Hi Honey! I'm home! Did you all miss me?


Well…?

-cricket chirps in distance-

Hmmf. Well fine. But I missed you. (And how disturbing is that, I ask you?)


50 GOLDEN RULES FOR 'DAILY NECESSITIES'

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10 GOLDEN RULES FOR RESTROOM USERS

1. When visiting a bathroom, do not look in the mirrors. Restroom mirrors have a fiendishly deleterious subterfuge, whereby any person looking into it's grubby depths will see the least flattering image of oneself since The Portrait of Dorian Gray. It doesn't matter if you were the single most lusted-after individual on the face of the Earth, you will not escape the Curse of the Restroom Mirror without a serious knock to your ego. This will result in you slinking out of there feeling like Quasimodo and attempting to disappear into walls. So don't look.

2. When using a restroom which is not solely frequented by Prefects (or the charming and sophisticated individuals who have managed to con Prefects into giving them the password), you may not make eye contact with anyone. This rule, of course, does not apply to girls who are only in the bathroom to gossip in the first place.

3. Should the ghost of a whiny bint who was killed by a Basilisk fifty-odd years ago, happen to pop up while you are actively er… 'making use of the facilities', she will stare at you. She will do so more-or-less In Perpetuum. There is nothing you can do to stop this. If you are male and have offended her in the past, she will occasionally lean over your shoulder and make remarks. No amount of help from your House Ghost will stop her. Get over it.

4. While most restrooms in this school have towels to dry your hands on, those located in the dungeons do not. The reasoning behind this is simple: The dungeons are damp and the House Elves got sick of trying to cover up the 'Wet Towel Smell'. Instead, the dungeon bathrooms have 'Magi-dryers'. These diabolical torture devices are the main reason that Dungeon Dwellers travel above ground to use the conveniences. This is because Magi-dryers are about as effective at drying your hands as a 'Keep off the Grass' sign is at deterring barbarian hoards.

5. If male and in desperate need to relieve thyself, you should attempt to secure a private cubicle. This will never work however, and you will be reduced to participating in the joyous, illuminative, spirit-boosting act of Communal Urination.

6. Just so you know, no matter where or when you engage in the activity outlined in number five, you will be stuck standing next to a large, intimidating Quidditch-player with no neck and a personal grudge against you that stems back to the cradle.

7. Despite the fact that toilet paper supplies are (allegedly) charmed to restock themselves, you will never be able to find any. You are more likely to find a solid gold Dreidel your average bathroom cubicle than you are toilet paper. The canny student will take this as a sign to go to the library lickety-split and learn how to conjure some up. However, since canny students are even less common than toilet paper, you'll probably just end up waiting in there until three AM and shuffling awkwardly from stall to stall with the fervent hope that no one will enter the room. Which of course they will. Which is your own bloody fault because you were an idiot. But I digress.

8. Peeves has, through some method known only to himself, found a way of contaminating the plumbing with certain… less-than-desirable agents. It is recommended that you do not mention this outside of that room as you will only encourage him. Since we don't think he can actually read, the author of this list feels safe in publishing this piece of advice here.

9. If female, you must attend the lavatory in pairs. No one's quite clear on the reasons why you are incapable of going to the bathroom without a support group, but we trust your judgement.

10. It is suggested that you learn a locking charm or two, as there isn't a single cubicle lock in this entire school that is still in working order. Then again it's also been suggested that you learn how to conjure toilet paper, and just look at how much attention you all paid to that.

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10 GOLDEN RULES FOR BREAKFAST

1. As a resident of Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry you will be offered a truly gob-smacking array of breakfast foods. (Curiously enough, cereal doesn't seem to be there on a daily basis but it is available on request.) However fully cooked meals will be provided in a dazzling variety of options. Vegetarians, however, will be resigned to eating porridge or toast. The rest of us would appreciate it if they would complain QUIETLY about this fact.

