-A Windy Moor-

Raphael stood on a lonely hill, the wind ruffling his long white hair. A few stunted trees and long grass being whipped about by the breeze were the only other living things for miles in every direction. Storm clouds rumbled overhead, the promise of rain evident by the cool, moist air. "Nicole... I am leaving. There is a long and dangerous road ahead of me... I will find the Village of Lost Souls, and bring back those who have died at your hand. Will you accompany me, to make penance for your sins? Nicole? N-Nicole...?" He turned around. The white-haired Drake was nowhere in sight. Suddenly there was a loud screech and she was upon him, hearts in her eyes as she tried to pull off his pants. He howled angrily. "I swear, you're even more of a sex addict then Brad Pitt!! GERROFF!!"

Tatl floated by randomly, laughing her arse off at the two, before finally having the presence of mind to lower a "CENSORED" sign down.

"Ew, is that a fairy's arse?" Nicole shrieked, and used her surprise as an excuse to cling to Raphael, who snarled at her.

"Hey... is that a house?"

It was INDEED a house, a mansion, to be exact. And as the two tired travelers entered, they were unaware of several malicous eyes watching them...

"Dude! Schweet! New victims for our 'evil plot!'" Said a poe, snickering.

"Caaaaaaaaaaaaaandy!!" Screamed a boo.

"I'll go 'welcome' our new guests, shall I?" Said random phantom from Weyard. Numdenu ignored her ghostly comrades and drew a pretty picture. A drifloon fell madly in love with Numdenu and glomped her.

"Oooh, this place is scary!!" Nicole said, shivering. Raphael had found a bedroom for himself, and despite his protests, she had crawled in and made herself a bed on the floor. "You know, I'd feel safer if I was in bed with yooou..." She let out a delighted squeak and jumped on Raphael, once more trying to subdue and/or seduce him. He let out an agonized squawk, and that's when the picture of fruit hanging on the wall came to life. The picture changed its image to an erotic one of Venus, the Roman goddess of love. That really set the mood.

But then it became a question mark as Num drifted in, the drifloon hanging off her neck. "Hey, hey! Keep it clean, folks! We don't need this getting a mature rating!" While Raphael stared confusedly at the phantom, Nicole tied his hands to the bedposts. Raphael screamed. "HEEEEEELP!!!"

At that moment, help DID come, in the form of another girl who had a mucho crush on Raphy - A six-hundred pound female sumo wrestler. Num blinked and hid behind the picture, which had changed to a crying baby. "I did NOT do that!"

The drifloon sympathetically patted her on her multi-colored head. The sumo wrestler screamed angrily as Nicole blinked up at her from where she sat on Raphael's tummy, which she had just revealed by opening the traumatized sagey-priesty's jacket. The sumo wrestler let out a single howl-"BONZAII!!" And hurled herself into the air above her enemy's head. The picture changed to a sexy one of Micheal Jackson's nose falling off.

-Somewhere-

The psychologist cackled wickedly at her two 'patients,' who were chained to their chairs and looking pissed. "I am Dr. Phillina!! Now, you two should try talking to each other, it might help you learn to appreciate each other's differences!!"

Lyon screamed. "HAAAAAAATE!!"

Fomortiis snarled. "HAAAAAAATE!!"

The psychologist nodded understandingly. "I feel some anger here. Care to elaborate?"

Lyon wailed. "Tortureeeeeee!! Possessiooooon!! Waaaaah!!"

Fomortiis hissed. "Imprisonmeeeent!! Humiliatiooon!! Raaaaa!!"

Dr. Phillina grinned. "Why don't you two drink this?" She then handed each of the depressed-looking sexy guys a cup of milk. But little did they know that this was no NORMAL milk!!

A few sips later, Lyon began to feel a certain degree of love for Fomortiis. His spiky white hair... that open black jacket... that little cross necklace... Ooooh...

Fomortiis decided Lyon was actually kind of cute. That adorable purple hair... that shy, gentle disposition... that small, delicate body...

The psychologist smirked and quietly tossed two tiny, empty packets of 'Instant Yaoi Maker' into the trash.

"I can't take it no mores!! I'll protect you and hold you in my arms forever, Lyon-san!!" Fomortiis burst out, eyes swirling madly.

Lyon giggled. "Oh, Fomorty...-hic- Ooooh..."

At that moment, an enraged Eirika and Auril burst into the room. Eirika instantly tried to kiss Lyon, but he screamed and slapped her. "What's WRONG with you?! You're a girl, for God's sake!! That is sooo gross!!" Eirika smacked Lyon with a frying pan, and he recovered from his insanity and shot Fomortiis, who had likewise been restored, a dirty look. Fomortiis screamed. "KILL THAT PSYCHOLOGIST!!" Dr. Phillina, who was secretly the Masked Yaoi Maker, ripped off her mask and laughed evilly before shooting into the air with her rocket boots. "YOU WILL FALL, STRAIGHT BOYS, YOU WILL ALL FALL!! MWHAHAHAHA-"

Unfortunately for the Masked Yaoi Maker, Eirika had swapped a Tana for Link's hookshot earlier that very same day...

Meanwhile...

Vio groaned. "Does she EVER shut up?!"

"...And pie is good and all, but it's just so overrated!" Tana ranted. "But pocky on the other hand deserves its reputation for being the snack of choice for Otakus, with the chocolate flavor, and strawberry, and green tea, and almond crush, and pineapple...but who eats pineapple pocky, anyway? I mean, is it a delightful yellow, or some other color, and does it really taste like pineapple or..."

Yeah, you get the idea.

-Wherever Lyon is-

At that moment, Carrot Head, who had Margie stuck in his pants, wandered in and pointed a menacing finger at Lyon before screaming three chilling words-

"POSSESSED

BY

SATAN!!"

Fomortiis looked flattered. Lyon shook his head. "Actually, I'm not possessed any-AIEEEEEE!!"

Seth, you see, had just attempted to impale the unfortunate necromancer with a weasel. "DIE, EVIL WARLOCK!! DIIIEEE!!"

