Chapter 17: Lonely Girl
I can remember the very first time I cried
How I wiped my eyes and buried the pain inside
"Time of death, 8:27," Meredith said before pulling off her gown and snapping off her gloves as she headed into the scrub room.
Derek looked at the rest of the scrub team, as everyone watched the door slam behind Meredith. "Uh, Dr. Stanley, can you take care of this?" The doctor across the room nodded and began to take over, allowing Derek to begin to remove his gown and gloves, his eyes glued to Meredith in the scrub room.
When he walked in, he watched Meredith scrub her arms vigorously. He removed his mask and threw it away before he walked over to the sink and began to wash his own hands, his eyes continuing to watch her hands scrub.
He finished washing his own hands as her skin began to redden and become raw. He hesitated before doing anything, trying desperately to get her to look at him or respond to his presence in some way, but she continued to focus on scrubbing her hands.
"That's enough," Derek finally whispered as he covered her hands with his own. She froze at his touch, but didn't pull away. Her body slouched over as he continued to watch her with eyes of concern. Suddenly, her body lent forward and she began to sob.
All of my memories - good and bad - that's past
Didn't even take the time to realize
"Mer…" Derek whispered as he began to pull her into his arms. Before he did, she pulled away from him and found her way to the scrub room door. Derek quickly followed her out the door and down the hallway, completely ignoring the strange glances people were sending their way.
Staring at the cracks in the walls
Cause I'm waiting for it all to come to an end
Still I curl up right under the bed
Cause its taking over my head all over again
Derek called after her, drawing even more people's attention as she hurried into an on call room. The minute the door closed behind her, he was there and quickly opened it again. He stepped in and searched for the light switch as he shut the door and locked it behind him.
As the light flickered on in the room, Derek saw Meredith sitting on the small bed facing away from him. He stepped closer to her, but stopped when she began to cry hard again. "Meredith, are you okay?" he said as he began to walk closer again.
"Stop!" she ordered, startling him to say the least. Instead of listening to her demand, he continued to walked closer to her, stopping when he was behind her.
Do you even know who you are?
I guess I'm tryin' to find
A borrowed dream or a superstar?
I want to be a star
Is life good to you or is it bad?
I can't tell anymore
Do you even know what you have?
Derek sat down on the bed behind her, careful of every move he made. Her body continued to shake uncontrollably with sobs, bewildering and concerning his mind even more. "Meredith, the surgery wasn't your fault. We did everything we could. You did everything you could. Sometimes, it's out of our hands," he said softly, trying to calm her and not startle her with his words.
Constantly pushing the world I know aside
I don't even feel the pain, I don't even want to try
His words seemed to offer no consolation to her breaking heart and Derek began to feel at a loss. She needed him and he didn't know what to say. He didn't even know why she falling apart. There was no way he could say anything to make this better.
Oh, nothing is ever enough
Ooh, baby, it ain't enough for what it may seem
Every tear broke his heart just a little bit more and he wanted nothing more than to just pull her into his arms and promise her the whole world would be okay.
Sorry girl, tell a tale for me
Cause I'm wondering how you really feel
"Meredith? Please tell me why this is so painful," Derek asked quietly, his breath brushing against the back of her neck, "Please, I hate to see you cry." I'm a lonely girl, I'll tell a tale for you
Cause I'm just trying to make all my dreams come true
Her tears began to slow and her body stilled for a moment in the room full of silence. Derek waited to do anything, completely unsure of her thoughts. She slowly turned around on the bed and faced Derek, "I can't tell you. I want to, but I can't. I just can't." Her voice shook as she spoke, full of vulnerability and fear.
"Mer-"
"No," she said quietly as she shook her head and wiped the tears from her face, "I can't tell you, I can't tell anyone. I can't talk about it with you or anyone else. Okay?"
The pleading look in her eye got to him and he nodded before he could even think twice. She stood up from the bed and as she began to walk to the door. "Meredith?"
She stopped at his voice and turned around.
Without saying anything else, Derek reached out and grabbed her arm. He gently pulled her fearful body closer to him until she was standing inches away from him. "Come here," he whispered as he pulled her down on to the bed.
Do you even know what you have?
No, no
Before she could protest, he laid her next to him on the bed before lying himself down and pulling her close to his body. He could feel her silent sobs against his chest, making him hold her tighter as she let everything she'd held in out.
He didn't ask any more questions, he just held her until she fell asleep. And when she did, he held her a little bit tighter.
Do you even know what you are?
A rising dream or a fallen star?
Is life good to you or is it bad?
This song is lonely girl by pink. I did a little bit of cutting with the lyrics though, so if you know the song, that's why it was a little different!
