Disclaimer: You know the drill. Not mine. Not yours either unless you're that British chick who has more money than God. Do not release the hounds, the killer bees, the lawyers or the Beach Boys on me. Insert lame, 'evil lawyers' joke here. And yadda, yadda, yawn. God disclaimers are boring…

This story is getting a surprising amount of positive feedback. Not to mention intelligent (and extremely helpful) advice on improving it. So thank you everyone that did respond. Really, I'm quite stunned. Not that you should care about my amazement; I just thought I'd share. Anyway, on with the caustic cynicism.


10 GOLDEN RULES FOR RAVELCAWS

1. Never question the fact that, despite your supposed intellect and academic excellence, some kid with bushy hair and buck teeth in a house full of loudmouthed idiots, is noticeably smarter than all of you. Satisfy yourself with the knowledge that people will always assume you're brilliant even if you're a moron, because you're in Ravenclaw.

2. If female, and unconnected to the Quibbler, you should travel in packs. When part of said pack, always giggle if appropriate. Also giggle when not appropriate. Giggle if there's ever more than one of you there. And sometimes even when there's not. To sum up - Just giggle.

3. Despite your alleged academic astuteness and perceptivity, it behoves you to demonstrate all the foresight and emotional intelligence of a hyperkinetic chinchilla, on absinthe. This extends to many aspects of life, including (but not limited to): Selling out your friends and allies because you're scared your mummy will disapprove. Attempting to become romantically involved with the only witness to your late boyfriend's untimely demise. Stealing things from the weird kid in your house. Going in a year-long huff because your date to the Yule Ball wasn't paying attention to you. Sulking so much after your girlfriend's house beat you at Quidditch that she breaks up with you just to get some peace from your incessant whining.

4. Unlike the students of other houses, you should show no particular affinity with your Head of House. In fact you should treat him with an indifference that is so well practised, it makes the rest of us wonder if Flitwick even is your Head of House.

5. Get along well with the French. Do so for no reason whatsoever.

6. Do your homework on time, and to the best of your ability. Break few rules. Do not talk back to teachers. Disguise any disagreeable aspects of your personality until such times as you are in private. Generally behave as though your grandmother is watching your every move and will die of shock should you be less than saintly. Proceed to come in last, or second last, in the race for the House Cup every, single year because you lack both initiative and character. Remain utterly nonplussed by this.

7. Separate yourself from those in other houses by remaining 'on the fence' when it comes to current political matters. While Gryffindors and Slytherins are generally expected to fall into pre-arranged camps, and Hufflepuffs are forcing themselves to choose their own political camp, Ravenclaws are not. You have no need to make a decision and live with the consequences. You are, however, more than welcome to debate and argue until your heart's content. But don't come to a conclusion. You inhabit the perpetual "Grey Area" and, come hell or high frog spawn, you will not move.

8. You must defend every student's right to sell herself and her friends out to a Government Toad-y. (That was an amphibian-based pun by the way. Toady? Anyone? … oh forget it.) See no wrong in doing so. Only display signs of outrage when the aforementioned course of action comes back to bite you in the rump.

9. Learn to become immune to any and all accusations of being 'aloof' and 'stuck up'. It is an unfortunate side-effect of being brainier than everyone else; they become jealous and spread vicious rumours that your brilliance and wit are actually signs of being a standoffish snob. As a matter of fact, standing around doing an iceberg impression, whilst appearing to be waiting for a vacancy in the Holy Trinity makes you seem approachable and fun-loving.

10. It is not your place to surpass other teams in Quidditch. You may play above average and offer sporting competition to the real Quidditch players without concern. However Slytherin and Gryffindor are the only teams worth taking seriously, And, while Hufflepuff may excel if given the correct captain, Ravenclaw may not. You are too preoccupied with scholastic achievement anyway.