Title: Live a True Lie

Author: Illusive

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Seed; if I did you wouldn't be reading this right now. Oh, and nor do I own the random lines from 'Lonely Nation' by Switchfoot that I'm using for my chapter titles.

Pairings: Athrun x Kira, Kira x OC, Athrun x Cagalli, a bit of Yzak x Dearka

Summary: When you have feelings you just can't explain, you try to find ways to hide them. For Athrun and Kira, it almost seemed easy when it came to pretending that they didn't love each other; yet that wasn't the case, there's no way you can hide true love by acting like you loved another.

Warning: AU. Shounen-Ai.

Author Notes: Okay fourth chapter. I'm pretty happy with how the fic is turning out right now. Of course I know it can be better, but I'm still learning. xP I want to thank everyone who reviewed. Thanks for all the encouragement and suggestions; they mean a lot to an author, and I'm sure most of you know that. xD And I know I suck at good timing updates but… yeah… don't kill me. Actually I think you guys have every right to kill me haha. I'm sooo sorry. xD So here it is. The fourth chapter to LaTL. Enjoy!

Flashbacks

Normal

"Speech"


4. Separate, We are One


"Okay, so here's the address and phone number. I still don't understand why you won't come with me. She wants to meet you too." Cagalli rummaged through her belongings and produced a slip of paper, which she handed to Athrun. She was currently getting ready to leave for a friend's house, and Athrun had declined the invitation to go. All he wanted to do was rest and not meet anymore giggling girls. Besides, he had met most of Cagalli's friends already, and he didn't really like them, just tolerated them…. Obediently he leaved over and gave Cagalli a short kiss before she left. Closing the door behind her, he wondered why his heart barely fluttered whenever he saw her. Shaking it off as nothing he went into the bathroom to get ready for another day. He just felt so weary sometimes…

He stared at his reflection in the mirror. The look in his eyes was foreign even to him. When did entertaining Cagalli and making her happy seem like such a chore? Athrun splashed his face with icy water, efficiently waking himself up. Shivering, he grabbed at towel and wiped his face. He grabbed a simple outfit from one of their suitcases and threw in messily on the counter and stepped into the shower. Minutes later the bathroom was steamed up as he enjoyed a relaxing warm shower. Suddenly he was hit with a guilty feeling, he knew that he had told Cagalli that he was tired so he didn't want to go with her, but really he had wanted to go and check up on Kira to see how his friend was doing. He didn't know why he had to lie to Cagalli, he was sure that she would understand… but his mind told him not to risk it… But what would he be risking anyways?

Every since they had come back to Japan, he had been confused… way too confused. Everything was collided. All those memories he didn't know he remembered were coming back, and somehow he felt like he had to do something he didn't before… but he just didn't know what… Athrun sighed. Everything… sucked, for a lack of better word. He turned off the tap and grabbed a towel to dry his hair. Shaking it out, he debated whether or not to cut it soon. It was getting long but he didn't know if he had time before the wedding and such. Using his palm, he wiped away the condensation that had fogged up the mirror and looked at himself again hoping to see some change. Nothing. He still looked weary and exhausted.

Slipping on the clothes he had prepared for himself, he gave up trying to look refreshed like he used to. Athrun grabbed his keys and headed out the door.

oOo

It's just some of those days where you lose sight of what used to be important

oOo

Cursing underneath his breath, Kira reached blindly for his wrench, which should've been right by his foot. It had been weeks since Ayoshi had scolded him for not fixing the link from his kitchen sink... Ayoshi, where'd you go?… He knew he had been wasting water, but it wasn't really on top of his priority list at the time. Now he was just procrastinating because he didn't feel like working on his book. The ending was always the hardest part for him to write. Muttering about faulty plumbing he got up from underneath the counter to see where he had kicked his wrench. It was a few feet away lying there just waiting for him. Frowning, Kira grabbed it and his went back underneath. A loud and firm knock on his door made his heart jump as his thoughts turned straight to Ayoshi.

He sat up straight and groaned when he hit his head on the underside of the counter. However, his panic made the pain seem not existent as he rushed to take off the dirtied gloves and race for the door. Kira lunged for the door, unlocked it, and yanked it open to meet the amused look of his best friend, "Athrun…" His tone was borderline disappointment as he looked up at Athrun.

