See this is totally my fault this wasn't posted earlier: I um… well I decided to Google this idea to see if I was blatantly plagiarizing anyone without my knowledge. (Good news, I don't think I am.) Anyway I ended up on and became addicted to reading JKR interviews and playing Harry Potter hangman (yes, I am that pathetic). But anyway. Lookie. Update.
GOLDEN RULES FOR THE INORDINATELY TALENTED
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10 GOLDEN RULES FOR LEGILIMENS/OCCLUMENS
1. Eyes must be 'penetrating' at all times. Or at least referred to as such by those who are trying to flatter you. What this term really means is: "Eyes must make everyone you look at, feel oddly as though they should just cut their losses, pitch a tent and charge admission."
2. Despite your position as one of the most brilliant and talented Legilimens in the world today, you will still be completely unable to figure out that your fellow teacher is Voldemort. Revelations of that particular nature are far beyond your comprehension and should, instead, be left to eleven year olds who are clearly more capable.
3. Despite the fact that the actual word "Legilimens" comes from the Latin roots "Legens - A Reader" and "Mens - Mind", you must denounce anyone who calls it Mind-reading as an asinine half-wit who doesn't know what they're talking about.
4. Even though you can peruse people's innermost thoughts and feelings, like most do the morning papers, you should remain completely unable to spot when someone is lying about why they haven't done their homework.
5. If you have spent the many years required to become a skilled Occlumens and have attained levels of self-restraint and control that most of us could only dream of… don't both figuring out how to act inconspicuous. Don't learn how to lie without stuttering and don't behave like a regular person. You, as a skilled Occlumens, should be easily distinguished as such in a crowd. It's a little known side-effect.
6. If you are a complete novice at Legilimency and Occlumency then you may rest assured that lying through your teeth to an expert in the field is relatively straight-forward. Try not to think the phrase "I'm lying!" and attempt to avoid eye-contact. Sing an annoying song in your head, such as "The Sun Has Got His Hat On", "This is the Song That Never Ends", Popcorn, or the theme tune to the Great Escape. The invading force in your mind will become so infuriated that they leave your mind immediately. Not applicable if you've got a lightning-shaped Homing beacon, smack in the middle of your forehead. Then you're on your own.
7. While it would be considered unseemly to jump up and down saying "I KNOW SOMETHING YOU DON'T KNOW!" all day and every day, you may still imply it whenever you see fit. You may also look maddeningly superior at all times.
8. When teaching Legilimency/Occlumency to the next generation it is generally advisable not to sit around thinking about all the truly humiliating things that you 'hope you don't reveal to them' beforehand.
9. If, however, you just can't seem to help yourself from dwelling on your most embarrassing memories, you may empty the recollections of your choice into a rare, magical object borrowed from your boss. You may then leave this magical object in plain sight, where any idiot could talk a look see.
10. Despite the fact that Veritaserum distribution is controlled by strict Ministry Guidelines because it is so revealing and mortifying for the user, Legilimency may be used indiscriminately without causing you, the Legilimens, any moral dilemmas whatsoever.
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5 GOLDEN RULES FOR METAMORPHAGUS
1. If trapped in cabin with strangers who do not know about your special ability and who do not have immediate access to some other form of entertainment, do not reveal your Metamophagus status. You will become the main source of entertainment. If you are not in the mood, it doesn't matter. If you are grievously injured, it doesn't matter. You will be forced to gratify their every convoluted desire like some sycophantic performing dog. Much better for you to keep your mouth shut. (And preferably in human form.)
2. For reasons that no one is entirely clear on, you will have trouble transforming when experiencing extreme emotional stress. You should, therefore, have knowledge a back up charm or two to alter your appearance should your career depend upon your abilities. At the very least, have a wig and a fake moustache in your back pocket at all times. Extreme emotional stress tends to sneak up on a person. If this were not the case, one would assume you would be able to avoid the emotional stress altogether. So be prepared.