"Why, oh why do I always have to be the one who gets attacked?!" Lyon wailed, ducking as an ermine sailed overhead. "DUCKY!!" Eirika hollered, looking around for the aforementioned duck. Seth readied a ferret. "Because Margie wishes it, devil-boy!!"

Seth then tackled Lyon, and the two fell through a plothole...

"MALLARD!!!" Eirika screeched.

-Seth's Evil Mansion, Which Just Happens to be Where Raphael Is-

Lyon stared, horrified, at Margie, who laughed evilly.

(Now that that stupid skank is gone I can have what I really want which is you)

"Nooo!! Get away from me, you wenchy weapon!! You slutty sword!!"

(You cannot resist my seductive metal glitteryness)

"Oh yes I can!!"

(Here I come pretty boy)

The sword then proceeded to braid Lyon's hair and kiss him, an amazing feat, considering the weapon had neither hands nor lips... Lyon shrieked. "EWWW, DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU'VE BEEN?!?"

The sumo squished both Nicole and her lover, then jiggled her body happily in a sorry attempt at belly dancing. Raphael teleported into a nearby bathroom, and leaned against the wall, panting. Then a female ghost whacked him over the head with her purse. "THIS IS THE WOMAN'S BATHROOM, PERV!!" A crying Raphael was driven out of the bathroom by a horde of enraged female spirits.

-Place with Riane-

"...Mom?" Riane pointed out. "Dad just fell through a plothole with Seth. Aaand the way Seth was positioned looked suggestive. I think you should save him."

-teh mansion-

"Quick! In here!" A male called out to Raphael from the men's restroom. He had shiny silver-white hair that reached halfway down his back, a tan and green cape made from a heavy material, dark blue eyes, and a big-ass axe on his back. Suffice to say, he was bishounen material, and one of Num's OCs.

-Placey-

"Righto!! Oh, Riane, by the way-" Eirika paused at the plot hole and beamed. "I'M PREGNANT!!!" A random goron's jaw dropped to the floor. "Th-that's...nice, mom..." Riane forced a crooked smile and waved. "...Knew this was coming..."

-Housey-

However, little did Eirika know that Lyon already was being saved...

(Put the gun down no need to be hasty) Margie whimpered, as Leon, cold fire flaring in his eyes, readied his machine gun. Lyon tilted his head to one side, confused. "Uh... where'd you get that, son?" Leon beamed up at his daddy. "Some pimp rapper lent it to me!!"

Meanwhile, Raphael let out a relieved sigh. "Thank God!! I was nearly done for-" Nicole burst into the room, squealing, and huggled Raphael so tightly that he could hardly breathe. "OMG, we're gonna rule the world together and kill the humans and make babies every night-Ooooo." Nicole's eyes had just seen the other sexy bishie in the room. She grinned. These two guys were just the right people to start her harem with... "...Look, lady, I don't have the time for you to be ogling me." The silver-haired bish snorted. "Ack... choking... Um, well, me and this crazy wench have got to be leaving for the Village of Lost Souls now, so-"

"GHOSTIES ATTAAACK!!!"

A bunch of enraged phantoms swept into the room.

"HOW DARE YOU GO INTO THE GIRL'S BATHROOM!?!"

"IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!!"

"DIIIEEE!!"

And then everyone saw the llama. And the emu.

The silver-haired bish seemed unfazed, like he dealt with this kind of stuff every day. "So...why are you heading to this Village of Lost Souls? If it's because she wants to rape you, that's probably not a good place, judging from the name."

"Oh no, it's because she killed off hundreds of people in an attempt to kidnap me, and I heard that the dead can be brought back from there..."

At that moment, Nicole glanced through a plot hole. And froze. Who was that sexy, black-haired demon tied to a chair and grinning promiscuously?!?

--

Numdenu suddenly floated out of the wall, rubbing her chin. "Well, Matthias? I'd say now's as good a time as any to scram."

The silver haired bish--Matthias--sighed. "Yes, I KNOW! Hey, You. Might want to run from that psycho now." Raphael peeked through the portal. "Holy shiites, that's my brother!" He scooted away. "He's not very nice. Well, I'm off to the Village of Lost Souls. I don't suppose you'd want to come along to protect me from other swooning evil females?" He asked, rather desperately. "One problem: I'm a mercenary, so I have to charge for it. How much you willing to offer for the aid of a professional rabid fangirl dodger?" Matthias raised an eyebrow. Raphael sighed and pulled a coronet out from inside his robes. Curse the mercenary, it was HIS shiny!! But he had no choice. With a sad look on his face, he forked over the glittery golden object.

-Somewhere-

Well...why not? Lucian was hot as anything, and she was bored out of her mind...

Riane summoned a plothole to

the Gerudo Desert.

Formotiss and Nicole both continued to stare, transfixed, at one other. Then Nicole hopped through the plot hole and plunked herself down on Formotiss' lap.
"I like hot people!!" Nicole chirped.
"Me too!!"
"I also like killing humans!! Slowly!!"
"Same here!!"
A pause.
"...But what I really, really like sex."
"Oh my gawd yesss!!"
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
"I think so!!"
The Gerudos fled the room, pulling Lucian and Flisk with them. What was about to happen in that room was probably not appropriate for them to see.

...And the Gerudos happened to run smack into Riane. "Hand over Lucian. Now."

She defenitely wasn't playing around. However, neither were the Gerudos. Screaming a bloody battle cry, one of the ladies threw herself at Riane and bit her in the leg whilst foaming at the mouth. The more immediate threat, however, was the mob of angry cucoos the other Gerudo had released...

Happy noises came from the room Formotiss and Nicole were in.

Riane paled. "Shit..." Shaking off the rabid Gerudo in a heartbeat, she grabbed Lucian and ran for it. At that moment, a certain blonde-haired person crashed into the two. Cloud jumped back to his feet, bristling. "Hey, you two have to come help me! Some fat dog-thingy named Pete carted off Aerith!! And Sephirhoth is with Pete!! And when Sephirhoth and Aerith meet, BAD THINGS HAPPEN, SUCH AS MY GIRLFRIEND GETTING STABBED!! Get the picture?" He growled.

-Housey-

Matthias smiled. "Lead on, Sir. I will protect you with my life."

