then: I've tried to call but I never get to the last digit. I always stop myself. You know me! God forbid I should admit that I need someone!"
"I have to get drunk to actually get up the courage to do that – talk about twisted forms of Dutch courage, huh?"
God! She was completely wrecked.
#All full of romance for someone that you met #
"I mean that's what always wrecks things with my relationships isn't it?"
"It's like I'm drawn to increasingly fucked up people just so I can feel like I'm semi normal!"
"I mean, how pathetic is that?!"
"I have to fix people."
"Like if I fix them enough I'll find out how to fix me too."
#And telling me how sorry you were, leaving so soon #
"You don't need to worry tho."
"This is the only phonecall you'll be getting from me.
"I'm getting re-assigned to a different part of the project I'm working on. I won't tell you where or what…mainly cause dun dun duh! Yup, you guessed it! It's CLASSIFIED!!!"
"Bloody Airforce."
"And I'll leave this number stuffed in some wall cavity somewhere in the Pentagon where I'll never find it."
"And maybe."
"Just maybe I'll find someone who'll fix me like you used to. Someone real, someone stable.
#And that you miss me sometimes when you're alone in your room #
"But the truth is that I miss you."
"Not constantly…"
"Most of the time its just this dull ache in the bottom of my heart that I tell myself is nothing...and I can ignore it…"
"Most of the time...Which is good!"
"Because what we decided was for the best..."
"I believe that…we were right!"
"It's just..." He should have stopped her there. Walked away. Pressed stop/erase. He knew there was something he couldn't deal with coming.
#Do I feel lonely too? #
"Do you ever miss it?"
"I mean before we realised it had gone too far" snort of unamused laughter "before ol' green eyes?"
"Watching hockey games, stargazing, moaning about our families, friends, dates, jobs, school?"
"I miss being your friend, Johnathon…I wish to god we could have that back..."
#You have no right to ask me how I feel
You have no right to speak to me so kind
We can't go on just holding on to time
Now that we're living separate lives #
#Well I held on to let you go #
His marriage had never been exactly perfect. If he faced the truth it had been dying long before Charlie had pulled the trigger. Charlie had just blinded them to the truth, binding them together despite their growing differences. But he'd never have admitted that to Sara or even to himself in his heart. Had Sara not left they'd still be together, he could never have left her. He promised, hadn't he? Both himself and Sam, that he'd make it work with his new family. Refusing to admit that the sacrifices he'd made hadn't been worth while.
#And if you lost your love for me, well you never let it show #
Refusing to admit what he suspected Sara had long ago come to accept: that someone else would always have come first in his life. He'd tried to convince himself that his concern for Sam had been purely paternal or at the very least fraternal. But the older Charlie got, the more Jack had realised that while there was nothing he wouldn't do, say or sacrifice for his son, it was way different from what he'd felt for her. And the guilt was almost unbearable.
#There was no way to compromise #
"And don't think that I don't know that we...can't."
"We're good at denial but not that good."
"And I know we can't go back…that this can't change anything…and it shouldn't."
#So now we're living (living)#
"We've both moved on with our lives."
"And for the sake of actually having lives we have to be apart."
"You're doing the white picket-fence bit with Sara and Charlie and that's great...you know?"
How the heck did she even know he had a kid?
"Cause one of these days I'll have that. If I can get over my fixation with the emotionally wounded - like Jonas!"
#Separate lives #
"We're not the people we knew back then"
"Truth be told we probably wouldn't want to be."
#Ooh, it's so typical, love leads to isolation #
"We live in a dangerous world…you know?"
"People in my line of work would kidnap my brother's kids if they thought it would change how I did my job. So they can't know I even have a brother…let alone that he has kids…"
# So you build that wall (build that wall) #
"I get it now. You know?"
"Why you were always so sarcastic."
"Why you kept everyone at a distance."
"Cause if you care then people can use those you care about to hurt you."
