disclaimer: i lay claim to nothing but the plot.
The Greater Pain
"Six… six games to love to Kirihara," Yamazawa's voice was quivering uncontrollably as he announced the outcome of the game.
"Che," the Junior Ace spat, a smirk smeared across his face as he sauntered off courts without even sparing a glance at his fallen opponent. The court was suddenly surging with people, probably concerned with his opponent's injuries.
So weak.
Yet as he passed out of the gate, he suddenly gripped the fence. So hard that his knuckles turned white. His breath was ragged and irregular almost as if he was forcing himself to breathe. Not that anyone noticed. Nobody ever noticed that even the Devil was only human off courts; it just sort of escaped them.
Emerald green orbs darted towards a certain towering senior who was perfectly composed, perfectly untouchable, perfectly perfect. Who wasn't looking in his direction at all..
His smirk widened.
So weak…
Then the moment was over and he started towards the clubhouse again.
From the next court, the Master turned his head ever so slightly back to the game between Jackal and Hiroshi.
As he sank himself onto the bench in the refuge of the clubhouse, Akaya was panting hard; he could barely remember the last time he was this tired. This total exertion of himself. He felt ready to fall on his feet; his head was spinning and it was almost painful to breathe.
He threw his head back against the wall and felt the pain reverberate through his whole body. A ragged smile bloomed on his face.
The blinding pain that blew everything else away.
He loved it, this feeling of immense lightheadedness, this exquisite torture. This welcome relief from the pain of the past few days which had just intensified tenfold a few minutes ago. A few minutes ago, when Yanagi talked to him about his… improvement in speed. He squeezed his eyes shut and let himself drown in the fatigue.
And the pain.
Drown himself into oblivion with physical pain so he had no need to feel the greater pain in his heart. No need to feel his heart being torn apart.
It was almost sadistic but he was used to it. Used to pain.
Yanagi senpai…
Unlike most people, Akaya had never shunned pain, had always embraced pain. It made him aware, and it made him forget. Forget everything, for now. He knew he would eventually wake from this dream, but right now, he had a means to escape until the time he woke up.
Pain was good.
"Yo, Akaya. You're early." Akaya's eyes snapped open to find Niou's smirking face barely an inch away from his own. He gave an involuntary yelp as he fell sideways on the bench blabbering intelligibly in surprise. Since when was Niou-senpai in the clubhouse as well?
Niou grinned as he rested his chin on the bench so that he was staring straight and level into the second year's wide-open eyes. "Surprised?" he jabbed.
"Wha… What are you doing here senpai?" Akaya managed to force out as he scooted away from the threateningly harmless silver-head. Niou Masaharu was always the worst when he was being harmless, a conclusion Akaya drew from past experiences.
"Thought you'll laze out here, huh? Tsk tsk. Good thing I was here to catch you in the act, ne?" Niou wiggled his index finger at Akaya, eyes glinting ominously. The junior, realizing he was trapped on the narrow strip of a bench, swallowed hard.
"But that's only because he's beaten everybody else, Niou. You call that lazing out?" Yagyuu's voice rang out as he entered the clubhouse.
"Yagyuu senpai!" Akaya took the opportunity to leap up from the bench and scurried to the side of his bespectacled senpai. Only to run into the last person he wanted to face that day.
"A…" Yanagi started as he reached to steady the junior.
With his sharp reflexes Akaya was soon on the other side Yagyuu. Yanagi's outstretched hand twitched a little before returning to his side.
"You're the one lazing out, more like. Where have you been? I looked for you everywhere," Yagyuu continued mildly as if nothing had happened.
"You're worried about me, Hiro-chan?" Niou beamed as he slung an arm around Yagyuu. "That's a rare occurrence." He blinked in mock innocence as he snuggled into Yagyuu's shoulder.
"I almost had to run a hundred laps because of you," the Gentleman explained as he made his way to his usual corner, brushing the Trickster off.
"Ahh. I thought so too. You do hate running so much, ne? It messes up your hair, no?" Niou teased, eyes narrowing in mirth. Yagyuu remained unfazed as he settled into his usual corner.
"I just don't like being punished for something that isn't my fault. I don't hate running." Yagyuu adjusted his glasses.
"Ahh. So cold, ne?" Niou shrugged as he tossed his head to the side nonchalantly; he was hurting so much he thought he would die. "And here I was trying to be nice for once…"
"Nice to whom?" Yagyuu tossed his doubles partner a sideways look. "Anyone you decide to be nice to ought to be tended to immediately."
"Oi, be fair, Hiro-chan! I was just looking for poor little Bun-chan who had been mercilessly kicked off the lineup and left to mope all by himself, is all." Niou pouted slightly as he leaned towards Yagyuu. "You guys are too heartless, Hiroshi," Niou added, just loud enough for about everyone in the clubhouse to hear, eyes narrowing as he stole a glance at Jackal who had just passed through the doorway.
