Lookit. Got another one up before I left. Yay me. Oh and this one brings me to the round number of three-hundred rules (so far). Yay me again.
For Miss, Mrs or Mr Wuff. (What this really means is that I liked the idea and blatantly plagiarised it. Oh and the first idea for muggle-lovers wasn't mine, it was Miss, Mrs or Mr Wuff's.)
12 GOLDEN RULES FOR MUGGLE-LOVERS
1. Despite Electricity quite possibly being the single most important thing in the Modern Muggle World and despite the fact that you are a self-professed "Expert", you should remain completely and totally unable to pronounce the word even after years of study. You should see nothing wrong with this.
2. Rather than gaining a basic understanding of day-to-day Muggle life and technology, you should collect plugs. Whilst leaving you totally incapable of interacting with Muggles on any normal level, this will greatly increase your knowledge of the completely useless.
3. Even though you claim to be a Muggle Lover and would, one presumes, like to educate your children to be the same, you should ensure that neither you or any of your children have contact with one of your relatives because he is an accountant. This disregard of your own flesh and blood in the name of magic -or lack thereof- promotes harmony and understanding between the two cultures.
4. Muggles would be horrified and panic-stricken by a regurgitating toilet, should they come across one. On the flip side of the coin, a flying car wouldn't so much as put a hitch in their stride.
5. Become sanctimonious should you come across a fellow witch or wizard who does not share your enthusiasm for non-magical folk. Feel secure in the knowledge that you are more politically correct.
6. That said, when you come across a Muggle you should not treat them as your equal. You should treat them like a zoo-exhibit and question them on each and every detail of their daily lives. When they ask questions back, you should candidly inform them that the International Code of Wizarding Secrecy forbids it. Be surprised if they get at all upset with this explanation after four hours of answering your questions to the best of their ability.
7. Even though you would have to understand foreign money should you ever travel abroad, and even though you will probably do this with ease at least once in your lifetime, you should remain completely unable to handle muggle money. The fact that the explanation for their value is printed right there on the coin or note, is entirely irrelevant. Once again, you are an "Expert" on Muggle society.
8. Should you live just outside a Muggle village, never enter it no matter how easy it would be to embrace your hobby there.
9. Similarly, if you have an ungodly amount of children, you should still home-educate them rather than sending them to the Muggle school in aforementioned village. Any suggestion that this course of action would give your children a better understanding of muggle life, or that it would ease the pressure on the mother of your children is entirely unfounded.
10. Complain daily, weekly, annually, about the bigotry and prejudice displayed in Wizarding culture against Muggles and inform us all about how much more kind and understanding Muggles are. Little things like WW2, Apartheid, slavery, the KKK, Anti-Semitism, Misogyny, etc; should be cheerfully ignored.
11. Despite the fact that Muggles invented the internal combustion engine and all we did was add a few 'extras' to this machine, you should delight in how "Adorably primitive" Muggle culture is. This delight should translate into telling anyone and everyone you come across, all about the Fascinating little titbits of knowledge you've accumulated over the years. Whether they want to hear it or not.
12. Having said that, go fascinate someone else.
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12 GOLDEN RULES FOR MUGGLE-HATERS
1. Should you come across a Muggle-Lover (outlined above), scoff disdainfully. Do so upon the initial meeting and whenever "Muggle-Loving" behaviour arises.
2. Flat out deny any possibility that an AK-47 could kill you, even though it quite clearly could.
3. Also deny Muggle ingenuity. After all, the mere ability to live without magic does not make them more inventive than you, even if you would be completely and totally unable to do so yourself. Similarly, the fact that your entire world is completely dependant upon a small wooden stick, should in no way prevent you from scoffing over Muggle's and their dependency upon machinery.
4. Constantly remind everyone that you'll live longer than Muggles. This automatically proves your superiority. Which is of course why the Giant Turtle is the dominant species on Earth… right. Yeah.
5. Comment about how Muggles don't even have a reliable method of predicting the future. The fact that we don't either is neither here nor there. The fact that the few genuine prophecies we do have, all cause more harm than good is also irrelevant.
6. Try to teach your children to think like you. In fact try to teach everyone you come across to think like you. Do so with long, in-depth lectures on your natural superiority and Muggle idiocy. These lectures may take up to eighteen hours at a time, so you may wish to bring water. Should your target convert interrupt you with such petty trivialities as logic, curse them. Badly.
7. The fact that your magical upbringing has left you utterly unaware of such simple concepts as "gravity", and that while you learned Latin at the age of seven you still can't do long multiplication at forty, shouldn't stop you from thinking Muggles are the foolish ones. You should share your feelings on their obtuseness whenever the window of opportunity presents itself.
8. Complain that Muggles can only cook by hand. Then refuse to eat any conjured food and only eat that which has been prepared by House Elves in the Muggle way. Complain that conjured food is lacking 'love'.
9. Refuse to see how this casts any negative light on you, your spell work, your lifestyle or magic as a whole. Also neglect to question whether an enslaved species is really making your food with 'love' or rather making it with 'hate'. After all, Fine Line and all that.
10. Compare muggles to cockroaches in New York. Even if your British and have never been to New York, everyone gets the reference. Thanks largely to Muggle media, but lets not dwell on that particular aspect of your argument, shall we?
11. Repeatedly wave the Daily Prophet around and talk about how "Muggles are messing up our society with their mechanical rubbish!" Fail to see the irony in doing so while holding a publication made with a printing press.
12. Stubbornly insist upon making Muggle-Hunting legal. Some day, in the not-too-distant future, your ridiculous little opinion will be noted.