"Disgusting half-elf!" someone screamed out of nowhere. They soon met with the sharp end of Matthias' axe.

Soren promptly appeared out of a plothole and shook Matthias' hand. "Another remarkably sexy person who's hated for being a half breed. Welcome to my life."

And so the three bishies set out on a quest of epic proportions, epic battles, epic, life-threatening decisions, epic loyalty-

"I have to go potty." Flisk whined, interrupting the mood.

Raphael slapped him. "No one asked you want you wanted, you stowaway!! We're on a boat in the middle of a huge lake, where the heck are you going to pee?!"

In response, Flisk stood up, turned around, and wee-weed into the murky black water. When he was done, he let out a sigh of relief. And then an ominous growling noise came from the lake's depths. Huge bubbles rose to the surface. Raphael went pale. "Methinks someone shouldn't have tinkled in the lake." Soren said boredly from where he was sitting and reading. Matthias let out a long sigh, pulling out his axe. "Dumbass. You know what?" He swung the mighty axe, punting Flisk into the lake with it. "See ya!" Amazingly, however, Flisk didn't sink! "I MUST BE JESUS!!" He beamed. Raphael's eyes widened. "Or it could be the fact that you're standing on the head of a giant sea serpent..." Soren mused. Flisk glanced downwards. "Oh. Possibly. I still like the "I am Jesus idea" more, though. Matthias closed his eyes and said nothing, regretting having that stowaway idiot tag along. Raphael, Soren, and Flisk all cowered behind Matthias, screaming in shrill, feminine voices. The dark, slime-covered, serpentine head rose farther out of the eerily glowing lake, and hissed at the only manly man present, AKA the mercenary.

"I am the Lake's Guardian. Who dares trespass on my lands?" The deep, booming voice asked, the monstrous head swaying slowly from side to side. Flisk happily popped up and shouted "We do's!!" The serpent hissed, and Flisk went back to hiding behind Matthias. "Insolent fools! Now, your fates are sealed... Unless you can solve my riddle." Feverishly hoping none of them had ever read the Hobbit, which was the critter's favorite book, the beast announced the riddle.

"It cannot be seen, cannot be felt,

Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt.

It lies behind stars and under hills,

And empty holes it fills.

It comes first and follows after,

Ends life, kills laughter."

-Gerudo-

"Sorry, I'm kinda in the middle of saving my own boyfriend!" Riane ran right past Cloud, Lucian waving in the wind like a flag. At that moment, however, both teenagers felt a sudden stab of pain. "What the hell?" Lucian muttered, confused, staring at the tranquilizer dart embedded in his arm. Then he collapsed on the floor, knocked out. A mysterious, cackling shadow appeared over the two unconscious teens...

-???-

Lucian awoke groggily and stared around. He was lying on a bed, and Riane was next to him, still fast asleep. There was no door out of the small room, but one of the walls was missing-it opened up to a large room full of scientific equipment, a huge fish tank with a large, pissed looking guppy of epic proportions floating in it, and various other funny, weird labby-things, like lava lamps and mysterious glowing objects of doom (tm). Shrugging, Lucian started to leave, but then smacked into something. "What the-?" A huge sheet of Plexiglas was separating this room from the other, and he hadn't noticed the see-through material. "Oookay..." Then an evil, giggling, happy-looking hunchbacked old man with wild white hair and a moustache teetered over. He waved his cane in the air excitedly and spoke to the sock puppet he was wearing. "THIS IS IT, FLUFFY!! THE CROWNING MOMENT OF BIOLOGICAL ACHIEVEMENT!! WITHIN MOMENTS, WE WILL WITNESS AN AMAZING AND HIGHLY EROTIC MATING RITUAL BETWEEN A DEMONIC DRAKE AND A DRACANIAN WITH BRAIDED HAIR!! NEEHEEHEE!! THE ONLY THING IN MY MEMORY THAT COULD MATCH THIS EPIC SCENE IS THE ENIGMATIC MIGRATORY FLIGHT OF THE NON-FLYING EMU!!" He hugged his sock puppet lovingly. "I love you, too, Fluffy! You've always been there to support me... I couldn't have come this far without you!" Lucian blinked. "What the hell?"

"Mating ritual between a who and a what?" Said Riane, who had apparently woken up and crept to Lucian's side, quite stealthily. The old scientist, who lived outside of Hyrule lake, cackled madly and pointed at them. "A mating between a you and a him! I say, Fluffy, this might turn me on, and I do some craaazy things when that happens..." The elderly chap then began to make out with his sock puppet, which bore an uncanny resemblance to Paris Hilton...

"Well, this is... interesting." Lucian muttered, watching the senile romance with interest.

-Lake-

Matthias puzzled for a few moments...then smirked. "Htorisotark. Em dnatsrednu uoy nac? Ecnelis si eno. Ynam era srewsna eht." The serpent spat. Deltora was one of its other favorite book series, silly human! "Silence is not the answer I wanted!! The answer is darkness, you nimrod!! How dare you not appreciate the ingeniusness of J.R. Tolkien!! NOW YOU DIE-" The monster looked around, confused, then spotted the four boatsmen rowing like crazy towards the far shore. "COME BACK HERE!!" With an earsplitting screech, the creature dove underwater and sped towards the boat.

Matthias blinked. "Wow...it thought I was a human. But how was I supposed to have read the Hobbit? I can't even get into any bookstores."

"Well, I think it's sexy that you're a halfling!" A female voice called out.

"You've got the sexy slimness and hair of an elf, and the muscles of a human! Whoot!" A dainty, sparkly mermaid flopped out of the water and into the boat, where she gave Matthias a very wet hug.

The boat bumped against the shore, and the mermaid swam off, chortling.

"Ah... I think we're there." Raphael said softly. The wind picked up and whistled, a sound reminiscent of the moan of some long forgotten, abandoned soul, through the skeletal branches of a forest of withered trees, stirring up the dying brown grass. An abandoned village-or what remained of it-stood before them. Small huts, standing on tiny stilt legs to keep them out of the mud that swamped the village, had a look of misery and poverty about them. Thunder rumbled ominously overhead. "Well... I guess we should find shelter."