The defence specialist seemed to have paled a little, not that anyone noticed anyway.
"What? Marui-senpai's off the lineup? But... but..." Akaya spluttered loudly in surprise; he had been too caught up with practice to notice what was going on around him. As such, he was probably the last one in the club to know about it.
"Hey chill, pup. You're loud; there's no need to tell the whole world, you know," Marui drawled as he appeared out of nowhere. "Oh hi Jackal!" Lilac grey eyes widened in pleasant surprise as they sought out the familiar presence, just as if the owner had not expected to find him there. "How's practice?" the redhead asked, bouncing to the side of his doubles partner.
"F...fine. But where were you all this while? I... I couldn't find you anywhere." Jackal lowered his voice. "I was so worried." His voice was a mere whisper as he dropped his gaze.
So worried... about him, always.
"Hey, Jackal. I'm fine." Marui gently touched the side of Jackal's face. Jet black eyes darted towards the smaller boy's face. "Don't worry about me. I'll take care of myself." A smile, before he turned to Yanagi.
Jackal... gomenasai.
"Oi, Yanagi! Get my menu out soon! I've got to be back on line before the Kantou Games!" Marui jabbed a finger at his doubles partner. "What's Jackal gonna do without a tensai like me?" Then he caught Jackal's eyes and winked.
What am I going to do without you? Jackal grinned and slung his arm around Marui as he always did when he wanted to hug Marui to himself badly but could not because there were people watching; Jackal was happy. Marui smiled quietly to himself as he let himself melt into the arm for a while. He liked making Jackal happy, liked it above everything else.
What am I going to do without you, watching you do without me?
"I'm glad there are no hard feelings between the two of you. And I'm glad you're not holding it against me, Marui." Yanagi was back to normal as he continued, "It pleases me that you're eager to overcome your weaknesses. So, from tomorrow onwards, I'll double your overall training menu, and triple your stamina training..."
Marui paled with every passing second. "Oi, oi, Yanagi..." he said weakly.
Everyone burst into laughter.
Niou did not look as Marui as he doubled over in bouts of mock laughter; he did not need to look to know how pained the other boy was. He knew it all too well.
"Pull yourselves together, everyone. Stop making fools out of yourselves." Sanada, as always, made quite an entrance with his commanding presence.
All sound dissipated into thin air; Sanada was that daunting.
Unconsciously, Yagyuu straightened ever so slightly, eyes trained intensely on the fukubuchou. Niou pulled away quickly as if touching him burned, but Yagyuu took no notice. Niou was never predictable and so he never bothered to. And right now he had Sanada to worry about.
Niou's petty tempers could wait.
Beside him, Niou's mind started to shut down on him. Again.
Akaya could not really understand what was being said to them; all of it was a fuzz to him. But he guessed it must be something important because the Kantou tournament was drawing near, and also because Yanagi senpai was furiously writing away in his book again. For a while, Akaya allowed himself to get lost in the rhythmic movements of pen over paper like he used to in the past. Back, when he used to... He flinched mentally. It didn't matter. What was in the past was the past.
No matter how much he wished it wasn't so.
Yanagi senpai...
Suddenly he felt an all-too-familiar wave gush through him, rushing straight for his eyes. He fell into the well-worn routine of forcing his eyes wide, so wide that they stung, so that his tears wouldn't fall. So that he would not betray himself. It was something he had learnt as a child. If he did not give anyone the pleasure of seeing him cry, then they would leave him alone, so he had learnt to swallow his tears even though it burnt him doing so.
Never had he thought that he would one day come to use it so often it became a habit.
He noticed his hands shaking so he clasped them to himself to keep them still. Sanada fukubuchou seemed to be talking about the lineup now because Marui senpai was smiling as if he was being crushed and did not want anyone else to see it. Akaya's throat tightened as he averted his gaze. He really should be a nice kohai and spare more thought for his senpai- it must feel absolutely horrid to be scraped off the list barely a month before the Kantou tournament. But how could he, when all that he could think of right now- if he was even thinking at all to begin with- was all that had transpired in the past few days, when all that he could see was the expressionless face of... his... Yanagi senpai. If he could still call him his. Fingernails drew thin trails of blood that he did not even notice.
It wasn't fair for Yanagi senpai to treat him this way, but it was fine with him. It must have been his fault anyway. He must have made Yanagi senpai angry; he must have done something wrong. If only Yanagi senpai would tell him what it was. If only he would look at him again, and tell him what he did wrong. Then Akaya would change and never do it again.