"You were right."
"People in our line of work?"
"We can't afford to let anyone get close."
# Yes, you build that wall (build that wall) #
"So I suppose I should say Thank-you for teaching me that."
"If I want to succeed I need to toe that fine line."
"If that makes me a frickin ice-queen then so be it."
"As long as I can keep the balance between being one of the boys and an ice-queen then I can deal."
#And you make it stronger #
"What is it they say?"
"What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger."
"Well I've always been a case in point of that."
"So I figure, why stop now?"
# Well you have no right to ask me how I feel #
"Duty."
"Honor."
"Loyalty."
"Respect."
"And to hell with the personal."
"We fight, we kill, we triumph, we die and we leave no man behind."
"Cause that's what we signed up for."
"We sell our souls for the chance to touch the stars."
"Cause that's who we are Jack…"
"Guess after all this time."
"We're really not so different after all."
# You have no right to speak to me so kind #
The anger rose up again within Jack like a volcano. Only this time the answer machine had beeped cutting off her voice and replacing it with an electronic one telling him that the caller had withheld their number. Grabbing the offending object he lashed out at her in the only way he could – by pulling the machine out of the wall and throwing it across the room. It shattered against the wall, throwing bits of electronics and tape around like confetti. Destroying his last link to her.
# Some day I might (I might) find myself looking in your eyes #
Standing there in the sudden silence he felt a sudden desperate urge to hear her voice again. Unsure now if he was angry that she'd called…or that she'd prevented him calling her back and taking the same release. After all he'd been desperately wishing for the chance to talk to her since the day Charlie had… Guilt and loneliness assailed him like enemy troupes. Story of his life. Everything good in his life, he destroyed. Sliding down the wall beside the wreckage of his answer-machine that seemed to symbolise his life just perfectly he could feel himself shaking uncontrollably. Pulling his legs up so he formed into a protective ball, head resting on his knees, he became aware of someone sobbing their heart out. It wasn't until he felt the dampness soak through his trousers to his knees that he realised that it was him.
# But for now, we'll go on living separate lives #
With a murmured curse in Sam's direction, Jack finally, finally let himself start to grieve. For the wreckage that was his marriage, for the death of his son that he'd never forgive himself for, for those kids on Abydos who died for their freedom, for the friendship he'd never explore with Ska'ara and Daniel and for the stolen innocence of his one time protégé. And he hated them. Hated them so much that it hurt. After all she was right wasn't she. It was easier to hate them than love them. But then he'd never been one to take the easy option. The hard road was always the one he walked, and always would be. Love and hate used to be so simple, but she'd made them complicated. She made everything so damn complicated. But even in the depths of his hatred, he hated the truth more. No matter how much he grew to hate her, he loved her more.
# Yes for now, we'll go on living separate lives #
"Sir, there's a ladder over here." The voice drifted up to Jack as he attempted to distract himself from his less than charitable thoughts about his ex-protégé by stargazing. Kinda futile gesture given how often the pair of them had gone stargazing. The ladder creaked.
"Colonel Jack O'Neill?"
Oh no. Not this again. He didn't even bother to look up when he replied. "Retired."
"I'm Major Samuels."
"Air Force?"
"Yes Sir, I'm the General's Executive Officer."
"Want a little piece of advice Major? Get re-assed to NASA. That's where all the action's gonna be. Out there." Jack looks up through the telescope at a galaxy formation wondering which of those stars Daniel's orbiting.
"I'm uh, I'm under orders to bring you to see General Hammond Sir."
"Never heard of him."
"He replaced General West. He says it's important. Has to do with the Stargate."
Jack finally looks up, interested now.
Maybe he can go visit Daniel someday and forget all about Samantha.
Living on a different planet: now there's an opportunity for a clean break with the past.
Couldn't get more separate if he tried.
# Separate lives #
Finally re-edited to sort out that tendancy of to eat the formatting.
