A/N: So...this chapter took a while. Mostly because I've spent the past two weeks angry over the new spoilers for SGA. For those of you not into spoilers...well...when you find out, you'll be angry too.

STUPID FRAKKING SCI-FI. AND YOU WONDER WHY YOUR RATINGS ARE GOING DOWN! IT'S BECAUSE YOU CAN'T LEAVE STUFF ALONE! YOU MOVE SHOWS THAT SHOULDN'T BE MOVED! YOU TRANSFER THE CRAPPY WRITERS THAT DROVE SG1 TO AN EARLY DEATH TO SGA!

Go to hell, Sci-Fi. Go.


Chapter Eight: Jenny Was a Friend of Mine

The thing about being around two alpha males is that a pissing contest is inevitable. Men can't help it, not really. They're more deeply ingrained with their instincts that women. The testosterone and pheromones get to mixing and before you know it, you have the proverbial arm-wrestling contest. It can be anything from a wrestling match (in the case of Ronon and Sheppard), a mathematical matching of wills (Zelenka and Rodney), a war of words (Rodney and Carson), or even, a bitch-slap fight (no one will admit to that one).

Sometimes, this "contest of piss" isn't as violent as the participators would like. Sometimes...

It's silent. A nice non-violent, staring contest.

This is what Ronon found himself engaging in the very next morning. On Colonel Sheppard's suggestion (read order), Ronon headed for Elizabeth's quarters to invite her on a tour of Atlantis. The strange thing about him giving the tour is 1) he doesn't look like your typical tour guide; 2) he doesn't know that much about Atlantis. Ronon could usually be found in four places, the gym, the cafeteria, the control room, or his quarters. That is the extent of his knowledge of Atlantis.

Still, because Sheppard asked (ordered) it of him, Ronon readied himself for a day of pretending to know what he was doing. Walking silently through the corridors, getting the usual amount of stares and glares, Ronon was almost happy to see the door he was looking for. He gave some thought to just walking in, as he did in Teyla and Sheppard's quarters, and they at his, but figured "Beth" might not appreciate that. She might be...undressed.

Did he say not walk right in? It was suddenly seeming like a good idea.

Ronon knocked on the door frame, and almost instantly heard movement within. This was good; he didn't want to miss the beginning of breakfast, Ronon's favorite meal of the day. If he didn't get there on time, Sheppard would come in and steal all of the custard-filled/glazed/chocolate-frosted donuts. The chefs only made ten of them.

Shuffling his feet and glaring at passersby, Ronon waited for her to answer, wondering a bit to himself if her guard dogs would join them and shadow them all day. The door slid open and Ronon looked up, expecting to find either 1) cool and polished Elizabeth, looking like she'd been awake for hours and had been patiently awaiting him, or 2) sexy rumpled Beth who crawled from bed to get the door and was just as ready to crawl back in, alone or not.

Not that he'd ever encountered either of those people. This was his imagination talking, people.

Instead, Ronon was greeted by the sight of a shirtless, hostile Shalimar. While Rodney might have taken the opportunity to learn more about the past month from this blond, Ronon was merely content to glare and be glared at in response.

Shalimar stood there, shirtless (as I said, and completely delectable in that "I've got bronze hair leading down washboard abs to my hip bones that stick out in a thoroughly enticing way and I'm wearing low-slung tan leather pants that make me rear look plump, yet hard"...way) and glaring at Ronon, also equally comfortable with not speaking.

They stood there for ten minutes.

Not speaking.

Glowering.

Then Beth got out of the shower and walked into the room naked, and neither of the men could be bothered with looking at each other, when they could look elsewhere.

Halfway across the room, Beth turned and stared at both of them, and by extension, the passersby in the hallway who were also looking in. "Will you shut the door, you heathens?" She asked most politely, crossing her arms for a semblance of propriety. She had on a towel, but it was wrapped around her waist and didn't conceal that much of her physique.

Both men began to sputter and quickly stepped inside so the sensors would allow the door to shut. Instantly, the room became darker and the atmosphere became more...heady. Beth glared at them as they continued to remain frozen like statues at the doorway, apparently unable to look away. "I meant for you two to step out, not in."

In sync, the two men backed up and out of the quarters, leaving her to dress. Outside, they stood, just a bit shell shocked and more than a little aroused. As one, they crossed their hands in front of their laps and hoped no one would notice. This being Atlantis, everyone noticed, but stored it away in their gossip notes to talk about later. Who would have though it, Ronon Dex having a stiffy when around a half-dressed man? (It would be everywhere within hours, and then hours after that, only then would it be revealed that a naked Elizabeth had been involved as well...and then the rumor would swirl around the two half-dressed Elizabeth and Shalimar, and just what had Ronon been doing there?)

