Chapter 4/5 Falls Apart
Back in California, my home, but it doesn't feel like home anymore. The surf is great and the weeks before school gave me time to readjust to California, which seems to be like adjusting to a new planet.
Having Bee there made it easier. Bee had always made it easier, since I turned thirteen. She was the one that gave me all the talks growing up. My Mom just came home and wanted to hang out. At least she gave me my car, and she pays for college.
I just miss the warmth of my early years. My mom and I would stay up all night and listen to cool music or just talk. Back in those days we were thick as thieves. I really don't know what changed that. Really, it just happened around my thirteenth birthday. She just stopped wanting to do things with me.
It was just bad during those times. Bee and My Mom argued a lot then. I often heard them do it too, arguing I mean, get your head out of the gutter. It was always over me and how My Mom was pushing me away. My Mom shot back that it was hard spending time with me, because I so much looked like My Dad. Bee usually got cryptic at this point, saying it's never too late. My Mom always responded yes it was.
Now I'm usually not one to dig for the past. Have to live for the moment, and shred that is what Cee always told me when he taught me to surf. Yet something isn't right in my household. I had to know what it was.
Dirty Little Secret Number 13: I, unlike most Party Girls, can live with drama. I don't cause it. I don't like it. It just drives me crazy. Beyond that I am just normal, since from my observations people love drama in their lives.
Later that night, before she went to bed, Bee stopped by my room.
"Hey," she said, from my door.
"Hey," I said.
"You ready for this? I mean your last year of college?" she asked.
I nodded, "As I will ever be. It's hard to believe I'll be done next yea at this time."
Bee nodded, "Try being me, Sawyer graduates high school around the same time you graduate college. Makes you feel old."
I nodded, "Bee, you're not old."
Bee smiled, "Flattery will get you everywhere, Kas."
I sighed, "Bee how long have you known My Mom?"
Bee smiled, "Since we were nine, and your Grandma died in a car accident. I helped her through her grief. We've been tight ever since."
I exhaled heavily, "Is that why she said, everyone she cares about dies?"
Bee thought for a second, then she spoke, "Kas, your Mom's been unlucky in love, it seems everyone she loves leaves her."
I nodded, "Why does she push me away? We use to be so close."
"She's just scared you'll leave too. She doesn't want the pain anymore."
I nodded, "Why can't we talk about My Dad? I want to know who he is?"
"Kas, I love you like my own daughters, but you know it's a forbidden subject. I will tell you this, I believe, Pea, still loves Your Father, but he did hurt her a lot. That's all I can say." Bee left after saying that to me.
Dirty Little Secert Number 14: I've always wondered why Bee was never totally comes clean to me. Not that I'm mad, just pissed off. My Mom has always controlled the flow of information about My Dad. Everyone around me just did what My Mom wished.
I needed someone to talk to. So I logged onto my Instant Messengers, I have Yahoo, MSN, AOL, and Myspace Messenger. As I looked through the buddylists, there were few people online I wanted to talk to. I wasn't online two minutes when I got my first IM.
Glamsaw28: Hey girl what are you on so late?
Kas-Trafy: Sawy, I'm just down the hall; u could have walked down here.
Glamsaw28: A bit bitchy tonight. Are you preggers? Because it isn't that time of the month.
Kas-Trafy: No, I'm not pregnant, just been fighting with Pea all night.
Glamsaw28: I heard. Still over your trip or who your dad is?
Kas-Trafy: A little of both, Sawy. I really can't wait to head back to school. Just for the sake of my sanity.
Glamsaw28: Well Hales will be in your house this year, right?
Kas-Trafy: Yeah, she pledged last year.
Glamsaw28: Well I have to go, I hear Bee coming and she'll be pissed if I'm on this late. TTYL.
Kas-Trafy: TTYL Sawy.
Glamsaw28 has logged off.
I stared at my screen. Sawyer was a scatter brain but she was observant. She knew things weren't right. I'm not sure if she has chosen a side or not. Usually us girls stuck together but that couldn't always be counted on.
That was when my AIM IM window popped up.
IH8U: Hey Kas
Kas-Trafy: Hey Reagan, how are things?
