Disclaimer: DOPOTC! Well… here is chapter eight. It's getting towards the end… how will you ever live without my story? Soon I will be back at the University, with little or no time… Just kidding! I will always make time to make you guys happy! You three people… you know who you are.
Chapter Eight: Gallivanting and the Un-dead
I was accompanied on deck my Murtog, and Jack my Mullroy. Elizabeth was getting into a tizzy with her father and the Commodore about saving William, and it really was more annoying in person.
"But we've got to save Will!" she screeched. She really does have a nice set of pipes on her.
I was getting passed around like a bong at a frat party between the two dopes. It seemed neither wanted to guard Jack, and both wanted to guard me. I voiced my opinion to the both of them.
"Gentlemen! You can both have me at the same time and Jack can watch!" I said in a very seductive tone. Even the Commodore had to clear his throat. Jack got a big grin on his face as the two got just as red as their uniforms.
"No! You're safe. We will return to Port Royal immediately, not go gallivanting after Pirates!" Governor Swann said in almost the same tone his daughter used.
"Gallivanting. Interesting word choice, I would have said something along the lines of 'Not go chasing after Pirates so they can perform butt sex on us because we look like a bunch women with all the wigs and such'." I peered at the Commodore, "Especially you." I remarked with a smile on my face.
"Someone get a muzzle for this-"
"Don't even finish that sentence!" I said interrupting him.
"Woman." the Commodore finished looking at me slyly. It wasn't my fault it was a very misleading sentence!
"Then we condemn him to death!" Elizabeth said gravely. I snickered, people back in these times sure had better vocabulary then most of the red neck incest sheep raping people in my time.
"The boy's fate is regrettable, but then, so is his decision to engage in piracy." Gov. Swann said sadly. I sighed, all this was getting old due to the fact I had seen the movie a hundred million times.
"Piracy huh? It's not like he was BUI…boating under the influence, or fornicating with your daughter! Trust me, there are worse things!" I said nodding my head towards Jack who was examining something that he had found in his hair.
"Lass, was that an implication that the eunuch be more civilized then me?" Jack asked raising an eyebrow. I nodded openly.
"Yea, pretty much." I said turning back to the Governor and Co.
"Oh, good, just wanted to clear that bit up." Jack said turning his attention back to what was in his hair, he promptly dropped it as it began to move and scurry away towards Norrington's boots.
"To rescue me! To prevent anything from happening to me!" Elizabeth said raising a good point.
"Maybe you should waggle marriage in front of his nose, see where that gets us." I whispered to Elizabeth who seemed like a light bulb went off in her head. Jack went to speak but I whacked him in the head.
"Don't say what you are going to say because you are going to get shot down so damn bad. Worse than a pocket protector wearing twenty-five year old virgin a the Venetian in Las Vegas by a Slovakian Prostitute." I said, happy with myself I prevented him from embarrassment.
"I have no idea what you just said." he remarked, I felt bad no one would have heard my witty thinking, but the I remembered that all of this was being broadcasted to the future, and that made me feel better.
"Do this for me, as a wedding present!" Elizabeth said stopping the Commodore in his tracks.
"You should really Honeymoon in Tahiti, I hear it's nice." I commented.
"Must you always be talking?" the Commodore said angrily, obviously he didn't like the idea of Tahiti.
"Character flaw." I remarked shrugging my shoulders.
"Why, Elizabeth, are you accepting the Commodores proposal?" Mr. G-string Swann said amazed.
"I am." Elizabeth said almost in pain. I began clapping happily at the performance she was putting on.
"Good show woman! Good show!" I said doing my best one person golf clap.
"Weddings? I love weddings! Drinks all around!" Jack said getting over enthused.
"Jack! Shut your cock holster!" I said jokingly hoping to take the focus off of him.
"Sparrow! You will accompany these fine men to helm and give them and provide us with the bearing to the Isle de Muerta. You will then spend the remainder of the voyage contemplating all possible meanings of the phrase, 'Silent as the grave'. Do I make myself clear?" the Commodore said his face like stone.
"You don't fork around." I said in a daze at his speech.
"Inescapably." Jack said almost scared. I giggled but this got the attention of Norrington.
