How To Tick Off Fullmetal (By Roy Mustang)

Lesson 6: Even Fullmetal's enemies can be allies...when it comes to ticking him off.

Example: October 27.

Roy was running out of options. His humour only went so far, and there was only so little of Edward's height to make fun of. The centimetres were running low, and they were low to begin with!

Following the descriptions Edward gave him and a lot of help, Roy somehow managed to track down the person Edward referred to as "Envy."

For some reason, this Envy seemed very willing to cooperate with the Colonel. He agreed to come into the headquarters under special guard for an interview. However, there was one condition the Colonel insisted he adhere to:

"I need you to at least dress appropriately."

So, when the day came, extra security was placed near Roy's office, and Envy was escorted in. When the door was opened, Roy surprised by what he saw; walking in was a beautiful young man with amethyst eyes, long dark locks, and a soft face. He had a slender, strong build covered by a sleek black suit. Everyone outside was looking at him in wonder and the girls were blushing. All the girls, of course, except Riza, who stayed in the office with Roy. Although she regarded Envy's appearance favourably, she was aware of what he was and kept herself on guard.

Roy stood to greet the homunculus with a shake of the hand. He found Envy's hand to be soft, and pleasant.

"Thank you for coming, Envy. I'm sure you're wondering why you're here and we haven't arrested you yet," Roy said, indicating the seat across from his desk.

"Indeed," Envy replied, taking a seat. A terrible smirk cross his lips. "What could the military possibly want with a homunculus that doesn't involve an arrest, interrogation, and experimentation?"

"Well, you see..." Roy paused in a manner that made even the seemingly careless homunculus lean in closer. "I want you to tell me about your encounters with Edward Elric."

Envy's smile disappeared, and then he suddenly burst into laughter.

"You're kidding, right?"

"No, not at all. You see, I'm writing a book about how to tick him off, and I would great appreciate your help."

If Riza was as flabbergasted as Envy was, she didn't show it.

"You're serious!" Envy remarked after regarding Roy for a moment. "Who'd have thought that someone would actually write such a book!"

Roy paused, embarrassed for a moment. "It's...a bit of a hobby.."

After long laughter, Envy slid his hair out of his face.

"Alright. I'll help you. This is going to be one interesting book..."

Just as the discussion began, Edward burst into the office. Riza, reacting to what she believed to be a homunculus attack to retrieve Envy, aimed her gun directly at Edward's forehead. He screamed and ducked for cover.

"What the hell are doing?!"

Riza let her gun down.

"Sorry, Edward."

Edward stood and looked up to see Envy sitting at the Colonel's desk. He stood and pointed an angry, confused finger at Envy.

"What the hell is he doing here?!"

"Aaahhhh, Hagane-no-Chibi! I was hoping to see you, my little pipsqueak!" Envy exclaimed, standing and outstretching his arms as though ready for a hug.

"Quit calling me pipsqueak you freaking palm tree! Mustang, what the hell is a homunculus doing here?! He's the enemy!!" Edward said, backing away defensively from Envy.

"Yes well, right now, he's source for my book," Roy replied plainly.

"You're still going on with that bull?! And you've enlisted the help of him?! What were thinking?!"

"I was thinking about ratings, Fullmetal. It's was every professional writer thinks about."

Even Riza stifled a laugh at this reply.

"Ratings?! Are you serious?" Edward sank against the wall. "I hate you really bad, I hope you know that. Really. From the bottom of my heart. It's all black with hate, specially reserved for you, Mustang."

"What about me, Pipsqueak?" Envy complained. "Don't I get some hate, too?"

"Of course, Envy," Edward said, running towards him. "Right here!"

Edward threw a punch at Envy, only for the homunculus to dodge it, grab his arm and engulf the little alchemist in a hug. With a kiss on the cheek, he spun Edward away from him and began to walk out the door.

"Little brothers are so cute!" Envy said as he exited the office. "Really, Colonel, it's been fun! We must do it again sometime! Just give me a call!"

With that, Envy was gone. Edward, Riza and Roy all stood dumbfounded. Edward was the first to respond to the event that had just occured.

"That thing kissed me!!!" He clapped his hands and transmuted the wrist plate of his automail arm into a blade, aiming it at the spot Envy's lips had touched. "I'll cut it off!"

It took Roy, Riza and two other officers to stop Edward from cutting up his face in disgust.

Some encounters are just plain creepy...


Okay, so here is Lesson 6. I know, I haven't written for this in a very very long time, and to be honest, I wasn't planning to. But when I took at all the reviews and all the requests for more...and the fact that I had my homework for tomorrow finished, I decided to give you all more! I hope you enjoyed it. More may come...eventually. Until next time, Ja ne!

Words of Wisdom: Do not rely soley on your fleet of land piranhas to control a rebellion, because the yogurt chomp is a fearsome thing indeed, and you deathfish do not stand a chance...