This was written about five minutes after having escaped a commuter train during rush hour in Edinburgh. It was also written in Starbucks (which I usually avoid, but come on I needed coffee) where, upon entering, I had to practically chew my own arm off and learn freaking Italian just to figure out how to order a Large Latte made with actual milk. As such, I cannot be held accountable for it's sour tone. Nor the severely wounded "Barista" now writhing around in agony inside Starbucks.
I mean, seriously, what the heck does "Venti" mean anyway? It sounds like a Nazi salute. "Sieg Heil! VENTI! Deutschland über alles in der Welt!" Honestly, who comes up with this stuff? Tsk.
10 GOLDEN RULES FOR THE HOGWARTS EXPRESS
1. The fact that just about anyone can (and frequently does) stroll into your compartment with ease, should not discourage you from having deeply personal conversations on the train. And if these conversations involve illegal activity, deep dark secrets or your bodily functions then it should in no way prevent you from speaking loud enough for people in other compartments to hear you.
2. When getting on and off the train, you should feel perfectly within your rights to shove, kick, swear at and jam your elbows into anyone else who is trying to get on. This even includes the nice fourteen-year-old girl in the wheelchair and the blind gentleman who was attempting to get on. Any suggestion that the train won't be leaving for another fifteen minutes anyway and so therefore waiting is acceptable, is entirely unfounded. Such suggestions are only put forth by those who wish to bring about your downfall.
3. If you have just been reunited with your sweetheart after an achingly interminable separation of two months (where your constant, never-ending, nauseating letters to one another can't begin to fill the void you feel), then you are not within your rights to subject the rest of us to your vile and lewd reunion of tongues. No flashes of drool, no slurping sounds, no roving of hands, no pet names, no nothing. I have seen and heard quite enough, thank you. And besides, there are children on the train; think of their psychiatric bills next time you feel the pangs of young love. Save it for the broom closet like everyone else.
4. When travelling to Hogwarts you will be carrying a large trunk with you. This trunk will hold everything you need to tide you over for a whole year, and so it is understandably large. When you get on the train it should therefore be placed in the most out of the way location you can find inside your compartment. Please Note: Inside your compartment. Not outside in the hallway, not placed with one half inside the compartment and the other half hanging out: Inside. Chances are I will have to go and find someone in another compartment to give them something, say something to them or assure myself that they have not been horribly murdered over the summer (particularly true if you are friends with anyone in Gryffindor these days); When doing so I do not want to have to clamber over a veritable assault course of your belongings, just because you are too lazy and inconsiderate to put the damned things in the allotted areas.
5. If you have actually managed to pull yourself together long enough to get the bloody trunk inside your compartment, you are not entitled to leave it in the middle of the floor. Nor should you give it a seat (usually two) of it's very own for the entire journey, particularly on a train where seating is at a definite premium. Also, and let me be completely clear here, while your trunk is supposed to go into the overhead compartments it is not supposed to be balanced precariously on the edge of them. Neither you, nor anyone else, should be able to play a game of "I Wonder Which Corner Will Send It Flying" with your trunk. People are sitting underneath these things, and it's not as amusing as you'd expect when they fall down and crack someone's skull open. (Okay, it WAS slightly amusing when it happened to Cedric Diggory. But that's not the point.)
6. At least half of the students travelling to Hogwarts will be taking Owls. As in, the Nocturnal Bird of Prey, not the exam. These Owls are not to be released on the train. They are not to be left to their own devices in the middle of the train. They are not to have their cages cleaned out halfway through the train journey. They are not to be fed large meals just before getting on the train and they are not to be given laxatives in the two weeks leading up to getting on the train. They are not to be conversed with on the train, they are not to be poked at on the train, they are not to be appraised like antiques on the train.
7. Frankly, you'd be better off just letting it out of it's cage the previous day and telling it to meet you at Hogwarts. But that makes far too much sense for you all now, doesn't it?
8. If female and being reunited with your friends after the holidays, do not -I repeat- DO NOT squeal. You know, that high-pitched abomination that bubbles forth from hyperactive teenage girls lips as they run up to each other, hugging and air-kissing as they make movements with their hands that suggest they've been highly over-medicated and will explode at any moment. The noise which rivals nails on a blackboard for sheer spine-shivering irritation. The noise which makes dogs howl, babies cry and glass shatter. The noise which has driven more than one sane man to drive a pickaxe into the skull of everyone he comes across because he believes there can be no good in a world while that noise continues to exist. For the love of God girls, STOP IT!
9. If male and not greeting a rap star, don't do that high-five, fist-bumping, ghetto-greeting thing. It makes you look like a prat.
10. When the woman with the trolley comes round, you are not permitted to buy all the chocolate frogs. If you do, the other occupants of the train are within their legal rights to kill you where you stand… and then take your frogs, divide them equally among themselves and live Happily Ever After.