"I would like to take back those giggles if it would stop you from staring at me." I said uncomfortable under Norrington's gaze.
"That last bit is especially directed at you Miss Alissa." Norrington said peering down at me like I was some sort of animal. Well, I was a sex tiger, but we won't go there.
"Right! Got it! The Grave… pretty soundless things graves are. Yup, pretty spooky also… This one time in this cemetery-"
"SILENT!" the Commodore exclaimed cutting off my rants, "as the grave." I nodded gulping back a little. Jack was being led off to the helm and I skipped my way behind him.
"So, off to see the wizard… erm, I mean the nasty corpse army of swash buckling buccaneers?" I questioned to Jack who nodded at me.
"Ye lass, are going to get us thrown over board." Jack said flipping open his compass and taking the helm.
"Only if we're lucky!" I said happily, "I wonder how much of a ruckus I can cause." I said happily scampering off to the other side of the boat, but I was caught in the back of my shirt by Jack himself.
"Listen to me lass, I'm not saying yer that important to me. But, I've grown accustomed to ye. So do us all a favor and sit the hell down and bugger up that mou' of yers!" Jack said his arm firmly around my shoulders.
"When I said ruckus, I meant sitting down here being very quiet. Can I take my shirt off and get a tan?" I asked Jack who got a very devilish look on his face. He peered down at my bosom area and smiled a gold toothy grin.
"No." he said flatly but I ignored him and took off my top anyway, much to the shock of the two guards standing with us. I laid back on the deck with my arms behind my head, nothing but my breeches and bra for cover. I saw Jack peering at me, and the other two calling me mad, but other than that they weren't complaining.
A few minutes went by and many sailors were walking by our particular spot a wee bit too often. I could hear Jack shaking his compass, and flipping it closed and open again.
"What's the matter Jack?" I questioned keeping my eyes set out to the waves, "Compass not working?"
"Lass, would ye put yer damned shirt back on, yer buggering up me compass." Jack said getting annoyed. I giggled as I put the off white shirt back on and tucked it in. I noticed the looks of disappointment on some of the sailors faces.
"Is it the compass, or is it that you want me more than the Pearl." I cooed happily.
"I be a man just like any other." Jack said opening his compass and turning the helm a little too much, whacking one of the men in the head with the sail behind us.
"Oomph, bloody hell!" the poor man said as he sat up and rubbed his head, Jack got a very apologetic look on his face.
"Sorry mate, women." Jack said shrugging his shoulders. I rolled my eyes at him and sat around waiting for us to catch up to the Pearl and for night to fall.
An hour later I was bored out of my wits. The sun was just barely setting and we hadn't gotten to the Island as soon as I'd hoped. It's a good thing they don't show you everything in the movie or you would be just as bored as I was.
"Jack, I'm booooooooorrrrrreeeeeeddddd!" I whined. He peered down at me as I was now slumped over the railing in front of him, looking at the lower deck. Many of the soldiers looked up at me and got smiles on their faces.
"What do ye want me to do about it then lass? Put on a show? I'm no performer." Jack said annoyed. I yawned and looked at him through half closed eyes.
"Look at my face Jack, this…" I said this pointing at my face, "…is my serious face!"
"Annn'?" Jack said not getting the significance of the situation. That I needed to be entertained or I would go into destruction mode.
"Well… I say I'm bored and if you don't do something about it, I will." I said in a threatening tone. Jack chuckled.
"Do yer worse." Jack said thinking about how much fun it would be to watch me frolic about the ship.
"Aye, aye Captain." I said quietly, hoping Jack would say 'I can't hear you!'. No dice. He just looked at me like I was insane. Well, I couldn't blame him, clinically, I was.
I sauntered down to the lower deck where some men were gathered about talking about something mildly interesting. But it couldn't have been as interesting as what I had to say.
"Have you guys ever been mistaken for girls? Like say some other guy comes up from behind and gives your bottom a good squeeze, and doesn't even realize he just did possibly the most gay thing he has ever done in his life?" I asked. I could hear Jack chuckling from the helm, but the men just stared at me like I was nutters.
"Or, is it that you have long flowing locks so for those long weeks at sea you can look like a woman from behind, you know, while your 'best mate' who would never tell anyone about your rendezvous' porks you in the anus?" I said this and Jack was near tears.