IH8U: Not bad, other then I'm over my mom's. She's riding my case again. I can't wait till school starts, but I also am not looking forward to it, since my mom make me cheerlead.
Kas-Trafy: Hey I was a cheerleader.
IH8U: Yeah, so was Lily. I don't have problems with being one, just my Mom is a major bitch.
Kas-Trafy: I'll take your word on it. I've never met your mom. But speaking of families how is everyone?
IH8U: Grandma is good.
IH8U: My Dad is in New York for his new book.
IH8U: Lily's dating a guy.
IH8U: Uncle Nate and Aunt Haley are normal.
IH8U: Jamie has offers for jobs everywhere.
IH8U: Kaylee can't wait for school.
IH8U: Normal stuff, you?
Kas-Trafy: Bee and Cee are good. Hales is ready to go back already. Sawyer is going crazy. Pea is just Pea.
IH8U: Moms are Moms.
Kas-Trafy: LOL
IH8U: Hey Cya. Mom is coming and I should be asleep.
Kas-Trafy: Ok Cya.
IH8U has logged off.
After Reagan signed off I also signed off. I looked around my room and it didn't feel like home anymore. Finally I walked over to the picture of me, Reagan and Lily. I really am starting to miss them, and the city between the river and the sea.
The start of senior year was no problem. At the sorority house I got my own room, which is sweet. Classes went well; I had another great schedule, with a three day weekend again.
What was nice about this year was Hales was in a room down the hall from me. It was like growing up again, with Hales, crashing in my room.
Dirty Little Secret 15: It got a few of the girls jealous. Yeah, they were coming by for a booty call. I won't do that with Hales staying in my room. She doesn't know about my life style. Really, I also don't want her to know.
Senior Year was going well. Christmas break came and Hales and I stayed at the Malibu house. Grandpa had flown out as usual to spend Christmas with us. To my surprise so do Jake and Jen. It was a great Christmas week. What I remember most was the day after Christmas Jen snuck into my room late, I was up online. Well needless to say Jen and I fell asleep.
About 2am I was woken up by an IM chime. I got up and slipped my robe on to cover my nakedness. Walking over to my computer I saw the AIM Message.
PENSWORDRAVEN22: Kas are you there?
Kas-Trafy: I was away, but what's up Luke?
PENSWORDRAVEN22: Not much, just resting. I'm on tour with my book. How about you?
Kas-Trafy: Not bad, senior year college stuff. Bust with my double major.
PENSWORDRAVEN22: Your B-Day is 3-22?
Kas-Trafy: Yeah why?
PENSWORDRAVEN22: Reagan and I are going to be in LA that week.
Kas-Trafy: Why?
PENSWORDRAVEN22: I'm on my book tour, promoting Sins of a father. UCLA also has me teaching a one day lecture on modern writing.
Kas-Trafy: Cool, I'll sign up for it.
PENSWORDRAVEN22: Well I was thinking you could be one of, I guess you can say, my guest.
Kas-Trafy: Shut Up! Of Course Luke.
PENSWORDRAVEN22: Reagan says Hi.
PENSWORDRAVEN22: Good I'll arrange it. Also I'd like to take you and Reagan out to dinner.
Kas-Trafy: Hi Reagan. Sure, no problem can't wait to see you. Can I pick the restaurant.
PENSWORDRAVEN22: Sure you can pick, TTYL
PENSWORDRAVEN22 has logged off.
After Lucas signed off I pushed away from my computer. I woke Jen up.
"Jen, you have to sleep in your own bed," I told her.
Jen swatted at me and murmured.
"C'mon Jen, you can't get caught by the 'rants," I said.
Jen rolled over and looked at me.
"Still haven't told them?" she asked.
I shook my head "No, they don't need to know about us or me."
"My Dad knows."
I sighed, "Jen, my relationship with my mom is fucked as it is. I don't need anymore stress."
Jen shook her head and got up. She grabbed her stuff and left. I lay back down and felt Jen's heat. We had been on again off again since I was fifteen. We had been casual, but as I approached graduation, I feel her wanting more, then Christmas and summer hook ups.
