Chapter 12: Big Love

Everytime I think about you
I get a lump in my throat
From the big beat in my heart
I am helpless, hungry for attention
I know... you could see me fall apart

"This is a small trailer," Meredith said as Derek handed her a cup of decaf coffee before sitting down at the table across from her.

"Yes, it is," Derek agreed.

"A very small trailer," Meredith repeated as she held the mug with both of hands, feeling the warm through her body.

Derek watcher her as her eyes danced around the room, trying to make something out of their situation. "I think we covered that," he responded with a slight laugh in his throat.

Meredith turned her head to look at the rest of the trailer. Her eyes fell on the bed and she looked at for a few seconds before looking back to Derek, "With one bed."

"With one bed," he mimicked with a nod. Her eyes widened and he chuckled at her, "Don't worry. I'm not making you sleep on the couch."

"I'm not sleeping in your bed," she said decisively as she shook her head.

"Then where exactly where you planning on sleeping tonight?"

She didn't respond at first, deciding to take a sip of coffee as she formulated a response. She swallowed the coffee before letting her eyes meet Derek's again, "Well, I was planning to sleep in a guest room or something. It wasn't like I knew you were brining me to a trailer in the middle of nowhere."

"It is not in the middle of nowhere," Derek defended himself.

"Yeah, it kind of is."

Derek stood up and placed his coffee down on the table. Meredith watched as he looked towards the door for a moment. He looked back at her and offered his hand. She looked at him strangely, but his expression made something inside of her want to comply. After shutting out the part of her that screamed for her to leave, she placed her coffee down on the table next to his. She hesitated for a moment longer before finally placing her slender hand in his larger one.

He pulled her out of her seat and led her outside, holding her hand in his own. He pushed the trailer door open and led her outside, closing the door behind her. Every step that they took, the voices inside of her head because increasingly loud. It was becoming next to impossible to silence them.

He led her off the deck and into the darkness of the land. She hadn't seen this side of Derek before tonight and it made her want to let go of all of her hesitations and fears. It was uplifting. She hadn't felt compelled to just let go in a very long time.

Derek finally stopped and let her take in the sight before her. The only light was the glow from the moon, reflecting off the large lake. It was peaceful, unlike anything she'd ever seen before. She spent most of her life in New York City, she never was able to experience things like this and fully appreciate them for their simplicity.

They could see the whole lake from the elevation that they were at. Everything was glowing in the white light and it brought serenity over Meredith that she hadn't felt in a long time. It relaxed her.

Derek squeezed her hand and she looked up at him, to see his eyes and smile glowing as well. "This… this is why I live in the middle of nowhere."

Meredith smiled at him, in a way she hadn't smiled in a long time. He led her over the edge of the water and he sat down. She hesitated at first, but his eyes were beckoning her. Against her better judgment, she sat down on the cool grass next to him. Without her saying a word to him, he pulled off his thin jacket and placed it around her arms in the cold wind.

She pulled the jacket close to her, unsure of what to make of the night. The fact that it was near two in the morning had left both of them and in that moment, they weren't doctors who had just worked ridiculously long shifts and should be ready to crash. Something was fueling them, giving them the energy to enjoy the moment.

"So, what really made you come to Seattle?" Derek asked, his eyes drifting from the water towards her.

She didn't look at him. Instead, she focused on the sight before her and he could automatically see her comfort slip away from her. "Honestly, I don't know why I chose Seattle," she finally said after a few moments.

"Okay, what made you leave New York?" he asked again.

This time she let herself meet his eyes and frankly, it scared her. It scared her that he was looking at her like that. He wasn't supposed to be looking at her like that. Her brain was yelling at her, but she couldn't listen to her. A part of her was pulling at her, telling her to stay and give him some type of answer.

She tore her eyes away from him again and looked up at the moon, swallowing hard. "I was giving up," she answered quietly.

The intense emotion packed into the small sentence alarmed Derek a little. A silence spread between them and it wasn't comfortable like it had been moments ago. It was awkward and full of unanswered questions and unexplainable emotions.

Instead of pressing her, he stood up. She looked at him, but he just offered her his hand again. He led her back into the house in silence, his heart going out to her. He couldn't figure this girl out, but the evident pain was unbearable.


"It's getting late. Actually, it was getting late about four hours ago. We have to go to work later today, so we should probably get some sleep," Derek said after closing the trailer door behind them.

"Yeah…." Meredith said slowly, still not completely sure about the sleeping arrangements,

Derek grabbed one of the pillows off the bed and a blanket from a small closet. He walked past Meredith and deposited them on the couch. "I'll sleep on the couch and you take the bed."

"Derek, I'm seriously not sleeping in your bed," Meredith stated in protest.

"Are we going to spend the last few hours of the night arguing pointless about our sleeping arrangements, because if we are, tell me so I can make some coffee with caffeine. Lots of caffeine," he said as Meredith's eyes drifted towards the bed, "Come on, Mer. It's not like it's toxic."

"Okay, fine, but I'm seriously going home as soon as I can," Meredith said as she ventured into the bedroom area.

"The light is right by the bed, so just turn it off whenever," Derek said before turning off the light in the living room/kitchen area. He collapsed on the couch and laid the blanket on him, happy to get his much needed sleep. He heard Meredith move around a little before the light was finally turned off and the trailer went silent.

Derek moved around a little on the couch, never before realizing how uncomfortable the thing actually was. He attributed this newfound piece of information to the fact that this was probably the most time he'd ever spent on it in the year he'd been living in the trailer.

He finally settled himself completely flat against the couch, his eyes staring at the ceiling. There was no way he was going to be able to sleep like this. He sighed accidentally, instantly feeling bad. After all, he knew what the living conditions were like in this trailer and he was the one to invite Meredith. He had no right to complain. He basically asked for this bar to be jamming into his back.