Ronon stood there stiffly, finally inclining his head to the slightly taller man beside him. "I'm supposed to give Elizabeth a tour."

Also not willing to discuss the exceedingly awkward moments between the trio, Shalimar replied slowly. "She'll like that. May we break fast first?"

"Just what I was thinking."

Before them, the door opened and a now dressed Elizabeth stepped through. She wore clothes Ronon had seen before, gray pants, red shirt, but she wore them in a way that made them seem vastly different. She made the casual outfit seem...obscene. However, that might just be because Ronon was remembering seeing her topless and found himself not being able to make it go away (not that he wants to).

Beth handed a t-shirt to Shalimar, before looking at Ronon. "I'm hungry."

"This isn't my shirt," Shal commented as he put on the bright pink monstrosity he apparently was wearing today.

Ronon glanced at the shirt. "What's an ABBA?"

Beth shrugged. "I don't know, but your shirt is...missing."

Shal stared at her. "You're hell on my clothes."

She shrugged and started walking down the hall, studying the people that passed. "Get over it, you little bitch."

Shalimar and Ronon shared a glance, full of unspeakable horror, before following the woman down the hall. Though Ronon had anticipating having to lead her everywhere, and point out the simplest things, he found himself being led instead. Elizabeth walked quickly, obviously aware of where she was going.

Within minutes, and a few quick dodges of the crowd as they stopped to watch their commander and chief move amongst them again, Ronon and Shalimar entered the eating area with her. Instantly, everything stopped.

People about to take a bite of their food, froze mid-motion, causing oatmeal/cereal/bacon/eggs to fall to the table/plate/lap.

The cooks stopped serving their food.

The birds stopped flying.

Time itself froze and realigned itself as the joy of dozens of people exploded.

This is a slight exaggeration.

Ronon directed Beth and Shal to a table near the windows, before heading up to the line to grab food for everyone. He was standing there, oh so patiently cracking his knuckles as the people ahead of him took their sweet time, when Colonel Sheppard snuck up behind him and tapped him on the shoulder.

"How's it going so far?"

Ronon saw no reason to lie. "I saw her naked."

"Huh?"

"I knocked on the door, and the dude answered, and behind him she walked out of the shower all...naked and stuff."

"Oh...did you see the small tattoo on her right thigh?"

"You've seen her naked?" Ronon asked with a small grin.

Sheppard blushed. "No, but don't ask anyway," he said as he started to leave, before leaning back over to poke Ronon in the chest with a grin. "And don't tell Teyla."

Ronon was laughing as he quickly crammed 10 donuts, two bowls of oatmeal, and five pieces of bacon onto a tray. With much difficulty (for a large man, he had very little sense of balance) he got the tray to the table and handed out food. Elizabeth got a bowl of oatmeal, Shalimar got a bowl of oatmeal and bacon, and Ronon got 10 donuts.

Elizabeth was glaring at him before he even sat down. "How come I don't get those meat piece things?"

"You're a vegetarian."

"I'm a vege-whatwhat?"

"You don't eat meat."

Beth flushed. "Pssht. I do too."

Ronon froze in the act of taking a bite of donut, causing custard to drip down his chin and onto his shirt. "No, you don't."

Beth grinned and chomped into a piece of bacon with glee. "I do now. I love meat."

Ronon ignored the tingle of interest that little statement caused. "When you get your memory back, you're going to be sick."

"Who says I'm getting my memory back?" She asked with a smile, enjoying the soup-like thing she was eating.

"I do," he replied with such certainty that she couldn't really deny him.

Shalimar forestalled the argument certain to come by interrupting them both. "Where to after this meal?"

Ronon finished his second donut and reached for the third. "Um...the pier. She used to like the pier."

Beth flicked her napkin at Ronon. "I hate water."

"Quit being contrary, Beth," Shalimar said, waving to get Gordy's attention as his wingman made his way into the area with a woman on both arms. The ability of the dark man to seduce and charm his way into the beds of women way out of his league never ceased to amaze Shalimar.

Beth picked up a spoonful of porridge and with great glee, globbed it at Shalimar. As it slid off his face and onto the table, she began to laugh hysterically. Ronon decided then and there that pissing off this Elizabeth would not be a good idea.

The difference between an alpha male and an alpha female is that while an alpha male will get violent with you and make you bleed...an alpha female will throw food at you and humiliate you in front of many people.

As Shalimar was now learning.