2. On a normal day, nothing of extreme interest will happen at breakfast. On an unusual day, when something of interest does happen, it will almost certainly happen at the Gryffindor table. Draco Malfoy may or may not be involved, but if he is then the Interesting Thing in question will shortly be followed by a 'group huddle' at the Slytherin table. Whether this huddle is followed by little pats on the behind is not yet known, although if certain other bathroom wall limericks are anything to go by… well you can fill in the blanks yourself there.

3. Should your Head of House appear at your breakfast table without timetables in their hands, then something terrible has just happened. Or, alternatively, they're about to give you the deep, dark secret of one of their colleagues. Either way, pay attention. If nothing else, it might get you out of History of Magic.

4. If there's a Quidditch match that day, you are not permitted to discuss anything except said Quidditch match and it's effect on the rest of the season at breakfast. If you do, it has to be of life or death importance lest you be turned on and devoured by your House Mates.

5. If you don't get any interesting mail, you should take out a subscription to the Daily Prophet and any other publications you see fit. People will flock to you and discuss them with you.

6. If you have taken out a subscription to the Daily Prophet or any other publications for your own personal enjoyment rather than because your morning post was boring, be warned: People will flock to you and discuss them with you, whether you want them to or not.

7. On your first day of term you will be handed your timetable, by your Head of House at the breakfast table. It is generally recommended that, on this morning, you eat your favourite breakfast and savour it to the best of your ability. Now classes have started, things are only going to go downhill. And the fact is that, through some twisting of the time-space-continuum, everyone will have History of Magic and a double period of their least favourite subject on that day. If we also have a grossly sub-par Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher this year, you'll probably be subjected to that too.

8. Howlers will inevitably arrive on mornings where you are operating on nothing more than two hours of sleep and a few bad cups of coffee. They will arrive for the person sitting immediately next to you and they will be sounded out in the most shrill, irritating, nerve-grating voice imaginable. During such instances (which will occur with more frequency, the closer to exams you get), it is recommended that you grab two hot-cross buns and slam one over each ear in an attempt to block out the sound. If female, it also allows for comparisons to certain Star Wars Characters for about a week, but it's a fair price to pay to keep your skull intact.

9. If you find yourself in the throws of emotional turmoil, and you're not the type of person to wail about it on a normal day, then you will communicate your state of discomposure by either flat out refusing to eat your breakfast or just picking at your food. Should your friends be especially dense you will be forced to do this for several days in a row. If you could stand to lose a few pounds, this is a good thing. Otherwise, you may want to bring some snacks and eat them in the corridors when no one is looking.

10. There will be pancakes available for breakfast every single day of the year. Except Shrove Tuesday, and any day you wake up with a craving for them.

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10 GOLDEN RULES FOR OTHER MEALS

1. Water is not provided. Pumpkin Juice is. Do not question this.

2. We, as British Students, eat British food. British cuisine is not widely known for it's rice, pasta, fresh fruit and salad and so, should you begin to crave any of these things, tough. The only way you're going to get them is if you start threatening the kitchen staff and that is generally frowned upon.

3. When the delegates from Beauxbatons and Durmstrang complain about this, throw carrots at them. Just because they like eating food that doesn't weigh more than a loaded cargo ship, doesn't mean that they can cast aspersions on our Ground-Up-Animal-Organ Pastries.

4. High Cholesterol, Diabetes, Vitamin Deficiency, etc, etc, are perils known only to muggles and their ilk. You, as a witch or wizard, may eat whatever you please and not worry about the consequences. This is also the reason there are so few obese wizards and also why Hogwarts students are spared the torture of 'Atkins' Approved Menus' and 'Calorie Counters' which plague the Muggle World like locusts. Be thankful.

5. If a teacher, any teacher, if absent from their table during mealtimes then you may take it as an omen.

6. If you are forced to sit next to a ghost at dinner, it's polite not to stare. It is also polite not to question them on their death, their life or any aspect of their Solid-Selves. Then again, it's polite not to talk with your mouth full and yet that's a common enough sight, isn't it?

7. You, as a student, are not permitted to approach the Teacher's Table for any reason during meals unless failure to do so would result in loss of your, or someone else's, life. Loss of limbs does not count as an Approach-worthy cause. You see mealtimes is when the teachers "discuss" (read: Point and Laugh at) Students.

