Author's Note: This story has got a mind of it's own now, and I fear for my sanity. I am also slightly ashamed at what I am doing to Mrs. Meyer's characters – I love them dearly, but what do you expect when you have to wait a year for the next book? Once again, thank you to the lovely and talented Unicorn Goddess for being my beta!!! Go read her stuff, after your done here!!! The PE thread at the lexicon had an influence in this chapter…ahem…Linda Roo!!!
Disclaimer: The Twilight series and all of its characters belong entirely to Stephenie Meyer!
I finally convinced Bella to come out of the bathroom. If she had spent another second in there I was planning on break breaking down the door. My bargaining chip was that I wouldn't bring up what had just transpired in her bedroom only moments ago.
It was morning and I was now heading home. I was thinking about her motivations for doing what she did. It was obvious that she wanted more from our relationship, but could I really give her that, now, before she became one of us?
What I never expected was for Bella to put the moves on; regardless I was pleasantly surprised. Bella revealed a new side to her character everyday and she always kept me guessing.
As I thought about how far we could go, Carlisle's words came to mind, "Well Edward if you are gentle and thoughtful as much as is possible in those moments of passion…" I shuddered at the memory of that conversation.
He had also mentioned protection…I wondered if Jasper or Emmett had anything like that. It would be a good idea to at least see if it would be durable enough, in the very unlikely chance that Bella and I…went…further.
Once home I dashed up to Emmett and Rosalie's room and rifled through some of their drawers. Most of them were relatively safe, except for the underwear drawers, which I wished I had never laid my eyes upon. I was struggling to erase the image of Emmett prancing around his room wearing a zebra print thong.
Afraid to go any further in the nymphomaniacs' room, I headed for Jasper's room. Surely Alice and Jasper were nowhere as experimental as Emmett and Rosalie. I started with their closet and what I discovered in there had me stumbling backwards. At the very back I uncovered a gladiator uniform, doctor's scrubs, a girl's school uniform, and a French maid outfit.
I rubbed my temples and shook my head to dispel the images, "Isn't anyone normal in this house…"
"What do you mean?" Jasper had just appeared in the doorway, I had been too preoccupied with trying to eradicate the disturbing images in my mind to hear him coming.
"Ahhh nothing, never mind, sorry, I'll get out of your way." I said hastily
"Oh no, wait a minute…what were you doing in here?" Jasper replied as he blocked my exit.
"Nothing, now get out of my way." I stated while I seriously contemplated escaping through the window.
"Hold on," Jasper leaned forward and picked up the feelings in the air, "Why are you embarrassed, disgusted and aroused all together?" Jasper inquired with an amused expression on his face.
I groaned. This wasn't going to be easy to get out of. I sighed, giving up, maybe Jasper could help? "I was looking for…I just wanted to see…I was wondering about…"
"Oh come on spit out you baby, what are you 13?"
"You know what never mind. Now get out of the way."
"Okay okay, I'm sorry," He had his hands up in surrender. "Come on, let me help, what do you want to ask me, you know brother to brother, man to man?"
"I was looking for condoms, okay??" There I said it, albeit in a rush of bumbling words, hoping Jasper wouldn't understand what I said.
As I tried to side step past Jasper who was blocking the door, he put his hands up to stop me, "So you and Bella are finally going to do the deed, huh? Way to go my man!" He put out his fist for me to hit.
"No, it's not like that," My shoulders slumped forward in defeat, "I just…Jasper, can we keep this between the two of us? I mean can you keep this conversation from the rest of the family, including Alice?"
"Of course, of course…finally you're letting someone help you! It's about time; we were thinking you were going to explode!" He chucked a little then caught my expression and composed his face again. "Sorry, I couldn't help it…we've all be waiting. We've…well…okay never mind that, what do you want to know?"
I thought about it for a moment, and realized, what do I have to lose? It was only my dignity and after this I'm sure I wouldn't have that either, "So, condoms…do you have any?"
"No…why would you need those?" He genuinely looked perplexed.
I listened to his mind, once I realized he was being sincere, I responded, "Well, if, and huge IF, Bella and I were to ever go all the way, there would be an issue, with the, you know, bodily fluids exchanged.
Jasper still looked lost, "Venom and humans – they don't mix very well."
I watched Jasper's face go from confused to thoughtful, "Ahhh…right…okay, so I don't have any and I doubt Emmett does. Plus, trust me, you really don't want to go searching through his room – you never know what you'll find."
I cringed, "Yeah, tell me about it."
"So let's go buy some!"
"I can't do that Jasper, have you gone mad? If someone saw me, what would they think? I can't do that to Bella…"
"Hey don't worry, that's what brothers are for, I'll go in!"
