Author's Note: I come back from Edinburgh. The next day, my computer decides to crash. (I'm not annoyed, I'm not annoyed, I'm not annoyed, I'm not… Aww screw it: Fetch me the head of Bill Gates on a platter!)
Oh, I've started a companion piece to this which will detail the reactions of Hogwarts students and teachers to these lists, as per an inspired request I received from someone a lot smarter than me (Goes by the name "Pfft"). Don't expect it to be up instantaneously though.
And last but not least: To those of you who asked, yes I did happen to interview one or two… or three or four, complete strangers on their bathroom experience. I find that if you smile a lot and crack jokes then they're less likely to have you arrested…
30 GOLDEN RULES FOR CRIMINALS
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5 FIVE GOLDEN RULES FOR AZKABAN ESCAPEES
1. Be intelligent and resourceful enough to feed yourself, hide yourself, ally yourself with impossibly intelligent cats and lure anyone and everyone into the arena of your choice for a confrontation. Don't be intelligent enough to get a hold of some clean robes and give yourself a haircut, thereby making it less likely for you to be recognised. Just to reiterate: Communication with a genius cat, that just so happens to have a close personal relationship with your quarry, is acceptable. Nicking a pair of jeans off someone's washing line is just ridiculous.
2. When you're wandering around on your lonesome, you may make yourself unrecognisable. When you turn up in a heavily populated castle with hardly any exits and about thirteen hundred witnesses, you should ensure you look exactly like your mug shot.
3. SPEAKING OF YOUR MUG SHOT: If you get taken to Azkaban you should do something amusing when they take your picture. On the off chance that you will escape and have your poster printed everywhere, you want to look interesting. Constantly screaming is an especially good plan and it will in no way grate on a person's nerves after a whole year of seeing the damned picture everywhere.
4. Before skipping merrily out of Azkaban, be sure to talk in your sleep a lot while Ministry officials are present, thereby giving your entire game-plan away. (That right there should've told them you were innocent, really. After all, there's no way you could be that good a criminal being so sensationally moronic.)
5. Even though you were quite clearly fed in Azkaban and (let's face it) weren't doing a whole lot to work off the calories, you should still come out of there looking like an insomniac famine victim.
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5 GOLDEN RULES FOR ILLEGAL ANIMAGI
1. If you wear glasses (or monocles I suppose) they will be reflected in your markings when you become whatever animal it is you become, so make them noteworthy enough to be spotted eight light years away. Curiously enough, neither your hair colour, eye colour nor clothing need necessarily transfer to your animal form so if you're transforming illegally and don't want to be immediately recognisable, it's recommended that you invest in some contact lenses.
2. If learning to transform with a group of your friends and one of them turns into a rat, you should in no way take this as an indication of character. Be shocked and stunned when he turns out to be a treacherous little recreant.
3. If your identity as an illegal Animagus is not known in the general Wizarding world, you should have your friends refer to you by a nickname which directly relates to your Animagus form and has no other logical reasoning behind it. No one will become suspicious.
4. If you utilise your (illegal) talent in your day-to-day occupation, to the point where there is no logical way for you to be capable of doing your job unless you are an Animagus, you shouldn't hesitate to move around with flagrant audacity while simultaneously making as many enemies as possible. After all, there is no possible way this course of action could come back to haunt you, is there?
5. If fleeing the followers of a certain Dark Lord and your Animagus form is cute and cuddly, you should feel free to become a pet in a Wizarding family. Hopping a ship to Fiji, assuming a different name and having a neighbour take out a Daily Prophet subscription wouldn't be easier at all.
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10 GOLDEN RULES FOR MEMBERS OF SECRET DEFENCE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS CLUBS
1. Base your method of communication on that used by your sworn enemy. See nothing ironic about this.
2. Include second years in your little club. Despite the fact that they should not, technically, have been allowed to attend the original meeting seeing as how they weren't old enough to go to Hogsmeade. Similarly, ignore the fact that the chances of them actually being able to throw out some of the spells you're using as so slim they're barely worth mentioning.
3. See nothing immoral about horribly jinxing a contract without the signer's consent, but become outraged at the slightest moral indiscretion of each and every one of your peers.