"Wow, I feel welcome." Athrun teased his childhood friend and waited to be let in. Kira seemed to finally sense this and opened the door wider for Athrun, "I just wanted to see how you were holding up, Kira." His amused look turned to a serious one.

"I'm fine… I just…" Kira's words contradicted his face, "I tried calling her but no one answered."

"Give her a bit more time?" Athrun suggested as he followed Kira to the kitchen where he was surprised by the amount of tools spread out on the floor.

When Kira noticed Athrun looking at him with question, he explained himself, "Oh I was just trying to fix my tap 'cause it won't stop leaking."

"Need help? I remember you weren't really that good at fixing things…" Athrun commented as he got into the position Kira was just a few minutes ago.

"Well I'm not like you, I can't fix anything man-made." Kira retaliated by nudging Athrun with his foot as he waited for Athrun to assess the problem.

"Hey, play fair. I am fixing your sink for you right now." A muffled voice came from beneath the counter making Kira roll his eyes. And it was then that he forgot how much he missed Ayoshi…

Laughter filled his kitchen when Athrun came up sputtering when he did something wrong and water had forced its way out of the leak. Narrowing his eyes in mock offence, Athrun grabbed Kira and forced his face into the spray from the pipes causing the young man to choke on his own laughter and cry in protest. Forcing his way away from the offending water, Kira half crawled, half stumbled away dragging Athrun with him. Kira gasped for air with his back on the floor. Athrun slipped from the water on the ground and his face landed centre metres from Kira's.

Green met violet. Kira shivered, just barely, from the intensity of the look Athrun gave him. He felt something… something he hadn't felt in years. Something he didn't know he could feel again since Athrun left. He opened his mouth to say something but closed it again. There was nothing he could say, but he knew one thing. This attraction he felt all of a sudden was undeniably abnormal. His mind told him he was still in love with Ayoshi but his heart was playing a nice game of tug-of-war. He swallowed just before…

Athrun leaned over, not knowing what he was doing, but all he knew was he was following his instincts. Their lips met with a shocking jolt to both of them, and it was then they yearned for more. Their minds screamed that it was all a mistake, but it was ignored. Athrun took no time to position himself above Kira as they took a very brief breather before diving into each other again. He couldn't get enough of the brunet. Every touch led to another and another. Their tongues played together like they belonged together. They just couldn't stop.

Kira let out a small noise of pleasure and pressed their bodies together, sealing what little space was between them. He couldn't lie to himself and say that he didn't enjoy every fleeting touch or every passionate kiss. Kira held back a whimper when Athrun pulled away. It took a minute for them to realize what they had just done. However, their bodies wouldn't let them pull away in shock, as their first reaction would have been, "Athrun…" Kira whispered before he let himself be pulled into another kiss. Why? Why couldn't they stop themselves? Why wasn't Athrun feeling the guilt he was supposed to be feeling? After all it wasn't everyday that two best friends kissed in a kitchen even if they were both bisexual.

Cagalli was the last thing on Athrun's mind, and Ayoshi was just a faint echo in Kira's mind. Kira kissed back eagerly and shifted to a more comfortable position as Athrun leaned over more. His hands clutched at Athrun's loose shirt making the fabric wrinkled as they continued to taste each other. Soft breathing could be heard, as they broke apart for air. Their eyes met once again. A slight flush had appeared on Kira's face, but Athrun's eyes were of pure determination.

Kira came to his sense and spoke softly not wanted to ruin the mood his body seemed to crave, "Cagalli… Ayoshi… what… Athrun, we can't…"

"We can, we will…" Athrun said adamantly, refusing to let his engagement ruin the best thing he had felt since he left Japan. He leaned forward for another kiss but the other pulled back Kira opened his mouth to protest again, but his body didn't seem to want to back-up his mouth, "No, shut up, Kira, I don't care… I don't fucking care. I finally have you. I don't know what the hell I'm doing, but I don't care. I never should have left Japan… never should've left you."