3. Should your Metamorphagus status be well-known (which it probably will be since none of your lot seem intelligent enough to keep it secret), then be very careful when dating. If you are male and your girlfriend asks you to look like Johnny Depp, run! If you are female and your boyfriend asks you to look like any Star Trek character, run! If you are of either gender and your partner asks you to look like a non-human-entity, RUN! These are not healthy relationships and you'll be better off alone.
4. We all know you can change your hair colour at will. Stop showing off.
5. If you can't hold a regular conversation for more than ten minutes without mentioning the fact that you are a Metamorphagus, then you are not interesting enough to be allowed out. Throw yourself off the Astronomy tower immediately.
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5 GOLDEN RULES FOR PARSELMOUTHS
1. Since your talent usually manifests itself with or without your consent (and since you'll be an occupant of the Planet Earth and therefore governed by Murphy's Law) you will likely find yourself throws of a sibilant fit at the most inopportune times, such as in public or when saving an ungrateful little gimp from an evil snake. There is nothing you can do to stop this.
2. Conversely, if you start talking Snake in the middle of a date, you have no one but yourself to blame.
3. People will assume you're evil. You see Slytherin was a Parselmouth, and since he has gotten some rather bad press for the past seventy-odd years this will reflect on you. No one cares about any great, glorious, good deeds you have done. You can hiss and spit with snakes and are therefore the spawn of Satan.
4. While we can make the general assumption that grass-snakes will not be fantastic confabulators, they will be far superior conversationalists to any Witch Weekly readers. You have been warned.
5. Should you find yourself face-to-face with a terrifying, gargantuan beast who just so happens to be (you guessed it) a giant snake, you will be oddly able to order it around. Forget the fact that there isn't a single English-speaking human being on the face of the Earth you could just walk up to and say "Do this, do that, stop doing that, and do this like this!" and expect them to do it just because they understand what you're saying; the mere fact that you have legs is apparently enough for a snake to abandon any and all plans of it's own and do what you say. Despite being widely regarded as the wisest of all creatures, serpents are apparently easily indoctrinated merely by the sight of feet. Do not question this.
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10 GOLDEN RULES FOR SEERS
1. You are rather like Legilimens in the sense that you are required, by law, to have an infuriatingly condescending, superior air about you at all times.
2. You may also rest assured that we all believe you are "All-knowing", even when you somehow wind up in a state of shock when a Toad-looking woman with a pink bow tells you to hop it.
3. You may not look like a regular human being. You must glitter, jangle and shimmer or else no one will believe that you are somehow connected to another realm. Because of course, gleaming like a magpie's nest and ringing like a bell whenever you walk down the corridor is a sure sign of insight.
4. Even though your lot has been drivelling on about impending doom since the dawn of time, and even though we're all still here and relatively cheerful (all things considered), you must make a point of vocalizing your unending pessimism. Do so every, bloody, day. No one will tire of it.
5. Even though the only that listen to you are thirteen year old girls, you must constantly refer to what you do as a "Science". Even though it's not. Because science can be measured and disproved. Nothing you say could ever possibly be disproved. Know why?
6. You must insist upon being incurably vague. Even a simple "Yes or no" answer is too much to ask from you. It's all 'if this, this, this and this happens then we'll all be doomed'. "Would you like sugar in your tea?"
"Ah well, if Venus is rising while Jupiter's third moon is looking a bit purple-y and there are eighteen marigolds in bloom on Tuscany's highest balcony then no, otherwise yes."
7. Feel free to see things that nobody else is capable of seeing in teacups. No one can see through you. Honest.
8. If you happen to be in possession of six limbs and a tail, start speaking about profound garbage which no one else could possibly comprehend unless they lived inside your head. Perhaps not even then. This will make girls who aren't busy swan diving off Quidditch stands to get a better look at Harry Potter, go on and on about how 'like, totally deep and thoughtful' you are. Pretend not to notice this.
9. If you ever decide to leave your classroom, then feel free to swan around predicting everyone's doom at your leisure.
10. Expect to be given credit for your most recent, most accurate and most repeated prediction: Harry Potter is in grave danger! Congratulations. -slow clapping- (The rest of us had never guessed.)