"Too bad for you though, that although you were just 'experimenting' he was actually head over heels in love with you, tells your wife, who leaves you, then you spend the rest of your days on your knees scrubbing the deck of the ship, always looking over your shoulder." Jack was openly crying now with laughter, and some of the men were chuckling at what I was saying. Others looked sickened. To these men I directed this:
"Did I come too close to home for you?" I asked which only deepened their disdain for me. Whatever, if they can't take a joke, fuck 'em.
I promptly turned about on my heel and began to walk towards the helm once more, the Commodore came out of his cabin seconds after I repositioned myself next to Jack.
"I could of swore I heard you talking." Norrington directed at me. I gave him a puzzled look.
"Why, Commodore James Norrington, what on earth would ever give you the impression I would ever talk?" I said openly mocking him. He peered at me, I gave him a big flashy white smile and began a game of tidily-winks. He looked from me to Jack, then to me again.
"Mr. Sparrow, please be sure to keep your wench in check." Norrington said turning around to go back into his cabin, I got a little upset over this one, and was removing my boot at the moment to throw it at his head. Jack grabbed my arm but it was too late. I had thrown my boot.
"Drats!" I said as it missed him and hit some poor young sailor, Norrington turned sharply and glared at me. I began to whistle and look about at the stars coming out. I looked down at Norrington and shrugged.
"What?!" I questioned, his glare did not falter, "What!? I didn't do anything! I was practicing my cancan moves and 'whoops' my boot slipped off!" I said giving him a good look at my cancan moves, that were horrible. He sighed heavily and walked into his cabin.
I leaned over the railing to the lower deck and called to the man I actually hit with my boot. "Hey mate, mind throwing that back up here?" I said. Kindly he threw it a little too overzealous and it hit the other of the two men square in the head, "Thanks!" I called down to him and ran over to get my boot.
"Yer mad." Jack said chuckling. I slipped on my boot and beamed at Jack.
"Awe Jack! I love you too!" I giggled slapping Jack on the back a little harder than I should have.
"Land Ho!" the man up in the crows nest bellowed…
"What did you call me!" I yelled back angered, "I ain't no ho! You best hope you don't meet me in a dark alley sucka!" I bellowed, doing my 'nuh uh girlfriend' Z snap. The man actually looked frightened. I knew when I got back to the 21st century I was going to get a lot of angry letters from the sistas out there. But I'm not a hater! I'm all for the censorship of the N word, and bitches and hoes in rap music.
"We've lost the lass." Jack said sadly referring to my mental state. I turned to Jack and did my Z snap in his face.
"Awww, naw yew didn't!" I exclaimed throwing in some head shakes. Jack just looked at me, shook his head, and walked past, "That's right! You betta walk away!" I decided to stop so I didn't end up in hell.
I chased after Jack and found him talking to uptight Norrington. I walked in on their conversation.
"…and the lass is to be going with me." Jack said to Norrington who gave Jack a hard stare.
"I believe we will keep her here for collateral." Norrington said, thinking he was being smart. Oh dear Commodore, you have much to learn.
"YEA! I'd love to stay here! I could tell stories! I have this really great one about Morocco, and we could make a camp fire, and sing songs! Does anyone have a guitar? I'm a great guitar player, and in the morning…I'm making waffles!" I said getting all excited jumping up and down giggling like a Japanese school girl in a Hello Kitty store.
Jack eyed me amused, and Norrington looked at me like he was looking at something very dangerous. I let my smile get wide. Norrington turned to Jack.
"I suppose she should be off with you, you know, for support." Norrington got out a bit shakily. Jack gave me a little smile and a wink. I blinked in return.
"Did you just blink at me?" Jack said, I nodded sadly.
"I've never been able to wink." I confessed as if I was confessing my inner most secret.
"Sorry to hear that lass." Jack said mockingly.
"It happens." I said shrugging my shoulders and walking towards our little row boat.
As I had exhausted the song 'Row Row Row your boat' I had gone onto 'What should you do with a drunken sailor', substituting the word sailor for pirate captain.