-Lab-

"...Shall we get out of here before someone tries to stick us in bed together? I intend to remain a virgin until at least fifteen," Riane said, rather moodily. Lucian jotted down a note to buy a 2-year calendar as soon as possible. "Yes, that sounds good." Turning into a dragon, Lucian razed the Plexiglas into tiny pieces. The two then proceeded to stroll out, and the old man took advantage of the empty bed to have happy time with his sock puppet. Then Lucian came to a halt in front of a large tank full of gooey, rounded creatures. "Oooh... jellyfish."

"They can sting, you know," Riane growled. "Now can we get moving? I'm already sick of this place." Lucian didn't respond, but stood transfixed by the rubbery pink blobs. "I shall call him Squishy and he shall be mine and he shall be MY SQUISHY!!" Lucian squealed, hugging the tank. A large sign next to the tank said 'Boy-Attracting Jellyfish.' Go figure. At that moment, the old man and his Paris Hilton puppet charged over. "ATTACK!! DON'T LET MY RARE SPECIMENS ESCAAAPE!!" And all the jellyfish threw themselves out of the tank and rained down upon Riane and Lucian...

-Village-

Matthias, still in shock about that whole half-breed glomping mermaid earlier, simply nodded and followed. Dayumn, no one ever hugged him! Flisk suddenly felt inspired to give Matthias a pity hug. Needless to say, it was not appreciated. Clambering into the least dilapidated of the houses, Raphael summoned up blankets for them to sleep on and collapsed wearily on his own. "Well, we can explore tomorrow. G'night, everyone."

At that moment, Flisk let out a whiny yelp. "There's a spider in my bed!!"

"Shut up and go to sleep, idiot!" Soren growled. Flisk whimpered and rummaged under the covers, caught the offending critter, and pulled it out. He brightened. "Oh, don't worry guys, it wasn't a spider, it was just a living decapitated hand!"

There was a silence, and by 2.5 seconds later, everyone else was out of their beds, staring around wildly. "Don't just stand there, stab it or something!" Matthias shouted, eye twitching.

The hand wagged a finger. "Sir! I do beg your pardon! Is it in the least bit polite to stab a hand through upon first glance?" Receiving no answer, he continued. "I am appalled at your rudeness, all of you! With that attitude, you'll never have tea with the Queen of the Village of Lost Souls!"

An awkward pause descended onto the party. "Awesome! Redead old lady!" Flisk shrieked excitedly. At that moment, there was a loud creaking noise, and the whole house began to rock back and forth. Smacking against the floor, Raphael got a look outside and gasped. "Guys, the house is walking, and it's heading straight for a g-g-graveyard!!"

-Lab-

Riane just used the shifting powers that all Dracanians possess to sprout gargoyle-esque wings and fly out of the way, perching in an alcove in the wall. She shook her head in pity for her boyfriend, who did not follow. However, he escaped a moment later and joined her at the window, in the form of a chicken and looking rather tipsy. "I'm... o-okay...' He gurgled before falling over. "I don't think jellyfish are supposed to make you drunk..." Riane held up Lucian by his chicken-y feet and flew out the open window with him. ...Little did the two know that not only did being around those jellyfish produce a high sensation, but that high sensation could be used to track down the mad scientist's escaped experiments... Riku looked to the left. Riku looked to the right. Riku stuck a jellyfish on his face and inhaled deeply before falling backwards, wasted. "Man, that is sooo good!"

"Oh, no you don't! You're not going on a wasted rampage again!" Final form Sora glided in out of nowhere with a straitjacket. Riku said a non-G rated word. Several non-G rated words, actually... And yes, Riku was bound in the straitjacket. "Now you just stay like that until you're not high!"

Elsewhere, Lucian returned to sanity and said 'Bawk bawk bawk,' which probably translated to 'Where are we going, Riane?' "Somewhere without any perverted old scientists, for one," Riane replied, still flying full speed. Lucian's stomach heaved. "DOWN, LAND, WE HAVE TO LAND!!" He gurgled, his face turning green. Being flown through the air at high speeds while dangling upside-down and held by the feet was not an overly fun experience. Riane slowed herself and landed on a tree branch. "You know, you could always turn into your human form."

"Uh... yah..." And Lucian did so. At that moment, the tree gave a sudden lurch. "Whaaat." Lucian peered downward, an angry mob was waving pitchforks at the base of the tree. "KILL THE DEMON!!"

Lucian made a face. "That's racist!"

The tree wobbled once more as the obese axemen chopped at it. "Hey, you lousy peasants! Knock it off! He's not a demon!" For once, Riane was happy with her royal status. "This is the daughter of THE Lyon von Grado speaking! If you do anything, both Renais and Grado will be after your hides!" Some evil, tiny, secretive part of Lucian thought it would be fun to beat up the peasants. The good, non-demonic part of Lucian beat the other part over the head with a wombat. "Well, let's be going then, shall we-"

"OHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!!! I SEE YOU, RARE SPECIMENS!!" A familiar Paris Hilton doll sailed by overhead. "YOU SHALL NOT ESCAPE!! ATTACK, BUMBLESTORKS, ATTACK!!" There was an ominous buzzing noise, and a swarm of bee-bodied, alligator-headed, stork-legged uglies flew towards Riane and Lucian! "Lucian?" Riane paled. "...Every man, woman, and child for themselves!!!"

"That's nice." Lucian grumbled. He then pulled out two flyswatters and a can of Raid and leapt through the air, swirling and slapping in slow, sexy Matrix style.

-Village-

"Whoop-dee-doo. Do something." Matthias was calm--and oddly monotone--even as the house bore them closer and closer to the graveyard. Flisk opted to do the chicken dance. Raphael decided to cry like a baby. Soren shook his head and went back to his book, nonplussed. "Wimps." Matthias pounded the grip end of his axe once, loudly, on the floor of the house. "Stop moving." The house responded to Matthias' command by shooting him with a geyser of brown, stinky water from the decrepit-looking toilet in the bathroom. Raphael applauded sarcastically. The half-elf gagged and choked on the putrid liquid, before falling face-first onto the floor near Soren. "Anyone have any better ideas?" Before anyone could respond, the house bucked them all out the open doorway and onto the marshy ground. Raphael smacked into an angel-shaped headstone. "Owie..." He said, rubbing his bruised nose. Then he noticed something. "Hey, that's... that's m-my name carved o-on it!"