8. Having Pizza, Chinese take-out, Sushi, Indian food, donuts or Fresh-baked subs delivered to the Great Hall is unacceptable behaviour. If you want any of these things, put a request into the House Elves. And no, we don't care if Ming's DOES make a better Chicken Chow Mien.

9. In certain emergency situations you and your Classmates will be forced to sleep on the floor of the Great Hall in large purple sleeping bags. The fact that this may occur before the Great Hall has been cleaned is a good enough reason not to throw food on the floor for kicks and giggles. The fact that someone who gets caught sleeping next to your left-over Steak and Kidney Pie is well within their rights to hunt you down and kill you is simply the icing on the cake. The fact that even toddlers are mature enough to see the fact that throwing food on the floor is completely and utterly pointless, is neither here nor there.

10. Please feel perfectly comfortable sharing your stories about bodily functions or particularly gruesome trips to the Hospital Wing while sitting eating dinner. No one minds, really.

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5 GOLDEN RULES ABOUT CLOTHING

1. Certain vicious rumours have been circling around the school that ties should be worn around the neck and tied in the standard manner. I am here to disavow you of these rumours. Ties may be worn in any of the following ways: Around your arm, around your waist, as a bow tie (tricky if you don't know the correct tying method), in your hair, as a bracelet, as a scarf, or - -if feeling especially daring and female- - in the place of your school shirt. These ridiculous methods of 'rebelling' are in no way mock-worthy. Failure to wear a tie in some way will result in detention. You have been warned.

2. If your post-pubescent, female and neglect to leave at least the top three buttons of your shirt undone you will be treated as a prude. For the first three years this will result in you be ostracised. After that, when all the males have gotten sick of ogling the easy chicks, this will result in a veritable tidal wave of guys trying to 'loosen you up' and make you 'relax'. If you want to be loosened up, then fine. If you don't, learn some basic self-defence and one or two seriously unpleasant curses. Teenage boys do not honestly believe a girl when they say they aren't interested in dating them, nor do they honestly believe that a girl who buttons her shirt all the way is doing so of their own free will. The phrase "Playing Hard to Get" will become more or less standard for you.

3. Do not wear a multitude of bracelets, bangles, or whatever the hell those jangling anathema are called. They are hideous and infuriating and they make you look like a moron. Same goes for comically oversized earrings. Outside of school, or at least outside of class, you may wear them. But inside the classroom they make the rest of the world's blood boil and are akin to having a large Bull's Eye on your forehead. Leave the damned things at home.

4. While it is generally accepted that footwear is basically the only arena in which one may show their personality while wearing a school uniform, it has recently been announced that if one more idiot comes in wearing Pink Go-Go Boots or football trainers then Filch gets to torture them. Personally, I see the logic.

5. Anyone who insists upon dying their hair funny colours (Green, Pink, Blue, etc) will suffer the consequences without complaint. You may not dye your hair blue and then act surprised when you receive Marge Simpson jokes.

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5 GOLDEN RULES ABOUT PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. There's really no polite way to say this, however it has to be said: BATHE! Take a damned shower! Even a quick cleansing charm, something. You have free access to superior indoor plumbing and an immeasurable panoply of soap, shower gels, shampoos, and so forth. You have absolutely no excuse not to be clean. So when you wake up in the morning, go to the bathroom and take a shower. Use whichever cleansing substance appeases your palate the most and scrub yourself down with it. Continue doing so for about half an hour, rinse, dry yourself and then go about your business. There is absolutely no excuse. If the Weasleys can afford to smell fresh as a daisy, then so can you. Do it, or perish.

2. When you have removed the filth of this world from your person and scoured away any trace of foul-smelling excretions, you are entitled to apply whatever fragrance you deem fit to your body. You are not entitled to marinate in it. No one likes being subjected to your perfume or aftershave or whatever from a distance of 100 yards. Have some consideration.