"Athrun…" Kira almost melted at those words, but he shook his head, "We can't. I won't let you hurt Cagalli like this. She's good to you. This," He gestured with his hand while bracing himself up on the floor with the other, "This is just what our bodies is telling us to want. It's pure lust. Nothing more."

Athrun's eyes hardened, "What do you know Kira? How do you know how I feel? I left Japan because I thought I would never have a chance with you. Even though you insisted you were bisexual, you always preferred girls more… And you never once got any of my hints." He grasped Kira's chin and forced those vibrant, shining eyes to look into his, "I'm not letting you go now that I have you."

"Weren't you just telling me about how Ayoshi would come back? Ayoshi… Cagalli… We can't… we can't hurt them." Kira shook his head as best he could. His eyes reflected the guilt he felt.

Athrun couldn't believe how much he was willing to risk at this point and the words came out before he could think about them, "If they don't know… They don't have to know."

"No!" Kira blurted out, eyes wide with horror, "Athrun! Why… how can you think this way?"

"I don't know." Athrun looked genuinely frustrated and confused. His mind was telling him so many things but his body never ceased to betray him. Yet in the far corner on his mind he knew, this was where he belonged. He belonged with Kira and he couldn't just live a lie and pretend that he didn't, "Just please… please tell me you need me as much as I need you."

Kira look at him. The struggle to say what he wanted and needed versus what he knew he should say made him tongue-tied. Athrun's hopeful face deflated with each passing second, and Kira knew he had to say the right thing, "I do… I really do…" He looked away and looked at his blurred reflection in the water on the floor. He knew fully well that Athrun was looking happier each second, but it wasn't going to last, "But…" The hope radiating off Athrun faded again, "I can't think of myself anymore. You can't think of yourself anymore."

Athrun froze realizing rejection for what it was. He shook his head in denial. Raising a shaking hand up, he grabbed Kira's chin again and held his best friend's head in place. Dipping his head low again, he murmured, "Think about what you're saying 'no' to here. Don't you want to be happy?" Without waiting for an answer, he covered Kira's lips with his own once more. With that simple kiss, he conveyed what he wanted and needed. Kira didn't respond, but he didn't move away either. Torn between decisions, his body felt numb and paralysed.

"Holy shit, Athrun! Kira! What the fuck?!" The loud outburst came from the doorway to the kitchen causing the two the break out of their reverie and turn quickly to see Dearka at the door with a shocked expression with Yzak standing behind him. They untangled themselves, and Athrun stood up off to a distance. Kira fidgeted in his spot and refused to meet the eyes of his friends. Neither Athrun nor Kira denied anything.

Dearka looked over his shoulder at Yzak. There was an awkward moment when neither knew what to do. They looked at their flushed friend with a look akin to puzzlement and disappointment. They had been sure that Kira had gotten over Athrun. After all, he had gone out with Ayoshi for a long time, and they knew the two had a strong relationship. So what had happened? Yzak walked towards Kira and grabbed his friend's wet arm not caring to question as to why he was wet, "Come Kira, we need to talk to you. Excuse us, Athrun." The latter part was spoken with a bit of a chilly tone.

Athrun blinked hard, trying to believe that what had happened didn't really happen. He buried his face into his hands and groaned. He just couldn't believe that he had just messed up everything… again.

oOo

In school, erasers were enough to erase your mistakes. It just doesn't work that way in real life.

oOo

"Kira! What are you doing?! I thought you were over him!" Dearka ranted at the sullen boy as they talked in Kira's room. Yzak didn't have much to say, but his disapproving look was enough to make anyone feel guilty.

Kira threw up his hands in defeat, "I don't know, okay!?" His tone was sharp, almost yelling, he never lost his temper like this quickly, "I just, I'm sick of pretending."

Dearka looked warily at his friend, "Pretending? What do you mean?"

"I mean pretending to love Ayoshi. She… she just reminded me so much of Athrun. Her personality was so similar, and her looks… I just couldn't … not ask her out." Kira fought back tears and looked away. Throughout the whole situation, his vibrant eyes never met those of another, "I just wanted Athrun… so bad. Is that so wrong? To love your best friend so much that it hurts and that you have to find a replacement?"