"Eerie..." Matthias hesitated, not certain if eerie was spelled correctly, but shook it off. "...Are we in the right area?"

"I think so..." Raphael said, poking at the eerie (which was spelled correctly) gravestone. "That's... ominous. Well, I guess now we just wait for something dramatic to happen-"

Something dramatic happened.

"Welcome home, Lord Raphael!" A deep, morbid voice boomed. Raphael nearly wet hisself. "Wh-wh-what?! I'm not a l-lord, I'm not even d-d-dead! I just want to r-revive p-people!"

The macabre voice sounded annoyed. "Then you should have asked a certain purple-haired necro to revive them instead of coming all the way out here, dipstick!"

Lyon popped out of a plothole. "Hiya!"

Raphael grabbed frantically at the necro, who was eating a jelly doughnut. "Help! Revive people-"

"Would love to, but you see, Eirika's wearing this really sexy coconut bikini right now..." Lyon said, drooling, then he frowned. "'Course, she's also really fat right now, but I'm partially to blame for that... only a little, though. When we sleep together, she's kinda bossy, like a dictator, you know, tyrant-ish in bed. Isn't funny how when people sleep together, there's really very little sleeping involved?! XD! Well, see ya!"

The necro vanished, and Raphael whimpered as the creepy voice echoed out once more. "You say you are not the king? Very well, we shall put you through the Cave of Four Very Nasty and Unpleasantly Painful Trials!!"

"Sounds... fun. Shouldn't it be three trials?" Soren inquired.

"Nope. Three is so yesterday. If you fail the test, you will die an extremely painful death, and become our king! If you suceed, you are undefeatable, and also our king!"

Raphael moaned. He was sooo screwed.

"If... I was your king... could I revive people?"

"Undoubtedly!"

"Alright... I'll just have to survive this trial, then."

And at that moment, a large crevasse opened beneath the four adventurers and dumped them into darkness, resealing behind them. Their eyes slowly adjusted to the darkness, and Raphael, being brave, nearly fainted. "Oh, lovely. Dead people. Most likely the work of giant spiders, considering all the webbing..." Soren droned boredly. "COTTON CANDY!!" Flisk screeched, and began trying to eat some of the cobwebs. Matthias removed his axe from the carcass of a spider. "Well, that was unpleasant," he growled. "Hey, King of the Dead. You'll need to clean up around here." "I am NOT the King of the Dead! Stop calling me that, you're egging the dead people who want to worship me on!" Raphael whined. "Well, there's the door to the next room..." They entered the next room. There was white, slimy stuff all over the place, giving the room a glazed look. Soren whipped out a Deltora book. "Hey... it's the maze of the beast!" That was the gluss' cue, and they all started wriggling forward, mouths agape and cute little tails wagging. At that moment, however, a larger slimy something fell heavily onto the floor. Long, blue, and semi-liquid, two orb-shaped eyes and a fang-lined jaw floated freely at one end of the sluggish beastie, and a sticky substance dripped off of it onto the floor. The gluss made 'oooh' and 'ahhh' noises, and a couple male gluss' whistled promiscuously. "Hey... before we get into an epic boss fight... has anyone seen Flisk?" Raphael asked, worried. The retard was in his care, after all-he'd feel bad if anything horrible had happened to him...

"Oooh, a romantic, candle-lit dinner! Will a romantic one-night stand follow after? I can turn into spiders!" Flisk gibbered naively from where he lay, tightly trussed, on a dinner platter. "But where's the food? And why am I on a plate?" The spider stuck an apple in his mouth to shut him up. Then a male spider trotted in, a bouquet of roses clamped in his jaws, which he presented to the female, who squealed delightedly. "Hey, that's MY female spider!!" Flisk shrieked angrily, spitting out the fruit. The two spiders turned towards him, drooling, and something clicked in Flisk's mind. "Hey... Wait... Me on plate, no food in sight... NOT GOOD!!!" Flisk's demise was delayed by another spider coming in and saying "Petey" had been squished by an axe.

"Semi-solid foes should be weakest against magic," Matthias droned. "Soren, I think this is your job...Soren???"

"Dammit, I am not a girl!!" Soren shrieked as a male gluss chewed fondly on his beautiful hair. A group of enraged spiders burst in from the room they had just vacated, screeching about 'Petey,' and Raphael was sucked into the squishy-blue-thing's tummy, squeaking in terror. They were screwed, not much to say, really, except...

"PETE THE MAGIC DRAGON!!" Flisk sang, waving his head back and forth to the beat. All the spiders froze, entranced by his idiocy, and giving the other three members of the party a chance to do... "Something productive, I suppose." Soren mused. Matthias freed Raphael from the blob's gut. "Productive. Like that." The blob, who shall henceforth be called Squishy, roared and lunged at Matthias, spitting digestive juices and attempting to trap and suffocate the interfering halfling with its slime. Ah yes, Squishy was a friendly critter!

-Somewhere-

Riane, meanwhile, perched on another tree with some buttery popcorn and watched the smexy show. At that moment, however, Riane was grabbed by the collar and hoisted into the air by a sexy guy with long white hair and an oversized shiskabob of a sword. However, the man was then attacked by a certain familiar, gothic pixie, who glomped his forehead, covering his eyes so that he couldn't see. "SEPHY-WOFF!!" Pixie shrilled, nibbling affectionately on his ear. Riane flicked the hand that was around her collar, knocking it off. "And just what the hell do you want?"

"I VANT YOUR SOUL!!" Seph announced, very dramatically.

"Hey, I got rid of the monsters, Ria-Who are you?!" Lucian snarled, confronting the newcomer.

"I'm-"

"SEPHY-WOFF!!"

