How To Tick Off Fullmetal (By Roy Mustang)

Lesson 3: If you require some assisantance in your ever continuing attempt to anger Fullmetal, help of suboordinates may be required.

Example: January 4;

Roy Mustang was on the end of his rope. Ed was getting angrier and angrier by the day. Not only that, but he complained all the time!

"Not enough missions," he would say. "This mission sucks, find a new one. Get that milk away from me! Go drool over your miniskirt magazine somewhere else!"

Ok, so maybe missions had gotten somewhat annoying or monotonous, but that was certainly no reason to reject milk so coldly. What a jerk! How could he throw milk at the walls of Roy's office so carelessly? And what's wrong with miniskirts anyways? WOMEN LOOK HOT IN THEM DAMMIT!

With Ed's progressing anger, Roy found it rather difficult to tick him off further. It was kind of like trying to kill a peice of steak. No matter how many more times you stab it, grill it, fry it, or nuke it, it can't get any deader. Roy knew this, he tried. Ed was like that meat...ok, maybe he wasn't a slab of bleeding flesh that, when cooked just right, tasted delicious. He was just short, annoying, and complained far too much.

Roy now paced the floor of his office, frustrated. He had to come up with a plan.

"Think, Mustang. Think already! You have to find a way. Something that can tick everyone off, but it ticks Fullmetal off more just because he takes things too far. That's what happens when you don't drink milk."

As if on cue, Leiutenant Colonel Hughes burst into the door, twirling around as if he were a ballerina.

"Roy!" he chorused, spinning up to his longtime friend. "You have just got to see these pictures of my darling Elicia!"

Hughes took out a mass of photos, about five inches thick and started shoving one after the other in Roy's face, describing each one to him.

"...and this one is when she was sleeping. And this one is when she was sleeping two minutes later. And this one is when she was sleeping three minutes later and this.."

"I get it already!" Roy said throwing up his arms. "You stalk your little girl everywhere she goes to the point where she can't even pee in privacy!"

Roy didn't expect an answer, but when there was a long silence, instead of seeing Maes looking incredibly hurt at the misdirected insult, he was blushing with a big smile on his face.

"How'd you know!" Hughes asked joyfully.

Roy toppled over, then jumped up in Hughes' face.

"You're going to scar that girl for li--" he broke off. An idea struck him then. He smiled coyly and cleared his throat. "Hughes, I'm going to call Fullmetal in here. I want you to show him these pictures. He seems to have low morale for the military lately, and I think he needs to see just what we're fighting for."

"...Pictures?" Maes asked, puzzled.

"No, darn it! The girl! Kids like her! They need a future!"

"Are you just trying to find an excuse to make Edward angry?" Hughes asked.

"No. I'm trying to boost his morale. No follow your orders," Roy said turning around and walking out the door.


Moments later, Edward walked in, sitting on the couch, expecting some kind of lecture. Well, actually, since he was told Hughes wanted to see him, he was hoping the man had new information on the Philosopher's Stone, but Roy's smirk always made him suspicious.

"Hey Hughes, what's up?" Ed asked casually, playing with a ball of fuzz he plucked from his cloak.

Maes cleared his throat, appearing to be looking very sternly out the window.

"Edward, I have something very important to show you," he said gravely.

Instantly, Ed braced for the worst. His mind first raced to Al. Had something happened to him in the short time it took Ed to go from the hotel room four blocks down the street to here? Or maybe something happened back home, to Auntie Pinako, or Winry? Or perhaps Scar was back or...

"See!"

Ed's thoughts were interrupted by a flood of pictures being jammed in his face.

"See!" Hughes said again, flipping through picture after picture. "She's using the potty all on her own! And here she is, her mommy giving her a bath! And here she is in that little pink dress I bought her!"

Ed hastily pushed the pictures away.

"Dammit! What the hell's going on? Why are you showing me these?"

"Well Ed, we all feel you're...too uptight, and well... DOESN'T THE SIGHT OF MY BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER MAKE YOU WANNA SMILE!"

With that, Ed stormed out of the room, and slammed into Mustang, who was conveniently on his way back to his office.

"You told him to do that, didn't you?" Ed demanded of Roy.

"And what if I did?" Roy countered.

For a moment, both were silent. Then Ed grumbled and ran out the building, back to the hotel so as not to leave Al for too long. Roy chuckled and walked back into his office, only to be suffocated with more photos.

An important thing to keep in mind when using subordinates to tick off Fullmetal is that it is very likely that you will suffocate and/or go blind from the flood of pictures from a family crazed officer.


Ok...I don't have much to say except thank you for the reviews...and I'm sorry if this lesson isn't all that amusing, but...you gotta love Hughes ne? Oh, the comedic relief. Until next time/).(\ (\/)