But he never did. He just walked away, like Akaya wasn't there, like Akaya didn't matter to him at all. It was never hard falling in love with someone like Yanagi Renji, it was loving him that was hard.
Like a snail, going around with that shell of his. Moving so slowly, afraid of being hurt and afraid of hurting. Withdrawing into its infallible fortress every time it is touched.
A lost child, frightened, not knowing what to do.
But Akaya loved him nonetheless; he had made up his mind to love him a long time ago, even if he was every bit as scared as his Yanagi senpai. He would love him and be loved back because he wanted it no other way.
He wanted it this way, even if it meant getting hurt along the way. So he had bit back tears when things were rough, had waited whenever Yanagi senpai shrank away from him; it was the way he chose. Because Yanagi senpai would eventually come back and they would be closer than before.
But what had happened the past few days was beyond him.
He could take any pain, any hurt if it meant having Yanagi senpai in the end, wait for as long it needed for Yanagi senpai to come to him. But this pain was different. Because this time, Yanagi senpai may never come back, and he wouldn't even know why. It scared him to death.
Beyond death.
And then there it was, that burning heat at the corner of his eyes scorching him; he wouldn't be able to hold it any longer. He had to go; he must not cry in front of Yanagi senpai.
From where he was sitting, Yanagi watched. He barely knew what he was writing as he continued to watch the green eyed junior seated across him. Not that Akaya noticed anyway; he was too busy listening to Sanada. Frowning a little, he glanced at what he had just written and realised, unsurprisingly, that he could not make out a single thing he had penned. No bother; he could always ask Jackal later.
Right now, he was thinking too much about Akaya to pay attention.
His hand faltered when he saw those bright green eyes sweep towards him. An excruciating pain shot through all of him tearing his insides apart. Akaya... He needed Akaya, like he needed air. Every moment without Akaya was living death. Yanagi was living a life of death, had been living it ever since that day. He could never be truly alive without Akaya.
His Akaya.
As it was, he could no longer be sure if Akaya was his anymore. Or if Akaya had been his to begin with. And he was too scared to find out.
A sudden noise jolted him back to Sanada. Except that it was not the fukubuchou that made the jarring sound.
"If there's nothing important, Sanada fukubuchou, may I go now? I'm tired," Akaya sounded as audacious as ever as he stood up suddenly, chair scraping harshly against the ground. Eyebrows were raised at the younger boy's words.
"Getting cheeky, aren't we?" Niou drawled as he straightened from his slouched position beside Yagyuu. He shook his head slowly at the green-eyed boy. "Bad Akaya. Why don't you keep a closer look on your little puppy, Yanagi? He hasn't been as good as he used to lately." Niou grinned as he shot a sly look at the Master.
Yanagi felt himself tense at Niou's words. Yet as he looked towards Akaya, the junior did not even seem to care. He stretched like a cat.
He didn't care.
Yanagi dropped his pen.
There was suddenly an uncomfortable silence in the room. As if some sort of blanket had fallen over them. It was awkward and it was unnatural.
"I'm going," Akaya stated flatly as he started towards the door.
"Before you leave, Akaya, remember that we'll be paying Yukimura buchou a visit tomorrow," Sanada said quietly.
There was a unanimous sharp intake of breath in the clubhouse. Yagyuu twitched a little and frowned. Niou chose not to see the worry on the Gentleman's face; he was not sure if he could keep his pretence up any longer. He felt as if he were dying, but that was something that he was fast becoming accustomed to.
"We're visiting buchou tomorrow?" Jackal asked incredulously.
Sanada looked straight ahead as he stood up. "He needs to be updated on the changes in the club. Especially since the Kantou tournament is coming up soon; he is still our buchou after all." His voice barely shook as he forced the words out of his mouth. "Dismissed."
Sanada turned and left the clubhouse. Yagyuu was the first to recover and a moment later he was out of the clubhouse as well. It was a long while before the rest of the Regulars recovered. One by one they left the clubhouse in silence.
All of them had matters to mull over and feelings to deal with before the next morning came. They mustn't let their buchou worry, and Yukimura Seiichi, being the highly sensitive person that he was, worried easily.
Tomorrow was going to be a long, long day.
A/N: Ah! Gomenasai! I took soooooo long to complete this chapter! So sorry I kept people waiting. But the thing was that I met up with this humongous writer's block that left me stumped for weeks trying to gather everybody up in this chapter. It still turned out worse than I thought. And there were tests, assignments, crap. Then there were the 2 weeks of attachment to a law firm. It was fun cos I learnt tonnes there, but draining. So I became even more stumped. Wah! But at least I'm moving this along. It's 2.25 am here where I am and I should really go sleep if I still value my brain cells, but the problem is that I write best during unearthly hours in the morning, even though I'm usually half-dead after that. Ah wells. Oyasumi!
