Chapter 2
"So how do I do normal?
The smile I fake, the permanent wave of
Cue cards and fix it kits.
Can't you tell? I'm not myself.
I'm a slow motion accident
lost in coffee rings and finger prints.
I don't wanna feel anything,
but I do and it. And it all comes back to you."
-Frou Frou
Hear Me Out
Disclaimer: I do not own Beyblade or its characters.
He is, in actual fact, beautiful.
His words are faint and full of flaws.
In truth, he hesitates the lyrics;
It forms, bites and barely reaches sound.
And when he speaks he remains holding breath,
Unsure if the world will do him mercy.
Seconds pass and I count the minutes
When silence stole our conversation,
And the obscurities swallowed the ground.
-CapriciousRogue
I did not expect Yuri to be excited to see me, nor did I expect him to make me a special meal. He warned me beforehand not to enter the kitchen or else I'd starve for the day. I had forgotten what the atmosphere felt like with the two of them around, but I wouldn't have thought it would be as tensed as it was. I forgot how to be normal and every smile felt forced and on cue. Have they noticed? Are they playing dumb? What are they thinking? I felt out of place.
Kai strode into the living room, clicking a remote that automatically brought up soft music. Sound of piano seeped into the room. He went to lay on the couch behind me. I paid no attention and concentrated on how the notes would crescendo, slowly pulling me into a trance through its dynamics. The air felt at ease and it felt like a must to close my eyes and gently sway to the rhythm. My body was not under my control, yet it felt subtle. Had I noticed myself moving the way I was, I would have stopped. But I didn't. The tune suddenly got much quieter, as though it were whispering and then, eventually, it ended. There came a feeling where I felt noticed and I abruptly turned around fully aware that Kai was watching me.
I sensed my ears and face turn warmer, but I hadn't a clue why it bothered me so much to be seen by Kai. It wasn't the first time where I had embarrassed myself publicly. And it never really had bothered me much before, so why now?
Yuri's footsteps made itself heard when arriving in the living room. He wore a stern face.
"Kai! You know those song makes me tired!! Do you want me to set the place up in flames?" Yuri flung his giant spoon this way and that at Kai. I didn't understand why he was getting so upset, and I was angered by the way he yelled at Kai. I tried to show my anger and disapproval towards Yuri with facial expressions, but he somehow thought I was agreeing with him.
"See!?" He pointed at me, "Even Takao's mad! It's the damn music, Kai. If you just had better tastes we'd all be happy people. You can't expect us to live in your perfect world, damnit." With that said Yuri happily left to tend the meal and I watched him from the living floor. Everything, besides the occasional clanging of pots and who knows what else, was left quiet between me and Kai. Things between him and I have drastically changed. It seemed like we had both taken large steps away from each other. All communication was lost and everything linking us somehow got distorted in such a short amount of time. I started to panic and it didn't help that he was staring at me. My eyes jumped from one object to another, hoping I might find something to talk about. My attempt to distract myself was flawed.
I saw Kai coming my direction out of the corner on my eyes. He sat next to me on the ground and remained silent trying to figure out what I was looking at.
"What's going with you?" He spoke coolly.
"Oh, nothing special.." I was unsure of how to answer. His expression, full of anger and confusion, left me to question myself. Was he expecting a different response?
"Why do you do that?" he asked firmly.
"Do what?" I responded hesitantly. He stayed quiet, jaw slightly dropped. I think he was trying to think of the right words to use. This appeared odd to me since Kai always was always straight forward in what to say.
He turned to face me, slowly articulating, "You're a bad liar, Kinomiya-bozu." And I was horrified of the honorifics he'd use. He expected my reaction and seemed unbothered by it. It boggled my mind as to why he had said that and more importantly, what I had to say to that. Were our steps that big?
"..Why?" I muttered dubiously.
"Why do you lie?" he retorted, wearing a smug smile. It was beautiful.
"Wha- no, I mean, why did you call me that?? No wait, why am I a liar now?" I asked, bewildered. What had I done now?
Kai stood up and straightened himself. I got up along with him, following him to the dining room. He would not wait for me and I felt desperate for answers. I grabbed his arm to get his attention.
"Kai." I pleaded. "Why?"
He stood there, his back faced towards me. I had obviously done something wrong and yet I am unaware of the damage. "Maybe," he started. "..Maybe I'm unsure if I know you anymore." He dared not look at me and left towards the kitchen as Yuri ushered him to taste the food.
I must have been blind to not see this coming. Or maybe I just refused to look out of my box.
