Disclaimer: Blah-blah-blah.
I left the one for Hufflepuff Students on my computer at… well, "work" I suppose. Though "work" implies that I'm actually expected to do something interesting there.
Anyway, this one was written by Snape in response to chapter one. Other teachers helped but, since he's the snarkiest of the lot, he was the one that committed it to paper. The students were quoting it back to the teachers and tittering. They became annoyed. They struck back. Muhahaha.
:Good guesses by the way. Sorting Hat… should've thought of that one. But it's not a member of the trio, nor is it Draco Malfoy. I should point out that I don't actually expect anyone to get it. Because I'm evil like that:
20 GOLDEN RULES FOR HOGWARTS STUDENTS (by the Teachers)
1. Assume that because you are not physically in my class, I have nothing to teach you. Complain loudly, vociferously and incessantly about homework and then fail to hand it in. I have nothing better to do with my life than chase after ungrateful delinquents simply to receive a piece of untidy, illegible, often stained, paper filled with their mindless drivel. I then have nothing better to do with my evenings than sit in a dark, abandoned classroom or office grading the unintelligible rubbish. There is also no possibility that this is being done for your own benefit, it is simply done for my twisted amusement.
2. If it's a particularly tricky or unusual assignment, ignore everything I have to say and just continue with what you were doing. I make this stuff up as I go along anyway and have no idea what I'm talking about.
3. In a school which has an unfortunate tendency to house dangerous man-eating creatures, be set aflame and, on rare occasions, have entire classrooms disappear with one or two students still inside, please assume your lesson is the most important thing going on. Nothing else could be competing for my attention. Certainly, nothing more important than you being forced to sit still and shut up for ten minutes.
4. If I give you homework, do not listen to the instructions given at the time. They could not possibly be helpful to you.
5. Do your best to ignore the subject during class time. I enjoy keeping you snot-nosed ingrates in my room for as long as possible. Watching you light up my life with your self-important whining is what keeps me going through those long, lonely summer months spent with intelligent people who are old enough to go to the bathroom without permission.
6. If you perform to the level you were expected to in the first place, expect never-ending praise. Correctly answering a question which you have already answered seventeen times in class is remarkable and unexpected.
7. If you perform abysmally below the expected levels and discover that other teachers are aware of this, blame me. I did it to spite you. It couldn't possibly be that other teachers were sitting in our cramped, dingy little lounge as I was marking your work and saw your score. Or even, and this excuse is so ridiculous that it hardly warrants mentioning, that there is an overlap in one or more of your subjects. That maybe, perhaps, your teachers knowing your strengths and weaknesses may benefit you… preposterous, I know.
8. Don't worry your empty little head about listening to the actual words coming out of a teacher's mouth. Don't read the textbooks on your own, either. In fact, unless it's written on the blackboard, ignore everything in the classroom except your copy of Quidditch Monthly.
9. Assume that I know the comings and goings of every single colleague. Also assume that when I don't pinpoint their exact location, that it is a personal slight against you.
10. When you receive high marks in one area of the course and are almost failing the rest of the course, do not take it upon yourself to improve your problem area. Act surprised when told that doing so would have improved your grade. When parents/guardians are annoyed with you for your performance, ignore everything they and I have to say. Assume that we're talking rubbish and that the course is meaningless anyway.
11. Feel free to interrupt constantly with your moronic and inaccurate corrections. Act mortally offended when an, otherwise perfectly reasonable, teacher snaps after your eighteenth interruption. Blame them for being arrogant, despite the fact that the past ninety-nine interruptions have been requests to go to the lavatory, or inquiries as to how one spells 'assignment'.
12. On the off chance that you are correct and I am wrong, please feel free to smugly retell the tale to everyone in your year group, house and family. Imply that I am an idiot. Feel secure in the knowledge that you are smarter than me, despite the fact that you had no clue what on Earth I was talking about for the rest of the lesson.
13. Should I find you dangling first years over the Lake, remain nonplussed as to why I wish for you to desist. Sulk for two days, and tell everyone I am a fascist. That is, after all, the only reasonable excuse for me stopping you traumatising your fellow students: To get in the way of your good, clean fun.
14. Become so involved in your own little world that you are immune to mere physical obstacles and barriers. Smash into someone, disrupt my already packed schedule as I am forced to sort out the mess and then whine. When I find your reasons for such carelessness to be pitiful and pathetic, insist that "I was thinking of doing my hair differently", is a matter of gargantuan importance. Become insulted when I disagree. Sulk once more.
15. Should you be caught talking in class, assure me that it was for a good reason. If I don't believe you, cry and blame someone else. This is the mature thing to do. You have gained my respect and admiration for doing it.
16. Come to be with your every "ickle boo boo" and paper cut. Expect me to personally escort you to the Hospital Wing, despite the fact that a second year just blew up my classroom. Become offended and emotional when I don't.
17. You are free to have bad days. You are free to hate all teachers, all students older than you, all students younger than you, or entire Houses. I am not. No matter how extreme my fury may be on any particular day, I must behave kindly, gently and as though there is a halo around my head. While, if any student were to behave in such a manner it would be cause for deification, for teachers it is par for the course.
18. If I erroneously blame you for an indiscretion, when it was in fact the fault of a student who has never formally misbehaved in my class: Assume I'm out to get you. The fact that you make a habit of upsetting the class every, single lesson should in no way skewer my opinion of you.
19. Ask my opinion of every comma you commit to paper. Expect insightful, witty responses every single time. Also expect me to have a particular opinion on your work. No work of yours is ever average. It is all breath-taxingly perfect, or so terrible it makes em want to slit my own jugular. Any apathy on my part is an attempt to confuse and disorientate you.
20. Come to me in a frenzied fit of panic whenever you break a nail. It could be a portent of an impending Armageddon and I should treat it as such. Every, single, time. "The Boy who cried wolf" mentality does not apply to teachers. We assume that every whiny-arse, crybaby is actually the Saviour of the Universe. Always.