"...Are you related to Riku?" Riane asked, tilting her head slightly. "You have the same hair and eyes." Seph cursed. She was on to him!! Time to retreat!! "You have not seen thee last of me, girly!" And without further ado, he disappeared. "That was weird!" Lucian commented as Pixie sobbed her eyes out. At that moment, however, the tree was completely severed and fell over, depositing Lucian into the hands of an enraged mob. "BURN THE DEMON AT THE STAKE!!" A rather obese clergyman named Moulder shrieked as he reached out to pluck up an unsuspecting young girl.

"DOWN, PEASANTS!" Riane screeched.

The crowd came to a sudden halt.

"He's not a demon, jackasses. Let him go."

"Well, I USED to be a demon!" Lucian said brightly, condemning himself. The poor wretch had accidentally taken some of Flisk's stupid pills that morning...

Someone then made the mistake of throwing a pitchfork at Riane.

-Cave of Trials-

"Vertical slash to the head," the half-elf droned, performing the move. And then, miraculously, they somehow made it to the next trial in one piece. Raphael sagged onto the floor, looking decidedly un-kingly. The room wasn't overly impressive-just a lot of malicious-looking pipes poking into a large, damp chamber. At that moment, however, a bunch of withered, rotting hands burst out of the ground and grabbed Raphael, who screamed wimpily. The hands took off down a large pipe, carting the unlucky sage with them and narrowly dodging the attacks of the other three people on the makeshift team of vagabonds. Finally, after going down a twisting labyrinth of side-passages and secret tunnels, the hands dumped Raphael onto a rather comfy bed. With heart-shaped pillows! ...Blood-stained, heart-shaped pillows. "Oooh, that's l-lovely..." Suddenly, sadistic laughter rang out from the far side of the room, where a fireplace was burning in a romantically evil kind of way. Raphael whimpered pathetically and squished back against the bed's headpiece, a trapped, slime-coated bishie with no physical strength whatsoever. Heck, his GRANDMA had more muscle then him! And yet, he was still sexy... strange world, no?

Another cackle.

"Oooh, look, Jamie!"

"What is it, Amie?"

"Sexy guy, Jamie!"

"Oooh, baby!"

"W-who's there?!" Raphael tried to sound fierce, but ended up sounding terrified.

"It's us, right, Jamie?"

"Yes indeedy, Amie!"

"I'm a siren, sweetie!"

"And I'm a harpy, ziti!"

Two beautiful woman-ish people materialized out of the shadows. Both had flame-red hair and emerald eyes-Jamie had feathered wings on her back and clawed, bird-talon-esque hands, and Amie had gills lining her neck and webbed toes.

"We're twins, oh yes!"

"Together, we do best!"

"We always speak in rhyme..."

"The harmony is quite sublime!"

"We like sex, pretty boy!"

"And we like eating, joy!"

Raphael gagged. "So... you're g-going too... and then... e-eat... m-me...?"

"Oh yes, isn't he smart!"

"I'll bet he tastes like a little sweet tart!"

Raphael fainted.

After the hands had disappeared down the pipe, Matthias just stood there, staring. "...Who goes first?" Silence. "...Flisk. Flisk goes first. Soren is the mage, and thus sending him first would not be very wise. Besides, we are superior." With a nod, he...continued to stand there. Soren kicked Flisk down the pipe in a comradely manner. "AIYEEEEEEE!!"

Meanwhile, the poor wretch down below had regained consciousness just as the two evil ladies started to advance towards him.

"We take the phrase 'eat me...'"

"A little too literally, hee!"

"I'm w-warning you! I know... I know...k-k-"

"Karate?"

"Hottie!"

"K-k-knitting! B-be afraid! BE V-VERY A-AFRAID!!"

Flisk was punted into Jamie via an axe.

"Okay, let him go," Matthias sighed, already tired of this. Still, he'd been paid well...curse his sterling reputation.

Both betches froze.

"Elf... san!" Drooled Jamie, who was partial to the skinny, long-haired race.

"Hu... man!" Slobbered Amie, who loved the big, bulky Homo sapiens.

Raphael suddenly felt neglected. "Hey, I'M the one you wanted to rape and eat!" He pouted, crossing his arms.

Matthias was already a tad pale, but now he was alabaster white. "Rape and...eat? Okay, uh...I...know how to use this axe!" Wow, the mercenary was unnerved. A certain psychologist-who-wasn't-a-psychologist fluttered in through a non-existant window and nodded understandingly. "Why does this situation upset you so, Matthias? Were you enslaved and sexually abused as a young child for being a halfling? You need to get these feelings out, honey! It can only make things better!" Raphael, who had been tied to one side of the bed, suddenly realized that maybe he didn't want this kind of attention after all.

"Nooooo... d-don't..." He sobbed, cowering.

"Shh, we'll play with you after the halfling!"

"Err... and... give you a little calfling?" Jamie said, trying to keep the beat. Raphael brightened. "I love cows!"

The two woman-things advanced menacingly towards Matthias, and Flisk, his terror barely beating up his love for beautiful ladies, hid under the bed. Soren announced "I have to go... uh... do important stuff! Bye!" And vanished.

The psychologist slash yaoi fan jumped up and down angrily. "Get 'em, Matthias! Don't be afraid of these evil, immensely powerful chicks of death!! KILL!!"

Meanwhile, in the final trial room, the Queen of the Village of Lost Souls wondered what the hell was taking her hubbie so long... "Don't tell me the idiot can't beat the betchs!" She groaned.

Matthias took a deep breath. "Right...I can beat these betchs! I'll pound them into the ground!" His eyes flew open. Yep, he was ready to kick some tail.

A radio in the background began playing Malice Mizer's "Gardenia," which sounded very dramatic, gothy, rock-y, and kickass. Matthias raised his axe, and became a whirlwind of steel and smexy half-elf...ness.

In other words, if you didn't get hit by the blade, you'd get a nosebleed from his unearthly grace with such a weapon. Well, needless to say, the betches were destroyed, but Raphael wasn't overly pleased. "You gaf me uh nuzbeed!" He grumbled, rubbing at his injured nose. And so Flisk was dragged out from under the bed, Raphael untied, Soren resummoned, and the four dudes (plus one masked yaoi maker) continued to the final trial, with Flisk occasionally scaring the hell out of everyone by acting like he'd seen a disembodied hand. This prank stopped after Soren set him on fire. The last room was a vast, open stretch of grass, reaching from rocky wall to rocky wall. Small, cuddly pink bunnies nibbled happily on the plants, their cute little noses twitching, and one very large bunny was lying at the far end. The bishies and ex-psychologist (who was still trying to weedle Matthias' past out of him) trotted forward, enjoying the peace of the scene after their last harrowing ordeal. Raphael went up to the large rabbit and patted it on its fuzzy flank. "Aww... cute wikkle bunny-kins!"

