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… You figure it out.


20 GOLDEN RULES FOR FIRST YEARS

1. Always assume that, because we are older than you and have been here longer than you, we know how to direct you from one end of the castle to the other clearly, succinctly and with complete accuracy. This holds true even if you are asking Ravenclaws to navigate the dungeons and even if you are asking Slytherins how to get to Gryffindor tower. We will automatically know. Anyone who claims not to, is lying. Anyone who gets an instruction or two wrong is doing so maliciously and with intent to wound.

2. Insignificant minutiae, such as the password to your common room and the fact that locked doors are generally locked for a reason, are only of importance after you have been attending Hogwarts for at least six months. Prior to the six month mark, you may forget as many passwords as you like and spend as much time as you see fit yanking on doors that, quite clearly, do not wish to be opened. The rest of us don't mind.

3. Should you come in contact with an older student, a teacher, a ghost, a caretaker or -indeed- a caretaker's evil cat: Tremble. Whimpering is also acceptable though frowned upon after the first two months.

4. You levitated something (whoop-dee-doo), and are therefore the greatest Wizard/Witch of our times. The whole wide world should acknowledge this fact.

5. On your first night here, two fifth-year Prefects showed you to your common room and told you about Hogwarts. Chances are, they told you that if you had a problem or a question about the school then you shouldn't hesitate to ask them. They may have even made a slothful attempt or two to convince you that they were your friends. Let us be clear: You will never be permitted to speak with these people again. Ever.

6. You may occasionally see signs on Mr Filch's door prohibiting a number of enjoyable, but occasionally dangerous, activities. For example the most recent "Do not dare Peeves to do ANYTHING to the Teacher's lounge or YOU will be punished for it" notice. Do not heed these signs for they are merely meant as jokes. A quaint example of Hogwarts humour.

7. Just because your old Headmaster/Headmistress/Personal-Tutor/Mum says that you're the smartest ickle Witch or Wizard ever to attend Hogwarts, does not mean that you actually are. But by all means, continue to act as though it does. When we, the upperclassmen, are feeling particularly vindictive you are effectively narrowing our target from "All First Years" to "That Smug Little Git Who Thinks He's Kind Of The Universe". So you go right ahead.

8. No one could possibly understand how tough your workload is. Not OWL students, and certainly not NEWTS students. They don't have any idea how much harder Hogwarts is than Primary school. The fact that they too were once First Years and are assuring you that things will only get worse, is neither here nor there.

9. Homesickness is for the weak.

10. All older students are only there to ruin you. Despite their repeated assurances that they regard you with an indifference, bordering on aversion, they are plotting against you. (Remember this next time you ask for directions, you hapless little ingrates.)

11. Back in your old school you were top of the food chain. The other children were all scared of you and you were the smartest, most responsible, most well-respected year group there was… This is no longer the case. Get used to it.

12. When you see older students (mostly Fifth, Sixth and Seventh years) rushing to get to their next class or trying to get back to their dormitory to grab a piece of homework due in three minutes time, it is your obligation to trip over and land right in front of them. Preferably injuring yourself and emptying the contents of your bag across the largest surface area possible while you do so. This not only has the dual benefit of startling and delaying your target, but also ensures that they feel honour-bound to escort you to the Hospital Wing and collect your belongings for you.

13. If an upperclassman spots you crying you may indiscriminately use the line "I bet you would've cried too if this happened to you when you were my age!" The response of the upperclassman to your weeping is not important, you must still use this line. It doesn't matter what this is in reference to, you will inevitably be right and the upperclassman will feel like scum for the rest of the day. Possibly the rest of the week, if you were small, cute and female. Possibly the rest of the year if you were small, cute, female and you have no friends.

14. Running around, giggling, screaming, screeching, yelling, swearing, throwing things, catching things, failing to catch things, tripping over, knocking things over, playing games or showing any undue levels of hyperactivity in the common room during exam time can, and will, result in your excruciatingly painful death. If you are not bright enough to grasp this concept, you deserve everything that's coming to you.

15. Talking back to a sixth or seventh year student (particularly a male sixth or seventh year student) is rather like driving a faulty motorcycle across the roof of the North Tower: Everyone will be awed and respectful if you manage to live through it, and even more so if you do it with some finesse. But the chances are you will crash and burn, and that everyone will point and laugh when you do.

16. It doesn't matter which class you are in, what year you are in, or, indeed, which century you attended school in: The answer to question Forty Seven on the end of year History of Magic test is "247 AD". You may as well know this now as everyone else does.

17. You must have ridiculous hair. If you are taller than your peers then it is how we distinguish you from second years.

18. On the train to school, you may fraternize with anyone you want. In school however, you may not associate with anyone outside your House for the first two years. Unless you are related to them. This is just the way of things.

19. Getting on the teacher's good side early guarantees you smooth sailing for the next seven years. Similarly, if you spectacularly screw-up your first lesson in any subject, then that teacher will continue to think of you as inept and brainless for the rest of your life. It doesn't matter whether you mess up again or not, nor does it matter if you go on to become top of the class. Just resign yourself to this fact now and get it out of the way.

20. If you somehow achieve the impossible, an upperclassman ally, then please use every opportunity you come across to share with them unending twaddle about the unfairness of life. First Years aren't meant to have older friends anyway and by doing this you are ensuring that you most certainly DO NOT have one. Or, at least, you won't by the end of the conversation.