"What should you do with a drunken pirate captain earl-I in the morning! Put him in my bed with no clothes on him! Put him in my bed with no clothes on him! Put him in my bed with no clothes on him earl-I in the morning!" I sang out to the open water.
"As much as I love the bottom line of this song, that is, if I be understanding what you are trying to get across to me. It isn't good form to be singing your weasely black guts out right before we sneak up on a band of un-dead pirates." Jack said. I looked at him sadly.
"I would like you to prove that I have black guts, and also, I'm not allowed to sing on the Dauntless, I'm not allowed to sing in this row boat, when the bloody hell will I be allowed to sing?!" I exclaimed outraged.
"When yer plenty far away from me." Jack mumbled. I sighed crossing my arms. He was being very difficult and I wasn't much appreciating it.
"You my friend, are a sod!" I exclaimed crossing my arms and turning my head away from him. I heard him chuckle.
"Aye lass, sometimes I'm glad yer around!" he was sucking up and I was completely falling for it!
"Because I'm so beautiful and you are completely smitten with me?" I said hopefully, he shook his head and chuckled once more.
"Nay, because yer a nutter, and they are the best type o' folks to have at times like these."
Now, I have my limits, and Jack wasn't even near mine, but I none the less felt the need to torture him in my own little way. Sitting next to me was a bucket in case there was a leak, and I intended to use it, at the opportune moment.
We all know how I am, and I have a harder time waiting for the opportune moment than our dear friend William. So swiping the bucket I filled it with water and dumped it all over our beloved captain.
Sputtering he looked up at me in confusion and surprise. "Touché lass." Jack commented never faltering in his rowing.
"Why thank you, Captain!" I said crossing my legs and arms and sitting with a Cheshire cat smile on my face. I was no fool, and I put the bucket behind me out of reach of the captain.
We hit ground in the cave and tied the boat and began walking to save William…and to steal the pearl…mostly to steal the pearl.
"Is there a doorbell we should ring?" I questioned Jack as we got to the entrance of the booty hall. Hehe. Booty, hehe.
"Barbie! I'm back to kick your ass and take your name…second thought, you can keep your name." I said jovially as we pushed our way through the crowd.
"It's not possible!" Barbossa sneered. I waved a little and put on my innocent face.
"Not probable." Jack corrected. I nodded my head in agreement.
"Anything is possible!" I said gagging on the words, what a horrible cliché. All it needed was 'if you put your mind to it!'…I'm too old for Magic School Bus shit.
"Where's Elizabeth! And why are you soaking wet?" William asked a little confused.
"Jack got into a fight with a bucket full of water. Sadly, he came out on the losing end. Next round I'm taking Vegas bets!" I exclaimed happily. This got a little rise out of the crowd. Jack on the other hand ignored me.
"She's safe, just like I promised. She's all set to marry Norrington just like she promised, and ye get to die for her just like ye promised. So we're all men of our words really, except for Elizabeth who, is in fact…a woman." Jack said. I looked at him sadly.
"Didn't I promise anything?" I questioned feeling left out, Jack looked in thought for a moment.
"Ye can promise to keep that blabber of yers shut, that would make everyone happy." Jack said. I looked sadly down at my hands then back up at him mouth open, but then gave up.
"Ye don't want to be doing that, mate." Jack said with a grimace.
"No, I really think I do." Barbossa said happily.
"You're funeral." Jack said looking at his finger nails.
Barbossa looked annoyed to say the least, he took the knife from Williams throat and sighed. "Why don't I want to be doing this?"
"Well…because the H.M.S Dauntless, pride of the Royal Navy, is floating just off shore…waiting for ye." Jack said this, he walked forward to stand atop the treasure near William and Barbossa. I decided to hang back and kick it with the crew. Safer with them than with Jack. Yea, I know, sometimes I don't understand my thought process either.
"Trust me. Ye send yer men out in their little boats, they do what they do best…Robert's yer uncle, Fanny's yer aunt, there ye are with two ships. Of course ye'll take the grandest as yer flag ship, and who's to argue? But what of the Pearl? Name me Captain. I'll sail under yer colors, give ye ten percent o' me plunder, and ye get to introduce yerself as Commodore Barbossa, savvy?" Jack said all the while flailing his arms around. Barbossa peered at Jack cautiously.