The rabbit roared, revealing pointed fangs. The fur and skin dropped off, revealing the rotting, animated corpse of a bunny, skeletal limbs clearly visible. "I AM NOT A CUTE WIKKLE BUNNY-KINS!! I AM THE QUEEN OF THE VILLAGE OF LOST SOULS, AND YOUR WIFE, DIPSTICK!!" All the other bunnies followed suit, dropping all pretense of sweet and becoming zombified, foaming-at-the-mouth, meat-eating redeads. Matthias clapped. "Brilliant stunt, Your Majesty!"
"SHADDUP, PATHETIC HALF-ELF SCUM!" a rabbit roared, causing the mercenary to wince slightly. Just as doom seemed imminent, a certain very pissed mermaid flopped into the room. "NOBODY-I MEAN NOBUNNY-INSULTS MY BABY-KIN'S HALFLING-NESS AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!!" She roared, those cute, chibi eyes glaring death. The rabbit who had spoken burst into flames, quite spontaneously. "...Okay..." Matthias paused for a moment. "Hey, Sparkly Mermaid Chick! I'll give you a smooch if you save us from these evil rabbits!" The mermaid emitted a very high-pitched squeal of happiness and went on a berserk rampage, slaughtering all the poor little evil rabbits before locking her lips onto a rather stunned Matthias'. A depressed-looking disembodied hand depostited a crown on Raphael's head. "Everyone who died is revived, the village is rebuilt, yaddah yaddah yaddah have a nice day." It droned, then scuttled away, miffed. Raphael stood there quietly, looking at his three rejoicing friends, one of whom was dancing the hokey-pokey, another who was reading, unpertrubed, and the last who was trying to remove the beautiful mermaid who was suction-stuck to his face. Their quest was over, and they had no reason to stay with him anymore. The mercenary would return to his post to seek more employers, the mage to his studies, and the idiot to who-knows-where. And... he would go back to being alone. Not even crazy Nicole would be there to make him feel wanted. He looked at the ground, was suprised to find his vision clouded by tears. His own parents had been killed beyond any hope of reviving when he was just a child; killed for birthing him, a half Dracanian, half human. He had been 'adopted' by Fomortiis, and had lived his childhood in constant terror of the majority of his foster family, and once he had been old enough to leave, he had had no place to call home, not with his heritage. Even the city he had come all the way here to revive had only partially accepted him... Matthas finally resorted to using a crowbar to free his mouth momentarily. "Oh, come on. For God's sake, do something with yourself! Like, I'd suggest what I did, become a mercenary, but that doesn't seem to be your style." The crowbar snapped in two. "Mmmrph!" Raphael burst into tears. "Please, please take me with you, I'll be... a m-mercenary h-healer!!"

The mermaid paused and snorted. "A mercenary HEALER? What a wuss!"

-Somewhere-

It missed by a mile, but that didn't mean anything. Riane's eyes flared with rage, and she raised her head and cried to the skies..."DAAAAAAAAAD! THE PEASANTS ARE THROWING SHIT AT MEEEEEEE!" Lyon was there in a heartbeat, looking so angry that it was scary. The peasants gave a collective shudder. "I give you dental plans. I give you health insurance. And how do you thank me?" He pulled the pitchfork from the ground and pointed it at the peasants, eyes narrowed. "You try to impale my daughter. NOBODY tries to impale my daughter." A cricket chirped. "Well, unless I say so. Now, who wants to try a taste of naglfar?" There was an explosion of dust, and when it settled, the peasants had all vanished, run back to their little mud houses to cower. Lyon turned around. "And you, young lady, are grounded. And don't you even talk!" He snarled at Lucian, who's mouth had just fallen open. "I have news that you two were in bed together... unsupervised, unless you count a certain delinquent scientist." Before they could respond, a sappy, overly sugary voice drawled out of the darkness. "No worries, Prince-I'll take Lucy off your hands." A girl stepped out of the shadows, about the same age as Riane. She had long brown hair, a blue headband, jeans, and jacket, and a white shirt, and she was leading a wretched-looking Vaati about by a leash. "Hi, Lucy." Lucian went an unpleasant shade of white. "But Daaad!" Riane whined. "I escaped before they could do anything to me! I didn't want sex! I--who the heck are you guys?"

"I'm Amber, and this is Fuckwit. Say 'hello,' Fuckwit."

"Hello." Vaati intoned miserably.

"Good boy. I'm Lucy's lover-you know, Lucy, that guy who's cowering behind you right now? I want him back, so I'm taking him. Any questions?"

"I thought you liked Matthew!!" Lucian squeaked. She snorted.

"Puh-leaz. Good guys are so YESTERDAY."

"Well I'm a good guy now, actually..."

"Whatever. You're coming with me. I'll reawaken the evil in you soon enough."

"Sorry, no Lucian for you." Riane snorted. "Why don't you just go play with Fuckwit the Magical?" Amber cast one glance at Lyon to make sure he wouldn't be able to interfere. He wouldn't-the poor guy had fallen asleep, sucking his thumb. Eirika wouldn't allow him to rest whenever they were in bed together, so he needed to take naps whenever he got the chance. Amber smirked.

"My Lucy."

She dropped Vaati's leash, and he darted off. Then, she was transforming, wings the color of twilight billowing into existence around her, pupils shrinking into nothing, teeth turning into fangs. In seconds, a massive, lithe dragon towered over them, snarling. Storm clouds rumbled overhead, and lightning lit the sky in brilliant yellow streaks, the wind building into a piercing shriek of fury. All in all, a very impressive picture. "Behind me!" Lucian shouted, jumping in front of Riane as he likewise prepared to shift. But Amber was swifter then him; she leapt forward, slicing with serrated claws. Still not completely in dragon form, Lucian did not have the protective covering of scales that they possessed, and the viscous blow ripped through his skin like it was paper. He screamed hatefully and fell, returning to human form only to be snatched up in Amber's talons. The golden eyes turned to regard Riane, a small girl who had almost no practice with her Dracanian powers, against a trained assassin who had spent years in training with them.