I went to sit back on the couch. I heard Yuri laughing gaily, questioning Kai on the quality of his food. They seemed to be enjoying themselves and I couldn't help but feel a bit desirous. Although I was told not to enter the kitchen, I decided to sneak a peak. It wasn't like I was actually going into the kitchen, so I didn't feel as though I was doing something forbidden. But what looked me in the face took me by surprise more than anything I could have imagined.
I hadn't noticed the clues where it would end up this way. I was overwhelmed with guilt and frustration. Tormented by jealousy and betrayal. Had I been this dense? So dense that I couldn't even figure out that my two friends were in a relationship? I stood there behind the door, unseen by either, staring at their event. I did not know why I couldn't stop watching and still I couldn't comprehend what was going on. Most likely I was in denial. Every part of me was bruised and I couldn't keep steady. Why hadn't they told me?
I carefully took a step back and went to slump on the couch again. Everything, my entire world, seemed so miserable and out of balance. I should be happy for them. I don't even know what to expect of myself under this condition. How long.. has this relationship been going? It struck me then that this could mean that their affairs could have been more than just a peck on the mouth. This thought disturbed my way of thinking. Would it have made any difference if they told me about them anyway? Even when I thought about, nothing would have changed the fact that I would always be secretly envious of their relationship. This feeling made no sense. It had no sense. Envy does not have any sense. That's why it makes you go crazy for what you want. I didn't want to be that.
Both of them arrived to where I was sitting. I was too embarrassed to look at them. They placed plates, cups and utensils on the coffee table in front of me. The room smelled of the cuisine and I must admit, it looked pretty tasty. But after seeing their event, all appetite was lost.
My fork poked the chicken constantly and I stared at everyone's plate that were nearly done. I nibbled on a piece and ate most of the rice. Some specks fell on the table and got all over me.
"Your table manners are disgusting, Takao," Yuri pointed. I had not taken the time to care or notice. I shrugged it off and continued playing and nibbling my food.
"Does my food taste bad? Oh shit, did I put too much sauce?"
"No Yuri, it's fine. I'm just not really hungry. The chicken is great!" I assured him. It really was, but I tried to sound a bit enthusiastic in case my truth did not satisfy him. He dismissed his concern for the meal and instead started a topic about me. I had the gut feeling this would turn out bad.
"It's been a while since you showed your face around here, Takao," he pouted teasingly. "So tell me, what's new? Any fine dates lately?" He winked letting out a chuckle. I didn't understand what was so funny.
"No, nothing's really going on." I said thoughtfully. I looked at both of them for a quick second, wondering if they were going to tell me about them. I decided to try and turn the table and find out for myself.
"How about you guys? You dating anyone?" I stared at Kai and he caught my eyes. Good. He looked at Yuri unsure of how to answer. This aggravated me to no extent. I had the urge to smack the back of their heads, but I restrained myself.
"Well, actually.." Yuri beamed at me. I immediately perked up, interested in every word he had to tell me.
"I'm dating someone at the moment--
"Do I know the person?" I interrupted innocently. Boy did I catch him off guard.
"..You might." He said still smiling.
"Is she pretty?" I had him now. There was no way he could possibly escape from telling me the truth. I knew already, but I wanted to hear it from him. I wanted him to confirm it. I wanted to be angry at him. At both of them.
"Sure."
..What did he say? Had I not seen them kissing in the kitchen? Was I hallucinating? I saw what I saw. It happened. They were not going to lie to me about this anymore.
"Really?" I spat out dryly. Kai stood up and immediately excused himself. Had he sensed what was coming? Ha! If that's the case then why not let them stand on thin ice for a while?
"Yes, real-
I slammed my hands on the table. I felt stupid already for not knowing what was going on between them. I'm not going to let myself feel any more clueless by playing along with their game.
"U-um, what's wrong Takao?"
"I'm glad you asked, Yuri. What's wrong is that you guys are lying." I felt my temper rise as they looked at each other as though they hadn't a clue what was going on. I've had enough. I stood and walked towards the door preparing to leave.
"I already know!! So it's fine. You don't have to tell me when you go guys decide to have a relationship, but you could at least be honest when I fucking ask you!!"
I dismissed myself, stomping off like a child would. They did not stop me like I thought they would. Why I started crying, I couldn't even explain it myself. So many "Why's." Too many to understand.
Why do I care if their dating? Why am I so angry? Why did they hide it from me? Why did they lie to me? Why can't I be happy? Why did I act the way I did?
..Why?.. Why doesn't he love me? Why wasn't it me?
I love him.. Was it so demanding to realize?
