Disclaimer: Not mine. JK Rowling's.
Author's note: Comparitively long. Since I don't think it was really worth splitting it up into different entries, do you?
ADDITIONAL NOTE: By the way, JK Rowling also gets a cookie after her comments on "empty-headed, self-obsessed, emancipated clones". Which cheered me up to no end, and gave me hope that the trend of Slutty, Giggly, Brain-dead, Peroxide, Blondes, In Outfits That Show More Skin Than An Aerial View Of A Male-Pattern-Baldness Conference And Measure Life By Their Outfits is nearing it's end. (Please God, let it be nearing it's end. I'm a brunette, with a proper sized dog and jeans that actually cover my posterior, who hates clothes shopping! And dammit! I'm sick of that being a bad thing!)
GOLDEN RULES FOR EACH HAIR COLOUR
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5 GOLDEN RULES FOR BLONDES
1. No Hogwarts student may possess golden blonde hair unless they are in Hufflepuff. If in Hufflepuff then you will be regarded as a colour coordinator and therefore commended for your foresight. Otherwise, golden blonde hair is strictly verboten. Dirty-Blonde is accepted though not encouraged. Silver- or White-Blonde hair is more than acceptable however, as it allows the rest of us to ponder which of your ancestors copulated with a Veela. In the case of males it also allows those of us with some rudimentary knowledge of Muggle Pop-Culture to compare you to Billy Idol. Let me assure you, this is a lot more entertaining than it sounds. Particularly when photographs of you are charmed to sing White Wedding.
2. If female you must let your hair grow long. Certainly past the shoulders, preferably to your waist. You are blonde and female, as such you clearly have no comprehension of practicality even if you are supposedly intelligent. If male you must either grease your hair back, or let it grow to your shoulders or longer as well. In the case of the later, it is not recommended that you use a bow to tie it back lest you be mistaken for an eight year old girl from behind.
3. Your hair should always be styled and maintained with neurotic attentiveness.
4. Your grasp on reality should be questionable at best.
5. Any romantic involvement with someone who possesses a more dominant hair colour should be discouraged. Blondes should only reproduce with blondes, as this preserves the alien Master race's purity… I mean… er… It preserves the hair colour. Yeah. Right. That's what I mean.
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5 GOLDEN RULES FOR RED-HEADS
1. Freckles are a must. If you are a red-head without freckles, then it behoves you to charm some onto your face. Preferably an 'adorable sprinkling across the nose' as this makes almost everyone in the sighted community go "Aww!" whenever they see you. This will hold true even if you are torturing them to death at the time.
2. a. You must have a "temper to match your hair". This means almost-constant irascibility. You may never be cold and calculating. We don't care what house you're in. However, after your initial outburst you may (should the situation allow for it) plot your revenge.
2. b. If plotting revenge, be devious and brilliant. Nobody likes a narrow-minded red-head so think outside the box.
3. Resign yourself to the fact that somebody, somewhere will, eventually, start referring to you only as "Red". This is neither inventive, nor enjoyable for you however it will happen. There is nothing you can do to avoid this. However when the time comes you are honour-bound to point out how moronic the nickname is at least seventeen times a day to the person that uses it until such times as they stop using it.
4. As a red-head your hair must, as is more-or-less implied, be red. Fire-Engine red, flaming red, even hair that oddly resembles a strawberry is acceptable. However no Hogwarts student, male or female, may have blatantly orange hair. This inevitably leads to carrot-top jokes and this institution does not hold with that sort of thing.
5. For reasons which nobody quite understands, every red-head that enters Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry has the cojones of a Savannah Elephant. Though this does not always translate into bravery, it is safe to say that their effrontery, brashness and, on occasion, outright impudence unquestionably makes certain classes interesting.
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5 GOLDEN RULES FOR PEOPLE WITH BLACK HAIR
1. Your hair can exist in one of two extremes: Effortless elegance, health and manageability, or disastrous. There will be no in betweens, and no exceptions to the rule. The "disastrous" extreme may be attained in a number of ways. Chronic greasiness, perpetual defiance, unnatural immunity to styling products, startling coarseness and countless other hairdressers nightmares, all being big favourites.
2. Your hair must be compared to an infinite number of things. Onyx, jet, ink, soot, sable, coal, raven, midnight and starless-nights being the main offenders, however there is little doubt that more will be invented in the not-too-distant future. No matter how cripplingly mortifying these analogies may be, you must simply grin and bear it.