"Don't... hurt her!!" Lucian gasped, pain and blood loss draining his strength.

"Then... tell me you love me." Amber purred, eyes glinting joyfully.

"I..." His eyes met Riane's.

"Love you..."

"Very good! Now off to me lair!!" Amber cackled, and the storm began to recede. She jumped into the air, knocking Riane over with the force of her passage, huge wings snapping downwards to help her break free of the ground's pull, and glinting with small rainbows made by the sunlight. It was about that moment that Lyon woke up, yawning, to see his daughter lying on the ground where she had been knocked, staring up at the sky in shock. "What's this, it seems dear Riane is taking a nap!" Albus Dumbledore then came in and beat Lyon over the head with his wand for stealing a phrase from Potter Puppet Pals. "...Actually, no. A Dracanian came, kidnapped my boyfriend, and knocked me over," Riane replied in monotone. "...I think I'm stuck." Lyon helped his daughter to her feet. "No need to worry, m'dear-where there are flying llamas, there's a way!!"

"Isn't it 'where there's a will there's a way?'" A peasant asked, tentavely. Lyon snorted. "No, where there are flying llamas, there's a way!!" No sooner had he repeated this then a rainbow-colored llama with feathery white wings landed gracefully next to Riane. "There you go, her name's Nanny, she'll take you to your boyfriend-AND make sure nothing naughty happens!"

-Lair of teh DOOM-

"Nyaaa, wakey wakey, my lil' sugar plum!"

Lucian's eyes flickered open; he felt dazed and confused. He had fainted from his injury on the way here...

"KAWAII, LOOKIT, TEH SMEXINESS AWAKENS!!"

He turned away from the nagging, high-pitched voice, and inspected his wound. Someone had removed his shirt and tended to him, and his torso was now wrapped in bloody linen bandages.

"Sorry 'bout that, nibbles..."

He was fettered by the wrists and ankles to a table, and a large, sinister machine took up the rest of the room. Small wires extended from it, ending at suction cups stuck to his forehead and chest. The machine had 'Ezekiel's Science Project - Mind Control Machine' written neatly on it. NOT GOOD.

"Hey slaves, get yer arses in here!! 'TIS WORK TIME!!" Amber screeched in that annoying voice of hers. Knoll and Ezekiel both rushed into the room, looking scared. "Alright, you're gonna make him fall in love with me and be evil-"

"I will never betray my brother!! ...Well, at least, not to people who don't pay well for it!" Ezekiel said, crossing his arms and sticking his tongue out. "And... uh... what he said, minus the brother part." Knoll chimed. Amber arched an eyebrow. "Oh really? Need I remind you of... these?" She held up two photographs, showing what she had done to her slaves during their most recent torture session-put them in frilly pink dresses and applied lavish amounts of make-up. "Wouldn't they look nice on your Myspace accounts...?" She mused, rubbing her chin. The ten year old evil genius burst into tears, and Knoll assumed the fetal position. "NOOOOOOOOOES!!"

"Alrighty, then, hop to it!"

Ezekiel and Knoll scrambled over to the machine and began pressing buttons, pulling levers, switching switches and monitoring monitors. "Gee, thanks, brother. No Christmas presents for you THIS year..." Lucian grumbled. "Ready for mind altering!" Ezekiel muttered, grabbing a large red switch and poising to switch it. "Alrighty!! Oh yah, this might hurt a wee bit... So I'll hold your hand!" Lucian bared his fangs and growled, and Amber assumed a hurt expression. The ominous switch was pulled. Lucian screamed as a spasm of excruciating pain jolted through him, and he convulsed, then fell silent. Smoky tendrils of steam curled away from his forehead, and his eyes had closed. Amber screamed and ran to her bishie, knocking over Knoll in the process, and began jumping up and down and pulling at her hair in distressed anxiety. "ZOMG ZOMG YOU FRIED HIM YOU KILLED HIM YOU MELTED HIS BEAUTIFUL LITTLE BR-A-IN-Z!!" She burst into tears and buried her face into his hair, but just as she was about to go murder her bumbling scientists, Lucian made a croaking noise. "HE LIVES!! OMG, HE'S JESUS, HE CAME BACK FROM THE DEAD-"

"Ribbit!" Lucian exclaimed, picking his nose with his tongue, which looked oddly long...

Amber blinked.

"Wha-"

"Ribbit!"

"HOLY CHIT YOU MADE HIM THINK HE WAS A FROG?!?" Angry marks appeared all over Amber, and Knoll and Ezekiel clung fearfully to each other, whimpering. "Just... minor mistake... can fix..."

"THEN DO IT, AND DO IT NOOOW!!!"

Several minutes later, Lucian was correctly hypnotized, and he was unchained so that Amber could better cuddle with her bishie. "Ah, my sweet little Lucy-kins, who do you love?" She purred, nuzzling his neck. He tenderly stroked her hair and kissed her gently on the cheek. "I love you, Amber..."

"Correct!! YAY!! Alright, now, what country should we go destroy first? Wait... where did that little tramp that tried to steal you from me live?" Something flickered in Lucian's eyes, but then they went blank again. "Grado."

"GREAT!! That's where the carnage will start, then!! OFF WE GO, LUCY-CHAN!!"

And, with Lucian transformed into a gigantic black dragon and Amber a twilight-colored one, the two Dracanians headed for Grado...

-Village-

"...Actually, mercenary duos of fighters and healers are quite effective...MMMRPH! GERROFF!" And so, several hours later, the mermaid was removed and Soren departed. However, Flisk and Raphael the mage and/or healer tagged along with Matthias to... somewhere.

And so did the masked yaoi maker.

"Heehee... Raphael's so cute and innocent! He needs a big, strong MANLY-MAN like Matthias to protect and love him... heehee..."