He started moving around again, trying to get that stupid bar away from his back. He was beginning to think that the stupid hammock outside would be more comfortable. Except for the fact that it was November and his warmest blanket was currently wrapped around Meredith Grey. So, basically he was stuck.

He continued moving around for a little while longer. He completely turned around so that he was facing the couch. He could only feel the bar a little so he scooted back away from the couch some, putting his back on the edge. He sighed again, but this time it was a different sigh. He could no longer feel that stupid bar.

He closed his eyes and began to drift into sleep, until he slipped off the edge.

"Oww! God damn it," Derek mumbled, trying not to wake up Meredith. He rolled onto his back and stared back at the ceiling, realizing that that was seriously going to hurt so much more in the morning.

"Derek?"

Derek mentally kicked himself the second he heard her quiet voice. He rubbed his face with one of his hands before looking back into the bedroom, barely seeing her silhouette. "Yeah?"

"Did you just fall?"

"Uh… yeah," Derek admitted, not necessarily proud of it. Who knew that a top neurosurgeon couldn't figure out how to sleep on his couch?

He didn't hear anything at first and figured she either didn't care or fell back asleep. He rolled over again and decided that sleeping on the floor was his safest option.

"Derek? Could you come here?"

Had it been just about anyone else in the world, he probably just would have said no or pretend he didn't hear the question, but it was Meredith. He pretty much knew that she really couldn't handle a tired jackass right about now.

He pulled himself off the floor and dropped the blanket back on the pillow. He walked over to the bedroom and stopped in the doorway. Noticing that Meredith didn't seem to have any intention of sitting up, he walked over to the right side of the bed where she was sleeping. He noticed that that was the side of the bed he slept on every night, but he didn't mention anything. After all, it wasn't like she knew that.

He knelt down beside her and saw her open eyes in the moonlight. He looked at her and noticed that she had removed her shirt, leaving her in thin tank top. He figured she was still wearing the sweatpants she'd shown up with at the hospital, but he didn't really know.

Stopping his mind, he fixated his eyes on Meredith's. "Yeah?" he asked.

"This is ridiculous," she stated simply.

"What?" Derek asked, sitting down on the floor instead of kneeling.

"This is your bed. And I'm in it, while you are sleeping on the floor," she said. He looked at her, expecting something more. He really hoped that she hadn't made him get up just so that she could recap the night's events. "Derek, this is a large bed."

"Yes, it is."

"And we're adults," she said before swallowing hard.

"Yes, we are."

"Very smart, and responsible adults."

"Yes," Derek said for the third time, adding a small nod this time.

She sighed and sat up a little, "Derek, you should be able to sleep in your bed. It's really nothing. I mean, we've already established that we're smart and responsible adults. And this is a large bed. We can both sleep in it without anything inappropriate happening."

"Are you sure that you're okay with this?" Derek asked before he stood up.

Her eyes darted around the darkness before she nodded slightly, "Uh… yeah."

"Okay, but only if you are positive," Derek continued as he stood up. She nodded again and watched as he made his way to the other side of the bed.

She let him drift out of her sight as he pulled down the other side's blankets and lay down on the mattress. He got comfortable for a moment before pausing. "Good night, Meredith."

"Night, Derek," she said slowly, almost afraid to look back at his face.

Another silence grew between them, both of them comfortable and warm in the bed. The odd thing was, suddenly neither of them were all that tired. They were both awake, but neither of them knew that the other was. The clock slowly ticked as Meredith watched it's red numbers reach three in the morning.

She finally sighed, "Derek?"

"Hmm?"

"Are you still awake?" she whispered.

"Yeah," Derek whispered back as he pulled his face out from the pillow.

For the millionth time that night, she went against her better judgment and let herself turn around. She placed her head back on her pillow and let her eyes match Derek's, surprised that they were only inches apart. "Have you ever been married?"

"Married?" Derek repeated quietly, "Yes, I was married for nine years back in New York."

"What happened?" she asked quietly as she placed her hands beneath her head.

Derek closed his eyes for a moment and moved so that he was looking up at the ceiling. "She cheated on me. I found out and she left me for him. His name was Matthew. I didn't really know him, but he worked at the same hospital as we did."

"Is that why you moved to Seattle?" Meredith asked carefully.

"No, I stayed in New York for two years," Derek answered. "Then I found out that they were engaged. It was just too much." He turned his head to look at Meredith again, "That's why I moved to Seattle."

"Do you love her?"

Her words were weak sounding and they struck Derek oddly. He hadn't thought about his ex-wife in awhile. He waited a few moments before he came up with a response, "When I came to Seattle, I did. But after being away here for a year, I've changed. I'm not the same person as I used to be," Derek sighed, "I guess I don't love her anymore."

"Okay," Meredith whispered again before turning back around. She looked at the wall as she began to feel extremely self-conscious about lying in a bed with Derek, but she tried her best not to show it. She stayed silent, but she still didn't think she was going to fall asleep.

"Meredith?" Derek said gently.

She swore that no one had said her name that way before, but she refused to dwell on it. She was tired. She had to be imagining things. "Yes?"

"You know, tonight was the only time you've ever really smiled. The only time you've laughed."

Meredith didn't know how she was supposed to respond to that. She actually had been trying to ignore the fact that she felt like smiling around Derek. It was a weird feeling, a feeling she hadn't been expecting or used to feeling.

"Good night, Meredith," he finally said, letting her name roll gently off his lips.

"Good night, Derek," she whispered for the second time that night. It was strange, but now, now she felt like she could sleep.