3. You must be as stubborn as a mule twenty-four hours a day.
4. Your eye-colour must also be note-worthy. People with jet black hair do not have boring eye colours. Watery-blue would never happen. Nor would boring brown. Your eyes must either be conspicuously bright or pre-eminently dark, nearing black. They must also either be large and of a distinctive shape, or small and beady.
5. If female, you must condition your hair until it gleams like a Victorian Widower's lapel button. If male, someone will doubtless try to convince you that growing a goatee/moustache/facial-hair-of-some-kind is a good idea. Should you acquiesce the diabolical genius in question, then rest assured that this goatee/moustache/facial-hair-of-some-kind, in no way makes you look like the spawn of the Devil. Any suggestions that it does are merely in jest. Small children may run screaming from you on the street, girls may pale and politely decline any offer to go out with you and priests may get an oddly business-like look around you, but none of these events are in any way related to your goatee/moustache/facial-hair-of-some-kind.
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10 GOLDEN RULES FOR PEOPLE WITH UNREMARKABLE HAIR-COLOURS (a.k.a. brunettes)
1. Few people will be attracted to you for your hair colour alone, therefore you must be stunningly gorgeous to get any play.
2. If your hair is mousy brown, has absolutely no remarkable characteristics and is not even really worth mentioning, you will die painfully at the hands of an evil overlord or one -more likely- of his minions. You will also be boring. Such is life.
3. Your personality may vary widely as there are no character traits associated with your hair colour. This inevitably means that -since you probably have a decent grasp on reality, are probably not inclined to fly off the handle at the least little thing and will not be a stubborn enough gimp to do anything drastic out of spite- you will be accused of being straight-laced and boring by any friends of your who have one of the aforementioned hair colours.
4. Your magical may also vary widely, but no matter how hard you try you will never be regarded as brilliant. Even if you are.
5. If you have light brown hair and dye it dark brown, no one will notice. If you have dark brown hair and dye it light brown, no one will notice. If you have any kind of brown hair and dye it another colour, people will assume to know your personality based on the colour you choose.
6. Fortuitously, you can disappear into a crowd with relative ease, unless you are wearing something especially eye-catching. However, this is only really relevant if you lean towards the 'interesting' end of the personality spectrum and therefore participate in activities that require you not be spotted.
7. People will invariably assume that you have brown eyes and tan well. If you, in fact, have luminous purple eyes and burn like kindling on a bonfire then it does not matter. You will never be able to convince anyone otherwise anyway.
8. If you are female, brunette, and considered attractive by the opposite sex, try not to take it personally when your significant other still ends up ogling every blonde or red-head that comes near him. It's nothing personal, it's just that red and yellow are the two most noticeable colours to the human eye and so it's inbuilt.
9. If male, brunet, and considered attractive, intelligent, funny, kind and the general embodiment of everything every girl says they look for in a boyfriend and yet still unable to get a girlfriend to save yourself, do not despair. Similarly, if your blond, repulsive, brain-dead, scumbag friend is having to fight off girl's with a stick while you don't even get a second glance, do not blame the female species. It won't take them long come around, and they can't really help themselves so it's not their fault.
10. Take comfort in the fact that your hair colour is the dominant gene and that, in a few more generations, those irritating recessive hair colours will have been bred out of the gene pool completely. You will have world domination. Insert malevolent cackle here.
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SINGLE GOLDEN RULE FOR PEOPLE WITH WHITE HAIR
1. You are the epitome of all that is great, glorious and good in the world. If in doubt, see Gandalf the grey versus. Gandalf the White. That should spell it out for you.
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5 GOLDEN RULES FOR PEOPLE WITH GREY HAIR
1. Scaring young children is fun, easy and effortless since all children fear old people. Whether you are actually old or just greying prematurely is not important. Terrify them frequently and with varying degrees of intensity. Do so for no apparent reason.
2. All grey hair can be easily attributed to your children. If you have no children it can be attributed to you irresponsible siblings. If you have no irresponsible siblings it can be attributed to your job. No grey hair is ever your fault or merely a side-effect of age. Someone out there is accountable for each and every one on your head.
3. Grey hair must be scraped back into a bun or allowed to flow freely in a grizzly mess around your head. There can be no grey areas. (Get it? -snigger-)
4. The simple fact that you have grey hair means that people will assume you have harrowing tales to tell about your life. It doesn't matter if you spent your entire existence knitting, you'd damn well better have some good stories to tell. Failure to comply will result in your public flagellation.
5. Thirty year olds with grey hair do not have the aforementioned hair colour due to genetics or a lack of melanin. They must harbour some deep, dark secret which is constantly pressing on their minds. It is recommended that you try to discover this secret as soon as you come across such an individual, as it will save you both a lot of trouble in the long run.