"Well, what are you going to tell her, huh? Stop thinking about what you want and start focusing on the mess you've made!" Yzak finally put in his two cents. He looked heatedly at Kira, not understanding how his kind friend could have been so selfish as to knowingly enter into a relationship while knowing that the other party could easily be hurt.

"I'm not going to tell her anything! I don't have to! She left yesterday, and I doubt she's coming back." Kira yelled bitterly.

Dearka wasn't sure whether to comfort his friend or to give him another lecture. He resorted to doing nothing, "Yzak let's go. I think Kira needs some time alone." Yzak shrugged and followed as his boyfriend left.

Athrun was left alone still sitting forlornly in Kira's kitchen.

oOo

What doesn't kill you…

oOo

"Damn Kira… what was he thinking?" Dearka swore as he looked out the window. Houses were passing by at a quick fashion. He pressed his forehead to the cold glass; he felt an uneasy feeling. He leaned into the touch as Yzak rubbed circles on his back. His boyfriend was being unusually comforting, but he knew it was mostly because they were both worried for Kira.

Yzak held the steering wheel with one hand and drove silently. He wanted to know why Kira would do such a thing to Ayoshi. Ayoshi was a sweet girl, but he would agree, she did look and act like Athrun. He swore underneath his breath and applied more pressure to the gas pedal. Things were looking grim for Kira, and Athrun in the scene didn't make it any better since he was the one who caused the problems in the first place.

oOo

makes you stronger.

oOo

Kira stood up; he didn't really feel like doing anything anymore, but he felt hungry and exhausted. All he could remember was the feel of Athrun's lips on his and good it felt. At least he didn't cry throughout the whole time. He headed for the kitchen to get something to eat, and saw Athrun still sitting there in silence, "You're… you're still here?" He asked with a quiet tone.

Athrun never answered his question, "Give me a chance." Determination seeped through his tone, and he gave Kira a hard look. He walked slowly towards Kira, "Please."

Kira couldn't answer. His body and heart told him to say yes; his mind vehemently disagreed. He shook his head yet stepped closer. He looked away, but his hand reached out. His mind screamed 'no' yet his heart won the battle.

Athrun caught Kira before he fell to his knees. The navy haired man held his friend close as they sank towards the wet floor. He whispered sweet nothings as they just sat there. He tightened his grip as he felt Kira begin to sob. He watched as heavy sobs wracked Kira's body yet it seemed no tears came. He leaned over with all intentions of kissing Kira.

"I'm so confused, Athrun. I can't…" Kira whispered, "I can't; I can't; I can't…" Over and over he muttered those two words yet his body once again betrayed him. And he was the one to seal the kiss. Time stopped for that moment, as a thousand thoughts ran through Kira's mind.

"Come on," Athrun picked up the shivering man, "We're going to get a cold." He brought Kira to his washroom where he stripped Kira of his clothing with little resistance.

Kira shivered as lukewarm water, which was turning hot, met with his skin before he got used to the temperature. He turned violet eyes to see Athrun get in the shower with him. Then it hit him as Athrun wrapped his arms around Kira again. This is where he belonged. Right here in Athrun's arms, and he'd be damned if he let Cagalli get in the way. He didn't care if she got hurt; he just wanted what he wanted. Then a flash of guilt came his way, but that was gone in another flash.

Athrun was surprised when Kira turned around. Yet he didn't mind so much after the shock wore down, and he realized that Kira was kissing his aggressively. He replied back with the same amount of passion. Pushing Kira against the shower wall, he proceeded to take back what he had been denied for so long. His tongue couldn't get enough as he practically swallowed Kira's mouth under the hot streams of water.

Kira grasped blindly for something to keep him steady as his knees felt way too weak. He grabbed at Athrun's shoulders to keep his balance and to pull the other closer. The non-existent friction between when skin met skin came to Kira in waves of pleasure and heat. He gasped for air only to choke on water and be smothered by another heated kiss from Athrun. He didn't mind. No, he didn't mind at all, not that he could think. Everything was a haze of hands, touching, and their mouths. Everything just felt so good…

Then Kira couldn't take it anymore. He collapsed to the surprise of Athrun. He couldn't believe the thoughts he was thinking. They were filled with such sweet sin and the distaste he felt for Cagalli. All these thoughts were not something he would usually think. He was known to be a nice guy, someone who wouldn't dare do anything to offend others. Now he was giving into what he wanted… and he realized he could care less what happened to Ayoshi and Cagalli as if he had just forgotten about them.