4. Be outraged when a member of your group, who didn't want to be there in the first place and has a Ministry Puppet as a mother, turns on you. This is really a shocking development, after all.
5. Even though you have (allegedly) been training in Defence Against the Dark Arts all year, even throwing out spells that some of the most advanced wizards of the age have trouble with, you should be completely unable to deflect a standard tripping jinx.
6. Despite heading an illegal DADA club, which could get you expelled should you be found out, you should in no way attempt to seem inconspicuous in your day-to-day interactions with those who'd be more than willing to lock you up and throw away the key. Indeed, your every exchange should be impertinent, bordering on downright contemptuous. If that doesn't throw them off the scent, nothing will.
7. Other than the leader's immediate friends and any siblings of those friends, all members of aforementioned club should be idiots.
8. Don't name your club something innocuous or innocent like… "Baby-Eating Nazis Unanimous". Nope. Instead go for the title that will force your greatest ally to go on the run if it's ever found out by the wrong authorities. This will make you seem big and clever.
9. You may make even the most incompetent of your members confident and competent enough to fight off Dementors and Dark Lords. You may not make them confident enough to stop them squealing in terror whenever a certain Potions Master/Defence Against the Dark Arts Professor enters the room.
10. Slytherins are all evil, and so there will be none of them in your little club. Spineless Ravenclaws are fine though.
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10 GOLDEN RULES FOR DEATH EATERS
1. There are only two levels of intelligence accepted in Death Eater circles: Diabolical Genius and Privet Hedge.
2. Oral Hygiene can be more or less forgotten when you're a Death Eater. Other than the whole 'tattooed arm' thing, yellow teeth and halitosis are how members distinguish each other in large crowds.
3. Despite the fact that the majority of Death Eaters will fall into the 'Privet Hedge' category outlined above, all Death Eaters must be proficient in the basic aspects of the Dark Arts. This includes, but is not limited to; Murder, Magical Torture (Cruciatus Curse, Chinese-Water-Torture Curse, and on rare occasions, diabolical use of Tickling Charms) Non-Magical Torture (Anything your warped brain can come up with really), Scathing Remarks, Sniggering On Cue, Mind-control, Lying, Deceit, Puppy-Kicking and Square-Dancing.
4. Always remember that once you join up to become a death Eater there is no way out. Unless of course the nutcase in charge decides to ice you in a fit of rage… Then you're out for sure.
5. If questioned by the Minister of Magic himself about your allegiance to the Dark Lord, you may employ such Machiavellian trickery as "Heh heh. Of course I'm not. Here, have a large sack full of gold for Saint Mungo's. And how's your wife?" Believe it or not, this will inevitably work.
6. No matter how attractive the victim or bystander in question may be, it is not recommended that you give your name, address or Floo-Network Identification to victims or bystanders while on a mission for the Dark Lord. Evil Advice Columnists have stated that romance is unlikely to prosper after being initiated during kidnapping, rape, torture, assassination or massacring anyway.
7. If you have somehow picked up the filthy muggle habit of 'Cigarette Smoking', be warned that Death Eater Masks are not fireproof. As amusing as the results are for those fortunate enough to witness Death Eaters discover this, the Dark Lords minions are at a serious premium at the moment and so it is recommended that you learn from others mistakes. (That said, if you insist upon sucking on those little cancer sticks in a restaurant you deserve whatever's coming to you.)
8. Fact Number One About The Dark Mark: It will hurt. Frequently. Anyone caught whining about this will have their vocal chords charmed out. Fact Number Two About The Dark Mark: Laser treatment will not remove it. Concealer will not cover it. Just wear long sleeved clothing. (Azkaban handcuffs will cover it but by that point, one would assume that hiding your allegiances would be rather superfluous.)
9. Be completely pureblooded. Do not mention the fact that the Dark Lord himself is a halfblood. Also neglect to mention the fact that it is statistically impossible for all Death Eater members to actually be pureblooded as there are only about three completely pureblood families still in Britain today and your members far outnumber that limited amount. Say nothing.
10. And the most important Rule for Death Eaters: Look Good In Black.