"Why hasn't your wench said a word in nearly ten seconds?" Barbossa said a bit confused, "Is she sick?" My eyes got really big at this.
"It has been a good ten MINUTES, Barbie. Don't make me ninja chop you into oblivion! I'll do it! I'm crazy!" I said making slicing motions at the men around me who dodged out of the way of my flying razor blades of fury.
"Tha's better." Barbossa said with a smile. If I didn't know better I would guess that he was getting all soft on me, "An' I suppose in return ye would want me not to kill the whelp?" Barbossa sighed, he may have gone soft on me, but he was still looking forward to killing the eunuch.
"Oh no, by all means, kill the whelp! Just, not yet. Wait to lift the curse at the Opportune Moment." Jack said giving a small look to William before continuing, "For example, after ye've killed Norrington and his men. Every. Last. One." Well he had scooped up the coins and was dropping them down into the chest. You've seen the movie, I'm sure I don't have to go over this with you again.
"You've been planning this from the beginning, ever since you learned my name!" William said play acting. I threw a blink his way, he looked a little confused at this but smiled none the less.
"Yea." Jack replied as if it didn't matter to him that this kid was going to be slaughtered all over the shiny treasure.
"I want fifty percent o' yer plunder." Barbossa proffered to Jack. No dice.
"Fifteen."
"Forty."
"Twenty five!"
"And I'll buy ye the hat. A really big one. Eh, Commodore?" Jack said slyly.
"Don't do it! You could get thirty!" I exclaimed from the middle of the crowd. All three of the men looked a little confused.
"There ye go lass! Go ahead and feed me to the sharks!" Jack said upset.
"I'm sorry, but I can't sit and watch someone get ripped off, no matter how evil." I said crossing my arms.
"We have an accord!" Barbossa said ignoring me and shaking Jacks hand.
"All hands to the boats! Pardons, ye give the orders." Jack said placing his hands together in mock apologies. I on the other hand was more than willing to upset the veiny nosed Captain.
"GENTS! TAKE A WALK!" I bellowed. Everyone looked at me a little confused, then at Barbossa who just smiled.
"Ye heard her ye scurvy dogs! Get to walkin'!" Barbossa snarled, everyone, including me was a bit taken aback that he didn't reprimand me.
"Not to the boats?" Jack asked questionably.
"They are going to walk underwater! Isn't that cool?!" I exclaimed clapping as the crew began to depart. Jack looked at me quizzically.
"Well it is…" I sighed crossing my arms. Barbossa chuckled. I gave him a quizzical look, "Why do you like me all of a sudden?" I questioned to Barbossa.
"I'm not sure." Barbossa answered truthfully.
"Well, I'm not complaining." I said as I wandered up to William. Barbossa smiled and nodded at what I said.
"Hey William, how's it hanging?" I questioned pushing the guard out of the way and patting William on the back.
"I'm as confused as ever with your speech, but I'm very glad to see that you are well." William said nearly beaming. He had become optimistic lately.
"Actually, I have a slight cough and my left shoulder is a little achy." I confessed giving it a few rolls. That is when Barbossa began his conversation with Jack.
"Ye know Jack, I thought I had ye figured, but turns out yer a hard man to predict." Barbossa mused over to himself.
"Me? I'm dishonest, and a dishonest man ye can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly, it's the honest ones ye want to watch out for." Jack warned walking over to the pirate skipping stones, "Because ye can never predict when they're going to do something, incredibly, stupid." By this time I had moved well out of the way of flying blades as Jack knocked over the sorry sod and stole his sword throwing it to William. Who caught it effortlessly. Cutting his bonds he began to fight.
"I don't get a sword?" I whined unhappy as Jack began to duel with Barbossa. I guess I didn't have much time to whine because smoky the bombardier was coming after me with his medieval grenades.
"Haven't you heard of a smoke detector? Only you can prevent forest fires!" I yelled running around in circles until I could find a decent weapon. Ah ha! There was a hilt of a sword sticking out of the treasure pile. I did my ninja roll and grabbed it pulling it out. Only to reveal the sword had broken off and it was a very stubby dagger at this point.