This was probably the best way; Jasper was more mature and, more importantly, quieter and much more discrete than the rest. He would be my best bet. Hesitantly I agreed, "Okay, but I'm driving."
We headed for Ron's Food Market not too far from our home. We pulled up, and Japer went in. He came back out empty handed.
"They were sold out," He said with a laugh.
"Sold out…really?" Just my luck, the one time I want to buy condoms, they're out.
"Yup. Come on Edward, next gas station, step on it."
"Why are you so excited about this? It's not like you need them!"
"Well for one, I'm happy for you, and two, and I want to see what they're like!" Jasper replied with a goofy grin on his face.
"Jasper, that's disgusting, I don't want to see anymore!" I stated as Jasper was starting to picture Alice and it was getting explicit.
We tried a couple more gas stations and all of them with the same result – they were fresh out.
"Did the whole town decide to have sex this weekend? What the heck is going on?" Just as I was ranting about the lack of rubber in this town, Coach Clapp pulled up next to us in his beat up hatchback.
I slumped down in my seat trying to hide but it was useless. He must have seen us as he pulled up, because as he stepped out of his car he leaned down and knocked on Jasper's window.
"Great." I muttered.
"Hey boys, how's it going?" Coach inquired.
"Not bad, but it would be better if we could find some condoms in this town!" Jasper replied after rolling down his window.
I hissed under my breath, what the heck was Jasper thinking. Completely mortified, I slinked further in my seat, turned my head and looked out the window, wishing that I could somehow dissolve into my seat.
"I should've locked the window," I muttered to myself.
"Need some willie-warmers, do ya? Come and help yourselves, I've got tons of these little love socks," With that he popped his trunk to reveal a very large assortment of condoms that filled his entire trunk area.
'Had he flew the cuckoo's nest?' I thought disgusted by the prospect of what he needed his collection for.
My eyes quickly passed over the names on some of the packages – ribbed, warming control, flavored, glowing, non-latex, studded, my mind reeled with all this new information. I hadn't realized this was going to be so complicated.
'Wow, what does he need all of those for,' Jasper snickered to himself.
As if Coach Clapp had my power he said, "I know what you guys are thinking, and it's not like that, these are for the sex education classes at school. The condom companies think they're being responsible by sending me samples," He waved his hand dismissively as if the entire six cubic feet of his trunk covered in square foil packages was not in the least bit unusual.
"Hey Eddie, pop the trunk!"
I scrambled to get back in the car, completely horrified at the actions of my brother, as he grabbed an armful of condoms. Yet, I couldn't say a word. I was speechless and there didn't seem to be an escape from this nightmare.
"Good boy, are you sure you don't need more?" Then Coach Clapp thought to himself, 'My, my, these boys are going to be busy!'
As if the hundred packages Jasper had snagged wasn't enough. What were adults thinking these days? Had they no decency? Acting so casually about the issue would have you persecuted in my time.
"Nope sir, these will do. Thank you very much." Jasper was completely shameless.
He plopped down in the seat next to me with a bunch of condoms in his hands.
"Jasper, what were you thinking?" I hissed.
"What?" He laughed, "I thought you wanted to test these out?"
I just stared at him. Trying to explain to him what my problem was would be pointless, and I wanted to get as far from this place and Coach Clapp as possible.
I started up the Volvo and sped off in the direction of our home. No sooner had we turned on to the highway, Jasper had several packages ripped open, the wrappers scattered on the floor of my car and was inspecting the condoms carefully. Stretching them out and then letting them go with a snap.
'Why oh, why did I think bringing Jasper was a good idea?' I thought to myself.
Jasper had the window down and was holding one of the darn things out the window, letting it fill with air. It looked like one of those balloons clowns used to make animal shapes.
I punched him in the arm, "Jasper cut it out. If you let that go and we get pulled over for littering, I am going to kill you!"
"You know what; these would be perfect for a water fight. Extra durable - they'll hold up much better when I hurl this at Emmett's head! I wonder if they had any titan sized?"
"Jasper, you promised we would keep this to ourselves."
As I pulled up in our driveway, Jasper leaped out of the car, an evil gleam in his eye, "Don't worry Edward, I won't tell anyone that you asked me to go condom shopping with you," Then a little louder, "Oh Emmett, come out here, I have something I want to show you!"
It was pointless, Jasper was so lost in his battle plans that I didn't even bother to comment. I decided to creep away with a few condoms tucked away in my jacket pocket before I could become a victim of this twisted water fight. Thanks to Coach Clapp and the abundance of prophylactics he had provided Jasper with, I had a sinking feeling that in no time our yard was going to resemble the grounds after Woodstock.