Athrun looked with concern at his best friend… then let out a sharp intake as Kira pushed him down and began to ravish him…

oOo

Be my escape, my sweet, sweet escape.

oOo

Athrun gave an exasperated look to his best friend, now lover. He was currently naked in bed with Kira who was muttering nonsense about how he was cheating on Ayoshi, and he couldn't do that. He waited for Kira to stop talking, but that never happened. Athrun then decided to place a hand over Kira's mouth to stop the brunet from saying anymore. He whispered sweetly sinful words, "Forget her. She doesn't deserve you…" He leaned over and replaced his hand with a soft kiss.

It had been a week since they had discovered each other's desires. Cagalli didn't seem to suspect anything, as Athrun was careful with his explanations as to why he went out a lot. Also Cagalli was busy with preparations and her own family. She made frequent visits to her parents as she hadn't seen them since she had went to study abroad. Athrun was careful to make sure their schedules never conflicted, and always gave Cagalli what she wanted. He knew his fiancée well, and somehow could push away the guilty feeling he had for cheating on her. He wasn't heartless, but he did know what he wanted even if it was so, so wrong.

Kira sighed when Athrun pulled away from the butterfly kiss. He leaned into the other's embrace and said no more, but his thoughts weren't laid to rest yet. He still couldn't understand how much guilt came from something so good. Maybe if they had put more effort into communicating even through the distance then they wouldn't have a complicated mess in their hands. If they hadn't done a lot of things, just maybe things would've been normal, but how normal could their relationship be anyways?

Athrun held Kira close, thinking that if they weren't in such close proximity with such tantalizing temptations then they would both start remembering how wrong their relationship really was. He immediately responded to Kira's touches as the other ghosted his hands down his body and placed kisses down his throat. Athrun in return brought his body even closer to Kira's as the brunet climbed on top of him. Sudden friction caused Kira to gasp against Athrun's pale skin. Athrun took this opportunity to take over. He loved the little sounds Kira made as he flipped over the brunet and teased the other man with his tongue to no end.

oOo

Some people need what they want and are left blinded to other's needs…

oOo

Cagalli sighed as she sipped her drink. She opted for a diet coke instead of the vodka shots, martinis, and other various alcoholic drinks everyone else was having at the club they occupied. She had a meeting in the morning with their 'wedding planner', and she didn't want a splitting headache deterring her from that. Her eyes watched Athrun interact with his old friends. She had gotten along well with most of them, save for Flay, and knew they were good people. The times that Athrun brought her to these social outings, she always had fun.

As she watched Athrun talk or rather mouth words to Kira as they danced to the loud music, she noticed just how much Kira had similar features to herself and how close the two friends were. She shook her head; she was delusional. Cagalli took another sip of her coke intending to join her fiancé on the dance floor in another few seconds. Suddenly dread clutched at her causing panic to settle in her stomach for no reason. She looked up to see Flay with a positively evil smile standing in front of her.

"Cagalli." The girl's voice even seemed to ooze danger.

Cagalli nodded her head at Flay and replied politely, "Flay."

"I saw you watching Kira and Athrun. Kira is positively delicious when he dances don't you think? Well Athrun isn't half bad himself…" Flay sat down across from the blonde not caring that annoyance was coming off in waves from Athrun's fiancée, "Haven't you just noticed how close those two are… They're practically touching as much as they can without being too suspicious. But of course, to observant people, they would know something was up." Flay seemed to notice that Cagalli paled even though the lights were dimmed inside the club, "What? You didn't notice? Oh don't worry, I'm sure it's just because they're good friends. I mean, Athrun can't be queer; he loves you, right?" She said that as though it was a real question.