"Not to look a gift horse in the mouth but… this sucks!" I said to the powers that be. The pirate gained on me, well, I was going to use this to the best of my abilities. I threw the stub of a sword right at him, nailing him in the eye.
"Oh, stop your whining you baby! You're the un-dead it couldn't have hurt that much!" I said as the pirate began to wail about his eye.
This is when Elizabeth decided to show up. You know, like she does. Sneaky little buggerette.
"Hey where did you get that big, thingy ma-bob?" I said annoyed everyone found decent weaponry except me.
"Over there by the cave entrance." she said as she swung it around. Well, that was it, I was in search of a good weapon for sure.
As my three comrades battled it out I was looking for something decent to fight with. I put a crown atop my head for good measure. I always wanted one anyway. It was rather large and slumped down my forehead leaving my ears bent in half. I giggled at my reflection in the other treasure. That is when I noticed Jack get stabbed. I looked up for a moment and giggled as he stumbled back to reveal he hadn't changed.
"JACK?!" I exclaimed running forward to him, he was staring at himself in disbelief. Barbossa cackled as Jack poked at his wound. I ran up to him, and noticed one very important thing. He wasn't in the moonlight.
"Jack, you're a bugger." I said giving him a good push into the moonlight to reveal he had indeed stolen a coin and was undead. Of course this didn't go to well with old Barbie. So they began to duel again. And I decided to sit back and watch the show.
The fight had gotten to the point where Barbossa pulled his gun on Elizabeth. Wait, no, he was pointing it at me. That's odd. Crap.
"Haha, umm, Barbossa! You should really point that thing away from me." I said getting nervous. I was further off than Elizabeth and a longer shot than her also. So I was a wee bit confused why he wanted to shoot and kill me.
"Aye, but ye be more important to Jack than anyone else here." he said slyly. Jack pulled his pistol and was aiming it dead at Barbossa. One shot is all I heard, then darkness enveloped me.
BONUS ADVENTURE
Alissa and Ambrosio go SHOPPING!!
(Ambrosio is my boyfriend for those of you that aren't in the 'know')
Ambrosio: Do you want to get honey?
Alissa: I don't really like honey.
Ambrosio: Have you tried the natural honey, the one you have to steal from bees to taste?
Alissa: Yes.
Ambrosio: Which one do you like better.
Alissa: This store bought one.
Ambrosio: Why?
Alissa: Because it comes in the cute bear shaped bottle.
Ambrosio: 'walks away'
Krista and Alissa Have a Phone Conversation
(Krista is my best friend who lives in Michigan while I bask in the sun here in California)
Alissa: Why do you always call me when I'm shopping?
Krista: Why are you always shopping at night? Normal people shop during the day.
Alissa: Krista you dumbass, we are three hours behind you, it's only 7:30 here.
Krista: Oh, I always wondered why you were shopping at 10:30 all the god damned time.
Alissa: I can't believe we are friends.
Krista: Yea it's pretty amazing huh.
Ambrosio, Freddy and Alissa have a very sleep deprived conversation.
(Freddy is my best friend here in California)
Alissa: It's almost 1!! If I stay up any longer I'll think I'm a ninja.
Freddy: Porque? (Why?)
Alissa: Because I'm mentally unstable that's why!
Freddy: 'Laughs'
Alissa: It's 1:01! Damnit! 'As Freddy walks away to his house I just dropped him off at' YOU BETTER WALK AWAY BEFORE I GO JACKIE CHAN ON YOUR ASS! I SHOULD NEED A CONCEALED WEAPONS PERMIT FOR THESE BAD LADS! 'makes ninja chop motions in the air'
Ambrosio: You are going to wake the neighbors.
Alissa: LET THEM COME! I'D LIKE TO SEE WHAT THEY COULD DO ABOUT MY KUNG FU DEATH GRIP. 'At this I squeeze Ambrosio's shoulder'.
Ambrosio: Have you been drinking?
Alissa: NINJA'S DON'T NEED BEER! JUST HUMAN HEARTS! HIIIYAAA!
Those were just so you would know that the hilariousness of my life is real, and I don't make this shit up. I mean really, how can you make that up? Don't forget to review! Chapter Nine will be the final chapter. Sad, I know, but we all must soldier on!