Dirty Little Secert 16: This was the night I decided to end it with Jen. As my dreams were coming true, my life was falling apart. I needed to cut away all the stuff that just didn't feel right. Jen was one of them. We had fun together but I couldn't do it anymore.
The weeks past by with its normal pace. I just rolled through the motions and enjoyed my last semester of college.
As the week of Lucas' visit approached I got more and more nervous. He's never seen me in my natural environment. So I wasn't sure how he was going to handle it.
Also I drove everyone crazy. I'd gotten very chatty about it all. Cee was his usual laid back self. Bee was excited and said she'd have to help me look good. Hales was just tired of hearing about it. Sawyer wondered if I was having an affair, cyber or real with him. Of course my Mom said, "That's nice," in her usual pissed off at me manner.
When Lucas showed up it was great. I stayed at his suite the first night. He went to bed early and Reagan and I caught up. She was still pissed at the world, and hating her Mom. She had warmed up to me though.
The next day was Lucas' Lecture so we got up early and dressed causal. We headed to the Lecture Hall and found good seats. The Plan was for us to go out to dinner after. It was going to be a great restaurant. But the plans were thrown asunder when Rae called, she was in town too, and asked if she could stop by so I could get my birthday present from her. Lucas had no problem with that.
The lecture was great. I really enjoyed the Q&A Session afterwards. He had them eating out of his hands. The whole thing ran an extra hour, but we had plenty of time.
For shits and giggles I took Lucas and Reagan out to Malibu. They seemed to like the drive and the Twenty-seven Miles of beach was nice too. When we got to the house they were impressed.
We walked into the kitchen and there was Bee.
"Hey Bee," I said.
"Kas," she said, and looked over my shoulder, "Lucas!" she screamed and ran over to him and gave him a big hug.
"Brooke, it's been forever," he said and broke away, "This is Reagan," he said, pointing to his daughter, "Reagan, this is Brooke an old friend."
Bee looked at Reagan, "My god you've grown so much. You look so much like your dad," she said.
Reagan mumbled something. She was usually standoffish.
"Thanks for the pictures, Luke," Bee said, "It's really got Cee, I mean, Chase, and I wanting to head back out there, show the girls our home town."
Lucas smiled, "That'll be great, and every one misses you."
I shook my head, "Wait a minute, Bee you know, Lucas? Lucas, you're Broodyboy06?"
"Kas, we went to high school together," Bee said, "Also why are you reading my emails?"
I blushed, "Well you keep leaving them open."
Bee shook her head. It was quiet when Rae walked into the room.
"Kas, are you here?" she said stopping mid-breath when her eyes fell upon Lucas, "What are you doing here?"
"Mom?" Reagan asked.
"Reagan, why are you out here?" Rae asked.
"We're looking at UCLA, I might want to attend out here," Reagan said, the venom for her mom was palatable.
Before anything else could be said my Mom walked in.
"What is all the noise in here?" she asked, and her eyes fell upon Lucas. "Lucas," she said.
"Peyton," he said coldly.
"What the hell are you doing here? Get the hell out of my house!" she yelled.
"Your daughter invited me" he yelled back.
I slipped into a corner to hide. This looks like it is going to be good.
"Why couldn't you just stay away?" she yelled back.
"I did, exactly what you asked me to do. All because I loved you."
My mom snorted, "But yet now you are here, why?"
"Kas is why I'm here, in your house. Why I'm on the west coast was to do a lecture and promotional tour for my book."
My mom started to cry, "Why Kas?" she asked, "What made her break you out of your shell?"
"First off I'm not a recluse, secondly the way she talked about her love of my writing and her samples of her writing were great. I wanted to help her and we developed a great relationship. All I did was trying and help her like I did you, and the way your sketches help me."
Peyton sighed, "And it had nothing to do with the fact she's my daughter?" My mom asked, "Don't give me that look; I know y'all suspected and pried on who her father is."
"We were curious," Lucas said.
"Well let me save it from driving you crazy. She's just like her father and it's been driving me crazy since she turned thirteen. Because she's the child of the man who wrote in my year book "No matter what happens I'll always love you." Yes, Lucas, she's your daughter!"
I just stood them dumbstruck.