3. Brush your teeth. Twice daily. Do so thoroughly. Failure to comply is unacceptable. If feeling especially dedicated, do so more than twice daily and floss too.

4. Upon completion of any bathroom visit or any participation in Care of Magical Creatures, Potions, Herbology, or occasionally every other class, wash your hands. With soap. And possibly a scrubbing brush. Make-up, hair products, skin care, potions ingredients, mud, dirt, your pets faecal matter… all of this ends up in contact with your hands. Get rid of it.

5. Wear clean clothes. Clean. In order to get clean clothes you must take your dirty clothes, place them in the laundry basket at the foot of your bed and wait a maximum of two hours. Then you will have clean clothes that smell of nothing but fresh, cleanliness. This is all you need to do, and yet so many of you seem unable to do it. Clean clothing. That's all I ask.

(Honestly it's like living in a bloody barn…)

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10 GOLDEN RULES FOR INTERACTION WITH OTHERS

1. There's this thing called 'queuing'. It's a fairly simple concept. You organise yourselves into a line, with the people at the front of the line doing -whatever- first and then the people behind taking turns to do it also. That said, no one minds when you jump the queue. It honestly doesn't bother anyone. This is especially true after they've been waiting in line for four hours and you just walk in and meander to the front without a second glance at anyone. Honestly, no one notices.

2. Feel free to chew with your mouth full, spraying everyone in the near vicinity with the contents of your mouth. You may also slurp drinks and chew audibly. This is in no way nauseating.

3. You may arbitrarily use any depraved perversion of the English language that your whim dictates, and then act superior because other people can't understand you. Kindly forget the fact that most people in this country speak English. They do not speak Aberdonian, they do not speak Scouse, they do not speak Cockney and they sure as hell don't speak Welsh. This makes them all inferior. The fact that they can communicate with most of the developed world, rather than just the Welsh, is irrelevant. The fact that Welsh itself is a language which is, lets face it, about as much use as a chocolate fireguard is also not worth mentioning.

4. Laughing at your own jokes genuinely convinces people that they're funny. Even if you're the only one laughing.

5. Do not exert yourself so far as to say something like "Excuse me" when you're shoving past someone in a hallway. If you are not purposefully colliding with people then you should also refrain from such pointless sentences as "I'm sorry, are you all right?" This holds particularly true when there is a chance you have fractured a bone or two of theirs.

6. When asking a perfect stranger to hand you something, do not say "Pardon me. Could you possibly hand me that please?" Instead, waspishly snap "Hand me that! Now!" Like you're Queen Victoria with PMS or something.

7. A simple warning: Certain people (strange, confused, traumatised people) do not approve of being hugged by complete strangers. These people do not understand that you hugging them could be part of your religion, the result of a psychological disorder or simply a cultural quirk which you have come to see as normal. Not only do they not understand, they also don't care. They request that you do not hug them unless part of their immediate family or their boyfriend/girlfriend of more than three months, or you are attempting to fend off hypothermia. These people rarely have much more friendly feelings about Air Kisses, and they reserve the right to kill you if you hug them.

8. Sixty centimetres is generally considered to be the accepted minimal distance between human beings while engaging in normal conversation. It's generally expected that you stay MORE than sixty centimetres away from any associates while talking to them however. If you are within the aforementioned distance of a person's face while talking to them, they will be forced to assume that you are either hostile or horny. Either way, it will probably result in you getting hit.

9. Staring at people is socially acceptable. Honest. No one minds.

10. When approaching someone's personal space (bedroom, dorm room, bed, preferred bathroom, nuclear bomb shelter, whatever) it is customary to knock, wait for the person's assent and then enter. This is not done because the person in question is performing illegal or immoral acts behind closed doors. Rather it is done because most people like the security of knowing that they COULD perform illegal and immoral acts behind closed doors. You should respect that.


Just so you know: I'm Scottish and so me insulting anyone's cuisine is fairly laughable. Additionally, I'm female and so my references to male bathrooms are pure speculation. Mainly because the nice men at Train Station looked at me funny when I tried to interview them on their Restroom Experience…