Cagalli newfound dread was building to build. She knew Flay's words were empty… But she couldn't help but question her own thoughts she had before. The past two weeks had been confusing since she hadn't been able to spend time with Athrun as much, but she knew he had been with Kira a lot because supposedly Ayoshi had left him after a fight. She didn't know, but she trusted Athrun, "Flay, just shut up. I don't know what happened but somehow I think you're the reason why Ayoshi left Kira. I don't need your shit too." Cagalli's dangerous personality was surfacing…

"Why do you think that?" Flay answered sweetly, "Oh you mean that little argument I had with the girl when you first met us?"

Cagalli swallowed hard, she actually hadn't remembered that, but now she did and Flay's words were coming back.

The only person he's got eyes for is the only one who left him.

Flay smiled triumphantly at Cagalli's obvious discomfort, "Of course, I'm sure you've also noticed how similar you and Kira are. Looks especially. You two could pass off as siblings… Does that tell you something? Ah, you don't look well, maybe you should go home. I'll call Athrun for you…"

Cagalli's blood was boiling, and it still was when Athrun came over concerned, "Cagalli, are you okay? Flay said you weren't feeling well…"

She looked up at Athrun; Kira was now with Yzak and Dearka, "I think it's a bit stuffy in here." She lied, "Can we go back to the hotel now?"

"Yeah sure, let me just tell Kira." Cagalli flinched at that name, but Athrun didn't notice as he had turned around to find his friend.

Flay smiled as she walked away.

oOo

If life was simple, things would be boring, but no one ever wanted life to be this hard.

oOo

"Athrun?" Cagalli called out to her betrothed who was currently in the washroom washing his face.

Athrun blinked a few times as a few water droplets irritated his eyes, "Hm?" He replied almost unconsciously.

Cagalli didn't really know how to go about asking Athrun if he was cheating on her or not. She just wished that Flay was wrong and that she was being stupid about the whole thing, "You and Kira… what did Flay mean when she was arguing with Ayoshi the first night we were here?"

Athrun froze, but his voice was steady, "Nothing. Flay was nothing but trouble after Kira rejected her. She was just jealous about how close we were I guess."

"Just how close are you two?" She further implored while fingering the ring around her fourth finger.

Athrun peered out of the washroom, "What are you on about? You know we're best friends, and we've been together for like forever… well the last past years…"

"So you've never been in a … relationship with him?" Cagalli barely let him finish before launching onto the next question.

She was a bold girl and soon she would find out things she never wished to know.

"I…" Athrun wanted to say no, to sooth her fears, to protect his relationship with Kira, but he couldn't lie. Cagalli deserved the truth, the truth that would probably kill her, the truth that he didn't want to let out into the open yet. So he said nothing.

"Athrun…" Her voice hovered on his name dangerously. She was met with silence. Her temper blew, "Don't think I haven't seen you with him! The way you look at him. The way you two interact. Flay may be wrong about a lot of things, but I don't think she's wrong when she says that something is up with you two. I've never seen two best friends so close. It's wrong. It's sickening! Just tell me whether or not you're sleeping around with your own best friend so I don't have to waste my time being your fiancée!"

Athrun looked at her with startled eyes. How did she know? He was sure that he was so careful. He didn't say anything however. He didn't know what to say. And at the moment, he was extremely guilty to find that he wouldn't care if Cagalli broke off the engagement with him.

"I can't take this…" Cagalli muttered grabbing a few things, "I'm going over to a friend's." Athrun stepped out of the washroom, "Don't bother." Cagalli sneered at him slamming the door on her way out.

It was then that Athrun knew he had lost himself within his love for Kira. Was it even love for Kira or a love for living on the edge? He was going to hurt so many people, but, once again, he wanted what he did. He fell to the floor. How was he so selfish? How did he make Kira so selfish? He buried his face in his hands. Everything truly was a mess.


Author's Notes: Wow, this took me waay too long to update. I'm sorry. I know I've said it a billion times, but here it is. Thanks for all your support guys. I know I've taken a long time but every time I log into my account and see the amount of viewers and reviewers, I know I have to speed up the progress.

Thanks a bunch to:

furin-a, Black Magician Girl3, DrgnKiyo, Juniper35, Tracyj16, cobaltstar, and Darkmoon Fleur.

Keep rocking my socks! Thanks so much!