Not mine. Well this is but Harry Potter isn't. I always liked Fred Weasley better anyways...


10 GOLDEN RULES FOR QUIDDITCH PLAYERS

1. Please talk about Quidditch at every available opportunity. I can think of nothing at all I would rather discuss, not with you nor with anyone else. And there is nothing quite like Quidditch-talk to liven up a Transfiguration exam.

2. Remind everyone, at least seventeen times a day, that you are on your House Team. Saying outright "I'm on the team" may bore you after a while so you may do it in a slightly more subtle manner. For example, sigh loudly and complain about how you'd much rather be playing Quidditch than be doing what you're doing now (particularly effective when on a date). Alternatively you may comment on tactics, mention your thoughts on the last game or even tell everyone about how your homework reminds you of Quidditch. No one ever tires of this and no one has anything better to do than listen to you prattle on.

3. Walk around with your broom over your shoulder. This makes you look athletic and attractive to potential and existing suitors. Walking around with it when you are indoors is in no way pathetic, and any suggestions that you are 'compensating for something' by carrying the thing around with you are instantly quelled when people see you take it to the dinner table with you after a match and stroke it lovingly.

4. If you have no idea what you're talking about when it comes to Quidditch tactics then this fact will be disguised if you repeat the same phrases over and over again. Nobody notices and everyone thinks you're a genius.

5. Regale us with tales of your broomstick-based conquests. We never tire of that one where you escape a Muggle Hot Air Balloon, and the one where you save a small child from a herd of rampaging Hippogriffs is completely believable despite the obvious inaccuracies. We shall never doubt the sincerity of your stories, and whether you are actually a competent flier or not becomes irrelevant as soon as you mention the words 'eager and alert helicopter pilot that was suspicious of me'.

6. Instantly dismiss the opinion of anyone whose life does not revolve around Quidditch. They clearly have no idea what's important in this world and should be ignored until such times as they go away.

7. When introducing yourself do not give your surname. Instead say your first name followed by your playing position. Thusly: "John, Keeper." "Jack, Beater." "Jane, Chaser."

No one need know anything else about you as nothing else matters.

8. Whether the injury in question was actually a result of a Quidditch game is meaningless. It is beholden on you as a Quidditch player to respond to the question "Ooh, what happened to you?" with a brave smile/grimace, flex your muscles and say "Oh that. Quidditch… you know…" and look heroic. Nobody sees through this. Not even when you blame paper cuts on the dangerous side-effects of the Sport of Warlocks.

9. If the other team beats you, you must call them names. It is generally considered sporting to call them dirty cheats, whether they broke any rules or not doesn't really matter. They beat you and are, therefore, dirty cheats.

10. The referee is the enemy. No questions asked. They are the embodiment of all that is wrong with the world, treat them as such. After all, rules are for losers.